I've said this before and I'll say it again. Please don't judge the quality of my writing in these posts. I could possibly make them beautiful and interesting with more time and re-writing but I don't have the time to do it. I'mwriting to keep a sort of online journal and document the progress of the show.
I'm in SLC at the library again today. There are 85% less homeless people in here this week because the weather is warm. I got together with Derek again last night and started to explain to him the show and how it was going. I came to that always frightening realization that I had written the first draft of the first half of the show, but the story still isn't right. We talked it through last night and it just doesn't seem cohesive for several reasons.
What does Bandito want? What/who is trying to stop him from getting it? How does he overcome those obstacles? Does he end up getting his wish? A better wish? How does he get it?
This writing a complete story is very difficult stuff but it's the most important part of the process. I often refer to a random site with quotes from Stephen Schwartz that are pretty insightful. He basically says, spend the time to get the story and the structure right before you start to write songs or scenes. It's definitely not an exact science. You have to basically go by the spirit.
Think about it. There are literally an infinity number of things that could happen in the show and I am trying to write the most interesting version of the most interesting and entertaining story I can come up with. There is no incorrect way to do it. There is only better or worse. I don't even think there's a "best" or a "worst" way.
Anyhoo, below is the first half of the show that I wrote last week. It has some good stuff but the story is not right so I don't know how much of it will actually be included in the end product.
--
Outline:
BANDITO monologue interrupted by MAGNUS into
SONG: I am destined to become a rapper. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
MAGNUS explains that BANDITO needs a gimmick
SONG: AMOS YouTube video into LINDSEY intro song
BANDITO invites AMOS to his house to buy LINDSEY. AMOS refuses.
BANDITO goes to kidnap LINDSEY and LINDSEY escapes
DARCY enters and says BANDITO is doomed
MAGNUS says let’s run. BANDITO refuses to leave without monkey.
DARCY and BANDITO have dinner
SONG: DARCY no more rules, freedom song - take me with you
BANDITO offers DARCY a way out. She refuses.
PIETRA has LINDSEY. BANDITO gets possession and saves LINDSEY life.
BANDITO takes LINDSEY to his apt. MAGNUS finds out. They fall asleep.
MAGNUS and AMOS plan to poison BANDITO
MAGNUS and AMOS try to poison BANDITO and MAGNUS poisons himself and dies.
LINDSEY enters unexpectedly and saves BANDITO from AMOS in the same manner that he saved her from PIETRA.
DARCY shoots BANDITO in the back
GARRETT enters
DARCY frames GARRETT for MAGNUS murder
PIETRA and GIRL end up together
DARCY and BANDITO were in cahoots
MAN comes to offer BANDITO a deal without LINDSEY
BANDITO refuses it
DARCY goes off to rob MAN. Congratulations. You’ve just become the single biggest investor in Mr. Bandito’s latest album release. Please step into my office and we can discuss the terms. 80-20.
SONG: Do the monkey
Hey guys. What is up? Worrrrd to your mothers. It’s been a long time, am I right? What’s it been like … how long has it been?
Long time. Loooong time no see. What is your mom’s name again? How is Suzy doing? Good? And your kids. Do you have kids, I forget. Oh ya, how are those little rascals? Nice. I miss those guys. For those of you who don’t know … what was your name again? … Julie and I, we go way back. Waaaay back. Like remember that one time when that one thing happened and then we were like and we … and stuff? Ya that was awesome. Good times. Gooohood times.
Hi guys. How is everybody doing tonight? Good? Awesome. I’m doing okay. I’ll feel better once we get this over with. If I’m being honest I’m kind of feeling a lot of pressure right now. You would too. Think about it. 300 people sitting in the dark looking at me like, entertain us. (surfer) Dude, say something funny. (kid) Mom why hasn’t he said something funny yet? (dad) Oh no, is this how the entire show is going to be? (teenage girl) OMGosh I knew I should have stayed at the cabin playing uno or watching Pirates of the Carribean since it’s the only movie in the cabin that someone accidentally forgot to take home a couple of years ago. Also I think I really want some popcorn. At least I can still tweet my friends. This show is the literal worst. Hashtag Juanito Bandito Hashtag pickadilly playhouse Hashtag thanksbutnothanks. Seriously, honey when is he going to say something funny? Pressure, see? I’m feeling a lot of it right now.
--
BANDITO
Oh hey. Sorry but now is not a really great time. Ya I’m kinda working on something right now. Do you think you could come back a little bit later possibly? Maybe tomorrow? Okay fine you can stay but you have to stay quiet okay? No talking and for sure no laughing. What did I just say? Seriously.
Oh heeey … yyyyou. How are you? Awesome. Long time no see am I right? What’s it been like … how long has it been … since you saw me? Long time. Oh it’s been too long. A little bit too long for me to remember anything about you. What’s your mothers name again? So how is Janet doing? Oh she’s so great. Good lady. Goooood lady. And your kids? You have kids? How are they doing, those little rascals? Little … what is some of their names again? Johnny and Billy. I miss those guys. Sorry you guys but me and … what’s your name? Me and Julie go waaay back. Waaaay back, am I right, Julie? Like Julie remember that one time when that one thing happened and then we were like and we … and stuff? Remember? Ya that was awesome. Good times. Gooohood times.
MAGNUS
Knocky knocky, anybody home?
BANDITO
Magnus! What are you doing here?
MAGNUS
Holding up the camera
I thought we were going to …
BANDITO
Oh ya, that’s right.
MAGNUS
Were you just speaking with someone?
BANDITO
No.
MAGNUS
Are you sure because me thinks I heard you speaking with someone?
BANDITO
Nope.
MAGNUS
Were you talking to yourself perhaps?
BANDITO
No. People who talk to themselves are … weird.
MAGNUS
Setting up
Not so actually. Science is just beginning to reveal to us the benefits of self-talk. It seems that positive affirmations can stimulate the subconscious mind and invoke the powers of the universe to help us fulfill our own individual life missions.
BANDITO
A pause, he shakes it off and then
Sorry were you just talking? Cause I remember you starting to talk and then I started to list all of the things I would rather do than listen you talk. I was like root canal, laundry, trigonometry and then I realized that you had finally stopped.
MAGNUS writes in his journal
BANDITO
What are you writing?
MAGNUS
Nothing.
BANDITO
Magnus.
MAGNUS
Nothing. Forget about it.
BANDITO
Grabbing guitar
Are we going to do this or what?
MAGNUS
I’m ready when you are.
MAGNUS has set up the camera. Maybe it’s a gopro with a big stick.
Aaaand action.
BANDITO
This one’s called The Cobbler Who Was Meant to Make Cobbler.
Song begins for about ½ of a measure and PEITRA knocks and enters. He’s got a big leather butcher’s apron and a bowtie. He’s got two horns that poke through his wig that no one seems to notice. He is very friendly and smiley.
PEITRA
Hello! Is anybody home?
MAGNUS
Aaand cut.
PEITRA
Tacos! Anybody want to buy tacos? Chicken tacos today.
MAGNUS
Pietra, can you not see that we are in the middle of something?
Looks around
PEITRA
Room?
MAGNUS
What?
PEITRA
You are in middle of room, yes?
BANDITO
I can’t work under these conditions.
MAGNUS
Pietra, we are in the middle of filming.
PEITRA
Filming? What filming?
MAGNUS
We’re filming a video. It’s for YouTube.
PEITRA
You put video on YouTube?
MAGNUS
Yes, that is the plan, yes.
PEITRA
Say no more, say no more. I return later.
MAGNUS
Good, yes. Thank you for understanding.
PEITRA
Good luck with video.
MAGNUS
Thank you. Nice guy.
BANDITO
Yes but the accent is a little much.
MAGNUS
What do you mean?
BANDITO
He’s been in this country for like 6 months. Lose the accent bro. Seriously. Time to learn to speak American, am I right?
MAGNUS
Ummm…
BANDITO
Ok let’s get this done, huh?
MAGNUS
Okay. Aaaand action.
BANDITO
This song is called “The Cobbler who was meant to make cobbler.”
During the song PEITRA joins for some awesomeness with a handmade sign that says “Pietra’s Tacos – order online.” Or some well-known slogan or logo or something funny. PEITRA gets down and bogeys!
MAGNUS
Aaaand that is a wrap.
BANDITO
Awesome. Now quick go upload that to the YouTubes.
MAGNUS
It’s just YouTube.
BANDITO
Huh?
MAGNUS
You Tube. It’s not plural.
BANDITO
Your mom’s not plural.
MAGNUS
That makes no sense.
BANDITO
Your mom makes no sense.
MAGNUS
I’m not going to win this one am I?
BANDITO
Why don’t you go ask your mom.
MAGNUS writes a note in his notebook as BANDITO raises his fist triumphantly. MAGNUS continues to work on the computer.
I can see it now. The Cobbler who was meant to make Cobbler by Juanito Bandito, 100 billion views. The most watched music video since Taylor Swift decided to taking ballet lessons.
MAGNUS
I’m still not sure I understand why we’re doing this. You’re already the most famous semi-fictional Spanish outlaw in history.
BANDITO
That I am donkey, that I am, but Magnus there comes a point in a man’s life where he must listen to the voice inside of his heart. The one that says, today is the day, now is the time for you to do what you were sent here to do.
MAGNUS
But you’re really good at the outlawing stuff.
BANDITO
Just because you are good at something doesn’t mean that it is your calling in life.
MAGNUS
I don’t understand.
BANDITO
Pulling gun quickly
Magnus, ask me what I did last week.
MAGNUS
Nervously
What did you do last week?
Puts gun away quickly as if this is something that happens often between them. Shows MAGNUS the box.
BANDITO
I stole the crown jewels of Buku from a stagecoach that was transporting the Princesa.
MAGNUS
Ooo a stagecoach robbery and a princess! How exciting!
BANDITO
Yes … except not.
MAGNUS
What happened? If you don’t mind me asking, how did it “go down?”
BANDITO
I rode up to the guards, pulled out my gun and told them that I was going to rob the coach.
MAGNUS
Yes, classic!
BANDITO
One of them asked me who I thought I was and so I told them … I am Juanito Bandito.
MAGNUS
And?
BANDITO
They started to crying and then ran away.
MAGNUS
Really?
BANDITO
Half of a dozen of full grown men threw their guns at my feet and ran in the opposite direction like a bunch of little sissy girls.
MAGNUS
That’s awesome.
BANDITO
No it was not awesome. It was easy. It was too easy.
MAGNUS
What about the princess?
BANDITO
I stole her country’s most priceless treasure and do you know what she did?
MAGNUS
Scream?
BANDITO
No. Worse. She tried to giving me her phone number.
MAGNUS
Nooo!
BANDITO
Yeees!
MAGNUS
Did you take it?
BANDITO
Of course I did. She was super hot.
Checks his phone
Speaking of a devil.
Reads her text then takes a duckface selfie
Smiley face, panda bear, kissy face, raise the roof hands.
Sends it and turns back to MAGNUS who is confused
She doesn’t speak English so we communicate with selfies and emoticons.
Puts phone away
Magnus, I have gone as far as a man can go with this bad guy routine. It is time to pursue my true passion.
MAGNUS
You mean rap music?
BANDITO
This is not just rap music. It is sharing with the world my good ideas and personal awesomeness through rhythmic speaking on top of really sick beats.
MAGNUS
Well at least you know what you want.
BANDITO
I do and the YouTubes are gonna get me there.
MAGNUS
You Tube.
BANDITO
What?
MAGNUS
Nothing. Oh look, somebody left a comment on one of your videos.
BANDITO
Yes! Who?
MAGNUS
His … or her name is creepythecreeper8000.
BANDITO
Creepythecreeper8000? Sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. We had better read and think carefully about the constructive criticism he is likely to offer us.
MAGNUS
Hey Bandito, Imma keep it real yo. You gots the talents but you don’t gots the “it” factor. Do the world a favor home slice and go back to robbin’ da banks. Hashtag not hatin just sayin’. Dot dot dot. Also click this link to find cheap flights and singles in your area.
MAGNUS
Okay this guy is obviously out of touch, but you know what it makes me wonder?
BANDITO
What?
MAGNUS
How cheap are the flights? Only one way to find out.
MAGNUS goes to click it but is interrupted
BANDITO
Magnus!
MAGNUS
Social security number and home address? You got it.
BANDITO
I never thought I would say these words in this order but I think maybe that creepythecreeper is right. Where is my “it” factor?
MAGNUS
Every artist needs a shtick.
BANDITO
A stick?
MAGNUS
Shtick, a gimmick, an angle.
BANDITO
How is a stick going to help me become a rapper?
MAGNUS
Not stick. Shtick. The thing that sets you apart.
BANDITO
I’m a wanted outlaw. Is that not a good place to start?
MAGNUS
Listen to yourself. You’re a former criminal turned musician.
BANDITO
Oh you’re right. That is word for word the exact story of every rap artist like pretty much ever.
MAGNUS
True dat. West siiiide.
BANDITO
What if we do a quick mindshower?
MAGNUS
A what?
BANDITO
A mindshower.
MAGNUS
Brainstorm?
BANDITO
Yes. That. Quickly say whatever comes to your mind. What can I do to making myself stand out?
MAGNUS
You coulllld wear a dress …
BANDITO
What?
MAGNUS
… made entirely of bacon.
BANDITO
Lady Gaga already did that.
MAGNUS
Right. Oh! You could just act like a tough guy and marry someone awesome.
BANDITO
Like Jay Z?
MAGNUS
Oh that’s right. You could always go the Hannah Montana route?
BANDITO
Hannah Montana?
MAGNUS
Just be really offensive and wear revealing clothing and make ugly faces and stick out your tongue a lot.
BANDITO
Don’t you mean Miley Cyrus?
MAGNUS
Same person.
BANDITO
No! Not to me she’s not.
MAGNUS
You could hire a backup dancer?
BANDITO
Hmmm.
MAGNUS
Someone to help you project your ill flow unto your peeps.
BANDITO
Maybe, but it would have to be someone distinct.
MAGNUS
Suddenly intrigued
What do you mean distinct?
BANDITO
Like a dancer with some very unique characteristics. Someone who is veryyyy …
MAGNUS
Unconventional?
BANDITO
Uncon-what?
MAGNUS
Someone who has a hidden desire to express his inner beauty through outward and artistic movements.
BANDITO
Magnus, are you suggesting that I make you my backing up dancer?
MAGNUS
Maybe.
BANDITO
Magnus you’re way too young.
MAGNUS
What do you mean?
BANDITO
You’re like 17 years old. I can’t have someone as my backing up dancer who can’t even open his own checking account.
MAGNUS
I’m not 17.
BANDITO
Sorry, 16.
MAGNUS
I’m 26.
BANDITO
Haha. Good try.
MAGNUS
It’s true.
BANDITO
Look at how tall you are. 26? I don’t think so.
MAGNUS
You think I’m 16 because I’m short?
BANDITO
It is a scientific fact that all people not taller than about right here are either a. children or b. missing parts of their lower limbs and since it seems that your limbs are fully functional, science says that you’re no older than 14 years of age.
MAGNUS
Under his breath
That’s not a true statement.
BANDITO
It’s a fact. A scientific fact.
MAGNUS
I’m not sure you understand the meaning of scientific fact.
BANDITO
Drawing his gun
And I’m not sure you understand how much of my time you are wasting by not focusing on how to solve my problems right now! What kind of neighbor are you? Focus!
MAGNUS starts writing furiously in his notebook
What are you writing?
MAGNUS
Nothing.
BANDITO
How come whenever your face turns red you write in your little notebook?
MAGNUS
No reason.
BANDITO
Can I see it?
MAGNUS
No. It’s mine.
Does the dog barking routine
BANDITO
Gimme it.
MAGNUS
No-
Suddenly there’s a loud knock at the door. BANDITO opens it. In comes LINDSEY with a boombox over her shoulder. MAGNUS is scared to death of her.
BANDITO
What in the name of the man with the yellow hat is happening right now?
She walks right in to the center of the room, sets the boombox down and pushes play. We hear music and AMOS’s voice being played through the boombox.
AMOS VOICEOVER
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, please pardon this brief interruption. My name is Amos Moody and the beautiful animal you see before you is my mate Lindsey. We’ve come to your city from the far and distant land of Australia … where the wallabies roam and the word mate just means friend. We’d like to invite you to join us tonight for a one-night only, live entertainment spectacle unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. You see, not only does Lindsey lack imposable thumbs, but she also lacks the ability to resist the urge to get down and boogie. Check it out!
There’s one measure of hip hop beat and LINDSEY does a choreographed step or two. She picks up the boombox and exits as we hear the last line.
Awesome right?! If you’re anxious to see the most amazing show on earth that doesn’t have to do with green witches or Mormon missionaries, just drop what you’re doing and follow that monkey!
LINDSEY exits with the boombox. MAGNUS and BANDITO stare at each other.
BANDITO
The universe has brought me my “it” factor.
MAGNUS
What?
BANDITO
That gorilla is my shtick!
MAGNUS
Your stick?
BANDITO
Shtick!
MAGNUS
Oh ya, right. Well what are we waiting for!
They run out the door after LINDSEY. Music plays and the scene changes to the makeshift circus set up in the middle of town. Drumroll.
VOICEOVER
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Amos Moody Entertainment Incorporated presents, Amos and Lindsey!
Lindsey, sit. Good girl. Lindsey, shake. Good girl. Lindsey, jump. Good girl.
SCENE:
The song end and the scene changes back to BANDITO’s mancave. BANDITO and MAGNUS are there. MAGNUS is dressed in a funny business suit.
MAGNUS
Are you sure this isn’t a trite much?
BANDITO
No. We have to show this man that we are meaning business.
MAGNUS
It doesn’t even fit. It’s too big.
BANDITO
Is it my fault that your mother decided to marry a Harry Potter house elf?
MAGNUS
My father was not an elf.
BANDITO
Are you sure?
MAGNUS
No.
BANDITO
Do you have the paperwork?
MAGNUS
Here.
BANDITO
Good. Now just stand back there and do not say anything unless I tell you.
A knock. BANDITO answers. It’s AMOS and LINDSEY.
Amos Moody! Thank you for agreeing to come on such short notice. Or I guess as they say in your country, “Thank you for agreeing to come on such short notice.” Do they do the kissing the cheeks thing in Australia?
AMOS
No, not really.
BANDITO
Good. I’m super glad about that. Amos, Amos Amos … did you bring any of your famous vending machine cookies?
AMOS
Uh what?
BANDITO
Please come in and have a seat … and try to forget about the cookie thing, it was funnier in my head.
BANDITO sees LINDSEY who is following AMOS into the room.
Oh my good night look at – look at this gorilla. She’s beautiful. You are beautiful. Can she understand me?
AMOS
No mate, she’s a monkey so …
BANDITO
So … ?
AMOS
So she don’t speak English.
BANDITO
Oh right. She’s Australian.
Louder and with actions
You are beautiful!
MAGNUS clears his throat trying to help the situation
This is my … associate, Magnus Ankleburt.
MAGNUS starts to move forward
MAGNUS
A pleasure to –
BANDITO
Magnus please shut it, mmmkay? Thank you. Forget about him, let’s talk about us shall we? Please sit.
MAGNUS writes in notebook. AMOS speaks to LINDSEY. During this scene she starts next to AMOS but moves back at some point to torment MAGNUS who is scared to death of her.
AMOS
Sit. Stay.
BANDITO
So tell me Mr. Moody, how’s … how is your monkey business?
AMOS
Pardon?
BANDITO
The business with the monkeys, how is it doing?
AMOS
Well. We’re doing alright I’d say.
BANDITO
Really?
AMOS
Ya.
BANDITO
Reeeeealy? Cause you wanna know what I see?
AMOS
What?
BANDITO
I see the eggs and the flour but no cupcakes.
AMOS
Huh?
BANDITO
I see peanut butter and jelly but no sandwich.
AMOS
Um-
BANDITO
I see sugar and pink stuff and … some strange kind of magic but no cotton candy. Do you understand what I’m saying?
AMOS
No actually.
BANDITO
Your act has the ingredients for success but you are walking away with pennies with the real money still on the table.
AMOS
Did you say money?
BANDITO
I always say money.
AMOS
That doesn’t make a lot of sense, but suddenly I want to hear what you have to say.
BANDITO
Let me take over your act.
AMOS
Take over?
BANDITO
We make a few small adjustments and then we split the profits right down the middle. 80-20.
AMOS
80-20?
Based on our own individual awesomeness.
Indicating BANDITO and then AMOS
80. 20.
AMOS
I’m no mathematician but that doesn’t seem quite right.
BANDITO
Okay fine, we go based on the size of the mustache. 80-20.
AMOS
Nah-
BANDITO
The stretchiness of our pants?
AMOS
I don’t think-
BANDITO
You’re right. Let’s just keep it simple and go by height. 80-20.
AMOS
Do you really think you’re four times taller than me?
BANDITO
And I thought you were not a mathematician. Listen, the numbers aren’t what’s important. What’s important is that Lindsey reach her full potential.
AMOS
But I can’t just hand her over to a stranger. See Lindsey, this act, it’s everything I’ve ever worked for.
BANDITO
Yes. And maybe you should have worked a little harder.
AMOS
I think I’m gonna go.
BANDITO
Small changes, big rewards.
AMOS
What do you mean changes?
BANDITO
Well first off we need to take some of the focus off of the monkey. Let’s not focus on Lindsey. Let’s shine a light on the real talent.
AMOS
Yeah. That’s exactly what I’ve always thought. I’m glad you said that.
BANDITO
I’m not going to play second fiddle to a monkey.
AMOS
What do you mean, you?
BANDITO
Oh, that’s the other little thing we will need to change.
AMOS
What?
BANDITO
I don’t know how to say this.
AMOS
Just say it.
BANDITO
It’s you.
AMOS
Me?
BANDITO
Oh. I’m so glad you agree.
AMOS
But I-
BANDITO
Lindsey needs to perform with someone who has real star power. Someone with glutes that just won’t stop. A man with a real mustache who can take her straight to the top. Amos, do you know who I am talking about?
AMOS
You?
BANDITO
Okay. I do it.
AMOS
Wait, what?!
BANDITO
Magnus, bring me the contract. 20 for you, 80 for me.
MAGNUS
Plus the rights to all branding and licensing sign here please.
AMOS
No.
BANDITO
Excuse me?
AMOS
That’s a bad deal mate. I’m not signing your contract.
BANDITO
Actually I think you are.
AMOS
No, I’m not.
BANDITO
Amos, I don’t think you understand. My name is Juanito Bandito.
AMOS
I know who you are.
BANDITO
Normally I do not giving people “options.” This is a take it or lose it proposition.
AMOS
What are you saying?
BANDITO
Take it or lose it.
AMOS
Are you threatening me?
BANDITO
Does this answer your question?
Does a quick fire with someone shooting the gun offstage.
AMOS
No, actually it doesn’t.
BANDITO
How about this?
Does it again.
AMOS
Still not understanding.
BANDITO
Maybe this will help.
One more time
AMOS
Something about the monkey and the shooting of the gun…?
BANDITO
I’m showing you how fast I am with the gun.
AMOS
Oh …
BANDITO
And that makes you intimidated because you know that if I want to I can come and use my fast guns to choot choo.
AMOS
I see.
BANDITO
So?
AMOS
I think I’m gonna take my chances.
BANDITO
That is a dumb move my friend.
AMOS
Lindsey come. Good day.
AMOS and LINDSEY leave. MAGNUS calms down a bit after having been tormented by LINDSEY.
MAGNUS
Well that could have gone better.
BANDITO
Really? I thought it went really well.
MAGNUS
Really.
BANDITO
No.
SCENE:
Scene change music. Lights up at nighttime on AMOS and COCO talking. LINDSEY is nowhere to be seen.
AMOS
And then he says to me, ‘this is a take it or lose it proposition,’ and he shoots his gun fast as lightning. I had half a mind to punch his teeth in.
COCO
Well it’s probabably a good thing you didn’t. Man like that you never know what he’s capable a doin’.
AMOS
He don’t scare me.
COCO
Well he does me.
AMOS
Lindsey?!!
Out comes LINDSEY with bag of cookies unopened. AMOS talks to her and at first we think he is being nice.
There’s my little girl. Yes, there you are. Bring it on over now, ya like a good girl. Thank you.
Suddenly very hostile in an attempt to scare her
Now get lost!
LINDSEY jumps. AMOS laughs rudely.
Hahahaha! Stupid mutt. Did you see her jump? Hahahaha!
COCO is obviously feeling bad for LINDSEY but doesn’t want AMOS to see it. She laughs weakly.
COCO
Hahaha.
Quietly to LINDSEY. COCO treats LINDSEY like a person.
I’m so sorry.
AMOS starts eating the cookies as he talks. He pretends to be nice to LINDSEY while saying all of these mean things.
AMOS
You think you’re so special don’t you? Oh look at me, I’m a monkey and I can dance. Wooohoo!
COCO
Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on her.
AMOS
It’s all about Lindsey, isn’t it? Nevermind the person who trained her. Taught her the steps. Put the act together. Nooo. It’s all about her.
COCO
Well she is a dancing monkey.
AMOS
Oh look Mommy, a dancing monkey. Yes dear but what about the man? Man? What man? There’s a man?!
He sees that LINDSEY is eyeing the cookies
You want some cookies? Do ya? Here you go.
Pulls it back and eats it
Just kidding! Ya little mutt! Hahahaha!
The phone rings. COCO answers it.
COCO
Amos Moody Entertainment Incorporated. Coco speaking. Oh hi Mr. Wilkenshire. Oh yeah, he’s right here. Good to talk to you too Mr. Wilkenshire.
Hands it to AMOS. Whispering.
It’s for you.
He’s about to speak when she interrupts with another whisper.
It’s Mister Wilkenshire.
AMOS
Right.
Goes to speak again, interrupted again
COCO
He wants to talk to you about the “you know who.”
AMOS
Got it. Thanks.
Answers phone
Hello? Really, well that’s great news. And the price? That will do. That’ll certainly do. Best estimation I can have the package there in no less than a week. We’ll leave first thing in the mornin’. Nice doin’ business with you.
Ends the call. BANDITO and MAGNUS are sneaking on behind.
I did it.
COCO
Sad. She knows what it means.
Oh no.
AMOS
Oh yes. Life is about to get a whole lot brighter for old Amos Moody.
COCO
It’s so sad.
AMOS
Maybe for her, but not for me. I’ve had enough of this. Cage!
LINDSEY runs into the cage. AMOS locks her in. She indicates that she wants some cookies.
Ohhh, the dingo is feeling hungry. We’ll you’d better enjoy that feeling while it lasts cause in about a week you won’t be feelin’ much of anything. You know why not? Cause you’ll be d-
MAGNUS knocks something over. BANDITO is hiding. AMOS turns to MAGNUS who is shielding his face.
Who goes there?!
AMOS
No one. Just passing through. That’s a beautiful … cage you have there. Okay well, bye.
He hurries off
COCO
This place give me the creeps.
AMOS
Just as well cause we’re leavin’ first thing.
COCO
Good.
LINDSEY barely starts to make noise
AMOS
Quieeeet! Ugh! You’re so loud. You mutt.
The lights dim and they both fall asleep. BANDITO comes from his hiding place. LINDSEY sees him and starts to make noise a little. AMOS stirs.
BANDITO
Shhhh!
She quiets down, trusting him. He goes over and steals the cookies from AMOS’s lap. Gives them to LINDSEY. She is super excited about it.
Shhhh.
He pries the lock off and opens the door. LINDSEY is afraid at first.
It’s okay. Come on. Coooome on.
LINDSEY takes his hand and leaves the cage. Once out she snuggles up to BANDITO for just a moment as if to say thanks and then she takes off.
Wait! Where are you going?!
This startles AMOS and COCO who wake up slowly just in time to see BANDITO running out of their camp.
SCENE:
Scene change to main street. Lights up the next morning and BANDITO and MAGNUS enter running.
BANDITO
Anything?
MAGNUS
No.
BANDITO
Ahhh!
MAGNUS
That gorilla is as elusive as a five-legged hippie on a houseboat.
BANDITO
What?
MAGNUS
That’s just a saying.
BANDITO
No. No it’s not.
MAGNUS
Yes it is.
BANDITO
Julie have you ever heard of that saying? Me neither. Did you just make that up?
MAGNUS
He did.
No.
AMOS enters followed by COCO
COCO
There he is.
AMOS
Hold it right there mate!
BANDITO
Can I help you?
AMOS
Where is she?!
BANDITO
Who?
COCO
Who do ya think?
AMOS
Where’s my gorilla?
BANDITO
You mean the one with the hair and the face? Bout this tall? Dancer type?
COCO
Ya, that’s her.
AMOS
Where is she?
BANDITO
Haven’t seen her.
AMOS
You little-
Lunges toward BANDITO but BANDITO’s gun stops him
BANDITO
What? Me little what?
AMOS
Give her back or-
BANDITO
Or what? What will you do, dancing monkey boy?
MAGNUS
I’ll call the authorities.
BANDITO
The authorities? And what will you tell them? Juanito Bandito stole something from me. You know what they will tell you? Get in line. The authorities don’t dare come within 50 miles of –
DARCY enters. She’s all business. No-nonsense. No emotion. Doing her job and doing it well. Very smart.
DARCY
Juanito Bandito?
BANDITO
Yes.
DARCY
Showing her badge
My name is Darcy Brown. I’m a special situations negotiator sent by the United States government.
AMOS
Yes! This is great. This man stole my monkey.
DARCY looks at BANDITO for an explanation. She’s confused.
He’s a monkey-napper! Came right into my camp last night and took my gorilla he did.
Again she looks to BANDITO for explanation
BANDITO
Miss?
DARCY
Brown.
BANDITO
Miss Brown, this is my good friend, Dingbat.
DARCY
Dingbat?
AMOS
Dingbat?
BANDITO
Yes, Dingbat. He got dropped on his head when he was a nino so …
DARCY
Oh he’s …
BANDITO
Yes. It’s very sad.
AMOS
Wait, what are you say-
Makes the crazy sign
BANDITO
He’s crazy.
AMOS
No I am not crazy. This man stole my monkey. Get me back my monkey!
A pause
BANDITO
See what I mean?
She considers it and then decides to believe BANDITO’s version of the story. Turns to BANDITO.
DARCY
I see.
AMOS
What?! What do you see?
BANDITO
Quiet, Dingbat! The lady is trying to speak.
DARCY
Thank you. Mr. Bandito, I’m here to negotiate your arrest and the recovery of the crown jewels of Buku.
BANDITO
My arrest did you say?
DARCY
Do you or do you not have the Buku crown jewels in your possession?
BANDITO
Funny. I can’t really remember.
She laughs. She doesn’t take any crap.
DARCY
Mr. Bandito, can I be frank?
BANDITO
This far away from home you can be whoever you want … Frank.
This does make her break a little.
DARCY
You’re cute.
BANDITO
I’m not sure if cute is the right word. Awesome maybe. Handsome … attractive … genetically gifted-
DARCY
The president is irked.
BANDITO
I’m really sorry to hear that.
DARCY
The jewels will be recovered. And we’re going to make you pay for your crimes.
BANDITO
Ha. You and what army?
DARCY
The US Army.
BANDITO
Now you’re being the cute one.
DARCY
This is no joke. The president has dispatched an armed cavalry headed by a US Marshall. They’ll be here in a matter of days, maybe hours.
BANDITO
Oooh I’m so scared.
DARCY
You should be.
BANDITO
I’ll face them down myself. How many are there?
DARCY
Over three hundred.
BANDITO
I will not face them down myself. I will run. Magnus, pack my bags.
DARCY
It won’t do you any good. They’ve surrounded this town and are approaching from every direction. The Marshall has been instructed to bring you back dead or alive. Preferably dead.
MAGNUS
That is not good. Not good at all.
DARCY
To steal a line from my favorite African American boy band, you’ve come to the end of the road. Close quote. Your best bet is to hand over the jewels and negotiate a plea.
Thinks about it for a beat
BANDITO
Boyz to Men?
DARCY
Of course.
BANDITO
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do Miss … ?
DARCY
Brown. Darcy Brown.
BANDITO
Miss Darcy Brown. I’m going to pull out my gun like this and tell you to make like a bread truck and move your buns out of here. Entiende?
DARCY
Fine. But please consider my offer. If you return the jewels peacefully, you’ll still be apprehended, but this will be far less likely to end with you experiencing a short drop and a sudden stop.
AMOS
Sorry to bother again but Miss Brown?
DARCY
Yes Mr. Dingbat?
BANDITO and MAGNUS laugh
AMOS
Is there any chance you might also help get me my gorilla back? Her name is Lindsey and she dances for me – with me! I dance with a monkey.
COCO
It’s true, your honor. He cannot tell a lie.
She looks at BANDITO who indicates loco again
DARCY
Okay then.
She exits. AMOS looks at BANDITO spitefully, but BANDITO still has his gun drawn. AMOS and COCO leave, mad.
MAGNUS
Well that throws another wrench in the works doesn’t it? It’s a shame really. I thought Lindsay was going to be your big break.
BANDITO
She is.
MAGNUS
What? You heard the woman. One hundred armed men. They’ll be here any moment.
BANDITO
The gorilla is my destiny.
MAGNUS
But you have to leave. You have to run far far away and never come back and then my life will be so much better.
BANDITO
What?
MAGNUS
Faking sincerity
I’m … nervous for you.
BANDITO
Magnus that’s really sweet, but when a man discovers his destiny there is not a thing in the world that can stop him. Not 300 men. Not ten hundred men. I was born to be a rapper and that can not happen without Lindsey. Now get out there and keep looking for her! I’m going home to take a nap.
MAGNUS
A nap?
BANDITO
Yes, a nap. We have been up all night chasing a dancing monkey. I need to take a nap.
MAGNUS
What about me?
BANDITO
Magnus, you are like 5 foot nothing. You don’t need a nap.
MAGNUS
What?
BANDITO
It is a scientific fact that children don’t need to sleep as much as adultos.
MAGNUS
Okay two things about that. One: that’s false and two: I’m an adult.
BANDITO
Magnus, twelve years old is hardly an adult.
MAGNUS
I’m twenty-six.
BANDITO
That’s cute, you kids always wanting to grow up so fast. Now go! Find my shtick!
MAGNUS writes furiously as lights dim to black
SCENE:
Lights up on PEITRA’s taco truck in the evening. PEITRA is fixing a plate by the truck. There’s a table set out on the street with two chairs. DARCY is sitting in one, waiting for someone. Her glasses are off and her hair is down. She is “off the clock.” The stuffy lawyer is gone. She is quirky and fun and likeable. She checks her watch. PEITRA comes forward with the plate.
PEITRA
Beef tacos for the lady.
DARCY
Thank you.
He stands there staring, awkward.
PEITRA
Aren’t you not eating?
DARCY
Oh, yes.
She takes a bit to appease him. Smiles.
PEITRA
Good?
DARCY
Delicious.
Good.
I told you she’d like it.
She just said that so as not to be rude.
Shut it.
No, you shut it.
Anything else for you, then?
Oh, me. Yes well actually I’m expecting someone. Could you bring some more?
Beef?
Yes that’ll be fine.
We’re all out of beef.
Oh well what-
But I have a cow.
Grabs his butcher knife which is attached to his apron. Smiles.
I will return.
Oh. Okay.
He’s still there, knife up looking at her. After a beat he talks to himself.
She’s pretty.
Shhh. Don’t talk to me, she’ll think we’re insane.
But we are insane.
Shhh!
Fine.
He exits. BANDITO enters. She stands to greet him.
DARCY
Mr. Bandito.
BANDITO
Miss Brown.
DARCY
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
BANDITO
Ya well we all have to do things that we don’t want to do.
DARCY
I understand your frustration, and believe me when I say that I’m sorry.
BANDITO
Sorry? Sorry for what?
DARCY
For the fact that you’re probably going die … fairly soon.
BANDITO
We are all of us going to die soon. Soon tomorrow, soon 10 years, soon 50 years ...
DARCY
You’re right … which is exactly why I asked you to meet me here.
She gets something from her bag
This isn’t easy for me so I’m just going to ask.
BANDITO
Okay?
DARCY
Blurting
Will you sign these?
She spreads out several “wanted” posters and holds up a pen. BANDITO holds one up.
BANDITO
You want me to sign your posters?
DARCY
I know. Kinda weird right?
BANDITO
Not kinda.
DARCY
It’s just, see … I’m a really big fan …
Waits for reaction, gets none
… of you. I mean of what you’ve done. Your work. You’re a fffascinating individual.
BANDITO
Umm … so you are not sent here by the Presidente?
DARCY
Oh no I am, but I work for the government and it’s past 5pm so … done. I’m off the clock. Yay!
BANDITO
And you want me to …
DARCY
Sign my posters. You can write “To Darcy” if you want. Or maybe on a couple you could just say, “To Darce,” or “Darce-meister” or “Dear Darcinator” you know, whatever. We tight like that, right?
Holds up a fist for bumping, BANDITO doesn’t move. He’s weary of her.
You don’t trust me do you?
BANDITO
No. This does not making sense.
DARCY
Oh loosen up a little! Yes, by day we are arch-enemies fighting on opposite sides of the law, but can’t we just be friends? Just for tonight?
BANDITO
Why?
DARCY
Because why not? I want to hear about your life. Seriously. I’ve been a fan for a really long time. You’re awesome.
BANDITO
You hit that nail on the head.
DARCY
So listen, let’s just talk friend to friend and I promise that everything that is said here tonight will be completely off the record.
BANDITO
This is weird.
DARCY
I know, but you’re intrigued, am I right?
BANDITO
Fine.
DARCY
Yessss! This is so super awesome.
BANDITO
Hey, that’s what I always say.
DARCY
I know.
Hands him the pen.
So tell me everything.
BANDITO
Everything?
DARCY
Start at the beginning. I want to hear your entire life story.
BANDITO
That might take a while.
DARCY
I’ve got time.
BANDITO
Okay. -
Lights freeze
Okay so ya it was a little bit strange at first, but Miss Darcy Brown ended up after a while things started to get a little bit crazy.
Truth or dare?
Dare.
Okay.
He whispers something into DARCY’s ear. She laughs.
Too easy.
You’re not going to do it.
Watch me.
She goes into the audience, finds someone with popcorn, takes a handful and throws it into the air trying to catch some in her mouth. Says to the person.
Sorry. He made me do it.
Truth or dare?
Truth.
Okay, if you had one wish … what would it be?
That’s a good one. I guess, just one time in my life I wish I could walk into a room full of people, look around and not know for a fact that I am the smartest, cleverest, most attractive and best smelling person in the room.
She laughs then stops
Oh you’re not joking.
About what?
Oh my.
Okay your turn.
Truth.
What is one thing about yourself that you’ve never told anyone before?
Pass.
Oh, come on.
It’s embarrassing.
This conversation is “off the record,” remember?
Okay fine. I guess it’s something that started at the end of my first big case. It was against Keith the Killer Miller, do you remember?
Wasn’t that the guy that ____.
Ya.
Song begins. She explains that she puts away the criminals but secretly says “escape and take me with you”. “Let me enjoy the freedom of breaking a rule or two.” Maybe it starts with a prologue about how her parents taught her to obey the rules and then she got into a profession that enforces the rules and secretly she wants to know what it feels like to live a little bit outside of the rules. Not too far, but she wants to know what freedom feels like.
Darcy Brown … you’re not as good as you think you are.
And you are not as bad as you think you are.
Well, there’s some stuffs you don’t know.
Really?
Yes, but that’s not the point. The point is that I would like to make you a business proposition … off the record of course. There is an army coming to kill me is there not?
Yes there is.
So what if you-
Whispers in her ear. She’s shocked.
What?! Why?!
And then I would-
Whisper
Ohhh.
And after that we-
Whisper
What do you think?
It would get you out of having to die … which is kind of a bummer if you think about it … dying.
Yes. Aaand it would give you the chance to having some adventures in your life.
It would.
So?
Tempting.
Say yes.
I can’t.
Why not?
I’m sorry I just can’t. I have an obligation to my job.
She gets up to leave
Where are you going?
I didn’t realize how late it was. Thank you for some very interesting conversation and for signing my posters. I’m sure they will be very beneficial to me after you are killed if I ever get into financial trouble and need to sell them online. Sorry, I’m not sure why I just said that.
You say what you think. I like that about you.
Good night Mr. Bandito.
Good night Miss Brown.
There’s a beat after she leaves. BANDITO yells offstage in the other direction to PEITRA.
Pietra! Where are my tacos?! It’s been like two hours hombre!
Come back here cow! Cow! Stop running, cow! Pietra needs to turn you into delicious tacos!
LINDSEY runs on followed by PEITRA who is chasing her with a knife. She stops when PEITRA grabs her wrist.
Lindsey! Lindsey what are you doing here.
Pietra must kill the cow.
Pietra no. This is not a cow.
That’s what cow would like you to believe. Time to die cow.
Pietra stop.
Taco time!
Pietra wait. Look!
He points at PEITRA’s shirt, distracting him long enough for BANDITO to grab the knife from him.
Awwww. No tacos?
No Pietra, it’s okay. I don’t need tacos.
But the cow …
This is not a cow.
Not cow?
No … it’s … it’s a unicorn.
Unicorn?
Yes, a unicorn. Aaaand according to tribal legend, anyone who gets within 10 feet of a unicorn will face the wrath of … Zorg.
Zorg!?
Yes. Zorg, the mighty plastic enemy of all things happy … and Disney.
Ahhhhh! Bad unicorn. Bad!
It’s okay. I’ll take her away. You won’t see her ever again.
Bad unicorn.
Right. Speak of this to no one.
BANDITO and LINDSEY exit.