So this is what Bodwa did today. He's the best there is. Maybe ever. Maybe anywhere. I gave him a few ideas that I knew he would dig and look what he made! #skillz
Here is the show as it currently is. Exactly 10 days from our first rehearsal. I have the beginning of a few of the songs started. Lyrics for a few. It will take a miracle but I have a feeling we will be getting one.
SCRIPT 20150508 -(may 08 2015)
SCENE: PRESS CONFERENCE
Musical introduction and with a beat there’s a sudden spotlight on MAGNUS center. He’s standing stooped in front of a press conference setup with a microphone and a snowcone/gatorade and a branded backdrop. All of the reporters are in matching navy and baby blue outfits with large rimmed black glasses.
On behalf of Juanito Bandito, I’d like to thank you all for coming to witness today’s big announcement which I’m sure will some day be written about in the history books. My name is Magnus Ankleburt and I am Mr. Bandito’s publicist. Mr. Bandito will read a statement and then take a few of your questions. Ladies and Gentlemen, the one, the only, Juanito Bandito.
BANDITO enters in dark sunglasses with music playing in the background. Camera flashes are going off. He sits.
I am going to keep this simple. I have some bad news and I have some good news. The bad news is that after much thinking and considerationing I have decided to retire from being a bad guy … effective today.
The reporters start to shout questions and make noise. MAGNUS comes forward to shush them.
MAGNUS
Quiet please. Ladies and gentlemen, please hold your questions. Thank you.
BANDITO
The good news is that since I am stepping away from the day to day responsibilities of being a stone cold killah, I will now have time to focus on my true passion. My music. Rap music to be more specific. In conj- conj-
He looks over his shoulder and MAGNUS comes to read the word that he can’t pronounce.
MAGNUS
Conjunction.
BANDITO
Conjunction?
MAGNUS
Yes, conjunction.
BANDITO
That’s not a word.
MAGNUS
Actually it is.
BANDITO
No, it’s not.
Covers the mic
This is what I get for letting you write my speeches? You make up words for to making me sound stupid?
MAGNUS
I didn’t make up-
BANDITO
You’re fired. Pack your bags.
MAGNUS
Quietly under his breath
It’s a word.
BANDITO
What?
MAGNUS
Nothing.
MAGNUS takes out his notebook and jots something down. BANDITO continues.
BANDITO
In conj-
MAGNUS
Conjunction.
BANDITO
In conjunction with this announcement, I am also excited to tell you that one week from today will be my first live performance featuring songs from my super-awesome album. I will now take your questions.
REPORTER
Mr. Bandito!
BANDITO
Yes?
REPORTER
You’re the fastest gun in the world and the most successful semi-fictional Spanish outlaw in history.
BANDITO
Tell me something I don’t know.
REPORTER
Why the sudden drastic change of interest?
BANDITO
Let me try to es-plain. As you all probably have read about, a couple of weeks ago I robbed a stagecoach that was transporting the Princess of Bhutan.
REPORTER
A stagecoach robbery?
REPORTER
The royal princess?
REPORTER
How exciting!
BANDITO
Yes, except not.
REPORTER
Can you elaborate?
BANDITO
I would love to, but I’m not sure what that word means. Instead I will continue to give you more details about what happened. You see, I rode up to the guards, pulled out my gun and told the men that I was going to rob the coach.
REPORTER
Then what happened?
BANDITO
One of them asked me who I thought I was and so I told them, “I am Juanito Bandito.”
REPORTER
And?
BANDITO
They started to crying and ran away like a pack of little sissy girls.
REPORTER
What about the Princess?
BANDITO
I stole her money, her jewelries and her horses and do you know what she did?
REPORTER
Scream?
BANDITO
No. She tried to give me her phone number.
REPORTER
You’re kidding.
BANDITO
I wish I was.
REPORTER
Did you take it?
BANDITO
She was super hot so yes. Yes I did.
Checks his phone
Speaking of the devil.
Reads her text then takes a duckface selfie
Smiley face, panda bear, kissy face, raise the roof hands.
Sends it and explains
She doesn’t speak English so we speak with emoticons.
Puts phone away
What I am trying to say is that robbing the coach was easy. It was too easy. It has all become too easy and that, my friends, is why I am done using my guns for to getting the things that I want.
Calls on another reporter
Yes?
REPORTER
Can you tell us more about your upcoming concert?
BANDITO
Well, it’s next week and it’s gonna be awesome.
REPORTER
How awesome?
BANDITO
So awesome.
REPORTER
Can you elaborate?
BANDITO
I’m not sure, but I can tell you that you’re gonna see things on that stage that you have never seen before.
REPORTER
Like what?
REPORTER
Can you give us any hints?
BANDITO
No hints, but I can promise you that it will be literally the most super-awesome thing you have ever seen in your entire life. Like this will be your mind and I will be like-
Blows
Blown. … I am literally gonna blow your mind.
Some vocal reaction from the reporters
REPORTER
Mr. Bandito?
BANDITO
Yes.
REPORTER
Are you aware of the fact that you just misused the word “literally?”
BANDITO
Are you aware of the fact that you are dumb? Next question. Yes.
REPORTER
Are you-
Suddenly on runs PEITRA who is wearing nothing but a sign that has a website on it. Some razzle dazzle music from the PIANO.
PEITRA
Hey, hey, hey!
MAGNUS
Woah, Peitra what are you doing?
PEITRA
Turns to MAGNUS and BANDITO
Sorry, friends. Will just be a moment.
Turns to the cameras and speaks
Hey everybody, my name is Peitra Crowchet from Peitra’s taco truck inviting you to join me for Taco Tuesday.
BANDITO
Security!
PEITRA
Come on down today … etc
BANDITO
Security! Magnus, that’s you. Security! Please get this man out of my press conference.
MAGNUS drags him off as he says his last line
PEITRA
Mention the codeword cucumber and receive free pickle with your purchase!
BANDITO
Sorry about that. Are there any other questions? Yes.
REPORTER
Why do you want to become a rapper of all things? Why not something normal and at least partially useful … like a dentist?
BANDITO
A rapper is not something you become. A rapper is something you just are. I didn’t choose the music. The music chose me.
REPORTER
Would you care to elaborate?
BANDITO
Pretty sure not, but I will give you further details. It’s like this.
LEMME LAY IT DOWN LIKE IT IS
LEMME LAY IT OUT LOUD LIKE A DAD TO HIS KIDS
YOU SEE,
IT’S A STORY ‘BOUT A GUY WALKIN’ BY
WOKE UP, SAW THE FUTURE WRITTEN IN THE SKY
IT’S LIKE THIS
EVER SINCE I WAS A SMALL ONE
ALWAYS KNEW THAT THE BEAT WAS MY CALL SON
ALWAYS KNEW THAT ONE DAY
I’D BE IN THE LIGHT
BU-BUMP-BUMPIN’ WITH M’ PEOPLE
DAY AND NIGHT
COULDN’T SLEEP, CAUSE I WAS DREAMIN’ IT NIGHTLY
THE VERY THOUGHT GOT ME FEELIN’ SO RIGHTLY
A VISION, COLLIOSION, A LIGHT IN THE DARK
MY LIFE WAS A DRY BRANCH WAITIN’ FOR THE SPARK
AND NOW YES, MY TIME IS COME
TIME FOR JACK WIGGETTY WHACK MACK LYRICAL FUN
AND DON’T STRESS, CAUSE IMMA SHOW YOU WHERE IT’S AT
SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP
SONG: opening rap song – I was meant to rap
YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO WHEN YOU GOTTA DO IT
BE WHAT YOU GOTTA BE WHEN YOU GOTTA BE IT
SEE WHAT YOU GOTTA SEE WHEN YOU GOTTA SEE IT
SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY
BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP
Some men come and some men go
Some men fly and some are so so
Some men stick to things they don’t know
But I was meant to rap
Rap
Rap like a toga
Rap like a knock on your door I’m comin’ ovah
End of song
MAGNUS
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming. That’s all we have time for today. We look forward to seeing you at the concert next week.
The reporters wander off and DARCY approaches BANDITO
DARCY
Mr. Bandito, can I have a moment?
BANDITO
I’m sorry but I am a very busy man Miss …
DARCY
Handing him her card
Brown. Darcy Brown.
BANDITO
Darcy Brown. The Darcy Brown?
DARCY
The Times would like to do a full-page feature on your career transition. I’m sure it will help garner interest for the concert. Is there another time we can get together? Over dinner, perhaps?
BANDITO
Dinner?
DARCY
If it’s convenient.
BANDITO
Where?
DARCY
Wherever you want.
BANDITO
Mmm. That is my favorite restaurant.
DARCY
So it’s a date then?
BANDITO
Yes. I’ll have my people get ahold of your people.
DARCY
Fair enough.
Turns to MAGNUS
BANDITO
People! Talk to this woman. I’m going to my studio to lay down what my good friend Taylor Swift likes to call some sick sick beats.
MAGNUS approaches her as light blacks out and scene change music plays.
SCENE - MANCAVE
Lights up on BANDITO’s mancave. The awesomest mancave ever. There are signed posters of Kobe, Taylor Swift and Dr. Dre. There’s a hammock hanging in the back corner with a big screen tv and a fridge and a mini-basketball hoop. A big manly chair with an end table and a lamp.
BANDITO
Magnus, my friend. Today is a very good day.
MAGNUS
Indeed it is.
BANDITO
I cannot tell you how good it feels to finally be walking down the path of my destiny.
MAGNUS
Sitting at the table
The press conference was a good start to be sure. What do you say we debrief?
BANDITO
Pauses, looking at MAGNUS
I’m hoping that that word does not mean what I am thinking that it means.
MAGNUS
It doesn’t. How do you think things went this morning?
BANDITO
Fine. I was awesome … big surprise.
Looking stuff up on his phone
MAGNUS
The internet seems to agree. According to our social media statistics, your big announcement created some major ripples. No question there will be quite a crowd at your debut.
He’s looking at his gun, nostalgic a bit.
BANDITO
Good.
MAGNUS
So you were serious about the guns then?
BANDITO
What do you mean?
MAGNUS
You’re hanging them up?
BANDITO
Magnus, I am so sick of hearing people talk about my guns as if that is all there is to know about me. Yes, I have very fast guns, fine, but there are other things about me that are awesome, right?
MAGNUS doesn’t answer
Say yes.
MAGNUS
Yes.
BANDITO
Mark my words: after I blow some minds with my sick raps, the world will know me not only as a man who is fast with his guns, but a man who is even faster with his rhymes.
MAGNUS laughs/smiles/raises an eyebrow
What? You don’t think I have fast rhymes?
MAGNUS
I didn’t say that.
BANDITO
Give me a word.
MAGNUS
What?
BANDITO
Give me any word and I will rhyme it. Any word.
MAGNUS
I didn’t-
BANDITO
Draws his gun
An-y worrrd.
MAGNUS
I thought you said you weren’t-
BANDITO
Shoots into the ground
Una palabra, por favor!!!
A beat
MAGNUS
Spoon.
BANDITO
June. … Give me another one.
MAGNUS
Fork.
BANDITO
Easy.
Points to MAGNUS
Dork. Another.
MAGNUS
Floor.
BANDITO
Door.
MAGNUS
Happy.
BANDITO
Slappy.
MAGNUS
Sad.
BANDITO
Dad. This is so easy. I am so talented at this.
MAGNUS gets clever
MAGNUS
Chimney.
BANDITO
BANDITO can’t find one.
Umm …
MAGNUS
Luggage.
BANDITO
I uh … smuggage …
MAGNUS
Penguin. Sandwich … Elbow.
Improv time. MAGNUS calls him out on his fake rhymes and BANDITO makes up their origins.
BANDITO
You know what? That’s enough of rhyming for today, but you get the point. I’m a rapper. You can take the G out of the hood but you can’t take the hood out of the G. Bayam!
MAGNUS
Does a little dance move
Ah yea, ah yea, ah yeah!
BANDITO
What was that?
MAGNUS
Just a little bit of swag home skillet.
BANDITO
Swag?
MAGNUS
What? I got swag.
BANDITO
Magnus, your level of swag is somewhere between oboe player and Hilary Clinton.
MAGNUS takes a deep breath and writes something in his notebook.
BANDITO
Can we talk about my concert now?
MAGNUS
Yes, please. What do you have in mind for your big reveal?
BANDITO
What do you mean?
MAGNUS
That thing you mentioned in the press conference. I believe it was something like, “the most super-awesome thing in the history of mankind,” or something of the like. What is it?
BANDITO
How am I supposed to know?
MAGNUS
You don’t know what you were talking about?
BANDITO
No. That’s your job. You’re the publicist.
MAGNUS
Ummm…
BANDITO
I say stuff and the publicist makes it happen.
MAGNUS
Traditionally that’s not exactly how it works. You see-
BANDITO
Magnus stop! I forgive you okay?
MAGNUS
You forgive me?
BANDITO
Yes. I’m sure you will come up with something.
MAGNUS
That’s not fair. You know how I shut down under stress.
BANDITO
Then I will help you. Let’s do a mindshower.
MAGNUS
A what?
BANDITO
A mindshower.
MAGNUS
Brainstorm?
BANDITO
Yes. That. What can I do that will blow the people’s minds?
MAGNUS
Umm.
BANDITO
It needs to be something unique.
MAGNUS
Yes.
BANDITO
Something to make me stand out from the crowd.
MAGNUS
Exactly.
In rhythm
BANDITO
Mindshower, go!
MAGNUS
Brainstorm.
BANDITO
Whatever.
MAGNUS
You coulllld wear a dress?
BANDITO
A dress?
MAGNUS
… maaade of bacon.
BANDITO
Lady Gaga already did that.
MAGNUS
Ooo! You could act like a tough guy and marry someone who is hot.
BANDITO
That’s Jay-Z’s entire business plan.
MAGNUS
You could always go the Hannah Montana route?
BANDITO
Hannah Montana?
MAGNUS
Be as offensive as possible and make ugly faces while you stick out your tongue and ride on construction equipment.
BANDITO
Don’t you mean Miley Cyrus?
MAGNUS
Same person.
BANDITO
Not in my book. Hannah Montana is to Miley Cyrus as Anakin Skywalker is to Darth Vader. Beware the dark side of the force.
He sits down in his chair to relax.
MAGNUS
Can’t believe he’s not more anxious
You do realize that the concert is in less than a week?
BANDITO
Magnus take a chillaxative. We’ll figure it out.
MAGNUS
You act like you think some big idea is going appear out of nowhere.
BANDITO
Maybe it will.
MAGNUS
Well I got news for you, bucko. Life isn’t like that. Solutions don’t just show up randomly on your doorstep with a flyer that says, “Hey, here’s your solution.”
Suddenly a knock on the door. MAGNUS and BANDITO look at each other. MAGNUS can’t believe it. BANDITO is more cool about it. He answers the door and there stands LINDSEY with flyers in her hand.
BANDITO
Can I help you?
She makes a monkey noise as she offers BANDITO a flyer. He takes it and reads.
“Live street show performance featuring Lindsey the dancing monkey.”
LINDSEY does a ‘tuh duh!’ pose. He looks at LINDSEY and asks
Today you say?
She grunts again enthusiastically as if answering.
I’ll have to check my schedule.
She makes a bummed out noise. He shuts the door. MAGNUS is in shock. BANDITO hasn’t realized it yet. BANDITO walks slowly back, puts the flier on the table and sits.
So what were we just talking about again?
MAGNUS
That was a monkey.
BANDITO
Thank you capitan obvious.
MAGNUS
That was a dancing monkey.
BANDITO
Yes. Yes it was.
MAGNUS
A dancing monkey just showed up on your doorstep.
BANDITO
You act like this is a thing that does not happen on a regular basis.
He gasps, realizing
This is not a thing that happens on a regular basis.
MAGNUS
I know.
BANDITO
Magnus, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
MAGNUS
We need to go see that monkey.
BANDITO
Yes. And also, we need to go see that monkey.
They run out the door as the blackout happens with music to intro the scene.
SCENE: TOWN – AMOS COCO AND LINDSEY ENTER
Lights up on town street. AMOS is corralling the people in front of a cage that’s all covered up.
SONG: AMOS and LINDSEY
After the number PEITRA approaches COCO with a dead animal
PEITRA
A possum for the pretty lady.
COCO
Ah! It’s a rat. Please take it away. Take it away.
PEITRA
In my country, giving pretty lady dead animal is sign of respect.
COCO
Ahhh. That’s very sweet.
He extends it to her. She’s grossed out still.
Do you have like a bag I can put it in or something?
He extends it again and she takes it and says as sincerely as possible:
Thank you. Thank you so much for this … dead rat.
PEITRA
Possum.
COCO
Beg your pardon?
PEITRA
Not rat. Possum. Delicious when cooked with ramen noodles.
COCO
I’ll have to try that.
PEITRA
Kneels and opens a ring box
Pretty Lady, marry me.
COCO
Come again?
PEITRA
Marry me.
COCO
I don’t even know your name.
PEITRA
Pietra.
COCO
Pietra?
PEITRA
In my country I am known as Pietra, the Bear of Blitzgrenheigl.
COCO
I can see why.
PEITRA
Marry me.
COCO
I don’t even know you.
PEITRA
What do you want to know?
COCO
What do you do for a living?
PEITRA
Many things.
COCO
Are you a businessman?
PEITRA
I am not a businessman but I am a business … man.
COCO
Are you rich?
PEITRA
Not currently.
COCO
Then I’m afraid I have to decline. I promised myself that I would marry a rich man.
PEITRA
But, Pretty Lady –
COCO
Is that a ring pop?
PEITRA
Covers it quickly. It is.
No.
COCO
Leaving
Come talk to me once you’ve got enough dough to put some bling on that ring.
PEITRA is left alone eating his ringpop. Blackout.
SCENE: mancave
Scene change music back to BANDITO’s mancave. BANDITO and MAGNUS are there. MAGNUS is dressed in a funny suit coat. BANDITO is maybe dressed up a little as well.
MAGNUS
Are you sure this isn’t a trite much?
BANDITO
No. We have to show this man that we are serious players in this monkey business.
MAGNUS
It doesn’t fit.
BANDITO
Is it my fault that your mother married a Harry Potter house elf?
MAGNUS
My father was not an elf.
BANDITO
Are you sure?
MAGNUS
Admitting defeat
No.
A knock.
BANDITO
Do not speak unless you are spoken to.
BANDITO answers. It’s AMOS and LINDSEY.
Amos Moody! Thank you so much for agreeing to come on such short notice. Or I guess as they say in your country, “Thank you for agreeing to come on such short notice.” Do they do the kissing the cheeks thing in Australia?
AMOS
No, not really.
BANDITO
Good. I’m super glad about that.
AMOS
Nice setup you have here.
BANDITO sees LINDSEY who is following AMOS into the room.
BANDITO
Oh my good night look at – look at this gorilla. She’s beautiful. You are beautiful. Can she understand me?
AMOS
She’s a monkey.
BANDITO
So … ?
AMOS
She don’t speak English.
BANDITO
Oh right. Australian.
Louder and with actions and a bad accent
You are beautiful! Let’s put another shrimp on the bar-
MAGNUS clears his throat trying to help the situation
This is my publicist, Magnus Ankleburt.
MAGNUS
A pleasure to meet you both. Your performance was exquisite and might I say that-
BANDITO
Shuuuut … your mouth! This guy. He just talks and talks and talks and doesn’t know when to stop. You know what I have to do sometimes when he starts talking? I distract myself by making a list of all of the things I would rather do than listen to him talking. I’m like “remove a wart, root canal, trigonometry,” and by the time I get to “watch movie starring Nicholas Cage” he’s usually finished. Please have a seat.
MAGNUS writes in notebook. AMOS speaks at first to LINDSEY. During this scene she starts next to AMOS but moves back at some point to torment MAGNUS who is scared to death of her.
AMOS
Lindsey, sit. Stay.
BANDITO
Mr. Amos if it’s okay with you I’d like to cut right to the cheese.
AMOS
You would?
BANDITO
I would. I want to buy your monkey.
AMOS doesn’t react
You don’t look surprised.
AMOS
That’s because I’m not.
BANDITO
The way I see it, you can sell me the monkey for more than you make in a year of performing on the streets and this will give you time to pursue your other interests and talents. Like … alligator wrestling or boomerang throwing or you could audition to be the next Crocodile Dundee. Those are just a few ideas.
AMOS
How much money are we talking about?
BANDITO
I know that it might be hard to say goodbye to a dear friend but you have to remember-
AMOS
I’m not worried about that.
BANDITO
You’re not?
AMOS
Mate, she’s a monkey. It’s not like she has feelings or anything.
They laugh although BANDITO is not so sure he agrees. This is not what he expected.
BANDITO
I’m glad you feel that way.
AMOS
How much?
BANDITO
Writing a number on a piece of paper
Here is what I am prepared to offer you.
Slides the paper across to AMOS after writing a number. AMOS reads it and laughs.
AMOS
I thought you said you were serious.
BANDITO
I am serious.
AMOS
Hands back the paper
Then show me.
BANDITO
Fine.
BANDITO writes another figure and gives it to him
AMOS
That’s not enough.
BANDITO thinks he’s getting played
BANDITO
What do you mean not enough?!
AMOS
I have another offer.
BANDITO
Really?
AMOS
A gentleman in Chicago. In fact I’m on my way to drop off the goods right now. Just stoppin’ in a couple towns to make a bit of pocket change before I cash her in.
BANDITO thinks he’s lying but makes one more offer
BANDITO
Fine. But this is my final offer.
Slides paper across. AMOS reads it, finishes his drink then stands and offers his hand.
AMOS
It was nice meeting you.
BANDITO
Wait! Name your price.
AMOS
Alright.
AMOS takes the paper from him and writes a number. Slides it across to him.
BANDITO
Are you kidding me? Tell me this is a joke or else I swear, I’m gonna walk away and buy my dancing monkey somewhere else.
AMOS
That’s the price, Mate.
BANDITO
Never in my life have I paid this much for a monkey.
AMOS
She’s a dancing monkey.
BANDITO
I don’t care if she dances. I don’t care if she washes my dishes.
AMOS
She will.
BANDITO
I don’t care if she spits gold nuggets and poops Cadbury cream eggs!
AMOS
That’s the price.
BANDITO
Look, Amos Moody … I don’t think you understand. My name is Juanito Bandito.
AMOS
I know who you are.
BANDITO
Walking over and putting on his holster
Then you will understand what I am saying when I say unto you that this is a take it or lose it proposition.
AMOS
Are you threatening me?
BANDITO
Does this answer your question?
Does a quick fire with someone shooting the gun offstage.
AMOS
No, actually it doesn’t.
BANDITO
How about this?
Does it again.
AMOS
Still not understanding.
BANDITO
Maybe this will help.
One more time
AMOS
I get that you’re trying to get some point across with all of this wasteful gunfire, but I’m still kinda like whaaaaa?
BANDITO
Quickly
I’m showing you how fast I am with my gun!
AMOS
Oh …
BANDITO
And that makes you intimidated because you know that if I want to I can use my fast guns to choot choo.
AMOS
You don’t scare me, mate.
BANDITO
Grabbing his arm
Are you sure about that?
AMOS
Be careful Bandito. I know people … who know people.
BANDITO
Big pause, dramatic
What?
AMOS
Lindsey come.
By now, LINDSEY has MAGNUS cornered up on a chair or something. It’s been a slow process of LINDSEY getting closer and MAGNUS trying to stay away from her all scene.
BANDITO
I thought you were a smart man, famous Amos.
AMOS
Well it looks like you were wrong.
Thinks about clarifying but decides not to
Good day.
AMOS and LINDSEY leave. MAGNUS calms down a bit after having been tormented by LINDSEY.
BANDITO
What do you think he meant when he said that he knows people who know people?
MAGNUS
Well that could have gone better.
BANDITO
Really? I thought it went really well.
MAGNUS
Really.
BANDITO
No.
SCENE: PEITRA and COCO
COCO is doing yoga center stage. PEITRA comes in with another dead animal. She has her eyes closed. He kneels and offers her the animal. She opens her eyes and shrieks.
PEITRA
Marry me, Pretty Lady.
COCO
You can’t sneak up on a girl like that.
PEITRA
I apologize. Marry me.
COCO
Listen pal, I already told you before. I can’t marry you. You’re poor.
PEITRA
I may not be rich … but I have good ideas.
COCO
Oh really?
PEITRA
Very good ideas. A beautiful head full of beautiful ideas.
COCO
Tell me one.
PEITRA
Last night for example, I am lying in bed and I have thought. I think: what if I started internet website where people from all over the world will gather and interact with virtual “friends.” There will be pictures and videos and random political postings from people that make you wonder why you agreed to be their friend in first place. It will be extremely addicting and distracting causing a worldwide decrease in human productivity. I will call it facepage … that is just one example of good ideas.
COCO
What was your name again?
PEITRA
Peitra, pretty lady.
COCO
Peitra, can I be blunt?
PEITRA
Yes please.
COCO
It sounds to me like you need to get your head out of the clouds. That idea is a stupid idea, but thank you for the rabbit.
PEITRA
Raccoon.
As she walks away. PEITRA is bummed.
COCO
An addicting social website that encourages time-wasting and decreases human productivity? What kind of idiot would you have to be to sign up for that?
Blackout
SCENE: DARCY and BANDITO
BANDITO and DARCY are sitting at a table eating at a makeshift restaurant. BANDITO just finished a story.
DARCY
No way.
BANDITO
Yes way.
DARCY
Please tell me you made that up.
BANDITO
I wish I did.
DARCY
That’s the most unbelievable and also kind of super gross story I’ve ever heard.
A pause, BANDITO chuckles
She was your sister?
BANDITO
I did not even know I had a sister!
Going through the pages of notes she just took
DARCY
Wow … this is … mistaken identities, magical potions, pirates, … pink bunnies … Your life is kind of amazing.
BANDITO
Amazing is my middle name.
DARCY
She laughs then thinks he’s serious.
Wait. Is it really?
BANDITO
He tricked her kind of
No. But it should be.
Laughs at the joke. Thumbing through her notes.
DARCY
I think I’ve got plenty here to get me started.
Looks at him. Pauses.
Maybe just one more question.
BANDITO
Fire away.
DARCY
You’re the most feared outlaw in history.
BANDITO
I rock. No duh. Sorry, what was the question?
DARCY
You’re the best in your business and now all of the sudden you want to give it all up to become … a rapper of all things?
BANDITO
It is time for a new adventure.
DARCY
There has to be more to the story than that.
BANDITO
Actually not really. I wake up one morning and I am like, “my life is kind of boring,” and so I say, “time for something new.”
DARCY
And what if it doesn’t work out?
BANDITO
Anyone who doesn’t think it’s gonna work out is seriously underestimating my awesomeness. And you can quote me on that.
DARCY
Can I tell you something? And I don’t even know why I’m saying this.
BANDITO
What?
DARCY
That feeling … that inner … whatever it is that makes you want to reach for something new and exciting … I know exactly what that feels like.
BANDITO
Really?
DARCY
Really.
BANDITO
But you’ve been all over the world. You’ve covered wars and elections, and sporting events. Good night you were on the sideline when the Yeshawks threw away the superbowl.
DARCY
You mean the Seahaws?
BANDITO
Si. That’s what I said. The YesHawks.
DARCY
Reporting on something remarkable is a lot different than doing something remarkable.
BANDITO
I never thought about it like that.
Music begins
DARCY
The problem is that by nature I’m not an adventurer. I’m an observer. And I’ve always been fascinated by people who can just throw caution to the wind and accomplish these amazing feats even though they usually didn’t have all of the facts to begin with.
BANDITO
You wait for all of the facts and most of the time your chance has already passed.
DARCY
I understand it in theory.
SONG: JUST GO FOR IT
LIKE THINK OF DAVID
DAVID?
THE ONE WITH THE GIANT
FROM THE BIBLE?
ONE DAY HE’S SITTIN’ IN A FIELD JUS’ WATCHIN’ SHEEP AND THEN
THE NEXT THING
HE’S FACED WITH A GIANT
ALL HE’S GOT’S A BAG OF ROCKS AND A SLINGSHOT
THE GIANT CALLS OUT FOR ALL TO HEAR
LET ONLY THE STRONGEST OF MEN COME NEAR
AND WHAT DOES DAVID DO?
HIS LIFE IS ON THE BRINK
THE ODDS ARE STACKED AGAINST HIM
YET HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK
HE JUST GOES FOR IT
HE GOES FOR IT
THROWS HIS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND JUST FIGHTS
DOESN’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT’S HE’S PROBLY GONNA DIE
HE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE HE JUST LETS IT FLY
HE JUST GOES FOR IT, MAN HE GOES FOR IT
HE PUT HIS HEAD DOWN AND HE ACTS AND HOOOOW
HE’S IRRAT-ION-AL,
ILL-LOG-IC-AL
COMPLETELY CERTIFIABLY INSANE AND YET WHEN THE DUST CLEARS
THERE HE STANDS
A HERO
DARCY
It’s as if he knew he was going to win in the first place. How did he know?
BANDITO
He didn’t. You answered your own question. Sometimes you have to forget about the odds and the facts and just make a choice. You have to just go for it.
DARCY
That’s a very romantic notion but it doesn’t always work out in practice.
BANDITO
BANDITO
What do you mean?
DARCY
Sometimes the facts are your friends.
BANDITO
Would you care the elab- Elabr-
DARCY
Elaborate?
BANDITO
Yes, that.
DARCY
Absolutely.
THINK OF ROMEO
THE ONE WITH THE GIRLFRIEND
HE FELL IN LOVE WITH JULIET
AND VOWED TO BE HER PRINCE
BUT THEN THE NEXT DAY
HE WENT TO THE CHAPEL
HE THOUGHT HIS LOVE WAS DEAD
BUT SHE WAS SLEEPING
-HE SAW HIS LOVE ASLEEP AND GOT
-TO THINKIN’ SHE WAS DEAD
HE CRIED AND MOANED IN LOVESTRUCK SORROW
HE STARTED TO THINKIN THERE WAS NO TOMORROW
AND WHAT DOES ROMIE DO
WHEN HIS WITTS ARE ON THE BRINK
HE’S GOT A VILE OF POISON
AND HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK
HE JUST GOES FOR IT
MAN HE GOES FOR IT
THROWS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND DONE DEAL
HE DOESN’T CARE THE CALCULATE
THE FACTS THAT MIGHT BE MISSIN’
THE COUPLE ENDS UP DYIN’
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE ENDED KISSIN’
HE GOES FOR IT, YA HE GOES FOR IT
HE ACTS AND HE ENDS UP DEAD
ETC
Come on Romeo, have a little patience, am I right? Get a doctor to examine her medically first.
… or at very least maybe check her pulse.
So you see? How do you know when to check the facts versus just taking a blind leap?
You have to follow your guts.
My guts?
Es muy sencillo. You listen carefully to what your guts is telling you and then you do it.
You mean your instincts.
Same diff. For example, my guts usually is telling me things like, steal that or shoot that guy or write some sick raps.
Hmm.
As long as I listen my guts, everything usually turns out for the best.
SO LETS IMAGINE
OKAY
A HERALDED WRITER
LIKE YOU?
SHE’S ITCHIN FOR ADVENTURE BUT SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE THE GUTS
SHE’S DETERMINED
BU
I WANNA JUST GO FOR IT, GO FOR IT
I WANNA DO SOMETHING IRRATIONAL AT LEAST
I WANT TO LIVE SOME RARE ADVENTURE
WANNA SEE WHAT IT’S ABOUT
I’M WALKING TO THE EDGE AND THEN I’M JUMPING … LOOK OUT!
I GO FOR IT, YA I JUST GO FOR IT
I’M EVERYTHING I WANNA BE AND HOW!
End of song
Okay Darcy Brown. I am going to do you a favor.
Is that right?
And let me just say this in advance … you’re welcome.
She laughs
I am taking you on an adventure.
Oh really?
Yes. I need some help with a little … project I am working on. It is for a very good cause.
Sounds intriguing.
It is.
Will it be dangerous?
Danger is my middle name.
She pulls a face
Juanito Amazing Danger Bandito. True story.
Will it be something illegal?
If I tell you that it is, will you say no?
Probably.
Then I will not tell you.
She laughs
What is it?
No more questions. Say yes.
But what if-
Making fun
No more but what if’s! But what if I get sick? But what if I get hurt? But what if I get obstructed by aliens? You can “but what if” until the cows come home. Listen to your guts.
Gets serious
Look at me Darcy Brown. What is your guts saying to you right now?
She thinks hard. The joke is subtle.
Really? … Tacos???
They both laugh at her funniness
Okay fine. I’m in.
Yes! That is the spirit. Meet me back here in one hour.
BANDITO heads out
But what if-
No more but what ifing! One hour and you will have your adventure.
She leaves and PEITRA and COCO enter oblivious to DARCY who leaves.
COCO
Tell me again how it will work?
PEITRA
For low monthly fee you will be able to stream unlimited movies and tv shows to any device anywhere in the world. I will call it Net-movies or Internet-flix. What do you think?
COCO
Who in their right mind would pay for a convenient online service like that when all you have to do is get you wallet, get in the car, drive into town, walk into Blockbuster, spend 15-30 minutes walking around the store physically searching for the movie you want which is hopefully available and not already rented out? After you make your selection, you simply wait in line to pay for rental and hopefully you don’t forget to bring it back within 48 hours or you will have to pay late fees. Sorry Pietra but the internet movies idea doesn’t have a chance. Trust me. Blockbuster Video is here to stay, my friend.
Blackout. Scene change music.
SCENE: AMOS’S CAMP
Lights up at nighttime on AMOS and COCO talking. LINDSEY is nowhere to be seen.
AMOS
And then he says to me, ‘this is a take it or lose it proposition.’ Who does he think he is? I had half a mind to punch his teeth in.
COCO
Well it’s probably a good thing you didn’t. Man like that you never know what he’s capable a doin’.
AMOS
He don’t scare me.
COCO
Well he does me.
AMOS
Lindsey?!!
Out comes LINDSEY with bag of cookies unopened. AMOS talks to her and at first we think he is being nice.
There’s my little girl. Yes, there you are. Bring it on over now, ya like a good girl. Thank you.
Suddenly very hostile in an attempt to scare her
Now get lost!
LINDSEY jumps. AMOS laughs rudely.
Hahahaha! Stupid mutt. Did you see her jump? Hahahaha!
COCO is obviously feeling bad for LINDSEY but doesn’t want AMOS to see it. She laughs weakly.
COCO
Hahaha.
Quietly to LINDSEY. COCO treats LINDSEY like another female in the trio.
I’m so sorry.
AMOS starts eating the cookies as he talks.
AMOS
Hey Lindsey, what do you call a monkey in a minefield? A Ba-Boom!!!!
Scares her again
COCO
You’re hurting her feelings.
AMOS
How many times have I told you? She don’t have feelings. She’s a monkey for crikey sake.
Turns back to LINDSEY
It’s always about you, isn’t it? Nevermind who trained you. Taught ya the steps. Put the act together!
He sees that LINDSEY is eyeing the cookies
You want some cookies? Do ya? Here you go.
Pulls it back and eats it
Get lost! Ya mutt. Hahahaha!
The phone rings. COCO answers it.
COCO
Amos Moody Entertainment Incorporated. Coco speaking. Oh hi Mr. Wilkenshire. Oh yeah, he’s right here. Good to talk to you too Mr. Wilkenshire.
Hands it to AMOS. Whispering.
It’s for you.
He’s about to speak when she interrupts with another whisper.
It’s Mister Wilkenshire.
AMOS
I gathered that.
Goes to speak again, interrupted again
COCO
He wants to talk to you about the oo oo ahh ahh.
AMOS
I know.
COCO
The monkey.
AMOS
Got it.
Answers phone
Hello? Really, well that’s great news. And the price? That will do. That’ll certainly do. I can have her delivered in no less than a week. We’ll leave first thing in the mornin’. Nice doin’ business with you, Mr. Wilkenshire.
Ends the call. BANDITO and MAGNUS are sneaking on behind.
It’s a done deal.
COCO
Sad. She knows what it means.
Oh no.
AMOS
Oh yes. Life is about to get a whole lot brighter for old Amos Moody.
COCO
It’s so sad.
AMOS
Maybe for her, but not for me. I’ve had enough of playin’ second fiddle to a dancing monkey. Cage!
LINDSEY runs into the cage. AMOS locks her in. She indicates that she wants some cookies.
Ohhh, the dingo is feelin’ hungry. We’ll you’d better enjoy that feeling while it lasts cause once we get to Chicago you won’t be feelin’ much of anything. You know why not? Cause you’ll be d-
MAGNUS knocks something over. BANDITO is hiding. AMOS turns to MAGNUS who is shielding his face.
Who goes there?!
MAGNUS
No one. Just passing through. That’s a beautiful … dog. What breed is it?
Monkey.
Mmm. Nice. Okay well, bye.
He hurries off and ducks down conspicuously.
COCO
This place give me the creeps.
AMOS
Just as well cause we’re leavin’ first thing.
COCO
Good.
LINDSEY barely starts to make noise
AMOS
Quieeeet! Ugh! You’re so loud! Why are you so loud? You mutt. Now go to sleep.
She whimpers as the lights dim and they both fall asleep. Lights come up on BANDITO, MAGNUS and DARCY who have been watching from afar. BANDITO hands her a spare gun.
BANDITO
Okay, I’m going in. Keep your eyes open.
DARCY
What is this for?
BANDITO
It is for just in case.
DARCY
What are you going to do?
BANDITO
I’m gonna kidnap that monkey. What did you think we were coming to do?
She holds up a roll of toilet paper that she brought in her bag. BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other
MAGNUS
Toilet paper? You thought we were coming to TP the street performers?
DARCY
You said it was something illegal.
BANDITO
Just stand here and shoot anything that moves that isn’t the monkey or me.
Starts again
MAGNUS
Or me.
DARCY
I can’t do this.
BANDITO
Oh come on. You see the way he is treating her. We’re doing this monkey a favor.
DARCY
I can’t. I’m sorry.
She leaves with the gun in hand, forgetting to give it back. BANDITO turns to MAGNUS.
BANDITO
Can you believe that girl?
MAGNUS
Psh. No.
BANDITO
What a wimp.
MAGNUS
Wimp city.
Holds up his hand for BANDITO to hi-five. He doesn’t. BANDITO goes to talk, but MAGNUS continues.
She’s pretty much the mayor of Wimpyville. If she got any wimpier we’d have to call the-
Sees BANDITO counting
What are you doing?
BANDITO
Sitting in traffic, listening to my alarm clock going off, getting a colonoscopy … Oh are you done now?
MAGNUS
That’s not funny.
MAGNUS takes out his journal
BANDITO
Cover me. I’m going in.
PIANO narrates a sneaky tune as BANDITO walks into AMOS’s camp from his hiding place. LINDSEY sees him and starts to make noise a little. AMOS stirs.
BANDITO
Shhhh!
PIANO stops for a moment. She quiets down, watching him. He goes over and steals the cookies from AMOS’s lap. AMOS mutters something in his sleep. PIANO continues as BANDITO walks over and gives the bag of cookies to LINDSEY. She is super excited about it.
Shhhh.
BANDITO pries the lock off and opens the door. LINDSEY is afraid at first.
It’s okay. Come here. Come on. Come ooon.
LINDSEY takes his hand and steps out of the cage. Once out, she looks around and then snuggles up to BANDITO for just a moment as if to say thanks and then she takes off.
Wait! Lindsey, stop. Where are you going?! Stop! Monkey, stop! Magnuuuuus!
BANDITO is running off and AMOS points a gun at him.
AMOS
Hold it right there!
BANDITO and MAGNUS turn slowly, kind of confused. Tension is slowly broken when BANDITO speaks.
BANDITO
I’m sorry, are we doing this?
AMOS
I thought we said we were.
BANDITO
Oh really? Cause I thought we weren’t.
Pause
I mean we can do it if you want -
AMOS
Ya, I’m like … whatever, you know?
BANDITO
Turns to audience
Awkward. Sorry guys, see early on in the run of this show we had a scene right here that was kind of … controversial.
MAGNUS
I wouldn’t call it controversial.
BANDITO
Not controversial but-
MAGNUS
It got mixed reviews is what I’d say.
BANDITO
Ya, it got mixed reviews.
AMOS
The producers brought in some focus groups and based on their feedback, we were told to cut the scene. They said it felt like we were making up the lines as we went along.
BANDITO
Which is crazy.
MAGNUS
Totally crazy.
BANDITO
I mean what kind of idiota, excuse my French, would write a scene in the middle of a show where the actors get to make up their lines as they go?
MAGNUS
It would be weird.
BANDITO
So weird.
AMOS
So are we going to do the scene?
MAGNUS
I don’t know if we should.
BANDITO
What do you guys think? Do you want to see the deleted scene?
Crowd cheers
MAGNUS
The people have spoken!
They hussle into place
BANDITO
You asked for it. Aaaand action.
These lines are the jist of what is to be said.
MAGNUS
Hold it right there!
BANDITO
Hey … Amos. Look, Magnus it’s our good buddy Amos.
MAGNUS
Oh hey, buddy. What’s up?
AMOS
You just stole my monkey, that’s what’s up.
BANDITO
No, actually we didn’t.
AMOS
Oh ya? Then what are you doing out here in the woods in the middle of the night?
BANDITO
That’s a very good question. Magnus … what are we doing out here in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night?
MAGNUS
Well, you see it’s a funny story …
Let the improv begin. MAGNUS and BANDITO tell short parts of the story each as AMOS eggs them on with questions. For example: We wanted to pick some blackberries and … everyone knows that the best blackberries are picked by the light of a full moon. But the thing you have to worry about with a full moon is … warewolves … and certain species of ducks. It ends with someone in the middle of a line saying, “You know what guys, maybe there was a reason that we cut this scene.” Hey Amos, look over there!” He looks and BANDITO and MAGNUS run away. Scene change music.
SCENE: STREET
There is scene change music and we go back to main street. BANDITO and MAGNUS end up running together middle of the stage, exhausted.
BANDITO
Anything?
MAGNUS
No.
BANDITO
Ahhh!
MAGNUS
That monkey is harder to find than a Mormon with a mocha latte. What are we going to do?
BANDITO
I’ll tell you what are we going to do. You are going to get out there and keep looking for Lindsey and I am going to lay down right here and take a nap.
MAGNUS
A nap?
BANDITO
Yes, a nap. We have been up all night chasing a dancing monkey. I need some sleep.
MAGNUS
What about me? I also would enjoy a nap.
BANDITO
Magnus, you are like 5 foot nothing. You don’t need a nap.
MAGNUS
What?
BANDITO
It is a scientific fact that children don’t need to sleep as much as adults. You can’t argue with science.
MAGNUS
Okay couple things about that. Number one: No. False. And two: I’m an adult.
BANDITO
Magnus, twelve years old is hardly an adult.
MAGNUS
I’m twenty-six.
BANDITO
To aud
Kids these days … always wanting to grow up so fast.
MAGNUS
But-
Pulls gun.
BANDITO
Go! Find my Lindsey!
MAGNUS is writing furiously in his notebook as he walks off. A little scene change beat plays. Couple measures. BANDITO lays down prepping for a nap. He’s scrolling on his phone.
Oh Instagram. I love you. I don’t tell you that enough.
To aud
You know what I was thinking about the other day? I was thinking, ”What did people look at when they didn’t have nothing to look at before they had Instagram to look at?” You know, like back in the dinosaur days with the cavemans and stuffs. What did the cavemans do when they were waiting in a doctors office? Or during commercials? Or when they had to see a man about a horse? It’s okay, everybody does it. Before they had Instagram on their phones, what did the cavemen look at when they were sitting in the passenger seat of a car? The road? The landscape? Did they have an actual conversation with the caveman who was driving the car? So primitive. Hashtag blessed, am I right?
Another couple measures of the beat as BANDITO falls asleep. Suddenly LINDSEY enters with a shriek. PEITRA is chasing her with a butcher knife.
PEITRA
Come back here! Evil monkey! Bad monkey!
LINDSEY hides behind BANDITO
BANDITO
Lindsey! Peitra, you found her!
PEITRA
Bad monkey! Bad, bad monkey!
BANDITO
Pietra, why are you yelling at my Lindsey?
PEITRA
Monkey steal taco. Monkey no pay. Monkey must die!
Grabs LINDSEY by the wrist
BANDITO
She was just hungry.
PEITRA
In my country, thief no pay, thief lose hand!
Puts knife up in preparation to cut off her hand.
BANDITO
Peitra! Look what’s that?
Points at his shirt. PEITRA looks down, BANDITO flicks his face distracting him enough to grab the knife from him.
Pietra, let her go.
PEITRA
The monkey is thief!
BANDITO
How much does she owe you?
PEITRA
Three ninety-five.
BANDITO digs for some money.
BANDITO
Here. I’ll pay you.
PEITRA
Eyeing the money
… plus tax.
Throws a twenty at him
BANDITO
That’s a twenty. Now let her go.
He lets her go and then counts the money. Turns to her.
BANDITO
Thank you for business.
Blackout. Music transition into mancave.
SCENE:
Lights come up on BANDITO and LINDSEY in his mancave. MAGNUS is there but he is way in the back corner holding a GoPro on a stick. He is still scared to death of LINDSEY. BANDITO has a remote in his hand and LINDSEY is sitting/crouching in his chair.
BANDITO
Alright Lindsey, hip hop training session number one. I just want to try this okay?
LINDSEY reacts
No pressure. We’re just hangin’ out, chooting the breeze, whatever … just do what is natural.
LINDSEY reacts again. BANDITO pushes a button on the remote and on comes a hip hop beat. LINDSEY is startled at first, unsure of where it’s coming from, but ends up liking it and starting to break down. BANDITO joins her and does a little improv rap.
You like it? Yes? Magnus are you getting this? After I win my first Grammy, this footage is gonna be worth millions.
SONG: IMPROV RAP
Suddenly there’s a loud knock on the door. BANDITO shuts off the music.
Quick. Hide the monkey!
MAGNUS throws a sheet/blanket over LINDSEY’s head. BANDITO opens the door. It’s DARCY
Oh, it’s just you.
DARCY
Can I come in?
Walks past him
BANDITO
No. No you cannot. It is late and I am going to bed.
DARCY
Is she here?
BANDITO
I don’t know who you are talking about.
DARCY
Where is she?
BANDITO steps between her and where LINDSEY is hiding. They both step in front of LINDSEY.
BANDITO
I don’t know what you are talking about. Magnus, do you know what this woman is talking about?
MAGNUS
Haven’t the foggiest.
A big huge loud monkey noise from LINDSEY. Her body doesn’t move as she is still covered with the blanket like a lamp. BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other
BANDITO
Bless you.
MAGNUS
Thank you.
They move closer together to close the gap
DARCY
Oh come on. Let me meet her. Pleeease?
BANDITO
Okay fine.
Indicates for MAGNUS to remove the blanket. He tries a couple times but can’t pull it off cause he’s so afraid of her. Finally gets it on the 3rd try.
Darcy Brown, this is Lindsey the dancing monkey.
DARCY puts out her hand and LINDSEY comes and takes it, examining her.
Lindsey, this is Darcy Brown the wimpy girl who bails on her friends when she gets a little bit scared.
LINDSEY is moving around, examining DARCY.
DARCY
I didn’t bail. I changed my mind.
BANDITO
You wimped out. You are a super sized wimp deluxe with a side order of wussy cakes.
PIANO accent hit
MAGNUS
Sees his chance. Hands her the gopro.
Since you’re here to help with this I think I’m going to retire. Fine evening to you both.
DARCY
I didn’t mean to chase you away.
MAGNUS
Not at all. It’s- I just-
BANDITO
Magnus is afraid of Lindsey.
MAGNUS
Psssh. That’s ridiculousness. She’s a harmless monkey.
BANDITO
Lindsey, go give Magnus a high-five.
MAGNUS
Why would I be afraid of-
LINDSEY starts to go over there and MAGNUS freaks out like a girl. LINDSEY isn’t even all that close to him.
Back! Back I say! Bad monkey! Down boy!
LINDSEY stops and MAGNUS makes it to the door then turns back all cool as if to try to reconcile the scene he just created.
We will check you guys later, then.
LINDSEY makes another friendly move toward him and he freaks out and runs away. DARCY shakes her head at the situation.
DARCY
I did it. You kidnapped the monkey.
BANDITO
The monkey has a name.
DARCY
I’m sorry.
BANDITO
Don’t apologize to me.
DARCY
Turns to LINDSEY
I’m sorry, Lindsey.
LINDSEY makes a cute face and noise
BANDITO
Without Lindsey I would be just like all of the rest of those rappers with anger issues and an extensive criminal history. But with Lindsey, the path to my destiny is not only clear but it’s like it’s easy to see it, like it’s free from visual obstructions … What’s the word for that?
DARCY
Clear?
BANDITO
Yes, clear, thank you.
PIANO
DARCY
She’s an amazing animal.
BANDITO
And smart. She’s so smart.
Turns quickly to LINDSEY who is chewing on something. PIANO out.
Lindsey don’t eat the furniture please. Thank you.
PIANO blink blink blink continues
It’s true what they say you know.
DARCY
What’s that?
BANDITO
Holding up fingers to indicate the things
Having a pet is way more harder than having a baby.
DARCY
I think there may be a few mothers out there who might have something to say about that.
BANDITO
Think about it, with a baby you have to feed it and you have to clean it. With a pet you have to feed it, clean it, and let it in and out of the house. With babies, you don’t have to do that because humans can open their own doors. Not pets. Pets are harder than babies. Do the math.
LINDSEY strums the guitar.
Lindsey, no. Please don’t touch.
She strums again and makes an excited noise. BANDITO gets up to save the guitar.
No that’s mine. Please don’t touch. No touchy. Here you want me to show you? Here. Listen.
He plays a chord. LINDSEY reacts happy.
DARCY
I think she likes it.
Plays another. She reacts again.
BANDITO
Okay look. It’s time for bed, okay? You go to sleep, I play. Lay down.
She puts her head down, he plays a chord. She jumps up excited and he stops.
Lay down. Shhh.
She lays down again, he plays. She jumps up, he stops.
No- Lay down. Sleep.
She gets it. Lays down
Now just shhhh. Close your eyes. Lindsey, this is a song my grandmother used to sing to me when I was a little Bandito. I remember it like it was yesterday. She would sit there in her chair rocking back and forth … stroking her mustache … and she would sing.
SONG: MONKEY LULLABY
It’s time to just dreeeeeam
Kick back and just dreeeeeeam
By the time you wake
Things won’t be as bad as they seem
Just dream.
Musical interlude changes the scene to AMOS camp. AMOS is there looking quite evil. Someone enters in a cloak with a hood. He takes it off. It’s MAGNUS.
AMOS
Were you followed?
MAGNUS
No, my lord.
AMOS
Does he have the monkey?
MAGNUS
Yes, my lord.
AMOS
Why are you calling me your lord?
MAGNUS
It just feels right, my lord.
AMOS
Please stop. It’s weird.
MAGNUS
Sincerest apologies, my l- … dude.
AMOS
Sitting MAGNUS down
Tell me Magnus, how close are you to the Bandito?
MAGNUS
Why do you ask?
AMOS
I have a business proposition I’d like to discuss with you.
Track plays loud and scene blacks out with them sitting around the campfire
INTERMISSION
SCENE: SELFIE-60
????
The cast gathers on the stage as the lights dim. They’re in a slightly somber mood but some are wearing and or carrying crazy props and hats etc. It’s as if they don’t know who should speak first. COCO steps forward.
As you know, we here at Pickleville are all about helping out when we see an unmet need.
Which is why right now we are going to ask you to join with us
Hi guys. Before we continue with the show we wanted to give you a chance to make history with us tonight right here, right now.
When we got together back in May we said, in addition to putting together an awesome show, let’s do something even more important that will really make a dent in the world……..?
COCO
Hi guys. Before we continue with tonight’s performance we’d like to pause briefly to make you aware of an issue that has just come to our attention.
PEITRA
It’s rare, in life, that you hear about a serious problem in the world and then immediately have the opportunity to do something about it.
AMOS
We should explain. See, we were all just backstage during intermission doing what we always do backstage during intermission ...
They hold up phones simultaneously
Instagram.
-and we noticed a disturbing trend.
DARCY
There are an alarmingly low number of selfies taken in the middle of live musicals with the actors from the show either in the photo or photobombing somewhere in the background.
BANDITO
It’s true. And so in an effort to do our part to end this shocking lack of selfies taken in the middle of live musicals with the actors from the show either in the photo or photobombing somewhere in the background, we’re gonna do what we like to call the Pickleville selfie-60.
MAGNUS
That’s right. Sixty seconds to take as many pictures as possible. It’s our way of saying to the internet, “Hey internet, have a few more pictures.” Are you ready for this?
COCO
I was born ready.
MAGNUS
Alright. Everybody get your cameras out cause it’s time to party. 60 seconds!
VOICEOVER
Three. Two. One. Selfie-Sixty.
Actors storm the crowd whooping and wailing and being crazy. They have props/hats etc for people to put on. Maybe some mustache gear to hand out. Play “Jump Jive and Wail” and all the actors come running out to take pics with the audience. Don’t mute their mics. Needs to feel like chaos and a party. Have the box office staff get in on it as well as anyone else who wants to put on a costume and run out to take pics. Maybe a voiceover that counts down the seconds. “60 seconds” and then the thing starts, then in the middle “30 seconds” “10 seconds” and then “time’s up” and the cast bows center stage as the music fades. Somebody has to be in charge of LINDSEY. Maybe LINDSEY stays dancing on the stage the whole time? At end of the track there is a voiceover:
We now return to our regularly scheduled program.
SCENE: AMOS’S CAMP
We return to MAGNUS and AMOS’s clandestine meeting in AMOS’s camp. Dark and evil feel. COCO is there. MAGNUS is eating cookies.
MAGNUS
You make some intriguing points, Mr. Moody.
AMOS
The Bandito trusts you.
MAGNUS
Yes he does.
AMOS
You’re the last one he’ll suspect.
MAGNUS
Indeed I am.
AMOS
And I’ll make sure you are well compensated for your assistance.
MAGNUS
Me likey the sound of that, and yet I pause to wonder, “Am I to be Brutus and Bandito fair Caesar? Can I betray his trust after all we’ve been through together?”
COCO
Are you kidding me? He treats you like garbage, like you’re nothin’, like you don’t even exist. Isn’t that right Amos?
AMOS
Speaking to MAGNUS
What? Sorry, did someone just say my name?
MAGNUS
You’ve got a deal.
AMOS
Ya?
MAGNUS
Ya. Let’s get you back your monkey.
AMOS
Great. So how do we do it?
COCO
Oo oo, I know. You go in there and distract him while the other two of us-
MAGNUS
Distract him?
Laughs
No no no, that won’t do. I think it would be wise for us to agree on a more … permanent solution.
COCO
What do you mean “permanent?”
MAGNUS
A solution which involves Mr. Bandito going to sleep for a very, very long time.
COCO gasps, hand over mouth. She’s dumb and AMOS is nearly just as clueless.
COCO
Are we talkin’ … Ambien?
MAGNUS
No. I’m talking ( ___ ).
Makes a motion to indicate a method of killing and AMOS guesses what he’s saying. Couple of fun improv lines and then MAGNUS gets frustrated.
Kill him. I mean we are going to kill him, okay?!
BOTH
Ohhhh.
COCO
Do we really have to kill him?
AMOS
Ya, can’t we just tie him up somewhere?
AMOS
No. We have to kill him.
COCO
Why don’t we dig a really deep hole and put him in the hole and-
MAGNUS
We will kill him until he is dead.
COCO
But what if we-
MAGNUS
Quickly
Bandito must die a painful death of anguish and horror!
AMOS
Okay. So I guess we’re gonna kill him.
MAGNUS
Good plan. Magnus likey that plan.
COCO
How?
AMOS
Yes how?
MAGNUS
Are you asking me how we should kill Juanito Bandito?
AMOS
Yes. That’s exactly what I’m asking.
MAGNUS
Ha. What a stroke of luck.
Takes out notebook
I have a notebook full of ideas on this very subject. How to Kill Juanito Bandito: death scenario number one…
SONG: HOW TO KILL JUANITO BANDITO
SEND HIM IN A PINATA COSTUME TO A QUINSENERA
REMOVE HIS HEAD – GUILLOTINE
DRAWN AND QUARTERED
INFECT HIM WITH THE PLAGUE
SNEAK INTO HIS ROOM NIGHTLY AND RUB SPF 150 ALL OVER HIS BODY, WAIT FOR A WHILE AND HE WILL DIE OF A VITAMIN D DEFICIENCEY
SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD WITH MULTIPLE ROUNDS OF CRYPTANITE BULLETS. IDIOT! THAT’S SUPERMANS’ WEAKNESS. YOU’RE RIGHT. THAT WOULD NEVER WORK.
TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND THEN – WAIT, IS THIS THE VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY THING? NO. TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND HOW DO VAMPIRES DIE? STAB HIM IN THE HEART WITH A STAKE. THAT’S ALSO HOW HUMANS DIE.
COCO KEEPS SAYING, COULDN’T WE JUST SHOOT HIM WHEN HE’S NOT LOOKING?
They end up deciding to do it the old fashioned way. MAGNUS will throw him a retirement party and poison his cake.
Just one quick question about the monkey. What does he plan to do with her?
Who?
Mr. Wilkenshire. The collector in Chicago?
He’s going to put her in his museum.
Museum?
Is there an echo?
Realizing for the first time
Do you mean, hopefully, a happy museum where animals have plenty of space to roam freely and exist in a controlled but somewhat natural existence?
No. I mean a museum museum. Where the only animals are killed, stuffed and displayed.
He’s going to kill Lindsey?
For the museum. It’s for education. He’s doing it for the kids basically. Think of all the field trips. Magnus is there something wrong?
This changes everything. He’s going to kill the monkey. I don’t know it’s … I just don’t know.
COCO and AMOS look at each other
AMOS
Let me make sure I understand what is happening. You have a notebook full of thousands of gruesome and disturbingly specific ways to kill a man and your moral compass kicks in when we talk about knocking off a primate for educational purposes?
Well when you put it that way.
DON’T EAT THE CAKE SCENE
SCENE: MAGNUS’ FUNERAL/MARSHALL GARRETT
At end of song PEITRA steps in front of the gathered mass. Has an envelope with the bill.
PEITRA
Thank you all for your attendance. This funeral is now completed. Next item of business is bill for funeral services rendered. Who should I … anyone? Casket fitting, dead guy makeup putting on-ing. Close friends or family? Anybody?
Tries to hand it to a couple of people.
AMOS
Don’t look at me.
BANDITO
I’m just here for the potatoes.
Putting away the bill
PEITRA
Okay, we will wait on the bill then. Second item of business. Would the pretty lady please step forward?
COCO
Me?
PEITRA
Yes. You, pretty lady. My friends, all of this talk of death and mortality has made me to realize what is truly valuable in my life.
Turns to COCO
Pretty lady, I am not wealthy man.
I know.
But what I lack in money I will make up for in straight up hustle and my immaculate level of physical prowess.
He growls
Pretty lady, for final time: please, will you marry me? Pretty please, pretty lady?
Ah hang it. I don’t care if you don’t have any money. I’m gonna marry you and there’s nobody in the world who could stop me … except for Channing Tatum (Harry Styles). If Channing Tatum made me an offer, I would have to accept, are you okay with that?
Fair enough.
Oh Pietra, I’m so happy.
This is what I am hoping you will say, because oh hey, lookie here.
Holds up his phone
What is it?
Showing the phone
Apparently I am good friends with rich Nigerian prince.
You’re friends with a Nigerian prince?
Must be, else how did he get my email address?
Keep talkin’.
I send him legal name and other sensitive information and he will transfer 2 million dollars within the week. I am rich man!
We think she’s realized that it’s a scam
Wait a minute, lemme see that.
She reads it
You sent him your social security number?
Yes.
And your bank account information?
Yes.
This feels totally legit.
I am so happy.
Who’da thought you had a friend that was a rich Nigerian prince?
I know.
And that he had an extra two million just lyin’ around?
I know.
Sometime during the last few lines, LINDSEY has entered and is now sitting casually next to BANDITO. BANDITO is casual at first
BANDITO
Lindsey, what are you doing here?
Realizes the situation. PIANO hits a “surprise” chord.
Lindsey! What are you doing here?!
LINDSEY shrieks and hides behind BANDITO pointing at AMOS who has drawn a gun and is pointing at BANDITO. Everyone gasps. PIANO plays an evil theme. Dun, duh dun etc.
AMOS
That’s it, no more games mate. Hand over my gorilla.
BANDITO laughs at him.
BANDITO
Oh Amos … Famous Amos. Of all the things you could do, this is what you are going to do? You’re going to pull a gun on Juanito Bandito? You are even more dumber than I thought.
AMOS
I’ll shoot. I swear I’ll shoot.
BANDITO
Getting ready to draw. Supremely confident.
I’m afraid that you have seriously underestimated my awesomeness.
LINDSEY goes in between them toward AMOS happily. BANDITO is concerned.
Lindsey, where are you going? Lindsey get over here. Lindsey no!
LINDSEY makes a noise and points at AMOS’s shirt and tricks him just like BANDITO tricked PEITRA. Steals the gun. She now has the gun and waves it around happily, scaring AMOS and the others.
AMOS
You stupid little mutt!
BANDITO is on him with his gun drawn.
BANDITO
Don’t talk to my Lindsey that way. You are hurting her feelings.
AMOS
Oh crikey! She’s a stupid monkey. She don’t have feelings!
Suddenly there are helicopter noises and spotlights all around. Wind.
BANDITO
What in the name of Mitt Romney is going on here?
AMOS
I warned you, mate. I know people, who know people.
Up to the helicopters
He’s here! This is him right here!
GARRETT
On a megaphone
Juanito Bandito, you’re under arrest. Drop the gun and put your hands behind your head.
BANDITO
Never!
GARRETT
This is not a suggestion. We have guns.
BANDITO
And also so do I.
GARRETT
Ya but we have really big guns.
Big old sound effect like a missile and everyone’s heads follow it and react when it blows up somewhere upstage. There is a lighting effect that happens with the explosion simulating rumbling the earth. Actors help this illusion out.
BANDITO
Turns back to the helicopters which are over the audience.
Haha! You missed me.
GARRETT
Sound of the megaphone turning on
Actually that was just a warning shot to show you how big our guns are.
BANDITO
Oh. Those are some big guns.
GARRETT
Thanks.
Everyone is still for an awkward few seconds. Unsure of who is going to talk.
So are you going to surrender or are we going to have to go John Wayne on your big Spanish badonkadonk?
BANDITO
Looking around for an out, unsure.
I uh …
GARRETT
You’ve got to the count of three.
BANDITO
Juanito Bandito will surrender to no man!
Everyone yells at him to drop the gun in their own way as he yells at the helicopters.
GARRETT
One.
BANDITO
I will die with a gun in my hands and a sick rap on my lips.
GARRETT
Two.
BANDITO
Alright stop, collaborate and listen. Ice-
GARRETT
Thr-
A gunshot from DARCY who has pulled her gun out. Everything goes silent. BANDITO is shocked, turns to her. She gives him a quick look and then he puts his hands to his back and says.
BANDITO
You have gotta be kidding me.
He falls dead. Everyone turns to look at DARCY for an explanation.
COCO
You shot him.
DARCY
Shrugs
He was asking for it.
LINDSEY runs over to BANDITO, concerned. AMOS comes over and attaches the collar to her neck.
AMOS
Come here you stupid mutt!
GARRETT comes in with two guns drawn pointing hilariously in every direction as he speaks. Everyone’s hands go up including LINDSEY who is the last to do it.
GARRETT
Hands up! Everyone. Show me your hands. Hands up! No monkey business, do you hear me?
To LINDSEY
Do you hear what I’m saying right now!!!? Answer me son!
DARCY
We didn’t catch your name.
GARRETT
US Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett at your servicio. The bigger the gun the louder the shot. Bang!
COCO
Big Guns Bo Garrett?
GARRETT
The bigger the gun the louder the shot. Bang! That’s m’ tagline.
Continuing with the ninja gun moves
Which one of you is the Juanito Bandito?
DARCY
That’s him right there.
GARRETT goes over and nudges BANDITO with his foot.
GARRETT
What’s wrong with ‘im? Is he sick?
DARCY
He’s dead.
GARRETT backs away quickly, nervous about the body
COCO
She shot him.
Does a double take at the sight of DARCY.
GARRETT
Hellooow Gorgeous.
DARCY
Extending her hand
Darcy Brown.
GARRETT
Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett. The bigger the gun the louder the shot. Bang!
DARCY
The man was a criminal.
GARRETT
Walking around showing off a bit for DARCY.
Yes he was, yes he was. Fact I was sent here by the presidente of the ew-nighted states to track down and dispose of the Bandito, but thanks to you, it looks like my work here is done. Nice shootin’ Mrs. Brown.
DARCY
Actually it’s Miss ... not Mrs.
GARRETT
Oh.
Sees what she means
Oooooh. Is that right?
Strikes a pose
DARCY
Yes. Yes it is.
GARRETT
I’m pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down.
AMOS grabs the leash again
AMOS
I’d love to stay and chat, but Lindsey and I have a train to catch.
GARRETT
Holy shleigh bells that man has a monkey on a leash.
DARCY
Mr. Moody, one more thing before you go.
Stops. Annoyed. He was almost gone.
AMOS
What?
DARCY
Would you mind showing Marshall Garrett your monkey handlers permit?
AMOS
My what?
DARCY
Your monkey handlers permit.
Mostly to GARRETT
You know, the one that a person is required to carry with them at all times while in possession of a live monkey?
AMOS
I uh ...
DARCY
You don’t have one?
AMOS
I do, but I uh ... I must have misplaced it.
DARCY
Misplaced his monkey handlers handling permit? Oh my. That’s troubling, wouldn’t you say, Marshall Garrett?
GARRETT
I would Miss Brown.
DARCY
I mean, a man who handles a gorilla without the proper documentation ... what kind of man is he, really?
GARRETT
Good thought. Good thought.
AMOS
To the aud or others
What’s happening right now?
DARCY
It’s a slippery slope. First he handles an animal without permits, next he’s skipping his own meetings for a missionary farewell and pretty soon, well … it’s the next logical step.
GARRETT
A two-piece swimsuit?
DARCY
Worse. Murder!
AMOS
Murder!?
GARRETT
Murder!? What murder?
DARCY
Indicating the coffin. Presenting her case like a lawyer.
The murder of one Magnus Ankleburt.
AMOS
That’s ridiculous.
GARRETT
Let’s just have a look here, shall we?
Opens the coffin and is taken back by what he sees. Jumps back trying to shake the image.
Woah! Holy son of a sack of ... That is one weird lookin’ dude right there, am I right? I mean – sorry I just gotta-
Takes another peek
Woah! Good nuggets that guy is … unique in his facial features. Woah that’s … it’s like a car wreck, you don’t want to look but you have absolutely no choice whatsoever-
Looks again
Oh! Oh I’m sick. I’m literally sick to my stomach. Do not let me open that coffin again, do you hear me? Do not- Okay just one more time – last time.
Looks quickly then almost gags and catches his breath resting on the coffin. Finally catches his breath.
That’s one weird lookin’ dude right there. How did he die?
DARCY
Poison.
GARRETT
Poison?
DARCY
He was deliberately poisoned.
GARRETT
By whom?
DARCY
I was hoping that a man of your experience might be able to save the day by helping us answer that very question.
GARRETT
I have been known to round up a bad guy or two in my day.
DARCY
I have no doubt about that.
Turns to PEITRA and COCO
GARRETT
So who was it? It was you two wasn’t it.
COCO
We no speak English.
They sneak off during these lines
GARRETT
To LINDSEY
Or maybe it was you!? Wait. Nevermind, you’re a monkey.
DARCY
Marshall, perhaps the guilty party might be located by searching for someone who is slipping in other areas of his life? Animal handling permits and the like ...
AMOS
Waaait, I see where this is going. This is an outrage!
DARCY
Is it though?
AMOS
Yes.
DARCY
Is it really?
AMOS
Yes. I did not poison Magnus Ankleburt!
DARCY
So you admit it?
AMOS
What?! No. I deny it.
DARCY
You didn’t do it?
AMOS
No.
DARCY
To GARRETT
He denies that he did not do it. Double negative.
DARCY and GARRETT
Guilty!
AMOS
What?!
DARCY
Marshall Garrett you’ve done it again.
GARRETT
Yes I have.
AMOS
Hang on just-
DARCY
You’ve solved the mystery!
AMOS
You conniving little sn-!
GARRETT
Grabbing AMOS with a police move and cuffing him
Mr Anus, that will be quite enough. You’re under arrest.
A pause
AMOS
Amos. A-Mos.
Covers his mouth with a gag quickly as he escorts him off.
GARRETT
Tell it to the judge!
He karate chops AMOS in the neck and he falls. GARRETT heists him onto his back. To DARCY:
Darlin’ I hate to do this to ya, but I gotta escort this criminal back to Washington. Look me up if you’re ever in town.
DARCY
Goodbye Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett!
GARRETT
The bigger the gun the louder the shot. Bang!
AMOS struggles and GARRETT boots him off
Adios citizens!
They exit. DARCY looks at BANDITO and at LINDSEY standing over him worried. DARCY sits down calmly.
DARCY
That fall was a little dramatic don’t you think?
BANDITO
As he sits up
It’s called acting. Look it up.
DARCY
Acting? You fell down and held still. That’s not acting. I was acting.
BANDITO
I’m just glad you’re a better actor than you are a shooter.
She hands him back his gun
DARCY
If I wanted to shoot you, I would have shot you.
BANDITO
What were you thinking?
DARCY
I wasn’t. I just had an idea so I went for it.
BANDITO
So proud
You finally followed your guts.
DARCY
I saved your life.
BANDITO
I don’t know about that. I could have prob’ly maybe taken those guys.
DARCY
Oh okay. The next time you’re about to go toe to toe with an armed helicopter, I’ll make sure to stay out of your way.
LINDSEY nudges up to BANDITO
Looks like Lindsey finally has an owner that will keep her best interests at heart.
BANDITO
And I finally have a friend who isn’t going to try to kill me with a slice of poison cake.
DARCY
Speaking of that, you need a new publicist.
BANDITO
Yes I do. Would you like to apply for the job?
DARCY
Maybe.
BANDITO
I need someone with experience who is not afraid to just, you know, follow her guts.
DARCY
It could be quite a challenge. I mean, now that you’re technically dead, it might be a little more difficult to get your career off the ground.
BANDITO
Not the way I see it.
DARCY
Do explain.
BANDITO
You know what sells more albums than a rapper with a dancing monkey?
DARCY
What?
BANDITO
A rapper with a dancing monkey who just came back from the dead. Hashtag winning team. So what do you say? You wanna join me for an adventure?
She thinks. He indicates to follow your guts.
DARCY
I’m in.
BANDITO
Yessss! Let the awesomeness begin!!!
Goes right into the final song. Everyone dressed in monkey-like attire singing and dancing in the aisles.
SONG: DO THE MONKEY
THE END