None of the songs are completed at this point

I don't have enough time to write nearly the tip of the iceberg on what's happened over the past week.  I've been non-stop 9am-1,2or3am working on the show.  Derek has been huge as usual.  Not only does he have the talent to write and come up with stuff but he doesn't have the mental blocks that I do.  He sees creativity as a task to be accomplished and he can sit down and accomplish it without letting his head get in the way.  He's come up with so many great things.  We are about to have our first rehearsals tomorrow and as I read through the script it's hard to know which ideas were mine and which were other people's.  Yes, it takes the talent to put them into the show and make them work in context but the original ideas came from varied places and people.  The show has evolved soooo much as you know if you've followed the blog or read the last 2 months of posts.

Below is the script as it is now.  I am sooo excited to get it on the stage.  I'm confident that it's going to be amazing.  It's going to take a superhuman amount of work over the next 3 weeks, but it will be done.

None of the songs are completed at this point.  I have a really good start on 2 or 3 of them but none of the tracks are started.  I'm going to have to re-teach myself Logic notation again which is super frustrating but I will get it done.

So ya, that's all I have time to write right now.  Here's the script:

--

JUANITO BANDITO IN THE ONE WITH THE MONKEY

 

SCENE: THE PRESS CONFERENCE

 

Musical introduction and with a beat there’s a sudden spotlight on MAGNUS center.  He’s standing stooped in front of a press conference setup with a microphone and a snowcone/gatorade and a branded backdrop. All of the reporters are in matching navy and baby blue outfits with large rimmed black glasses.

 

            MAGNUS

Testing one two.  Testing. 

 

      Clears throat

 

On behalf of Juanito Bandito, I’d like to thank you all for coming to witness today’s big announcement which I’m sure will some day be written about in the history books.  My name is Magnus Ankleburt and I am Mr. Bandito’s agent.  Mr. Bandito will read a statement and then take a few of your questions.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the one and only, Juanito Bandito.

 

BANDITO enters in dark sunglasses with music playing in the background. Camera flashes are going off.  He sits.

 

I am going to keep this simple. I have some sad news and I have some happy news.  The sad news is that after much thinking and considerationing I have decided to retire from being a bad guy … starting today. 

 

The reporters start to shout questions and make noise all simultaneously. 

 

      REPORTER(S)

Mr. Bandito, what do you mean by “retire?”

 

Are you saying no more bank robberies?

 

What brought about the sudden change?

 

MAGNUS comes forward to shush them.

 

            MAGNUS

Quiet please.  Ladies and gentlemen, please hold your questions.  Thank you.

 

            BANDITO

The happy news is that since I am stepping away from the day to day responsibilities of being a stone cold killer, I will now have time to focus on my true passion.  My music. Rap music to be more specific.  In conj-  conj-

 

He looks over his shoulder and MAGNUS comes to read the word that he can’t pronounce.

 

            MAGNUS

Conjunction.

 

            BANDITO

Conjunction?

 

            MAGNUS

Yes, conjunction.

 

            BANDITO

That’s not a word.

 

            MAGNUS

Actually it is.

 

            BANDITO

No, it’s not. 

 

      Covers the mic

 

This is what I get for letting you write my speeches?  You make up words for to making me sound stupid? 

 

            MAGNUS

It’s not made-

 

            BANDITO

You’re fired.  Pack your bags.

 

            MAGNUS 

      Quietly under his breath

It’s a word.

 

            BANDITO

What?

 

            MAGNUS

Nothing.

 

MAGNUS takes out his notebook and jots something down. BANDITO continues.

 

            BANDITO

In conj-

 

      Looks to MAGNUS again

 

            MAGNUS

Conjunction.

 

            BANDITO

In conjunction with this announcement, I am also excited to tell you that one week from today will be my very first concert appearance featuring songs from my dee-butt album. 

 

            MAGNUS

Debut.

 

            BANDITO

Bless you.  I will now take your questions.

 

      They all speak, trying to get his attention

 

            REPORTER

Mr. Bandito! 

 

            BANDITO

Yes?

 

            REPORTER

You’re the fastest gun in the world and the most successful semi-fictional Spanish outlaw in history. Why the sudden change of interest?

 

            BANDITO

Let me try to es-plain.  As you maybe have heard about, a couple of weeks ago I robbed a stagecoach that was transporting the Princess of Bhutan.

 

            REPORTER

A stagecoach robbery?

 

            REPORTER

A princess?

 

            REPORTER

That sounds exciting!

 

            BANDITO

Yes, except not.

 

            REPORTER

Can you elaborate?

 

            BANDITO

I would love to, but I’m not sure what that word means.  Instead I will continue to give you some more details. I came up to the guards and told them that I was going to rob the coach.  One of them asked me who I thought I was and so I told them, “I am Juanito Bandito.”

 

REPORTER

And?

 

            BANDITO

They started crying … like a bunch of little sissy girls.

 

            REPORTER

What about the Princess?

 

            BANDITO

I stole her money, her jewelries and her horses and do you know what she did?

 

            REPORTER

Scream?

 

            BANDITO

No.  She gave me her phone number.

 

            REPORTER

You’re kidding.

 

            BANDITO

I wish I was.

 

            REPORTER

Did you take it?

 

            BANDITO

She was super hot so yes.

 

      Phone text sound effect.  Checks his phone

 

Speaking of a devil. 

 

      Reads her text then takes a duckface selfie

 

Smiley face, panda bear, Bandito face, raise the roof hands.

 

      Send sound effect

 

She doesn’t speak English so we communicate with emoticons.

 

      Puts phone away

 

What I am trying to say here is that robbing the coach was too easy. It has all become too easy and that, my friends, is why I am done using my guns for to getting the things that I want.

 

      Calls on another reporter

 

Yes?

 

            REPORTER

Can you tell us more about your upcoming concert?

 

            BANDITO

Well, it’s next week and it’s gonna be awesome. 

 

            REPORTER

Can you elaborate?

 

            BANDITO

Again, I’m not sure, but I can tell you that it will be literally the most super-awesome thing you have ever seen in your entire life.  Like this will be your mind and I will be like-

 

      Blows

 

Blown.  … I am literally going to blow your mind.

 

Some vocal reaction from the reporters. BANDITO calls on another.

 

Yes.

 

            REPORTER

Are you aware of the fact that you just misused the word “literally?”

 

            BANDITO

Are you aware of the fact that you are dumb?  Next question. 

 

            REPORTER

Are you-

 

Suddenly on runs PEITRA who is wearing nothing but a sign that has a website on it.  Some razzle dazzle music from the PIANO.

 

            PEITRA

Hey, hey, hey!

 

            MAGNUS

Woah, Peitra what are you doing?

 

            PEITRA

      Turns to MAGNUS and BANDITO

So sorry.  Will just be a moment.

 

      Turns to the cameras and speaks

 

Hello internet!  I am Pietra of Pietra’s Pickle Sickles, your one stop internet shop for the world’s most delicious pickle treats now offering free worldwide pickle shipping.

 

            BANDITO

Security!

 

            PEITRA

Visit online at ww dot pietra’s pickles dot com.

 

            BANDITO

Security!  Magnus, that’s you.  Security!  Please get this man out of my press conference.

 

      MAGNUS drags him off as he says his last line

 

            PEITRA

Use the discount code cucumber to receive a free two liter pickle juice!

 

            BANDITO

Sorry for that.  I have time for one more question.  Yes.

 

            REPORTER

Why do you want to become a rapper of all things?  Why not something normal and at least partially useful … like a dentist?

 

      Musical intro begins

 

            BANDITO

First of all, dentists are kind of freaky.  Secondly, a rapper is not something you become.  A rapper is something you just are.

 

            REPORTER

Would you care to elaborate? 

 

            BANDITO

Pretty sure not, but I will give you further details.  It’s like this.

 

SONG: DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO

 

LEMME LAY IT DOWN LIKE IT IS

LEMME LAY IT OUT LOUD LIKE A DAD TO HIS KIDS

YOU SEE,

IT’S A STORY ‘BOUT A GUY ON THE FLY

WAKIN UP, SAW THE FUTURE WRITTEN IN THE SKY

 

IT’S LIKE THIS

EVER SINCE I WAS A SMALL ONE

ALWAYS KNEW THAT THE BEAT WAS MY CALL SON

ALWAYS KNEW THAT ONE DAY

I’D BE ON THE STAGE

BU-BUMP-BUMPIN’

SPITTIN’ RHYMES FOR DAYS AND DAYS

 

COULDN’T SLEEP, CAUSE I WAS DREAMIN’ IT NIGHTLY

THE VERY THOUGHT GOT ME FEELIN’ SO RIGHTLY

A VISION, COLLISION, A LIGHT IN THE DARK

MY LIFE WAS A DRY BRANCH WAITIN’ FOR THE SPARK

 

AND NOW YES, MY TIME IS COME

TIME FOR JACK WIGGETTY WHACK MACK LYRICAL FUN

AND DON’T STRESS, CAUSE IMMA SHOW YOU WHERE IT’S AT

SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP

 

 

CHORUS:

YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO WHEN YOU GOTTA DO IT

BE WHAT YOU GOTTA BE WHEN YOU GOTTA BE IT

SEE WHAT YOU GOTTA SEE WHEN YOU GOTTA SEE IT

SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY

BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP

 

I GOTTA RAP

RAP LIKE A TOGA

RAP LIKE A KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR

I’M COMIN’ OVAH

 

RAP LIKE A PRESENT

RAP UP THE CHEESE

WRAP THE ONLY HEALTHY THING

AT MICKY-D’S

 

IT’S GROWN UP GAME

I DON’T KNOW HOW I DO IT

 

CHORUS

 

MUSICAL INTERLUDE WITH PIANO AND GUITAR SOLO

 

CHORUS

 

SMALL ENDING RAP

 

FINAL HIT

 

      End of song

 

            MAGNUS

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming. We look forward to seeing you at the concert next week.

 

The reporters wander off and DARCY approaches BANDITO

 

            DARCY

Mr. Bandito, can I have a moment?

 

            MAGNUS

I’m sorry but he doesn’t have time for-

 

            BANDITO

      Moving MAGNUS aside

Darcy Brown.  I thought I was a pretty big deal but now I know for sure.

 

            DARCY

The Times would like to do a full-page feature on your career transition. Is there another time we can get together? Over dinner, perhaps?

 

            BANDITO

Dinner?

 

            DARCY

If it’s convenient.

 

            BANDITO

Where?

 

            DARCY

Wherever you want.

 

            BANDITO

Mmm.  That is my favorite restaurant.

 

            DARCY

So it’s a date then?

 

            BANDITO

Yes.  I’ll have my people get ahold of your people.

 

            DARCY

Fair enough. 

 

      Turns to MAGNUS

 

            BANDITO

People!  Talk to this woman.  I’m going to my studio to work on my sick beats. 

 

Big loud hit in the music as lights black out except for small spot on BANDITO’s head.  He headbangs to the music as the next scene is set.

 

 

SCENE – FIND MY SHTICK

 

Lights up on BANDITO’s mancave as music ends and suddenly he is playing something on his phone.  The awesomest mancave ever.  There are signed posters of Kobe, Taylor Swift and Dr. Dre.  There are two nice, manly leather chairs, a table in the middle and a cool lamp and a rug. There’s a freestanding door on stage R.  There’s a knock on the door.  BANDITO opens it to MAGNUS.

 

            BANDITO

Magnus, my brother from another mother.  Como va la lucha?

 

            MAGNUS

      Entering to sit, concerned

We need to talk.

 

            BANDITO

Okay. 

 

      MAGNUS sits and opens his laptop, worried

 

Is something wrong?

 

            MAGNUS

As your agent and also as your friend, I have to ask you this one more time: Are you sure you want to go through with this?

 

            BANDITO

What do you mean?

 

            MAGNUS

Are you sure you want to hang up your guns? I mean wouldn’t it be a lot simpler to just keep doing what you were doing before?  You’re so good at it.

 

            BANDITO

Magnus, I am so sick of hearing people talk about my guns as if that is all there is to know about me.  Yes, I have very fast guns, fine, but there are other things about me that are awesome, right?

 

      MAGNUS stares at him directly but doesn’t answer

 

Say yes.

 

            MAGNUS

Yes. 

 

            BANDITO

Once I blow some minds with my super-sick raps, the world will know me not only as a man who is fast with his guns, but a man who is even faster with his rhymes.

 

      MAGNUS takes a deep breath

 

What?  You don’t think I have fast rhymes?

 

            MAGNUS 

I didn’t say that.

 

            BANDITO

Give me a word.

           

            MAGNUS

What?

 

            BANDITO

Give me any word and I will rhyme it.  Any word.

 

            MAGNUS

I didn’t-

 

            BANDITO

      Draws his gun

An-y worrrd.

 

            MAGNUS

I didn’t mean to-

 

            BANDITO

      Shoots into the ground

Una palabra, por favor!!!

 

      A beat

 

            MAGNUS

Spoon.

 

            BANDITO

June.  … Give me another one.

 

            MAGNUS

Fork.

 

            BANDITO

Easy. 

 

      Points to MAGNUS

 

Dork.  Another.

 

            MAGNUS

Floor.

 

            BANDITO

Door.

 

            MAGNUS

Happy.

 

            BANDITO

Slappy. 

 

            MAGNUS

Sad.

 

            BANDITO

Dad. This is so easy.  I am so talented at this.

 

      MAGNUS gets clever

 

            MAGNUS

Chimney.

 

            BANDITO

      BANDITO can’t find one.

Umm …

 

            MAGNUS

Luggage. 

 

            BANDITO

I uh … smuggage …

 

            MAGNUS

Penguin.  Sandwich …  Elbow.

 

Improv time.  MAGNUS calls him out on his fake rhymes and BANDITO makes up their origins.

 

            BANDITO

You know what?  That’s enough of rhyming for today.  You get the point.  I’m a rapper. End of story. 

 

            MAGNUS

It appears that you are quite resolved in the matter.

 

            BANDITO

Yes I really am.

 

            MAGNUS

      Focusing back on the laptop

Then the next thing I think we should do is a quick debriefing.

 

            BANDITO

      Pauses, looking at MAGNUS

I’m hoping that that word does not mean what I am thinking that it means.

 

            MAGNUS

It doesn’t.  How did you feel about the press conference this morning?

 

            BANDITO

Fine.  I was awesome.  The peoples love me.  Big surprise. 

 

            MAGNUS

That’s exactly what I thought … until I got online.

 

            BANDITO

What do you mean?

 

            MAGNUS

You’re all over the place.  The virtual world can’t stop talking about you.

 

            BANDITO

That’s great.

 

            MAGNUS

I thought so too, until I started to read what they were saying.  Take this tweet/people.com article for example.

 

      Hands BANDITO the computer.  BANDITO reads.

 

            BANDITO

“Bandito’s big career change is more cli-  cli- “  What is this word?

 

            MAGNUS

Cliché.

 

            BANDITO

“Bandito’s career change is more cliché than a zombie game in the app store.  Funeral potatoes, Disneyland on UEA, (a white girl in a starbucks)” What does that supposed to mean?

 

            MAGNUS

It means they think they’ve heard your story before. 

 

            BANDITO

What do they mean they’ve heard it before?!  I am original.  I am unique. 

 

            MAGNUS

You’re a rapper that used to be a criminal.

 

            BANDITO

OM gosh you’re right.  That is pretty much the exact career path of every rapper in the history of like ever.

 

            MAGNUS

      Scrolling on the laptop or his phone

They’re all saying the same thing.  And you’re getting absolutely murdered on Twitter right now.

 

      Laughs, looks up and explains to BANDITO

 

That one was actually pretty funny.

 

            BANDITO

Magnus what are we going to do?  This morning I am on top of the world and now I am nothing more than a cli-  a cli-

 

            MAGNUS

Cliché.

 

            BANDITO

Yes, that.

 

            MAGNUS

You could always change your mind.  Go back and tell them it was just a joke.

 

            BANDITO

And give up on my destiny?  Never! You can take the gangster out of the hood but you can’t take the hood out of the gangster.

 

            MAGNUS

      Offering knuckles

True dat yo.

 

            BANDITO

What is that?

 

            MAGNUS

Just returning some swag for swag if you will.

 

            BANDITO

Swag?

 

            MAGNUS

What?  I have swag.

 

            BANDITO

Magnus, your level of swag is somewhere between oboe player and Hilary Clinton.

 

MAGNUS takes a deep breath and writes something in his notebook.

 

What I need is a plan.  A plan to help me stand out in the overcrowded sea of former terrible people who decided to become rappers.

 

            MAGNUS

You need a shtick.

 

            BANDITO

A stick?

 

            MAGNUS

Not stick.  Shtick.  A gimmick.  Something to set yourself apart.

 

            BANDITO

Something unique.

 

            MAGNUS

Yes.

 

            BANDITO

Something original.

 

            MAGNUS

Exactly.

 

            BANDITO

Hang on.

 

      BANDITO suddenly starts meditating

 

            MAGNUS

What are you doing?

 

            BANDITO

I am asking the universe to send me my shtick.

 

            MAGNUS

The universe?

 

            BANDITO

Yes, the universe.  I read about it in a book once.

 

      MAGNUS looks at him like “really?”

 

Okay fine I saw it on the YouTubes.

 

      Goes back to meditating

 

            MAGNUS

You think all you have to do is ask the universe and some unseen force is going to make your solution appear out of nowhere?

 

BANDITO

It’s worth a try.

 

            MAGNUS

Ya well I got news for you, bucko.  Life isn’t like that.  Answers don’t just randomly show up and walk through your front door and start handing out fliers.

 

Suddenly a knock on the door.  LINDSEY comes in with a flier.  Walks quickly across and hands it to BANDITO, tips her hat and then leaves just as quickly. 

 

            MAGNUS

Well that’s something you don’t see every day.

 

            BANDITO

      Reading the flier

Magnus, we have to go now.

 

            MAGNUS

Was that a … monkey?

 

      Hands him the flier.  He reads it.

 

I think we have to go now.

 

            BANDITO

The universe just sent me my shtick!

 

They make a break for the door and Blackout.  Scene change music goes into the song.

 

SCENE: MEET LINDSEY

 

Lights up on town street.

 

SONG:  AMOS and LINDSEY

 

Idea:

The world is full of sadness

There's depression, sobs, and tears

I heard the cries and wondered why

Doesn't somebody conquer these fears?

So I left, a man on a mission

To find the secret, to make the world grin

And I found her, a miracle, (a big, hairy miracle)

And like that, we let happiness in

 

She may not smell too pretty

Or have opposable thumbs

She's got fleas, and big feet,

But when she hears the beat

The rhythm and moves they just come!

 

(Picking up speed)

I can see you're curious, George

But hold your breath and we'll forge

Ahead to the gorge

-ous star of our show

The one you'll all want to know

So hang on here we go

Let's all say hello to

*FANFARE and REVEAL*

Lindsey!!!!

 

I'm the man with the monkey, the champ with the chimp!

I'm the guy with the gorilla for when life's feelin' limp!

So, if you need a pick-me-up or maybe a smile, come watch Lindsey dance a while!

 

I'm her top banana

She's my Queen Kong

When we passed through China

She'd hear that gong and-

*kung fu fighting moves*

 

(A la tango)

Have you ever seen a chango

That can do the tango

Found her in the jungle

And we've been cheek to cheek ever since!

 

She can tap dance

And do ballet

Just give her half a chance

And she can limbo your cares away!

 

I'm the lug with the lemur

The Al with the ape

I'm the bub with the baboon to get you all feelin great!

So open your wallets

Let bills rain from the sky

For Lindsey the Ape and I!!!

 

(Fast patter)

So if life feels like a no-go

Keep your eyes on my bonobo

As she does a little solo

That she picked up down in Soho

She's LINDSEY, the Eighth Wonder of the World!!!!

 

After the number PEITRA approaches COCO with a dead animal

 

            PEITRA

A possum for the pretty lady.

 

            COCO

Ahhh!  It’s a rat.  Why are you handing me a rat?  Take it away. 

 

            PEITRA

In my country, giving pretty lady dead animal is sign of respect and romance.

 

            COCO

Ahhh.  That’s funny cause in this country, it’s not. 

 

      He extends it to her.  She’s grossed out still.

 

No.  I don’t-

 

He forces it upon her.  She grabs it.

 

Thank you.  Thank you so much for this … rat.

 

            PEITRA

Possum.

 

            COCO

Beg your pardon?

 

            PEITRA

Not rat.  Possum.  Delicious with ramen noodles.

 

            COCO

I’ll have to try that.

 

            PEITRA

      Kneels and opens a ring box with a ring pop

Marry me.

 

            COCO

Come again?

 

            PEITRA

Marry me, Pretty Lady.

 

            COCO

I don’t even know your name.

 

            PEITRA

Pietra.

 

            COCO

Pietra?

 

            PEITRA

Marry me.

 

            COCO

I don’t even know you. 

 

PEITRA

What would you like to know?

 

            COCO

What do you do for a living?

 

            PEITRA

I own business. 

 

            COCO

      Excited kind of

So you’re a businessman?

 

            PEITRA

I am not a businessman but I am a business … man.

 

            COCO

Are you rich?

 

            PEITRA

No.

 

            COCO

Are you famous?

 

            PEITRA

No.

 

            COCO

You’re not rich, you’re not famous and you ain’t even learned how to speak no proper English?  What do you have to offer?


            PEITRA

Well, I usually save this for second date, but I am world record holder.

 

            COCO

For what?

 

            PEITRA

I will show you, but first you must know the doctor says it is benign.

 

Goes to take off his shoe.  She dry heaves and runs off.  He looks up and she is gone.  Turns to audience.

 

And that is why I wait for second date.

 

Blackout.  Scene change music with PEITRA getting jiggy.

 

SCENE: I’D LIKE TO BUY A MONKEY

 

Scene change music back to BANDITO’s mancave.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are there.  MAGNUS is dressed in a funny suit coat.  BANDITO is maybe dressed up a little as well.

 

            MAGNUS

Are you sure this isn’t a trite much?

 

            BANDITO

We have to show this man that we are serious about this monkey business.

 

            MAGNUS

This is too big.

 

            BANDITO

Is it my fault that your mother married a Harry Potter house elf? 

 

            MAGNUS

My father was not an elf.

 

            BANDITO

Are you sure?

 

            MAGNUS

      Admitting defeat

No.

 

      A knock. 

 

            BANDITO

Do not speak unless you are spoken to.

 

BANDITO answers.  It’s AMOS and LINDSEY.

 

Amos Moody!  Thank you so much for agreeing to come on such short notice.  Or I guess as they say in your country, “Thank you for agreeing to come on such short notice … mate.” Do they do the kissing the cheeks thing in Australia?

 

            AMOS

No, not really.

 

            BANDITO

Good.  I’m super glad for that.

 

            AMOS

Nice setup you have here.

 

BANDITO sees LINDSEY who is following AMOS into the room.

 

            BANDITO

Oh my good night look at – look at this monkey.  She’s beautiful.  You are beautiful.  Can she understand me?

 

            AMOS

She’s a monkey.

 

            BANDITO

So … ?

 

            AMOS

She don’t speak English.

 

            BANDITO

Oh right.  Australian.

 

      Louder and with actions and a bad accent

 

You are beautiful!  Let’s put another shrimp on the bar-

 

MAGNUS clears his throat trying to help the situation

 

This is my agent, Magnus Ankleburt.

 

            MAGNUS

A pleasure to meet you both.  Your performance was exceptional and might I say that-

 

            BANDITO

Shuuuut …  your mouth!  Psh … This guy.  He’d talk your ear off if you let him.  

 

      Pulls AMOS aside

 

You know what I have to do sometimes when he starts talking?  I distract myself by making a list of all of the things I would rather do than listen to him talking. 

 

            MAGNUS

I don’t think I talk anymore than any normal-

 

            BANDITO

“Remove a wart, root canal, trigonometry,” and usually by the time I get to “watch movie starring Nicholas Cage” he shuts up.

 

      MAGNUS takes out his notebook and writes.

 

Please have a seat.

 

AMOS sits.  During this scene LINDSEY starts next to AMOS but moves back at some point to torment MAGNUS who is scared to death of her.

 

            AMOS

Lindsey, sit.  Stay.

 

            BANDITO

Mr. Amos, if it’s okay with you I’m going to cut right to the cheese.  I want to buy your monkey.

 

      AMOS doesn’t react

 

You don’t look surprised.

 

            AMOS

That’s because I’m not.

 

            BANDITO

The way I see it, you can sell me the monkey for more than you make in a year with your little show and this will give you time to pursue your other interests and talents.  Like I don’t know … alligator wrestling or boomerang carving or you could audition to be the next Crocodile Dundee.  I’m just spitballing here.

 

            AMOS

How much money are we talking about?

 

            BANDITO

I know that it might be hard to say goodbye to a dear friend but you have to remember-

 

            AMOS

I’m not worried about that.

 

            BANDITO

You’re not?

 

            AMOS

Mate, she’s a monkey.  It’s not like she has feelings or nothin’.

 

They laugh although BANDITO is not so sure he agrees.  This is not what he expected.

 

            BANDITO

I’m glad you feel that way. 

 

            AMOS

How much?

 

            BANDITO

      Writing a number on a piece of paper

Here is what I am prepared to offer you.

 

Slides the paper across to AMOS after writing a number.  AMOS reads it and laughs.

 

            AMOS

Is this a joke?

 

            BANDITO

No, this is no joke.

 

            AMOS

      Hands back the paper

Looks like a joke to me.

 

            BANDITO

Fine.

 

      BANDITO writes another figure and gives it to him

 

            AMOS

That’s not enough.

 

      BANDITO thinks he’s getting played

 

            BANDITO

What do you mean “not enough?!”

 

            AMOS

Look, you’re not my only potential buyer.

 

            BANDITO

Really?

 

            AMOS

I’ve got an offer from a gentleman in Chicago.  In fact I’m on my way to drop off the goods right now.

 

      BANDITO thinks he’s lying but makes one more offer

 

            BANDITO

Okay then.  Name your price.

 

            AMOS

Alright.

 

AMOS takes the paper from him and writes a number.  Slides it across to him.

 

            BANDITO

Are you kidding me?  Tell me this is a joke or else I swear, I will take my monkey business elsewhere.

 

            AMOS

That’s the price, mate.

 

            BANDITO

Never in my life have I paid this much for a monkey.

 

            AMOS

She’s a dancing monkey

 

            BANDITO

I don’t care if she dances.  I don’t care if she washes my dishes.

 

            AMOS

She will.

 

            BANDITO

I don’t care if she spits gold nuggets and poops Cadbury cream eggs! My name is Juanito Bandito.

 

            AMOS

I know who you are.

 

            BANDITO

Then you will understand what I am saying when I say unto you that this is a take it or lose it proposition.

 

            AMOS

Are you threatening me?

 

            BANDITO

Does this answer your question?

 

Does a quick fire with someone shooting the gun offstage.

 

      AMOS

No, actually it doesn’t.

 

            BANDITO

How about this?

 

      Does it again.

 

            AMOS

Still not understanding.

 

            BANDITO

Maybe this will help.

 

      One more time

 

            AMOS

I get that you’re trying to get some point across with all of this wasteful gunfire, but I’m still kinda like whaaaaa?

 

            BANDITO

      Quickly

I’m showing you how fast I am with my gun!

 

            AMOS

You don’t scare me, mate.

 

            BANDITO

      Grabbing his arm

Are you sure about that?

 

            AMOS

Be careful Bandito.  I know people … who know people.

 

            BANDITO

      Big pause, dramatic

What does that even mean?

 

            AMOS

Lindsey come.

 

By now, LINDSEY has MAGNUS cornered up on a chair or something.  It’s been a slow process of LINDSEY getting closer and MAGNUS trying to stay away from her all scene.

 

            BANDITO

I thought you were a smart man, famous Amos.

 

            AMOS

Well it looks like you were wrong. 

 

      Thinks about clarifying but decides not to

 

Good day.

 

AMOS and LINDSEY leave.  MAGNUS calms down a bit after having been tormented by LINDSEY.

 

            MAGNUS

So much for that idea.

 

            BANDITO

Magnus, do you really think I’m gonna give up so easy?  That monkey is a gift to me from the gods of hip hop.

 

            MAGNUS

But you heard what he said.  He knows people who know people.

 

            BANDITO

Yes.  And so do I.  So do you.  So does everyone.  In fact as far as I know, Adam and Eve were the only two people ever who did not know people who knew people.

 

            MAGNUS

I guess when you put it that way.

 

            BANDITO

It means nothing.

 

            MAGNUS

You’re right.

 

            BANDITO

He’s basically saying nothing.

 

            MAGNUS

He might have well had just been like …

 

Awkward pause. Scene change music hits and BANDITO and MAGNUS get jiggy with it.

 

SCENE:  SIRI

 

            PEITRA

Hey, Pretty Lady.

 

            COCO

Oh it’s you again.

 

            PEITRA

Good news!  I am now a millionaire.

 

            COCO

You are?

 

            PEITRA

No.  Not technically, but I do have a million dollar idea.

           

            COCO

I’m sure you do.

 

            PEITRA

Hear me out.  I have developed brand new software for cellular devices.

 

            COCO

What does it do?

 

            PEITRA

It is a soothing voice the will answer questions, give you directions and provide lifelike conversations for people who have no friends. 

 

            COCO

Really?

 

            PEITRA

Here give it a try.  Ask whatever you want.

 

            COCO

What’s the capital of Illinois?

 

            SIRI

I found three Chinese restaurants near you.

 

            PEITRA 

It is still in Beta phase. 

 

 

Blackout.  Scene change music as COCO gets jiggy with it.

 

 

 

 

      Takes the phone

Siri, tell the pretty lady the capital of Illinois.

 

Pietra, I don’t appreciate your tone.

 

You’re ruining this for me.

 

 

SCENE: DARCY and BANDITO

 

BANDITO and DARCY are sitting at a table eating at a makeshift restaurant.  BANDITO just finished a story.

 

      DARCY

No way.

 

            BANDITO

Yes way.

 

            DARCY

Please tell me you made that up.

 

            BANDITO

I wish I did.

 

            DARCY

That’s the most unbelievable and also kind of super gross story I’ve ever heard.

 

      A pause, BANDITO chuckles

 

She was your sister?

 

            BANDITO

I did not even know I had a sister!

 

      Going through the pages of notes she just took

 

            DARCY

Wow.  Mistaken identities, magical potions, pirates, … pink bunnies … Your life is kind of amazing.

 

            BANDITO

Amazing is my middle name.

 

            DARCY

      She laughs then thinks he’s serious.

Wait.  Is it really?

 

            BANDITO

      He tricked her kind of

No.  But it should be.

 

Laughs at the joke. Thumbing through her notes.

 

            DARCY

I think I’ve got plenty here to get me started. 

 

      Looks at him.  Pauses.

 

Maybe just one more question.

 

            BANDITO

Fire away.

 

            DARCY

You’re the most feared outlaw in history.

 

            BANDITO

I rock.  No duh.  Sorry, what was the question?

 

            DARCY

You’re the best in your business and now all of the sudden you want to give it up to become … a rapper of all things? 

 

            BANDITO

It is time for a new adventure.

 

            DARCY

There has to be more to the story than that.

 

            BANDITO

Actually not really.  I woke up one morning and I was like, “I’m kind of bored,” and that’s when I knew that it was time for something new.

 

            DARCY

What if it doesn’t work out?

 

            BANDITO

Anyone who doesn’t think it’s gonna work out is seriously underestimating my awesomeness.  You can quote me on that.

 

            DARCY

Can I tell you something?  This is going to sound weird but … I envy you.

 

Actually … that doesn’t sound weird at all.  I hear that all the time. 

 

No seriously, your life is just one adventure after another.  And me, I –

 

What do you mean?  You’ve been right in the middle of wars and elections and sporting events … Good night you were on the sideline when the Yeshawks threw away the Super Bowl.

 

            DARCY

You mean the Seahaws?

 

            BANDITO

Si.  That’s what I said.  The YesHawks

 

            DARCY

I guess what I’m trying to say is that reporting on something remarkable is a lot different than doing something remarkable.

 

      A beat.  Music starts.

 

The problem is that I like to have all of the information you know … before I make a decision.  That’s not a bad thing, is it?

 

            BANDITO

If you wait until you have all of the information you’re probably gonna end up missing your adventures.

 

            DARCY

You know what?  You’re right.

 

SONG: JUST GO FOR IT

 

LIKE THINK OF DAVID

DAVID?

THE ONE WITH THE GIANT

FROM THE BIBLE?

ONE DAY HE’S SITTIN’ IN A FIELD JUS’ WATCHIN’ SHEEP AND THEN

THE NEXT THING

HE’S FACED WITH A GIANT

ALL HE’S GOT’S A BAG OF ROCKS AND A SLINGSHOT

 

GOLIATH CALLS OUT FOR ALL TO HEAR

LET ONLY THE STRONGEST MEN COME NEAR

AND WHAT DOES DAVID DO?

HIS LIFE IS ON THE BRINK

THE ODDS ARE STACKED AGAINST HIM

YET HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK

 

HE JUST GOES FOR IT

HE GOES FOR IT

THROWS HIS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND JUST FIGHTS

DOESN’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT’S HE’S PROBLY GONNA DIE

HE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE HE JUST LETS IT FLY

HE JUST GOES FOR IT, MAN HE GOES FOR IT

HE PUT HIS HEAD DOWN AND HE ACTS AND HOOOOW

HE’S IRRAT-ION-AL,

ILL-LOG-IC-AL

COMPLETELY CERTIFIABLY INSANE AND YET WHEN THE DUST CLEARS

THERE HE STANDS

A HERO

 

            DARCY

It’s as if he knew he was going to win.  How did he know?

 

            BANDITO

He didn’t.  You answered your own question. Sometimes you have to forget about the odds and the facts and just make a choice.  You have to just go for it.

 

            DARCY

That’s a very romantic notion but it doesn’t always work out in practice.

 

                  BANDITO

What do you mean?

 

            DARCY

Sometimes the facts are your friends.

 

            BANDITO

Would you care the elab-  Elabr-

 

            DARCY

Elaborate?

 

            BANDITO

Yes, that.

 

            DARCY

Absolutely.

 

THINK OF ROMEO

THE ONE WITH THE GIRLFRIEND

HE FELL IN LOVE WITH JULIET

AND VOWED TO BE HER PRINCE

 

BUT THEN THE NEXT DAY

HE WENT TO THE CHAPEL

HE THOUGHT THE GIRLS WAS DEAD

BUT SHE WAS SLEEPING

-HE SAW HIS LOVE ASLEEP AND GOT

-TO THINKIN’ SHE WAS DEAD

 

HE CRIED AND MOANED IN LOVESTRUCK SORROW

HE STARTED TO THINKIN THERE WAS NO TOMORROW

AND WHAT DOES ROMIE DO

WHEN HIS WITTS ARE ON THE BRINK

HE’S GOT A VILE OF POISON

AND HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK

 

HE JUST GOES FOR IT

MAN HE GOES FOR IT

THROWS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND DONE DEAL

HE DOESN’T CARE THE CALCULATE

THE FACTS THAT MIGHT BE MISSIN’

THE COUPLE ENDS UP DYIN’

WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE ENDED KISSIN’

HE GOES FOR IT, YA HE GOES FOR IT

HE ACTS AND HE ENDS UP DEAD

HE’S IRRATIONAL, ILLOGICAL, SOME PEOPLE SAY ROMANTIC BUT I JUST SAY STUPID, AND WHEN THE DUST CLEARS, THERE HE STANDS, A HERO, A DEAD HERO

 

Come on Romeo, have a little patience, am I right?  Get a doctor to examine her medically first.

 

… or at very least check her pulse. 

 

Exactly.  How do you know when to check the facts versus just taking a blind leap?

 

You have to follow your guts.

 

My guts?

 

Es muy sencillo. You listen carefully to what your guts is telling you and then you do it. 

 

You mean your instincts.

 

Same diff.  For example, my guts usually is telling me things like, steal that or shoot that guy or write some sick raps.

 

Hmm.

 

As long as I listen my guts, everything almost always usually sometimes turns out for the best. 

 

SO LETS IMAGINE

OKAY

A HERALDED WRITER

LIKE YOU?

SHE’S ITCHIN FOR ADVENTURE BUT SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE THE GUTS

 

SHE’S DETERMINED

BU

 

I WANNA JUST GO FOR IT, GO FOR IT

I WANNA DO SOMETHING IRRATIONAL AT LEAST

I WANT TO LIVE SOME RARE ADVENTURE

WANNA SEE WHAT IT’S ABOUT

I’M WALKING TO THE EDGE AND THEN I’M JUMPING … LOOK OUT!

 

I GO FOR IT, YA I JUST GO FOR IT

I’M EVERYTHING I WANNA BE AND HOW!

 

      End of song

 

            BANDITO

Okay Darcy Brown.  I am going to doing you a favor.

 

            DARCY

Is that right? 

 

            BANDITO

I’m taking you on an adventure.  And let me just say in advance … you’re welcome. 

 

      She laughs

 

I need some help with a little … project I am working on.  It is for a very good cause.

 

            DARCY

Sounds intriguing.

 

            BANDITO

Oh it is.

 

            DARCY

Will it be dangerous?

 

            BANDITO

Danger is my middle name. 

 

      She pulls a face

 

Juanito Amazing Danger Bandito.  True story.

 

            DARCY

Is it something illegal?

 

            BANDITO

If it is, will you say no?

 

            DARCY

Probably.

 

            BANDITO

Then I will not tell you.

 

      She laughs

 

            DARCY 

What is it?

 

            BANDITO

Ding ding ding.  Oh I’m sorry you have reached the information limit for making this decision.  Now say yes. 

 

            DARCY

But what if-

 

            BANDITO

      Making fun

No but what if’s!  But what if we get in trouble?  But what if I get hurt?  But what if I get obstructed by aliens?

 

      Gets serious

 

Look at me Darcy Brown.  Listen to your guts.  What is your guts saying to you right now?

 

            DARCY

      She thinks hard.  The joke is subtle.

Really? … Tacos???

 

      They both laugh at her funniness

 

Okay fine. I’m in.

 

            BANDITO

Yes!  That is the spirit.  Meet me back here in one hour.

 

      BANDITO heads out

 

            DARCY

But what if-

 

            BANDITO

No more but what ifing!  One hour and you will have your adventure.

 

She reaches into her purse and pulls out her headphones.  Puts them on and then music hits and DARCY dances as scene changes.

 

 

 

SCENE: INTERNET FLIX

 

PEITRA and COCO are walking across the stage.  She’s got another animal that he just gave to her.

 

            COCO

Tell me again how it will work?

 

      PEITRA

For low monthly fee you will be able to stream unlimited movies and tv shows to any device anywhere in the world. I will call it Net-movies or maybe Internet-flix.  What do you think?

 

            COCO

Who in their right mind would pay for a convenient online service like that when all you have to do is get you wallet, get in the car, drive into town, walk into the video store, spend several minutes physically searching for the movie you want which is hopefully not already rented out, wait in line, pay for it, and don’t forget to bring it back within 48 hours or you will have to pay a late fee?  Sorry Pietra but the internet movies idea is a flop.  Trust me.  Blockbuster Video is here to stay, my friend. 

 

Blackout.  Scene change music as someone gets jiggy with it.

 

 

SCENE: AMOS, LINDSEY and COCO IN CAMP

 

Lights up at nighttime on AMOS and COCO talking. Nighttime sound effects.  Crickets etc. LINDSEY is nowhere to be seen but her cage is center stage.

 

            AMOS

And then he says to me, ‘this is a take it or lose it proposition.’  Who does he think he is?  I had half a mind to punch his teeth in.

 

            COCO

Well it’s probably a good thing you didn’t.  Man like that you never know what he’s capable a doin’.

 

            AMOS

He don’t scare me. 

 

            COCO

Well he does me. 

 

            AMOS

Lindsey?!!

 

Out comes LINDSEY with bag of cookies unopened.  AMOS talks to her and at first we think he is being nice.

 

There’s my little girl.  Yes, there you are.  Bring it on over now, ya like a good girl.  Thank you.

 

      Suddenly very hostile in an attempt to scare her

 

Now get lost!

 

      LINDSEY jumps.  AMOS laughs rudely.

 

Hahahaha!  Stupid mutt.  Did you see her jump?  Hahahaha!

 

COCO is obviously feeling bad for LINDSEY but doesn’t want AMOS to see it.  She laughs weakly.

 

            COCO

Hahaha.

 

Quietly to LINDSEY.  COCO treats LINDSEY like another female in the trio.

 

I’m so sorry.

 

AMOS starts eating the cookies as he talks.

 

      AMOS

Hey Lindsey, what do you call a monkey in a minefield?  A Ba-Boom!!!!

 

      This scares her again

 

            COCO

I think you hurt her feelings.

 

            AMOS

How many times have I told you?  She don’t have feelings.  She’s a monkey!

 

      Turns back to LINDSEY

 

It’s always about you, isn’t it?  Nevermind who trained you.  Taught ya the steps.  Put the act together!

 

      The phone rings.  COCO answers it.

 

            COCO

Amos Moody Entertainment Incorporated.  Coco speaking.  Oh hi Mr. Wilkenshire.  Oh yeah, he’s right here.  Good to talk to you too Mr. Wilkenshire.

 

      Hands it to AMOS.  Whispering.

 

It’s for you.

 

He’s about to speak when she interrupts with another whisper.

 

It’s Mister Wilkenshire.

 

            AMOS

I gathered that.

 

      Goes to speak again, interrupted again

 

            COCO

He wants to talk to you about the oo oo ahh ahh.

 

            AMOS

I know.

 

            COCO

The monkey.

 

            AMOS

Got it.

 

      Answers phone

 

Hello?  Really, well that’s great news.  And the price? That’ll certainly do.  I can have her delivered in no less than a week.  We’ll leave first thing in the morning.  Nice doin’ business with you, Mr. Wilkenshire.

 

Ends the call.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are sneaking on behind.

 

Pardon the pun but life is about to get a whole lot less hairy for old Amos Moody.

 

            COCO

Poor Linsdey.

 

            AMOS

My days of playing second fiddle to a dancing monkey are coming to an end.  Cage!

 

LINDSEY runs into the cage.  AMOS locks her in.  She indicates that she wants some cookies.

     

Ohhh, the dingo is feelin’ hungry.  We’ll you’d better enjoy that feeling while it lasts cause once we get to Chicago you won’t be feelin’ much of anything.  You know why not?  Cause you’ll be de-

 

MAGNUS knocks something over.  BANDITO is hiding.  AMOS turns to MAGNUS who is shielding his face.

 

Who goes there?!

 

            MAGNUS   

No one.  Just me ... the town wanderer.  Wander wander wander.  I like your dog.

 

      He hurries off and ducks down conspicuously.

 

            COCO

This place give me the creeps.

 

            AMOS 

Just as well cause we’re leavin’ for Chicago first thing.

 

            COCO

Good. 

 

LINDSEY barely starts to make noise.  She’s hungry.

 

            AMOS

Quieeeet!  Ugh!  You’re so loud!  Why are you so loud?  You mutt.  Now go to sleep.

 

She whimpers as the lights dim and they both fall asleep.  Lights come up on BANDITO, MAGNUS and DARCY who have been watching from afar.  BANDITO hands her a spare gun.

 

            BANDITO

Okay, I’m going in. Keep your eyes open.  

 

            DARCY

What is this for?

 

            BANDITO

It is for just in case.

 

            DARCY

What are you going to do?

 

            BANDITO

I’m gonna kidnap that monkey. What did you think we were coming to do?

 

She holds up a roll of toilet paper that she brought in her bag.  BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other

 

            MAGNUS

Toilet paper?  You thought we were coming to TP the street performers? 

 

            DARCY

You said it was something illegal.

 

            BANDITO

Shhh.  Just stand here and shoot anything that moves that isn’t the monkey or me.

 

      A beat, still.

 

            MAGNUS

Or me.

 

            DARCY

I can’t be a part of this.

 

            BANDITO

Oh come on.  That guy is a jerk face.  We’re doing this monkey a favor.

 

            DARCY

I can’t.  I’m sorry.

 

She hands the gun back and leaves. BANDITO turns to MAGNUS.

 

            BANDITO

Can you believe that girl?

 

            MAGNUS 

Psh.  No.

 

            BANDITO

What a wimp.

 

            MAGNUS

Wimp city. 

 

Holds up his hand for BANDITO to hi-five.  He doesn’t.  BANDITO goes to talk, but MAGNUS continues.

 

She’s pretty much the mayor of Wimpyville.  If she got any wimpier we’d have to call the-

 

      Sees BANDITO counting

 

What are you doing?

 

            BANDITO

Sitting in traffic, listening to my alarm clock going off, colonoscopy … Oh are you done now?

 

            MAGNUS

That’s not funny.

 

      MAGNUS takes out his journal

 

            BANDITO

Cover me.  I’m going in.

 

PIANO narrates a sneaky tune as BANDITO walks into AMOS’s camp from his hiding place.  LINDSEY sees him and starts to make noise a little.  AMOS stirs.

 

            BANDITO

Shhhh!

 

PIANO stops for a moment.  She quiets down, watching him.  He goes over and steals the cookies from AMOS’s lap.  AMOS mutters something in his sleep.  PIANO continues as BANDITO walks over and gives the bag of cookies to LINDSEY.  She is super excited about it, makes noise.

 

Shhhh.

 

BANDITO pries the lock off and opens the door.  LINDSEY is afraid at first. 

 

It’s okay.  Come here.  Come on.  Come ooon.

 

LINDSEY takes his hand and steps out of the cage.  Once out, she looks around and then snuggles up to BANDITO for just a moment as if to say thanks.

 

That’s right, Lindsey.  You’re gonna be safe now. 

 

Suddenly she makes a noise like ‘goodbye’ and jets off.  BANDITO whisper-screams.

 

Wait!  Lindsey, stop.  Where are you going?!  Stop!  Monkey, stop!  Magnuuuuus!

 

Scene change features AMOS and COCO getting down to a funny beat but they’re still asleep.  Choreography.

 

 

SCENE:  MORNING AFTER THE KIDNAPPING

 

Main street.  BANDITO and MAGNUS end up running together middle of the stage, exhausted. 

 

            BANDITO

Anything?

 

            MAGNUS

No. 

 

            BANDITO

Ahhh!

 

            MAGNUS

That monkey is harder to track down than a Mormon with a mocha latte.  What are we going to do?

 

            BANDITO

I’ll tell you what are we going to do.  You are going to get out there and keep looking for Lindsey and I am going to lay down right here and take a nap.

 

            MAGNUS

A nap?

 

            BANDITO

Yes, a nap.  We have been up all night chasing a dancing monkey.  I need some rest.

 

            MAGNUS

What about me?

 

            BANDITO

Magnus, you are like 5 foot nothing.  You don’t need a nap.

 

            MAGNUS

What? 

 

            BANDITO

It is a scientific fact that children don’t need to sleep as much as adults. 

 

            MAGNUS

Okay couple things about that.  Number one: No. False.  And two: I’m an adult.

 

            BANDITO

Magnus, twelve years old is hardly an adult. 

 

            MAGNUS

I’m twenty-six.

 

            BANDITO

      To aud

Kids these days … always wanting to grow up so fast.

 

            MAGNUS

But- 

 

      Pulls gun.

 

            BANDITO

Go!  Find my Lindsey!

 

MAGNUS is writing furiously in his notebook as he walks off. BANDITO lays down prepping for a nap.  He’s scrolling on his phone. 

 

Oh Instagram.  I love you.  I don’t tell you that enough. 

 

To aud as LINDSEY walks on in the background eating a pickle sickle.

 

You know what I was thinking about the other day?  What did people look at before they had Instagram to look at.  You know, like back in the olden days with the cavemans and stuffs.  What did the cavemans look at on their phones when they were waiting in a doctors office?  Or during commercials?  Or when they had to see a man about a horse?  It’s okay, everybody does it.  What did the cavemen do when they were sitting in the passenger seat of a car?  Stare out the window? 

 

LINDSEY is closer than ever, looking over BANDITO’s shoulder at his phone.

 

Did they have an actual conversation with the other caveperson who was driving the car?  So primitive.

 

    Takes a selfie photobombed by LINDSEY

 

Hashtag blessed, am I right?

 

Suddenly PEITRA enters with a butcher knife raise.   LINDSEY shrieks. 

 

            PEITRA     

Come back here!  Evil monkey!  Bad monkey!

 

      LINDSEY hides behind BANDITO

 

            BANDITO

Lindsey!  Where have you been?!

 

            PEITRA

Bad monkey!  Bad, bad monkey!

 

            BANDITO

Pietra, why are you yelling at my Lindsey?

 

            PEITRA

Monkey steal Pickle Sickle.

 

      Grabs LINDSEY by the wrist and pulls her to him

 

            BANDITO

She was just hungry.

 

            PEITRA

In my country, thief no pay with money, thief play with blood!

 

      Puts knife up in preparation to cut off her hand.

 

            BANDITO

Peitra wait!  Look what’s that?

 

Points at his shirt.  PEITRA looks down, BANDITO flicks his face distracting him enough to grab the knife from him.  BANDITO pulls his gun.

 

Let her go.

 

            PEITRA

The monkey is thief!

 

            BANDITO

How much is a Pickle Sickle?

 

            PEITRA

Two dollar.

 

      BANDITO digs for some money.

 

            BANDITO

Here. 

 

            PEITRA

      Eyeing the money

… plus tax.

 

      Throws a twenty at him

 

            BANDITO

That’s a twenty.  Now let her go.

 

He lets her go and then counts the money.  Turns to her.

 

            PEITRA  

Thank you for business.

 

Blackout.  Music transition with LINDSEY dancing into mancave.

 

SCENE:

 

Lights come up on BANDITO and LINDSEY in his mancave. MAGNUS is there but he is way in the back corner holding a GoPro on a stick.  He is still scared to death of LINDSEY.  BANDITO has a remote in his hand and LINDSEY is sitting/crouching in his chair.

 

            BANDITO

Alright Lindsey, hip hop training session number one.  I just want to try this okay?

 

      LINDSEY reacts

 

No pressure.  We’re just hangin’ out, chooting the breeze, whatever … just do what is natural.

 

LINDSEY reacts again.  BANDITO pushes a button on the remote and on comes a hip hop beat.  LINDSEY is startled at first, unsure of where it’s coming from, but ends up liking it and starting to break down. BANDITO joins in the fun.

 

You like it?  Yes?  Magnus are you getting this?  After I win my first Grammy, this footage is gonna be worth millions.

 

Suddenly there’s a loud knock on the door.  BANDITO shuts off the music.

 

Shhh!

 

      She knocks again

 

            DARCY

Hello?  Anybody home?!

 

      A beat

 

            BANDITO

No.

 

      To MAGNUS

 

Quick.  Hide the monkey!

 

MAGNUS throws a sheet/blanket over LINDSEY’s head.  BANDITO opens the door.  It’s DARCY

 

Can I h-  Oh, it’s just you.

 

            DARCY

Can I come in?

 

      Walks past him

 

            BANDITO

No.  No you cannot. It is late and I am going to bed.

 

            DARCY

      Excitedly curious

Where is she?

 

            BANDITO

Who?

 

            DARCY

      Trying to read his face

Is she here? 

 

BANDITO steps between her and where LINDSEY is hiding.  They both step in front of LINDSEY.

 

            BANDITO

I don’t know what you are talking about.  Magnus, do you know what this woman is talking about?

 

            MAGNUS

Haven’t the foggiest.

 

A big huge loud monkey noise from LINDSEY.  Her body doesn’t move as she is still covered with the blanket like a lamp.  BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other

 

            BANDITO

Bless you.

 

      They move closer together to close the gap

 

            DARCY

I just want to meet her.  Pleeease?

 

            BANDITO

Okay fine.

 

Indicates for MAGNUS to remove the blanket.  He tries a couple times but can’t pull it off cause he’s so afraid of her.  Finally gets it on the 3rd try.

 

Darcy Brown, this is Lindsey the dancing monkey. 

 

DARCY puts out her hand and LINDSEY comes and takes it, examining her.

 

Lindsey, this is Darcy Brown the little sissy girl who bails on her friends when she gets a little bit scared.

 

      LINDSEY is moving around, examining DARCY.

 

            DARCY

I didn’t bail.  I changed my mind.

 

            BANDITO

You wimped out.  You are a super sized wimp deluxe with a side order of wussy cakes.

 

      PIANO accent hit

 

            MAGNUS

      Sees his chance.  Hands her the gopro.

Since you’re here to assist with this I think I’m going to retire.  Fine evening to you both.

 

            DARCY

I didn’t mean to chase you away.

 

            MAGNUS

Not at all.  It’s- I just-

 

            BANDITO

Magnus is afraid of Lindsey.

 

            MAGNUS

Psssh. That’s ridiculousness.  She’s a harmless monkey.

 

            BANDITO

Lindsey, give Magnus a hug.

 

LINDSEY starts to go over there and MAGNUS freaks out like a girl.  LINDSEY isn’t even all that close to him.

 

            MAGNUS

Back!  Back I say!  Bad monkey!  Down boy!

 

LINDSEY stops and MAGNUS makes it to the door then turns back all cool as if to try to reconcile the scene he just created.

 

We will check you guys later, then. 

 

LINDSEY makes another friendly move toward him and he freaks out and runs away.  LINDSEY does something animalistic and DARCY shakes her head at the situation as she watches LINDSEY. 


            DARCY

      Sitting

I can’t believe you kidnapped the monkey.

 

            BANDITO

The monkey has a name.

 

            DARCY

Sorry. 

 

            BANDITO

Don’t say sorry to me.

 

            DARCY

      Turns to LINDSEY

I’m sorry, Lindsey.

 

      LINDSEY makes a cute face and noise

 

            BANDITO

She likes you.

 

            DARCY

She’s an amazing animal.

 

            BANDITO

And smart.  She’s so smart.

 

Turns quickly to LINDSEY who is chewing on something. PIANO out.

 

Lindsey don’t eat the furniture please.  Thank you.

 

PIANO blink blink blink continues.

 

It’s true what they say you know.

 

            DARCY

What’s that?

 

            BANDITO

      Holding up fingers to indicate the things

Having a pet is way more harder than having a baby. 

 

LINDSEY strums the guitar.

 

Lindsey, no.  Please don’t touch. 

 

She strums again and makes an excited noise. BANDITO gets up to save the guitar.

 

No that’s mine.  Please don’t touch.  No touchy.  Here you want me to show you?  Here.  Listen.

 

      He plays a chord.  LINDSEY reacts happy.

 

            DARCY

I think she likes it.

 

      Plays another.  She reacts again.

 

            BANDITO

Alright Lindsey.  It’s time for bed now.  You go to sleep, I play, okay?  Lay down.

 

She puts her head down, he plays a chord.  She jumps up excited and he stops.

 

Lay down.  Shhh.

 

She lays down again, he plays.  She jumps up, he stops.

 

No-  Lay down.  Sleep.

 

      She gets it.  Lays down

 

Now just shhhh.  Close your eyes.  This is a song that my grandmother used to sing unto me when I was a little Bandito.  I remember she would sit there in her chair rocking back and forth … stroking her mustache … and she would sing.

 

SONG:  MONKEY LULLABY

 

It’s time to just dreEeam

Kick back and just dreeeeeeam

By the time you wake

Things won’t be as bad as they seem

Just dream

 

Applause as lights fade.  Track plays hip hop version of the previous song.  We see MAGNUS walking down the street.  COCO jumps out with a gun and a skimask and in her best man voice says

 

      COCO

Don’t move!

 

            MAGNUS

What’s the meaning of this?

 

AMOS sneaks in behind MAGNUS with a gunny sack and throws it over his head.  MAGNUS struggles as the track plays loud and dim to a blackout.

 

INTERMISSION

 

 

 

SCENE:  AMOS and MAGNUS JOIN FORCES

 

Short overture.  Lights go up as they take the bag off of MAGNUS’s head.  He squints at the light.

 

            MAGNUS

Good heavens.  What is happening?  Unhand me.  Unhand me you fiend!

 

            AMOS

Say cheese.

 

MAGNUS stops abruptly to strike a hilarious pose as AMOS takes a pic with a phone.

 

            MAGNUS

I say.  This is highly irregular.

 

            AMOS

      AMOS reads as he types

Bring back my monkey or your friend gets it. 

 

      Shows it to COCO

 

What do you think?

 

            COCO

Maybe you should be a little more specifical.

 

            AMOS

It’s fine.  Send.

 

      A send sound effect

 

            MAGNUS

What are you doing?  I demand an explanation.

 

            AMOS

What’s it look like we’re doing?  We’re holdin’ you for ransom. 

 

            COCO

Ya.  So shut it!

 

Ding.  He reads the text.  Reacts, then reads it out loud. 

 

      AMOS

Who is this?

 

            COCO

Ya shoulda been more specifical.

 

            AMOS

Here.

 

            MAGNUS

Really sir, unhand me.  I –

 

Goes in and takes a selfie with MAGNUS.  MAGNUS poses again suddenly, hilariously, more ridiculous than the first time.

 

            AMOS

      Typing

The monkey, or he dies.

 

      Send. 

 

            MAGNUS

Wait, who dies?

 

            COCO

You die.

 

            MAGNUS

Dang it!

 

            AMOS

      Ding.  He reads.

Who is this?

 

      Writes back.

 

Whooo do you think?

 

      Send.  Ding.

 

Mom?

 

      Writes and types.

 

This is Amos Moody.

 

      Send. Ding.

 

Oh snap Amos thinkin’ he a hamster?

 

      Looks around, confused. Ding

 

Gangster. 

 

      Ding

 

Not hamster.

 

      Ding

 

Auto-correct lol.

 

A pause as he tries to decide what to do next.  Goes to type more and is startles when the phone rings.  AMOS looks confused but answers. Lights come up on side stage where BANDITO talks to AMOS on the phone.

 

Hello?

 

            BANDITO

Sorry it was getting kind of confusing so I thought it would be easier to call. 

 

            AMOS

Oh.

 

            BANDITO

It’s hard to read a person’s tone when you are texting.  Are you saying “The monkey or he dies,” like dead as in not alive or are you like, “he dies,” funny haha kind of dead like in a funny way?

 

            AMOS

I mean he dies like dead, dead.

 

            BANDITO

Hmmm.  Put Magnus on the phone, would you?

 

            AMOS

Right now?

 

            BANDITO

Ya.  Put him on.

 

            AMOS

He wants to talk to you.

 

            MAGNUS

Hello?

 

            BANDITO

Magnus?

 

            MAGNUS

Thank goodness.  I need your help.  You have to bring the monkey back.  They’re going to kill me!  I-

 

            BANDITO

      Making crackling noises

Oh sorry Magnus.  You’re breaking up.  What?

 

            MAGNUS

      MAGNUS continues to try to talk

These people have threatened to kill me if you don’t-

 

            BANDITO

      More noises

Sorry, I can’t hear you.  You’re breaking up.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow okay?

 

            MAGNUS

Wait no!  Don’t hang up!

 

            BANDITO

Okay bye!

 

BANDITO’s lights go dim.  A pause.  MAGNUS looks up at AMOS.

 

            MAGNUS

He hung up.

 

AMOS pushes redial.  Phone dial sounds and one ring.  BANDITO’s lights come back.  He now has an xbox controller in his hands, playing an imaginary game.

 

            BANDITO

Hello?

 

            AMOS

I think we got cut off.

 

            BANDITO

Oh, it’s you again.

 

      Pause

 

            AMOS

So what’s it going to be?

 

            BANDITO

You’re talking about the Magnus and the monkey thing?

 

            AMOS

Ya.

 

            BANDITO

      Pause.  Pushes pause.

Tell me this.  Would I have to come over like right now?

 

            AMOS

Yes.

 

            BANDITO

Ohhh.  Hmm.  That’s gonna be uh … that might be difficult.

 

            AMOS

Why?

 

            BANDITO

Well I don’t have any direct scheduling conflicts but …  Could we maybe do it another day?

 

            AMOS

No.  Right now.  Bring back the monkey right now or your friend dies.  Do you understand what I am saying right now?

 

            BANDITO

Yaaaa … I understand it’s just that … Uhhhh.  Can I call you back maybe after I think about it for a second?

 

            AMOS

What?  No.

 

            BANDITO

I’ll call you back.

 

            AMOS

No.

 

            BANDITO

Okay.

 

            AMOS

Wait!  When are you gonna call me back?

 

            BANDITO

      Thinks

Hadn’t thought about it.

 

            AMOS

I just need a time frame so that I can know when I should kill him … or not.

 

            BANDITO

You know what this getting too complicated.  Just … ya go ahead.

 

            AMOS

Go ahead?

 

            BANDITO

Ya … kill him. Go ahead and kill him.

 

            AMOS

Are you sure?

 

            BANDITO

Final answer, do it.  Kill Magnus.

 

            AMOS

I will do it.

 

            BANDITO

I understand.

 

            AMOS

I’m going to kill your friend.

 

            BANDITO

You win some you lose some.

 

            AMOS

He will be dead.

 

            BANDITO

You already said that. 

 

      Pause

 

Hey, thanks for the call though.

 

            AMOS

Okay.

 

            BANDITO

K bye.

 

BANDITO’s lights dim.  AMOS hangs up the phone in shock a bit.  Walks over and sits next to MAGNUS, unties his hands.

 

            MAGNUS

He told you to kill me didn’t he?

 

            AMOS

Ya.  Ya he did.

 

            MAGNUS

Well that just bites a big one doesn’t it?

 

            AMOS

Yep.

 

      Pause

 

            MAGNUS

May I offer a suggestion?

 

            AMOS

What?

 

            MAGNUS

Since it seems that killing me has been ruled out at this point as a viable solution to your missing monkey problem, why don’t we just kill him?

 

            AMOS

Bandito?

 

            MAGNUS

Precisely.

 

            AMOS

I hadn’t thought of that.

 

            MAGNUS

Really?  Cause I have.  Kind of a lot. 

 

            AMOS

Do you have any ideas on how we could pull it off?

 

            MAGNUS

I have a few –

 

      Plops down his notebook, turns evil.

 

-thousand.

 

      AMOS and COCO look at each other

 

            COCO

He’s a crazy person.

 

            MAGNUS

You have no idea.  Juanito Bandito death scenario number one:

 

SONG: HOW TO KILL JUANITO BANDITO

 

SEND HIM IN A PINATA COSTUME TO A QUINSENERA

REMOVE HIS HEAD – GUILLOTINE

DRAWN AND QUARTERED

INFECT HIM WITH THE PLAGUE

SNEAK INTO HIS ROOM NIGHTLY AND RUB SPF 150 ALL OVER HIS BODY, WAIT FOR A WHILE AND HE WILL DIE OF A VITAMIN D DEFICIENCEY

SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD WITH MULTIPLE ROUNDS OF CRYPTANITE BULLETS.  IDIOT!  THAT’S SUPERMANS’ WEAKNESS.  YOU’RE RIGHT.  THAT WOULD NEVER WORK.

TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND THEN – WAIT, IS THIS THE VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY THING?  NO.  TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND HOW DO VAMPIRES DIE?  STAB HIM IN THE HEART WITH A STAKE.  THAT’S ALSO HOW HUMANS DIE.

COCO KEEPS SAYING, COULDN’T WE JUST SHOOT HIM WHEN HE’S NOT LOOKING?

 

      This is before the final chorus:

 

            MAGNUS

Just one quick question about the monkey.  What does he plan to do with her?

 

            AMOS

Who?

 

            MAGNUS

Mr. Wilkenshire.  The collector in Chicago?

 

            AMOS 

He’s going to put her in his museum.

 

            MAGNUS

      Concerned

Do you mean, hopefully, a happy museum where animals have plenty of space to walk about?

 

            AMOS

No.  I mean a museum, museum.  Where animals are killed, stuffed and displayed.

 

            MAGNUS

He’s going to kill Lindsey?

 

            COCO  

For educational purposes.  He’s doing it for the kids really.

 

            AMOS

Is that a problem?

 

            MAGNUS

Well I guess when you put it that way.

 

      DARCY walks in and overhears

 

            AMOS

Don’t think about killing the monkey.  First let’s focus on killing the Bandito.

 

            MAGNUS

You had me at kill the Bandito.

 

            COCO

Come on fellas, we’ve got us a cake to bake!

     

They end up deciding to do it the usual way.  MAGNUS will throw him a retirement party and poison his cake.  Scene change.

 

 

SCENE: DON’T EAT THE CAKE

 

People are socializing with drinks as MAGNUS and AMOS huddle together downstage with a plate that has a piece of cake on it

 

            AMOS

Is everything in place?

 

            MAGNUS

Good to go.  All we’ve got to do is get the Bandito to take one bite of this piece of cake and he will be on his way to reap his eternal reward.

 

            AMOS   

      Indicating the other pieces on the table

But all of the pieces look the same.  How will we know which one’s been poisoned?

 

MAGNUS takes out a little flag on a toothpick and puts it in the cake.

 

            COCO

You’re a genius!

 

            MAGNUS

Yes.  Yes I am.

 

      PEITRA swoops in

 

            PEITRA

Hey pretty lady.  Is it hot in here, or is it just you? 

 

      Laughs

 

I saw that on internet. 

 

            COCO

Ughck!

 

            PEITRA

But seriously, how about a date?  Saturday maybe?

 

            COCO

Sorry I can’t.  I’m having a headache this weekend.

 

Walks away.  DARCY enters and locates BANDITO.

 

            DARCY

Where have you been?  I’ve been looking all over town.

 

            BANDITO

Hey Darcy! Welcome to my retirement party!

 

DARCY

You’re retirement party?

 

            BANDITO

Magnus decided to put it together out of the blue.  Isn’t that great?

 

            DARCY

      Looking towards the three killers

I need to talk to you.  I heard something.

 

      MAGNUS swoops in to distract BANDITO

 

            MAGNUS

What do you say, old boy?  Pretty spectacular retirement party, am I right?  Here, why don’t you try some of this delicious cake?

 

      BANDITO reaches for it but DARCY stops him

 

            DARCY

He can’t.

 

            MAGNUS

Why not.

 

            DARCY

Because … he’s gluten intolerant.

 

            MAGNUS

You are?

 

            BANDITO

No.  That is a lie.  I’ll have you no that I am the most tolerant person I know.  Black, white, gluten … whatever.  I have nothing against the glutens.

 

            MAGNUS

No, that’s not-

 

            BANDITO

In fact some of my very best friends are glutens so for you to say that I am somehow intolerant against the glutens … those are lies. 

 

      MAGNUS hands him the piece

 

            MAGNUS

So you can eat cake?

 

            BANDITO

Of course I can eat cake … when I’m at a four-year-old’s birthday party … or a wedding … or a linger longer. Magnus, this is a high-class celebration of my lifetime of bad guy awesomeness. Come on.  Cake?

 

            MAGNUS

      Thinking fast

But this is no ordinary cake.  It’s special.

 

            BANDITO

Special?

 

            MAGNUS

Yes.  I’ll explain.

 

      Getting everyone’s attention

 

Excuse me.  Excuse me, everyone.  Thank you.  As you all know, I’ve known the guest of honor for several years now and I’ve never met anyone quite as … as him.  He’s so … tall.   And that’s probably the nicest thing anyone could ever say about him. 

 

            BANDITO

Oh Magnus stop.  You’re gonna making me cry.

 

            MAGNUS

And so it is with my entire heart that I present you with this.

 

            BANDITO

Cake.

 

            MAGNUS

Not just any cake.  No no no.  This is traditional British retirement cake. It’s special.

 

            BANDITO

Really? 

 

            MAGNUS

Really.

 

            BANDITO

This cake is special?  You’re not making that up?

 

            MAGNUS

Wh-  haha – why would I make something like that up?  I would – what would be the reason?

 

            BANDITO

It does look delicious.

 

            MAGNUS

It is.  Enjoy.

 

            BANDITO

To my hip hop career.

 

They all mumble a response as he lifts the fork to his mouth.  MAGNUS is very close watching it.  DARCY senses that something is fishy so she interrupts.

 

            DARCY

Wait! 

 

            BANDITO

What?

 

            DARCY

Aren’t we forgetting something?

 

            BANDITO

I don’t think so.

 

            DARCY

What’s a British retirement ceremony without the traditional British retirement hymn.

 

            MAGNUS

Hymn?

 

            DARCY

Yes.  Everybody knows that you can’t eat your British retirement cake before you hear the British retirement hymn.  It’s very bad luck!

 

            BANDITO

What?  Magnus, is this true?

 

            MAGNUS

Ummm.

 

            BANDITO

I can’t believe you were going to let me eat this cake without first singing the hymn.  It’s like you wanted something bad to happen to me.

 

            MAGNUS

Noooo.  It just slipped my mind, that’s all.


            BANDITO

So?

 

            MAGNUS

So … ?

 

            BANDITO

So are you going to sing me this song so that I can eat my cake?

 

            MAGNUS

Oh yeah of course I am.  Let’s see I –

 

      Clears throat

 

Just a quick warning: Some people who hear this song don’t think it sounds like a real song … but it is.

 

      Clears throat, chickens out

 

You know I think I’ve forgotten the words.

 

            BANDITO

Does anyone else know the words?

 

            MAGNUS

Amos! Coco! You know the words.

 

            COCO

We do?

 

            MAGNUS

Yes.  Yes you do.

 

      He pulls them up in front of everyone

 

            BANDITO

I’m kind of excited to hear this.

 

            DARCY

So am I.

 

            MAGNUS

We dedicate this song to the guest of honor.  Can I get a note?

 

      PIANO plays a note and MAGNUS hums it

 

Is that- what note is that?  Is that an H?

 

They proceed to sing the English retirement hymn which is MAGNUS making up the song each night and AMOS and COCO following along as closely as they can with not only the words and notes but also the actions.  Hilarious. At the end of the song BANDITO is left as the only one clapping long after the audience stops clapping.

 

            BANDITO

Thank you.  Thank you guys sooo so much.  Not for singing but for stopping.  If you never sing another note in your entire lives … the world will be a happier place.  Wow. 

 

            MAGNUS

      Handing out pieces

Alriiight, I do believe it’s cake time is it not?  Everybody grab a slice.

 

Hands the flag one to BANDITO.  Everyone gets one.

 

Guest of honor first.  It’s British tradition.

 

      Goes to eat again but is stopped

 

            PEITRA

Wait!  I’m sorry to be “that guy,” but does it not seem that her slice is bigger than my slice?

 

      They look

 

            MAGNUS

Let’s … let’s not compare one another’s slices, okay?

 

            COCO

No, he’s right.  Hers is bigger.

 

            AMOS

Coco!

 

            PEITRA 

Who cut this cake?

 

            MAGNUS

I did.

 

            PEITRA

Were you drunk? 

 

            MAGNUS

No. 

 

            PEITRA

I demand bigger slice. 

 

            AMOS

You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

 

            PEITRA

But in my country we -

 

            MAGNUS

No one cares about your country!  This is America!

 

            PEITRA

-says the British smurf.

 

            MAGNUS

You know what Pietra- ?

 

      BANDITO steps in

 

            BANDITO

Please, you guys!  No fighting. Don’t ruin this for me.

 

            PEITRA

She has bigger slice!

 

            BANDITO

I know how we can settle this.  What do you say we play a game?

 

            MAGNUS

No.  Please don’t tell me you’re thinking what I’m thinking you’re thinking.

 

            BANDITO

Two words: Happy Sultan.

 

            PEITRA

      Agreeing, excited.

Happy Sultan.

 

            BANDITO

Happy Sultan?

 

            COCO

Happy Sultan.

 

            MAGNUS

This is bad.  This is so, so bad.

 

            AMOS

Am I supposed to know what this means?

 

            DARCY

The Happy Sultan.  Only the greatest dessert distribution game ever invented.

 

            AMOS

I’ve never heard of it.

 

            PEITRA

Do you live under a rock?

 

            MAGNUS

It’s so messy.  Can’t we just do rock paper scissors or something?

 

            BANDITO

No.  This is my party and I say we are going to play “Happy Sultan.”  Who’s with me, say I.

 

            ALL but MAGNUS and AMOS

I!

 

            BANDITO

Awesome.  I’ll be the gamemaker.  We duel to see who gets last pick.  One two three four five!

 

They all strike a ridiculous pose and hold still except for AMOS who just looks around.

 

Amos!

 

Everyone reacts “Amos” or “Amos it is” and starts spreading out on the stage.

 

            AMOS

I don’t know how to play.

 

            PEITRA

You know how to play baseball?

 

            AMOS

Yes.

 

            PEITRA

Okay … this is nothing like baseball. 

 

            BANDITO

      AMOS turns to BANDITO for an explanation

Pro tip: Take everything you know about every other organized game you’ve ever played and block it completely from your mind for the next ten minutes.

 

            AMOS

Can I at least get some sort of instructions?

 

            MAGNUS

There are essentially three things you have to remember to win The Happy Sultan.  Number one: Never flip a bluebird when the catcher is in the rye.

 

            BANDITO

      Laughs knowingly

Ya, you don’t want to do that.

 

            COCO

Classic mistake. 

 

            MAGNUS

Number two: Never look left on a triple play.  Understand? 

 

            AMOS

Um …

 

            MAGNUS

Of course you do.  That one’s self-explanatory.  Number three:  And this is a big one.  If you have a full house, do not pass go.

 

            AMOS

Pass go?

 

            DARCY

Unless you have a brown belt.

 

            MAGNUS

Right.  Obviously.  Unless you have your brown belt.  That goes without saying.  

 

            AMOS

Am I supposed to know what this means?

 

            DARCY

You will. 

 

            COCO

It’s pretty simple once you get the hang of it. 

 

            BANDITO

Everyone to your starting perches!

 

Musical intro as everyone gets into place leaving AMOS alone right in the center.  Music sustains.

 

            AMOS

What is happening right now?

 

            MAGNUS

Listen, there’s no time.  One of us has got to win this game.

 

            AMOS

What about the cake?  What about the poison?  I don’t even know how to play.

 

            MAGNUS

The Happy Sultan makes the rules.  Win the game and you’re the Happy Sultan.  Capiche?

     

            AMOS

No.  Not capiche!

 

            MAGNUS

      As he runs to his starting spot     

We must win the game, Amos.  We have to win this game!

 

Anytime they sing during this scene, it’s straight out to the audience with some simple, silly movement type choreography.

 

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

 

Solo: LOOK OUT FOR WHITE ELEPHANTS

Solo: WEREWOLVES Solo: AND THE MAFIA

All: AND THEN YOU WILL BE CROWNED ON THE THRONE

 

Music vamps as the game begins.  Everyone is spread out far apart on the stage.

 

            BANDITO

Question one.  What is three times five times seven –

 

DARCY tries to raise her hand to answer.  BANDITO waves her off.

 

Eh eh eh!  - minus the price of a ticket on the Pennsylvania railroad?

 

            COCO

      Counting on her fingers quickly, blurts it out

Seventeen!

 

            BANDITO

That is correct! 

 

            COCO

Yes!

 

Everyone golf claps

 

            BANDITO

You may transfer into the subsequent domain or cast a spell.  Which will it be?

 

            COCO

Spell please.

 

            BANDITO

Ohhh.  She goes for the spell. 

 

Everyone barks like a dog and slaps their knees. BANDITO holds out some playing cards for her. She chooses one, hands it to BANDITO.

 

Uh oh!  Queen of diamonds.  You all know what that means!!!

 

            ALL

The Rainforest Dungeon!!!

 

Suddenly everyone starts moving around the stage as either an animal or some sort of motorized machine.  Making noises and ridiculousness.

 

            BANDITO

You forget how much you love this game!

 

            DARCY

I know.

 

            AMOS

      To MAGNUS

What is going on right now?!

 

            MAGNUS

      Still doing his animal

We’re fine.  This is actually going quite well.  We’ve both got a really good chance of winning as long as no one calls a hog trough.

 

            AMOS

A what?

 

            MAGNUS

      Looks around and whispers

A hog trough.

 

            AMOS

      Louder

A hog trough?!

 

            BANDITO

Did somebody call hog trough!?

 

            MAGNUS

You idiot!

 

            ALL

      In unison

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

 

They run over and pick up a random piece of cake each.  As soon as they get their cake they become chickens.  Everyone holding the cake in their right hands.  No noise, just actions. 

 

            AMOS

Grabbing a piece since that’s what everyone’s doing

What is happening?

 

            MAGNUS

Just stay quiet and don’t-

 

Panic whisper to him, moving his cake to the other hand

 

Right hand!  Your right hand!!!  What are you trying to do, get sent to the penalty box?  Get your head in the game!

 

MAGNUS has the poison cake, which still has the flag in it.  Music continues

 

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

 

Solo: WHERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN

Solo: IS KILL THE DRAGON AND HIS KIN

Solo: AND THEN YOU WILL BE CROWNED ON THE THRONE

 

Suddenly we are in the middle of the round.  It’s as if we’ve moved forward in time.  Actors have lost shoes, removed some coats, one is holding a chair or something even more ridiculous.  BANDITO is the game’s MC obviously.  Some actors might have two pieces of cake.

 

            BANDITO

Pietra, for a chance to move on to the seventh realm of kings, answer me this.  Printing ink on purple daisies. 

 

            PEITRA

What is Leonardo DiCaprio in a yellow submarine?

 

            BANDITO

That is correct.

 

            PEITRA

Yes!

 

            COCO

Bamboozled!

 

            PEITRA

No!

 

COCO is proud of herself as she takes his cake.

 

            BANDITO

Well played Coco!  Everyone ready aaaand go!

 

Everyone starts to say something over and over like they’re trying to repeat it as many times as possible within a certain amount of time.  BANDITO is checking his watch.

 

Time!

 

They look around and see that COCO is holding up the number seven.  Everyone else has lower numbers. 

 

Coco!

 

            COCO

Yessss!

 

      Grabs AMOS’s cake.

 

I love this game!!!

 

      Music continues

 

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

 

WHERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN

Solo: IS KILL THE DRAGON AND HIS KIN

Solo: AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE DOMAIN OF DARKNESS,

OBTAIN THE SIXTEEN SIDEMAPS OF WIZARDRY,

FOLLOW THE PATH TO THE REALM OF FREEDOM AND

CONVERSE WITH THE TOAD-EATING PRINCE

ALL: AND THEN YOU WILL BE CROWNED ON THE THRONE

 

The game has progressed to an even crazier point.  People are in strange positions.  Key change.  Vamping.

 

      BANDITO

Magnus, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 

MAGNUS looks distraught.  Puts up a timeout sign as he yells:

 

            MAGNUS

Point break!

 

This is like a time out.  Piano stops abruptly (ugly pound).  Everyone stands straight up and starts to sing “Did you ever know that you’re my hero etc” under their breath while closing their eyes, all together.

 

Permission to submit a conundrum.

 

            BANDITO

Permission granted. 

 

      Starts to walk towards BANDITO

 

Eh!  Stick to the code.

 

Remembers.  He does some ridiculous ritual before approaching.  Quietly so that no one else can hear.

 

            MAGNUS

How many lives is one allowed while warring against the settlers of Catan?

 

            BANDITO

I’m afraid that is a question that I cannot answer at this time.

 

            MAGNUS

I understand.

 

            BANDITO

-but I can tell you that the amount of lives you have depends almost entirely upon the number of unicorns in your pasture.  That’s all I can say.

 

            MAGNUS

You’ve said plenty.  Point break!

 

      They come back to normal as before

 

Fourteen.  Final answer.

 

            BANDITO

That is correct!

 

            MAGNUS

Yeeees!

 

      Everyone reacts.  Music continues

 

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

 

WHERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN

Solo: IS KILL THE DRAGON AND HIS KIN

Solo: AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE DOMAIN OF DARKNESS,

OBTAIN THE SIXTEEN SIDEMAPS OF WIZARDRY,

FOLLOW THE PATH TO THE REALM OF FREEDOM

AND CONVERSE WITH THE TOAD-EATING PRINCE

Solo: AND KISS THE THIRTEEN PRINCESSES

RECITE THE OATH OF HIPOCROSY,

BALANCE A PLATE ON YOUR HEAD WHILE

HOLDING YOUR BREATH FOR 98 SECONDS

ALL: AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE CONQUERED THE THRONE

 

      Key change.  Vamping.

 

            BANDITO

This will be the final question of the game.  For the win.  Darcy Brown.  Recite for me, in alphabetical order, the middle names of every one of the speckled frogs that sat upon the speckled log.

 

            DARCY

Let’s see.  Oh, I know this one.

 

            BANDITO

Ten seconds. 

 

            DARCY

Abel, Chadwick, Griffindor, Grimaldi, Gustov and Guttle … Leonard-

 

            MAGNUS

Uno!  She didn’t say uno.

 

            DARCY

No!  That’s not fair. 

 

            MAGNUS

I waited.

 

            DARCY

You didn’t even give me a chance to put my hands up. 

 

            MAGNUS

I waited the allotted amount of time. 

 

            BANDITO

He did.

 

            DARCY

That’s a stupid rule.  When we play H.S. at home we don’t even use that rule cause it’s a stupid rule.

 

            MAGNUS

Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

 

            DARCY

That’s a dumb rule.

 

            MAGNUS

You’re a sore loser.

 

      She sticks out her tongue or something

 

            BANDITO

Alright Magnus, for the steal and the Sultanship.  Complete the previous answer using only body movements and facial expressions. 

 

            AMOS
Sitting in the corner with a dunce hat that says “the dumbest of the dumb”

I hate this game so much.

           

            BANDITO

Aaand go.

 

MAGNUS does a short movement.  COCO and DARCY can say whatever they want.  It’s correct no matter what they say.

 

            COCO

Bunny on a hot tin roof.

 

            BANDITO

Correct. Number two?

 

      MAGNUS acts out another one

 

            DARCY

James bond at a bar mitzvah.

 

            BANDITO

Correct.  Number three?

 

      Another move

 

            PEITRA

Tom Brady for the touchdown!

 

      MAGNUS motions like “what?, are you blind?”

 

            BANDITO

Oh!  So close!

 

            AMOS

Are you stupid?  That was Homer Simpson wins the Heisman.

 

            BANDITO

That is correct.

 

            AMOS

      Realizes he’s learned the game

I get it!

 

            MAGNUS

      Lifting AMOS up in celebration

Yeeeeees!  Yeheheeeeees!  Winnnnner!

 

            BANDITO

Congratulations Magnus Ankleburt!  You have been measured and found worthy to wear the Sultan’s crown!

 

Music wraps up.  Everyone claps for him.  Indicating the cakes.

 

As you know, it is the Sultan’s responsibility to distribute the cake to his kingdom.

 

            MAGNUS

Don’t mind if I do.

 

Happily grabbing them from people and redistributing them

 

One for you and one for you and one for you and one for you and me and-

 

      Realizes there’s no flag on the cake anymore. 

     

Wait, where’s the flag?  Where’s the cake with the flag?

 

            BANDITO

The flag?

 

            PEITRA  

      Pulling it from his hat

Do you mean this?

 

            MAGNUS

You took the flag out of the cake?

 

            PEITRA  

It matches my blouse. 

 

            BANDITO

      They are starting to sit at the table

Can we eat now?

 

            MAGNUS

Just hang on for just oooone second here while I-  Just one quick second. 

 

Goes in front of the table sniffing all of the cakes. 

 

            BANDITO

Magnus, why are you sniffing my cakes?

 

Has two finalists.  Gives BANDITO one, then changes his mind and gives him the other one.

 

            MAGNUS

      Finally satisfied with his choice

Okay.  Let’s eat.

 

      He’s walking around to sit down next to AMOS

 

            AMOS

Are you sure?

 

            MAGNUS

I have the nose of a bloodhound.

 

PIANO rumbles.  BANDITO holds up his plate like a toast

 

            BANDITO

A toast to The Happy Sultan.  A game that is not only super fun and easy to learn, but it teaches us so much about ourselves. 

 

            ALL

Here here! etc

 

They all take a bite simultaneously.  PIANO stops.  AMOS, COCO and MAGNUS are staring at BANDITO. BANDITO clutches his chest.

 

            BANDITO

Oh.  Oh my.

 

            DARCY

      Concerned

What is it?

 

            BANDITO

Nevermind, I think it was just gas.  This is some really good c-

 

On the word cake MAGNUS hits the table, face down into his cake.  Dead.  No one moves.  No piano. 

 

Magnus.  Magnus, are you okay buddy? 

 

Lifting up his head by the hair to reveal his wide open eyes and hilarious unmoving face covered with cake.

 

Magnus?

     

One note and they all pop the audience and sing.  In the course of this little song, the stage transforms into the funeral.  During the song AMOS doesn’t sing.  He takes out his phone and chats silently with “someone”.

 

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE DEADLIEST GAME EVER INVENTED

 

WHERE IT’S FUN FOR FUN’S SAKE

LEST YOU PLAY WITH POISONED CAKE

AND THEN YOU WILL BE DEAD

BUT NOT LIKE FUNNY HA HA DEAD

BUT DEAD LIKE NOT ALIVE COMPLETELY DEAD!

 

Alternate: hip hop beat happens that’s a minor version of the happy sultan song. 

 

 

SCENE: FUNERAL AND MARSHALL GARRETT

 

      PEITRA in front of coffin giving a eulogy of sorts

 

            PEITRA

In closing I am reminded of a thing he used to say almost every day: Death is not the worst thing in the world.  Zombies are the worst thing in the world.  Amen.  Take him away.

 

LINDSEY is covered in a cloak of some sort as the undertaker.  She removes the cloak and starts to wheel the coffin off.  BANDITO is causal at first.

 

            BANDITO

Lindsey, what are you doing here?

 

Realizes the situation.  PIANO hits a “surprise” chord.

 

Lindsey!  What are you doing here?!

 

LINDSEY shrieks and hides behind BANDITO pointing at AMOS who has a gun pointed in BANDITO’s direction.  Everyone gasps.  PIANO plays an evil theme.  Dun, duh dun etc.

 

            AMOS

That’s it, no more games mate.  Hand over the monkey.

 

BANDITO laughs at him.

 

            BANDITO

Oh Amos … Famous Amos.  You are even more dumber than I thought. 

 

            AMOS

I’ll shoot.  I swear I’ll shoot.

 

            BANDITO

      Getting ready to draw.  Supremely confident.

You are seriously underestimating my awesomeness.

 

LINDSEY goes in between them toward AMOS happily.  BANDITO is panicked.

 

Lindsey, what are you doing?  Lindsey get away from him. 

 

LINDSEY makes a noise and points at AMOS’s shirt and tricks him just like BANDITO tricked PEITRA.  Steals the gun.  Tah dah!  She now has the gun and waves it around happily, scaring AMOS and the others.

 

            AMOS

You stupid little mutt!

 

      BANDITO is on him with his gun drawn.

     

            BANDITO

Don’t talk to my Lindsey that way.  It hurts her feelings.

 

            AMOS

She’s a monkey!  She don’t have feelings!

 

Suddenly there are helicopter noises and spotlights all around.  Wind.

 

            BANDITO

What in the name of Mitt Romney is going on here?

 

            AMOS

Haha, yes!  I warned you, mate.  I know people, who know people.

 

      Up to the helicopters

 

He’s here!  This is him right here!

     

            GARRETT

      On a megaphone

Juanito Bandito, you’re under arrest.  Drop the gun and put your hands behind your head. 

 

            BANDITO

Never!

 

            GARRETT

This is not a suggestion.  The helicopter is armed.

 

            BANDITO

Ya well so am I.

 

            GARRETT

You’ve got to the count of three.  One.

 

Everyone yells at him in their own way to drop the gun and surrender.

 

            BANDITO

Juanito Bandito surrenders to no man!

 

            GARRETT

Two.

 

            BANDITO

I will die with a gun in my hands and a sick rap on my lips.

 

            GARRETT

Thr-

 

A gunshot from DARCY who has pulled her gun out.   Everything goes silent.  BANDITO is shocked, turns to her.  She gives him a quick look and then he puts his hands to his back and says.

 

            BANDITO

You have gotta be kidding me.

 

He falls dead.  Everyone turns to look at DARCY for an explanation.

 

            DARCY

What?

 

            COCO  

You shot him.

 

            DARCY

      Shrugs

He was asking for it.

 

LINDSEY runs over to BANDITO, concerned.  AMOS comes over and attaches the collar to her neck.

 

            AMOS

Come here you stupid mutt!

 

GARRETT speaks thru megaphone offstage

 

            GARRETT

Everybody keep your hands where I can see ‘em.  I’m comin’ in!

 

            COCO

      Taking off down the aisle

It’s the po po!  Run for it!

 

            PEITRA

      Following

Pretty lady, wait for me!!!

 

GARRETT comes in with two guns drawn pointing hilariously in every direction as he speaks.  Everyone’s hands go up including LINDSEY who is the last to do it.

 

            GARRETT

Hands up!  No monkey business, do you hear me?

 

      To LINDSEY

 

Do you hear what I’m saying right now!!!?  Answer me son!

 

            AMOS

If it isn’t US Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett.

 

            GARRETT

      Giving AMOS knuckles

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!

 

            DARCY  

Big Guns Bo Garrett?

 

            GARRETT

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!  That’s m’ tagline. 

 

             DARCY

You two know each other?

 

            AMOS

I know people who know people. Marshall and I go way back.

 

            GARRETT

Sigma Tau Alpha Beta.  ‘

 

      They do a quick secret handshake

 

            BOTH

Pals before gals!           

 

GARRETT

Now where’s the Bandito?  Lemme at him?

 

            AMOS      

That’s him right there.

 

GARRETT goes over and nudges BANDITO with his foot.

 

            GARRETT

What’s wrong with ‘im?  Is he sick?

 

            DARCY   

He’s dead.

 

      GARRETT backs away quickly, nervous about the body

 

I shot him.

 

            GARRETT

You shot him?

 

            DARCY

Yes I did.

 

      Extending her hand

 

Darcy Brown.

 

            GARRETT

Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett.  The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!

 

            DARCY

The man was a criminal.

 

            GARRETT

      Walking around showing off a bit for DARCY.

Yes he was, indeed he was, Mrs. Brown.

 

            DARCY

Actually it’s Miss ... not Mrs.

 

            GARRETT

Oh.

 

      Sees what she means

 

Oooooh.  Is that right?

 

      Strikes a dramatic pose.  Sexy voice.

 

            DARCY

Yes.  Yes it is. 

 

            GARRETT

I’m pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down.

 

AMOS grabs the leash again

 

            AMOS

This is getting a bit weird so I’m gonna go pack up the camp.

 

            DARCY

Before you go, Mr. Moody, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.

 

      Stops.  Annoyed. He was almost gone.

 

            AMOS

What is it?

 

            DARCY

Would you be so kind as to show us your monkey handlers permit?

 

            AMOS

My what?

 

            DARCY

Your monkey handlers permit. 

 

      Mostly to GARRETT

 

You know, the one you’re required to carry with you at all times while in possession of a live monkey? 

 

            AMOS

I uh ...

 

            DARCY

You do have one?

 

            AMOS

I do, but I uh ... I must have misplaced it.

 

            DARCY

Misplaced his monkey handlers handling permit?  Oh my.  That’s troubling, wouldn’t you say, handsome- I mean, Marshall?

 

            GARRETT

Troubling indeed, Miss Brown.

 

            DARCY

I mean, a man who handles a gorilla without the proper documentation ... what kind of man is he, really?

 

            GARRETT 

Good thought.  Good thought.

 

            AMOS

      To the aud or others

What’s happening right now?

 

            DARCY

It’s a slippery slope.  First he handles an animal without permits, next he’s skipping meetings for missionary farewells and pretty soon, well … it’s the next logical step.

 

            GARRETT

Immodest swimwear? (Leggings)

 

            DARCY

Worse.  Murder!

 

            AMOS

Murder!?

 

            GARRETT

Murder!? What murder?

 

            DARCY

Indicating the coffin.  Presenting her case like a lawyer.

The murder of Magnus Ankleburt.

 

            AMOS

What are you saying, Miss Brown?

 

            GARRETT

Let’s just have a look here, shall we?

 

Opens the coffin and is taken back by what he sees.  Jumps back trying to shake the image.

 

Woah!  Holy son of a sack of ...  That is one weird lookin’ dude right there, am I right?  I mean – sorry I just gotta-

 

      Takes another peek

 

Woah!  Good nuggets that guy is … unique in his facial features.  Woah that’s … it’s like a car wreck. You don’t want to look but you just have to look-

 

      Looks again

 

Oh! That is a face that only a mother could love but it would have to probably be a mother with very poor eyesight because wow ...

 

Shakes his head.

 

How did he die?

 

            DARCY

Poison.

 

            GARRETT

Poison?!

 

            DARCY

He was deliberately poisoned.

 

            GARRETT

By whom?

 

            DARCY

I was hoping that a man of your experience could help us find the answer to that very question.

 

            GARRETT

I have been known to round up a bad guy or two in my day.

 

            DARCY

So I’ve heard.

 

            GARRETT

      To LINDSEY

It was you wasn’t it? Wait. Nevermind, you’re a monkey.

 

            DARCY

Marshall, perhaps the guilty party might be located by searching for someone who is slipping in other areas of his life?  Animal handling permits and the like ...

 

            AMOS

Waaait, I see where this is going.  This is an outrage! 

 

            DARCY

Is it though?

 

            AMOS

Yes.

 

            DARCY

Is it really?

 

            AMOS

Yes.  I did not poison Magnus Ankleburt!

 

            DARCY

So you admit it?

 

            AMOS

What?!  No.  I deny it. 

 

            DARCY

You deny that you did not do it?

 

            AMOS

Yes.

 

            DARCY

      To GARRETT

He denies that he did not do it.  Double negative. 

 

            GARRETT

Guilty!

 

            DARCY

      Manvoice

Take him away!

 

            AMOS

What?!

 

            DARCY

      Quickly

Marshall Garrett you’ve done it again.

 

            GARRETT

Yes I have.

 

            AMOS

Hang on just-

 

            DARCY

You’ve solved the mystery!

 

            AMOS

You conniving little sn-!

 

            GARRETT

      Grabbing AMOS with a police move and cuffing him

Moody, that will be quite enough!  You’re under arrest.

 

            AMOS

But I’m innocent.

 

            GARRETT

Tell it to the judge!

 

GARRETT starts to escort AMOS off.

 

            AMOS

What about pals before gals!?

 

            GARRETT

      Stops. Gags him? as he says:

Dude we had it backwards.  It’s gals before pals.  It’s always been gals before pals.

 

Shoves AMOS offstage hilariously.  Turns to DARCY, taking out his phone.

 

So listen I gotta escort the prisoner back to Washington.  You wanna … swap digits.

 

            DARCY

Marshall what we have doesn’t require the exchange of phone numbers … if you catch my drift.

 

            GARRETT

Oh I catch it.

 

            DARCY

Do you though?

 

            GARRETT

Oh yeah.

 

            DARCY

Goodbye Marshall Garrett.

 

            GARRETT

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang! You’re gonna call me right?  Seriously, call me.

 

He exits. DARCY looks at BANDITO and at LINDSEY standing over him worried.  DARCY sits down calmly. 

 

            DARCY

That fall was a little dramatic don’t you think?

 

            BANDITO

As he sits up suddenly

It’s called acting.  Look it up.

 

      LINDSEY is super happy

 

            DARCY

Acting?  You fell down and held still. I was acting. 

 

            BANDITO

And I’m glad you’re a better actor than you are a shooter

 

      She hands him back the gun

 

            DARCY

If I wanted to shoot you, I would have shot you.

 

            BANDITO

What were you thinking?

 

            DARCY

I wasn’t.  I just had an idea so I went for it.

 

            BANDITO

      So proud

You followed your guts.

 

            DARCY

I saved your life.

 

            BANDITO

I don’t know about that.

 

            DARCY

Oh come on.

 

            BANDITO

I could have maybe taken that … helicopter.

 

Shows her his shooting tactics, funny.  She laughs.

 

            DARCY

So what now?

 

            BANDITO

Now … I need to find a new agent.

 

            DARCY

Are you offering me a job?

 

            BANDITO

Maybe.

 

            DARCY

I’ll think about it.

 

            BANDITO

What’s there to think about?  It’s gonna be the easiest job in history.

 

            DARCY

Easy?  You’re technically dead, getting your music career off the ground is going to be anything but easy.

 

            BANDITO

Not the way I see it.

 

            DARCY

Do explain.

 

            BANDITO

You know what sells more albums than a rapper with a dancing monkey?

 

            DARCY 

What?

 

            BANDITO

A rapper with a dancing monkey who just came back from the dead.  Hashtag winning team (blessed). 

 

            DARCY

I see your point.

 

            BANDITO

So what do you say?  You wanna join me for an adventure?

 

      She thinks.  He indicates to follow your guts.

 

            DARCY

I’m in.

 

            BANDITO

Yessss!  Let the awesomeness commence!!!

 

Goes right into the final song. 

 

SONG: DO THE MONKEY

 

      Song interlude:

 

            BANDITO

Take it away Pietra!

 

      Solo on the turntables with some sick dance moves

 

            COCO

Pietra?  Pietra, is that you?

 

            PEITRA

Hello, pretty lady.  Nice to see you again.

 

            COCO

Pietra, I didn’t know you had that in you.

 

            PEITRA

Me neither.  It turns out I am a tiger on the turntables.

 

            COCO

And how!  Say, you wanna go get a bite to eat after the concert tonight?

 

            PEITRA

I will have to check my schedule.

 

            COCO

Check your schedule?!

 

            PEITRA

Please do not take this the wrong way.  I am not saying you are gold digger but actually … I am.  You are a gold digger.

 

            COCO

But Pietra …

 

            PEITRA

If you liked it then you should have put ring on it.

 

            COCO

Pietraaaa!  I love you!

 

COCO chases PEITRA off. GARRETT comes in followed by AMOS who has a pooper scooper.

 

            GARRETT

Listen up felon! You got one job here and one job only.  Keep the premises clear of all monkey scat.  Is that understood?

 

            AMOS

Yes sir.

 

            GARRETT

I can’t hear you felon!

 

            AMOS

I got it!

 

            GARRETT

Good.  Now scat!

 

Sees DARCY dancing alone.  Smells his pits or breath or something and goes and starts dancing ridiculously next to her.  Takes her a second but he finally bumps into her and she sees him.

 

Oh hey … Heeeey!  You.  Long time no see!  You remember me? 

 

            DARCY

Big Guns Bo Garrett, right?

 

            GARRETT

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!  So I never heard back from you.

 

            DARCY

I lost your number.

 

            GARRETT

I thought maybe you had which is why I violated several international privacy laws in order to locate yours. Did you get my texts?

 

            DARCY

No.

 

            GARRETT

Weird.  That’s so weird cause I sent you like approximately 37 of them.  You didn’t get ‘em?

 

            DARCY

My phone is dead.  I lost my charger.

 

            GARRETT

Oh.  So you haven’t had a phone for like a week then?

 

            DARCY

Ya a week.  Sorry.

 

            GARRETT

So listen maybe after the con-

 

            DARCY

      She grabs her phone from her pocket

Hello?

 

      To GARRETT

 

Sorry I gotta take this.

 

      Continues the phone convo

 

 

 

Yes, the Tonight Show next Monday will work just fine.

 

            AMOS

AMOS has been watching.  Comes up, arm around his shoulders.

Pals before gals.

 

            GARRETT

Monkey scat!  Now!

 

      The number continues.

 

THE END