Getting pretty excited

I don't have enough time to write nearly the tip of the iceberg on what's happened over the past week.  I've been non-stop 9am-1,2or3am working on the show.  Derek has been huge as usual.  Not only does he have the talent to write and come up with stuff but he doesn't have the mental blocks that I do.  He sees creativity as a task to be accomplished and he can sit down and accomplish it without letting his head get in the way.  He's come up with so many great things.  We are about to have our first rehearsals tomorrow and as I read through the script it's hard to know which ideas were mine and which were other people's.  Yes, it takes the talent to put them into the show and make them work in context but the original ideas came from varied places and people.  The show has evolved soooo much as you know if you've followed the blog or read the last 2 months of posts.

Below is the script as it is now.  I am sooo excited to get it on the stage.  I'm confident that it's going to be amazing.  It's going to take a superhuman amount of work over the next 3 weeks, but it will be done.

None of the songs are completed at this point.  I have a really good start on 2 or 3 of them but none of the tracks are started.  I'm going to have to re-teach myself Logic notation again which is super frustrating but I will get it done.

So ya, that's all I have time to write right now.  Here's the script:

--

JUANITO BANDITO IN THE ONE WITH THE MONKEY

SCENE: THE PRESS CONFERENCE

Musical introduction and with a beat there’s a sudden spotlight on MAGNUS center.  He’s standing stooped in front of a press conference setup with a microphone and a snowcone/gatorade and a branded backdrop. All of the reporters are in matching navy and baby blue outfits with large rimmed black glasses.

            MAGNUS

Testing one two.  Testing. 

      Clears throat

On behalf of Juanito Bandito, I’d like to thank you all for coming to witness today’s big announcement which I’m sure will some day be written about in the history books.  My name is Magnus Ankleburt and I am Mr. Bandito’s agent.  Mr. Bandito will read a statement and then take a few of your questions.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the one and only, Juanito Bandito.

BANDITO enters in dark sunglasses with music playing in the background. Camera flashes are going off.  He sits.

I am going to keep this simple. I have some sad news and I have some happy news.  The sad news is that after much thinking and considerationing I have decided to retire from being a bad guy … starting today. 

The reporters start to shout questions and make noise all simultaneously. 

      REPORTER(S)

Mr. Bandito, what do you mean by “retire?”

Are you saying no more bank robberies?

What brought about the sudden change?

MAGNUS comes forward to shush them.

            MAGNUS

Quiet please.  Ladies and gentlemen, please hold your questions.  Thank you.

            BANDITO

The happy news is that since I am stepping away from the day to day responsibilities of being a stone cold killer, I will now have time to focus on my true passion.  My music. Rap music to be more specific.  In conj-  conj-

He looks over his shoulder and MAGNUS comes to read the word that he can’t pronounce.

            MAGNUS

Conjunction.

            BANDITO

Conjunction?

            MAGNUS

Yes, conjunction.

            BANDITO

That’s not a word.

            MAGNUS

Actually it is.

            BANDITO

No, it’s not. 

      Covers the mic

This is what I get for letting you write my speeches?  You make up words for to making me sound stupid? 

            MAGNUS

It’s not made-

            BANDITO

You’re fired.  Pack your bags.

            MAGNUS 

      Quietly under his breath

It’s a word.

            BANDITO

What?

            MAGNUS

Nothing.

MAGNUS takes out his notebook and jots something down. BANDITO continues.

            BANDITO

In conj-

      Looks to MAGNUS again

            MAGNUS

Conjunction.

            BANDITO

In conjunction with this announcement, I am also excited to tell you that one week from today will be my very first concert appearance featuring songs from my dee-butt album. 

            MAGNUS

Debut.

            BANDITO

Bless you.  I will now take your questions.

      They all speak, trying to get his attention

            REPORTER

Mr. Bandito! 

            BANDITO

Yes?

            REPORTER

You’re the fastest gun in the world and the most successful semi-fictional Spanish outlaw in history. Why the sudden change of interest?

            BANDITO

Let me try to es-plain.  As you maybe have heard about, a couple of weeks ago I robbed a stagecoach that was transporting the Princess of Bhutan.

            REPORTER

A stagecoach robbery?

            REPORTER

A princess?

            REPORTER

That sounds exciting!

            BANDITO

Yes, except not.

            REPORTER

Can you elaborate?

            BANDITO

I would love to, but I’m not sure what that word means.  Instead I will continue to give you some more details. I came up to the guards and told them that I was going to rob the coach.  One of them asked me who I thought I was and so I told them, “I am Juanito Bandito.”

REPORTER

And?

            BANDITO

They started crying … like a bunch of little sissy girls.

            REPORTER

What about the Princess?

            BANDITO

I stole her money, her jewelries and her horses and do you know what she did?

            REPORTER

Scream?

            BANDITO

No.  She gave me her phone number.

            REPORTER

You’re kidding.

            BANDITO

I wish I was.

            REPORTER

Did you take it?

            BANDITO

She was super hot so yes.

      Phone text sound effect.  Checks his phone

Speaking of a devil. 

      Reads her text then takes a duckface selfie

Smiley face, panda bear, Bandito face, raise the roof hands.

      Send sound effect

She doesn’t speak English so we communicate with emoticons.

      Puts phone away

What I am trying to say here is that robbing the coach was too easy. It has all become too easy and that, my friends, is why I am done using my guns for to getting the things that I want.

      Calls on another reporter

Yes?

            REPORTER

Can you tell us more about your upcoming concert?

            BANDITO

Well, it’s next week and it’s gonna be awesome. 

            REPORTER

Can you elaborate?

            BANDITO

Again, I’m not sure, but I can tell you that it will be literally the most super-awesome thing you have ever seen in your entire life.  Like this will be your mind and I will be like-

      Blows

Blown.  … I am literally going to blow your mind.

Some vocal reaction from the reporters. BANDITO calls on another.

Yes.

            REPORTER

Are you aware of the fact that you just misused the word “literally?”

            BANDITO

Are you aware of the fact that you are dumb?  Next question. 

            REPORTER

Are you-

Suddenly on runs PEITRA who is wearing nothing but a sign that has a website on it.  Some razzle dazzle music from the PIANO.

            PEITRA

Hey, hey, hey!

            MAGNUS

Woah, Peitra what are you doing?

            PEITRA

      Turns to MAGNUS and BANDITO

So sorry.  Will just be a moment.

      Turns to the cameras and speaks

Hello internet!  I am Pietra of Pietra’s Pickle Sickles, your one stop internet shop for the world’s most delicious pickle treats now offering free worldwide pickle shipping.

            BANDITO

Security!

            PEITRA

Visit online at ww dot pietra’s pickles dot com.

            BANDITO

Security!  Magnus, that’s you.  Security!  Please get this man out of my press conference.

      MAGNUS drags him off as he says his last line

            PEITRA

Use the discount code cucumber to receive a free two liter pickle juice!

            BANDITO

Sorry for that.  I have time for one more question.  Yes.

            REPORTER

Why do you want to become a rapper of all things?  Why not something normal and at least partially useful … like a dentist?

      Musical intro begins

            BANDITO

First of all, dentists are kind of freaky.  Secondly, a rapper is not something you become.  A rapper is something you just are.

            REPORTER

Would you care to elaborate? 

            BANDITO

Pretty sure not, but I will give you further details.  It’s like this.

SONG: DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO

LEMME LAY IT DOWN LIKE IT IS

LEMME LAY IT OUT LOUD LIKE A DAD TO HIS KIDS

YOU SEE,

IT’S A STORY ‘BOUT A GUY ON THE FLY

WAKIN UP, SAW THE FUTURE WRITTEN IN THE SKY

IT’S LIKE THIS

EVER SINCE I WAS A SMALL ONE

ALWAYS KNEW THAT THE BEAT WAS MY CALL SON

ALWAYS KNEW THAT ONE DAY

I’D BE ON THE STAGE

BU-BUMP-BUMPIN’

SPITTIN’ RHYMES FOR DAYS AND DAYS

COULDN’T SLEEP, CAUSE I WAS DREAMIN’ IT NIGHTLY

THE VERY THOUGHT GOT ME FEELIN’ SO RIGHTLY

A VISION, COLLISION, A LIGHT IN THE DARK

MY LIFE WAS A DRY BRANCH WAITIN’ FOR THE SPARK

AND NOW YES, MY TIME IS COME

TIME FOR JACK WIGGETTY WHACK MACK LYRICAL FUN

AND DON’T STRESS, CAUSE IMMA SHOW YOU WHERE IT’S AT

SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP

CHORUS:

YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO WHEN YOU GOTTA DO IT

BE WHAT YOU GOTTA BE WHEN YOU GOTTA BE IT

SEE WHAT YOU GOTTA SEE WHEN YOU GOTTA SEE IT

SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY

BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP

I GOTTA RAP

RAP LIKE A TOGA

RAP LIKE A KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR

I’M COMIN’ OVAH

RAP LIKE A PRESENT

RAP UP THE CHEESE

WRAP THE ONLY HEALTHY THING

AT MICKY-D’S

IT’S GROWN UP GAME

I DON’T KNOW HOW I DO IT

CHORUS

MUSICAL INTERLUDE WITH PIANO AND GUITAR SOLO

CHORUS

SMALL ENDING RAP

FINAL HIT

      End of song

            MAGNUS

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming. We look forward to seeing you at the concert next week.

The reporters wander off and DARCY approaches BANDITO

            DARCY

Mr. Bandito, can I have a moment?

            MAGNUS

I’m sorry but he doesn’t have time for-

            BANDITO

      Moving MAGNUS aside

Darcy Brown.  I thought I was a pretty big deal but now I know for sure.

            DARCY

The Times would like to do a full-page feature on your career transition. Is there another time we can get together? Over dinner, perhaps?

            BANDITO

Dinner?

            DARCY

If it’s convenient.

            BANDITO

Where?

            DARCY

Wherever you want.

            BANDITO

Mmm.  That is my favorite restaurant.

            DARCY

So it’s a date then?

            BANDITO

Yes.  I’ll have my people get ahold of your people.

            DARCY

Fair enough. 

      Turns to MAGNUS

            BANDITO

People!  Talk to this woman.  I’m going to my studio to work on my sick beats. 

Big loud hit in the music as lights black out except for small spot on BANDITO’s head.  He headbangs to the music as the next scene is set.

SCENE – FIND MY SHTICK

Lights up on BANDITO’s mancave as music ends and suddenly he is playing something on his phone.  The awesomest mancave ever.  There are signed posters of Kobe, Taylor Swift and Dr. Dre.  There are two nice, manly leather chairs, a table in the middle and a cool lamp and a rug. There’s a freestanding door on stage R.  There’s a knock on the door.  BANDITO opens it to MAGNUS.

            BANDITO

Magnus, my brother from another mother.  Como va la lucha?

            MAGNUS

      Entering to sit, concerned

We need to talk.

            BANDITO

Okay. 

      MAGNUS sits and opens his laptop, worried

Is something wrong?

            MAGNUS

As your agent and also as your friend, I have to ask you this one more time: Are you sure you want to go through with this?

            BANDITO

What do you mean?

            MAGNUS

Are you sure you want to hang up your guns? I mean wouldn’t it be a lot simpler to just keep doing what you were doing before?  You’re so good at it.

            BANDITO

Magnus, I am so sick of hearing people talk about my guns as if that is all there is to know about me.  Yes, I have very fast guns, fine, but there are other things about me that are awesome, right?

      MAGNUS stares at him directly but doesn’t answer

Say yes.

            MAGNUS

Yes. 

            BANDITO

Once I blow some minds with my super-sick raps, the world will know me not only as a man who is fast with his guns, but a man who is even faster with his rhymes.

      MAGNUS takes a deep breath

What?  You don’t think I have fast rhymes?

            MAGNUS 

I didn’t say that.

            BANDITO

Give me a word.

           

            MAGNUS

What?

            BANDITO

Give me any word and I will rhyme it.  Any word.

            MAGNUS

I didn’t-

            BANDITO

      Draws his gun

An-y worrrd.

            MAGNUS

I didn’t mean to-

            BANDITO

      Shoots into the ground

Una palabra, por favor!!!

      A beat

            MAGNUS

Spoon.

            BANDITO

June.  … Give me another one.

            MAGNUS

Fork.

            BANDITO

Easy. 

      Points to MAGNUS

Dork.  Another.

            MAGNUS

Floor.

            BANDITO

Door.

            MAGNUS

Happy.

            BANDITO

Slappy. 

            MAGNUS

Sad.

            BANDITO

Dad. This is so easy.  I am so talented at this.

      MAGNUS gets clever

            MAGNUS

Chimney.

            BANDITO

      BANDITO can’t find one.

Umm …

            MAGNUS

Luggage. 

            BANDITO

I uh … smuggage …

            MAGNUS

Penguin.  Sandwich …  Elbow.

Improv time.  MAGNUS calls him out on his fake rhymes and BANDITO makes up their origins.

            BANDITO

You know what?  That’s enough of rhyming for today.  You get the point.  I’m a rapper. End of story.

            MAGNUS

It appears that you are quite resolved in the matter.

            BANDITO

Yes I really am.

            MAGNUS

      Focusing back on the laptop

Then the next thing I think we should do is a quick debriefing.

            BANDITO

      Pauses, looking at MAGNUS

I’m hoping that that word does not mean what I am thinking that it means.

            MAGNUS

It doesn’t.  How did you feel about the press conference this morning?

            BANDITO

Fine.  I was awesome.  The peoples love me.  Big surprise. 

            MAGNUS

That’s exactly what I thought … until I got online.

            BANDITO

What do you mean?

            MAGNUS

You’re all over the place.  The virtual world can’t stop talking about you.

            BANDITO

That’s great.

            MAGNUS

I thought so too, until I started to read what they were saying.  Take this tweet/people.com article for example.

      Hands BANDITO the computer.  BANDITO reads.

            BANDITO

“Bandito’s big career change is more cli-  cli- “  What is this word?

            MAGNUS

Cliché.

            BANDITO

“Bandito’s career change is more cliché than a zombie game in the app store.  Funeral potatoes, Disneyland on UEA, (a white girl in a starbucks)” What does that supposed to mean?

            MAGNUS

It means they think they’ve heard your story before. 

            BANDITO

What do they mean they’ve heard it before?!  I am original.  I am unique. 

            MAGNUS

You’re a rapper that used to be a criminal.

            BANDITO

OM gosh you’re right.  That is pretty much the exact career path of every rapper in the history of like ever.

            MAGNUS

      Scrolling on the laptop or his phone

They’re all saying the same thing.  And you’re getting absolutely murdered on Twitter right now.

      Laughs, looks up and explains to BANDITO

That one was actually pretty funny.

            BANDITO

Magnus what are we going to do?  This morning I am on top of the world and now I am nothing more than a cli-  a cli-

            MAGNUS

Cliché.

            BANDITO

Yes, that.

            MAGNUS

You could always change your mind.  Go back and tell them it was just a joke.

            BANDITO

And give up on my destiny?  Never! You can take the gangster out of the hood but you can’t take the hood out of the gangster.

            MAGNUS

      Offering knuckles

True dat yo.

            BANDITO

What is that?

            MAGNUS

Just returning some swag for swag if you will.

            BANDITO

Swag?

            MAGNUS

What?  I have swag.

            BANDITO

Magnus, your level of swag is somewhere between oboe player and Hilary Clinton.

MAGNUS takes a deep breath and writes something in his notebook.

What I need is a plan.  A plan to help me stand out in the overcrowded sea of former terrible people who decided to become rappers.

            MAGNUS

You need a shtick.

            BANDITO

A stick?

            MAGNUS

Not stick.  Shtick.  A gimmick.  Something to set yourself apart.

            BANDITO

Something unique.

            MAGNUS

Yes.

            BANDITO

Something original.

            MAGNUS

Exactly.

            BANDITO

Hang on.

      BANDITO suddenly starts meditating

            MAGNUS

What are you doing?

            BANDITO

I am asking the universe to send me my shtick.

            MAGNUS

The universe?

            BANDITO

Yes, the universe.  I read about it in a book once.

      MAGNUS looks at him like “really?”

Okay fine I saw it on the YouTubes.

      Goes back to meditating

            MAGNUS

You think all you have to do is ask the universe and some unseen force is going to make your solution appear out of nowhere?

BANDITO

It’s worth a try.

            MAGNUS

Ya well I got news for you, bucko.  Life isn’t like that.  Answers don’t just randomly show up and walk through your front door and start handing out fliers.

Suddenly a knock on the door.  LINDSEY comes in with a flier.  Walks quickly across and hands it to BANDITO, tips her hat and then leaves just as quickly. 

            MAGNUS

Well that’s something you don’t see every day.

            BANDITO

      Reading the flier

Magnus, we have to go now.

            MAGNUS

Was that a … monkey?

      Hands him the flier.  He reads it.

I think we have to go now.

            BANDITO

The universe just sent me my shtick!

They make a break for the door and Blackout.  Scene change music goes into the song.

SCENE: MEET LINDSEY

Lights up on town street.

SONG:  AMOS and LINDSEY

Idea:

The world is full of sadness

There's depression, sobs, and tears

I heard the cries and wondered why

Doesn't somebody conquer these fears?

So I left, a man on a mission

To find the secret, to make the world grin

And I found her, a miracle, (a big, hairy miracle)

And like that, we let happiness in

She may not smell too pretty

Or have opposable thumbs

She's got fleas, and big feet,

But when she hears the beat

The rhythm and moves they just come!

(Picking up speed)

I can see you're curious, George

But hold your breath and we'll forge

Ahead to the gorge

-ous star of our show

The one you'll all want to know

So hang on here we go

Let's all say hello to

*FANFARE and REVEAL*

Lindsey!!!!

I'm the man with the monkey, the champ with the chimp!

I'm the guy with the gorilla for when life's feelin' limp!

So, if you need a pick-me-up or maybe a smile, come watch Lindsey dance a while!

I'm her top banana

She's my Queen Kong

When we passed through China

She'd hear that gong and-

*kung fu fighting moves*

(A la tango)

Have you ever seen a chango

That can do the tango

Found her in the jungle

And we've been cheek to cheek ever since!

She can tap dance

And do ballet

Just give her half a chance

And she can limbo your cares away!

I'm the lug with the lemur

The Al with the ape

I'm the bub with the baboon to get you all feelin great!

So open your wallets

Let bills rain from the sky

For Lindsey the Ape and I!!!

(Fast patter)

So if life feels like a no-go

Keep your eyes on my bonobo

As she does a little solo

That she picked up down in Soho

She's LINDSEY, the Eighth Wonder of the World!!!!

After the number PEITRA approaches COCO with a dead animal

            PEITRA

A possum for the pretty lady.

            COCO

Ahhh!  It’s a rat.  Why are you handing me a rat?  Take it away. 

            PEITRA

In my country, giving pretty lady dead animal is sign of respect and romance.

            COCO

Ahhh.  That’s funny cause in this country, it’s not. 

      He extends it to her.  She’s grossed out still.

No.  I don’t-

He forces it upon her.  She grabs it.

Thank you.  Thank you so much for this … rat.

            PEITRA

Possum.

            COCO

Beg your pardon?

            PEITRA

Not rat.  Possum.  Delicious with ramen noodles.

            COCO

I’ll have to try that.

            PEITRA

      Kneels and opens a ring box with a ring pop

Marry me.

            COCO

Come again?

            PEITRA

Marry me, Pretty Lady.

            COCO

I don’t even know your name.

            PEITRA

Pietra.

            COCO

Pietra?

            PEITRA

Marry me.

            COCO

I don’t even know you. 

PEITRA

What would you like to know?

            COCO

What do you do for a living?

            PEITRA

I own business. 

            COCO

      Excited kind of

So you’re a businessman?

            PEITRA

I am not a businessman but I am a business … man.

            COCO

Are you rich?

            PEITRA

No.

            COCO

Are you famous?

            PEITRA

No.

            COCO

You’re not rich, you’re not famous and you ain’t even learned how to speak no proper English?  What do you have to offer?

            PEITRA

Well, I usually save this for second date, but I am world record holder.

            COCO

For what?

            PEITRA

I will show you, but first you must know the doctor says it is benign.

Goes to take off his shoe.  She dry heaves and runs off.  He looks up and she is gone.  Turns to audience.

And that is why I wait for second date.

Blackout.  Scene change music with PEITRA getting jiggy.

SCENE: I’D LIKE TO BUY A MONKEY

Scene change music back to BANDITO’s mancave.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are there.  MAGNUS is dressed in a funny suit coat.  BANDITO is maybe dressed up a little as well.

            MAGNUS

Are you sure this isn’t a trite much?

            BANDITO

We have to show this man that we are serious about this monkey business.

            MAGNUS

This is too big.

            BANDITO

Is it my fault that your mother married a Harry Potter house elf? 

            MAGNUS

My father was not an elf.

            BANDITO

Are you sure?

            MAGNUS

      Admitting defeat

No.

      A knock. 

            BANDITO

Do not speak unless you are spoken to.

BANDITO answers.  It’s AMOS and LINDSEY.

Amos Moody!  Thank you so much for agreeing to come on such short notice.  Or I guess as they say in your country, “Thank you for agreeing to come on such short notice … mate.” Do they do the kissing the cheeks thing in Australia?

            AMOS

No, not really.

            BANDITO

Good.  I’m super glad for that.

            AMOS

Nice setup you have here.

BANDITO sees LINDSEY who is following AMOS into the room.

            BANDITO

Oh my good night look at – look at this monkey.  She’s beautiful.  You are beautiful.  Can she understand me?

            AMOS

She’s a monkey.

            BANDITO

So … ?

            AMOS

She don’t speak English.

            BANDITO

Oh right.  Australian.

      Louder and with actions and a bad accent

You are beautiful!  Let’s put another shrimp on the bar-

MAGNUS clears his throat trying to help the situation

This is my agent, Magnus Ankleburt.

            MAGNUS

A pleasure to meet you both.  Your performance was exceptional and might I say that-

            BANDITO

Shuuuut …  your mouth!  Psh … This guy.  He’d talk your ear off if you let him.  

      Pulls AMOS aside

You know what I have to do sometimes when he starts talking?  I distract myself by making a list of all of the things I would rather do than listen to him talking. 

            MAGNUS

I don’t think I talk anymore than any normal-

            BANDITO

“Remove a wart, root canal, trigonometry,” and usually by the time I get to “watch movie starring Nicholas Cage” he shuts up.

      MAGNUS takes out his notebook and writes.

Please have a seat.

AMOS sits.  During this scene LINDSEY starts next to AMOS but moves back at some point to torment MAGNUS who is scared to death of her.

            AMOS

Lindsey, sit.  Stay.

            BANDITO

Mr. Amos, if it’s okay with you I’m going to cut right to the cheese.  I want to buy your monkey.

      AMOS doesn’t react

You don’t look surprised.

            AMOS

That’s because I’m not.

            BANDITO

The way I see it, you can sell me the monkey for more than you make in a year with your little show and this will give you time to pursue your other interests and talents.  Like I don’t know … alligator wrestling or boomerang carving or you could audition to be the next Crocodile Dundee.  I’m just spitballing here.

            AMOS

How much money are we talking about?

            BANDITO

I know that it might be hard to say goodbye to a dear friend but you have to remember-

            AMOS

I’m not worried about that.

            BANDITO

You’re not?

            AMOS

Mate, she’s a monkey.  It’s not like she has feelings or nothin’.

They laugh although BANDITO is not so sure he agrees.  This is not what he expected.

            BANDITO

I’m glad you feel that way. 

            AMOS

How much?

            BANDITO

      Writing a number on a piece of paper

Here is what I am prepared to offer you.

Slides the paper across to AMOS after writing a number.  AMOS reads it and laughs.

            AMOS

Is this a joke?

            BANDITO

No, this is no joke.

            AMOS

      Hands back the paper

Looks like a joke to me.

            BANDITO

Fine.

      BANDITO writes another figure and gives it to him

            AMOS

That’s not enough.

      BANDITO thinks he’s getting played

            BANDITO

What do you mean “not enough?!”

            AMOS

Look, you’re not my only potential buyer.

            BANDITO

Really?

            AMOS

I’ve got an offer from a gentleman in Chicago.  In fact I’m on my way to drop off the goods right now.

      BANDITO thinks he’s lying but makes one more offer

            BANDITO

Okay then.  Name your price.

            AMOS

Alright.

AMOS takes the paper from him and writes a number.  Slides it across to him.

            BANDITO

Are you kidding me?  Tell me this is a joke or else I swear, I will take my monkey business elsewhere.

            AMOS

That’s the price, mate.

            BANDITO

Never in my life have I paid this much for a monkey.

            AMOS

She’s a dancing monkey. 

            BANDITO

I don’t care if she dances.  I don’t care if she washes my dishes.

            AMOS

She will.

            BANDITO

I don’t care if she spits gold nuggets and poops Cadbury cream eggs! My name is Juanito Bandito.

            AMOS

I know who you are.

            BANDITO

Then you will understand what I am saying when I say unto you that this is a take it or lose it proposition.

            AMOS

Are you threatening me?

            BANDITO

Does this answer your question?

Does a quick fire with someone shooting the gun offstage.

      AMOS

No, actually it doesn’t.

            BANDITO

How about this?

      Does it again.

            AMOS

Still not understanding.

            BANDITO

Maybe this will help.

      One more time

            AMOS

I get that you’re trying to get some point across with all of this wasteful gunfire, but I’m still kinda like whaaaaa?

            BANDITO

      Quickly

I’m showing you how fast I am with my gun!

            AMOS

You don’t scare me, mate.

            BANDITO

      Grabbing his arm

Are you sure about that?

            AMOS

Be careful Bandito.  I know people … who know people.

            BANDITO

      Big pause, dramatic

What does that even mean?

            AMOS

Lindsey come.

By now, LINDSEY has MAGNUS cornered up on a chair or something.  It’s been a slow process of LINDSEY getting closer and MAGNUS trying to stay away from her all scene.

            BANDITO

I thought you were a smart man, famous Amos.

            AMOS

Well it looks like you were wrong. 

      Thinks about clarifying but decides not to

Good day.

AMOS and LINDSEY leave.  MAGNUS calms down a bit after having been tormented by LINDSEY.

            MAGNUS

So much for that idea.

            BANDITO

Magnus, do you really think I’m gonna give up so easy?  That monkey is a gift to me from the gods of hip hop.

            MAGNUS

But you heard what he said.  He knows people who know people.

            BANDITO

Yes.  And so do I.  So do you.  So does everyone.  In fact as far as I know, Adam and Eve were the only two people ever who did not know people who knew people.

            MAGNUS

I guess when you put it that way.

            BANDITO

It means nothing.

            MAGNUS

You’re right.

            BANDITO

He’s basically saying nothing.

            MAGNUS

He might have well had just been like …

Awkward pause. Scene change music hits and BANDITO and MAGNUS get jiggy with it.

SCENE:  SIRI

            PEITRA

Hey, Pretty Lady.

            COCO

Oh it’s you again.

            PEITRA

Good news!  I am now a millionaire.

            COCO

You are?

            PEITRA

No.  Not technically, but I do have a million dollar idea.

           

            COCO

I’m sure you do.

            PEITRA

Hear me out.  I have developed brand new software for cellular devices.

            COCO

What does it do?

            PEITRA

It is a soothing voice the will answer questions, give you directions and provide lifelike conversations for people who have no friends. 

            COCO

Really?

            PEITRA

Here give it a try.  Ask whatever you want.

            COCO

What’s the capital of Illinois?

            SIRI

I found three Chinese restaurants near you.

            PEITRA 

It is still in Beta phase. 

Blackout.  Scene change music as COCO gets jiggy with it.

      Takes the phone

Siri, tell the pretty lady the capital of Illinois.

Pietra, I don’t appreciate your tone.

You’re ruining this for me.

SCENE: DARCY and BANDITO

BANDITO and DARCY are sitting at a table eating at a makeshift restaurant.  BANDITO just finished a story.

      DARCY

No way.

            BANDITO

Yes way.

            DARCY

Please tell me you made that up.

            BANDITO

I wish I did.

            DARCY

That’s the most unbelievable and also kind of super gross story I’ve ever heard.

      A pause, BANDITO chuckles

She was your sister?

            BANDITO

I did not even know I had a sister!

      Going through the pages of notes she just took

            DARCY

Wow.  Mistaken identities, magical potions, pirates, … pink bunnies … Your life is kind of amazing.

            BANDITO

Amazing is my middle name.

            DARCY

      She laughs then thinks he’s serious.

Wait.  Is it really?

            BANDITO

      He tricked her kind of

No.  But it should be.

Laughs at the joke. Thumbing through her notes.

            DARCY

I think I’ve got plenty here to get me started. 

      Looks at him.  Pauses.

Maybe just one more question.

            BANDITO

Fire away.

            DARCY

You’re the most feared outlaw in history.

            BANDITO

I rock.  No duh.  Sorry, what was the question?

            DARCY

You’re the best in your business and now all of the sudden you want to give it up to become … a rapper of all things? 

            BANDITO

It is time for a new adventure.

            DARCY

There has to be more to the story than that.

            BANDITO

Actually not really.  I woke up one morning and I was like, “I’m kind of bored,” and that’s when I knew that it was time for something new.

            DARCY

What if it doesn’t work out?

            BANDITO

Anyone who doesn’t think it’s gonna work out is seriously underestimating my awesomeness.  You can quote me on that.

            DARCY

Can I tell you something?  This is going to sound weird but … I envy you.

Actually … that doesn’t sound weird at all.  I hear that all the time. 

No seriously, your life is just one adventure after another.  And me, I –

What do you mean?  You’ve been right in the middle of wars and elections and sporting events … Good night you were on the sideline when the Yeshawks threw away the Super Bowl.

            DARCY

You mean the Seahaws?

            BANDITO

Si.  That’s what I said.  The YesHawks

            DARCY

I guess what I’m trying to say is that reporting on something remarkable is a lot different than doing something remarkable.

      A beat.  Music starts.

The problem is that I like to have all of the information you know … before I make a decision.  That’s not a bad thing, is it?

            BANDITO

If you wait until you have all of the information you’re probably gonna end up missing your adventures.

            DARCY

You know what?  You’re right.

SONG: JUST GO FOR IT

LIKE THINK OF DAVID

DAVID?

THE ONE WITH THE GIANT

FROM THE BIBLE?

ONE DAY HE’S SITTIN’ IN A FIELD JUS’ WATCHIN’ SHEEP AND THEN

THE NEXT THING

HE’S FACED WITH A GIANT

ALL HE’S GOT’S A BAG OF ROCKS AND A SLINGSHOT

GOLIATH CALLS OUT FOR ALL TO HEAR

LET ONLY THE STRONGEST MEN COME NEAR

AND WHAT DOES DAVID DO?

HIS LIFE IS ON THE BRINK

THE ODDS ARE STACKED AGAINST HIM

YET HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK

HE JUST GOES FOR IT

HE GOES FOR IT

THROWS HIS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND JUST FIGHTS

DOESN’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT’S HE’S PROBLY GONNA DIE

HE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE HE JUST LETS IT FLY

HE JUST GOES FOR IT, MAN HE GOES FOR IT

HE PUT HIS HEAD DOWN AND HE ACTS AND HOOOOW

HE’S IRRAT-ION-AL,

ILL-LOG-IC-AL

COMPLETELY CERTIFIABLY INSANE AND YET WHEN THE DUST CLEARS

THERE HE STANDS

A HERO

            DARCY

It’s as if he knew he was going to win.  How did he know?

            BANDITO

He didn’t.  You answered your own question. Sometimes you have to forget about the odds and the facts and just make a choice.  You have to just go for it.

            DARCY

That’s a very romantic notion but it doesn’t always work out in practice.

                  BANDITO

What do you mean?

            DARCY

Sometimes the facts are your friends.

            BANDITO

Would you care the elab-  Elabr-

            DARCY

Elaborate?

            BANDITO

Yes, that.

            DARCY

Absolutely.

THINK OF ROMEO

THE ONE WITH THE GIRLFRIEND

HE FELL IN LOVE WITH JULIET

AND VOWED TO BE HER PRINCE

BUT THEN THE NEXT DAY

HE WENT TO THE CHAPEL

HE THOUGHT THE GIRLS WAS DEAD

BUT SHE WAS SLEEPING

-HE SAW HIS LOVE ASLEEP AND GOT

-TO THINKIN’ SHE WAS DEAD

HE CRIED AND MOANED IN LOVESTRUCK SORROW

HE STARTED TO THINKIN THERE WAS NO TOMORROW

AND WHAT DOES ROMIE DO

WHEN HIS WITTS ARE ON THE BRINK

HE’S GOT A VILE OF POISON

AND HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK

HE JUST GOES FOR IT

MAN HE GOES FOR IT

THROWS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND DONE DEAL

HE DOESN’T CARE THE CALCULATE

THE FACTS THAT MIGHT BE MISSIN’

THE COUPLE ENDS UP DYIN’

WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE ENDED KISSIN’

HE GOES FOR IT, YA HE GOES FOR IT

HE ACTS AND HE ENDS UP DEAD

HE’S IRRATIONAL, ILLOGICAL, SOME PEOPLE SAY ROMANTIC BUT I JUST SAY STUPID, AND WHEN THE DUST CLEARS, THERE HE STANDS, A HERO, A DEAD HERO

Come on Romeo, have a little patience, am I right?  Get a doctor to examine her medically first.

… or at very least check her pulse. 

Exactly.  How do you know when to check the facts versus just taking a blind leap?

You have to follow your guts.

My guts?

Es muy sencillo. You listen carefully to what your guts is telling you and then you do it. 

You mean your instincts.

Same diff.  For example, my guts usually is telling me things like, steal that or shoot that guy or write some sick raps.

Hmm.

As long as I listen my guts, everything almost always usually sometimes turns out for the best. 

SO LETS IMAGINE

OKAY

A HERALDED WRITER

LIKE YOU?

SHE’S ITCHIN FOR ADVENTURE BUT SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE THE GUTS

SHE’S DETERMINED

BU

I WANNA JUST GO FOR IT, GO FOR IT

I WANNA DO SOMETHING IRRATIONAL AT LEAST

I WANT TO LIVE SOME RARE ADVENTURE

WANNA SEE WHAT IT’S ABOUT

I’M WALKING TO THE EDGE AND THEN I’M JUMPING … LOOK OUT!

I GO FOR IT, YA I JUST GO FOR IT

I’M EVERYTHING I WANNA BE AND HOW!

      End of song

            BANDITO

Okay Darcy Brown.  I am going to doing you a favor.

            DARCY

Is that right? 

            BANDITO

I’m taking you on an adventure.  And let me just say in advance … you’re welcome. 

      She laughs

I need some help with a little … project I am working on.  It is for a very good cause.

            DARCY

Sounds intriguing.

            BANDITO

Oh it is.

            DARCY

Will it be dangerous?

            BANDITO

Danger is my middle name. 

      She pulls a face

Juanito Amazing Danger Bandito.  True story.

            DARCY

Is it something illegal?

            BANDITO

If it is, will you say no?

            DARCY

Probably.

            BANDITO

Then I will not tell you.

      She laughs

            DARCY 

What is it?

            BANDITO

Ding ding ding.  Oh I’m sorry you have reached the information limit for making this decision.  Now say yes. 

            DARCY

But what if-

            BANDITO

      Making fun

No but what if’s!  But what if we get in trouble?  But what if I get hurt?  But what if I get obstructed by aliens?

      Gets serious

Look at me Darcy Brown.  Listen to your guts.  What is your guts saying to you right now?

            DARCY

      She thinks hard.  The joke is subtle.

Really? … Tacos???

      They both laugh at her funniness

Okay fine. I’m in.

            BANDITO

Yes!  That is the spirit.  Meet me back here in one hour.

      BANDITO heads out

            DARCY

But what if-

            BANDITO

No more but what ifing!  One hour and you will have your adventure.

She reaches into her purse and pulls out her headphones.  Puts them on and then music hits and DARCY dances as scene changes.

SCENE: INTERNET FLIX

PEITRA and COCO are walking across the stage.  She’s got another animal that he just gave to her.

            COCO

Tell me again how it will work?

      PEITRA

For low monthly fee you will be able to stream unlimited movies and tv shows to any device anywhere in the world. I will call it Net-movies or maybe Internet-flix.  What do you think?

            COCO

Who in their right mind would pay for a convenient online service like that when all you have to do is get you wallet, get in the car, drive into town, walk into the video store, spend several minutes physically searching for the movie you want which is hopefully not already rented out, wait in line, pay for it, and don’t forget to bring it back within 48 hours or you will have to pay a late fee?  Sorry Pietra but the internet movies idea is a flop.  Trust me.  Blockbuster Video is here to stay, my friend. 

Blackout.  Scene change music as someone gets jiggy with it.

SCENE: AMOS, LINDSEY and COCO IN CAMP

Lights up at nighttime on AMOS and COCO talking. Nighttime sound effects.  Crickets etc. LINDSEY is nowhere to be seen but her cage is center stage.

            AMOS

And then he says to me, ‘this is a take it or lose it proposition.’  Who does he think he is?  I had half a mind to punch his teeth in.

            COCO

Well it’s probably a good thing you didn’t.  Man like that you never know what he’s capable a doin’.

            AMOS

He don’t scare me. 

            COCO

Well he does me. 

            AMOS

Lindsey?!!

Out comes LINDSEY with bag of cookies unopened.  AMOS talks to her and at first we think he is being nice.

There’s my little girl.  Yes, there you are.  Bring it on over now, ya like a good girl.  Thank you.

      Suddenly very hostile in an attempt to scare her

Now get lost!

      LINDSEY jumps.  AMOS laughs rudely.

Hahahaha!  Stupid mutt.  Did you see her jump?  Hahahaha!

COCO is obviously feeling bad for LINDSEY but doesn’t want AMOS to see it.  She laughs weakly.

            COCO

Hahaha.

Quietly to LINDSEY.  COCO treats LINDSEY like another female in the trio.

I’m so sorry.

AMOS starts eating the cookies as he talks.

      AMOS

Hey Lindsey, what do you call a monkey in a minefield?  A Ba-Boom!!!!

      This scares her again

            COCO

I think you hurt her feelings.

            AMOS

How many times have I told you?  She don’t have feelings.  She’s a monkey!

      Turns back to LINDSEY

It’s always about you, isn’t it?  Nevermind who trained you.  Taught ya the steps.  Put the act together!

      The phone rings.  COCO answers it.

            COCO

Amos Moody Entertainment Incorporated.  Coco speaking.  Oh hi Mr. Wilkenshire.  Oh yeah, he’s right here.  Good to talk to you too Mr. Wilkenshire.

      Hands it to AMOS.  Whispering.

It’s for you.

He’s about to speak when she interrupts with another whisper.

It’s Mister Wilkenshire.

            AMOS

I gathered that.

      Goes to speak again, interrupted again

            COCO

He wants to talk to you about the oo oo ahh ahh.

            AMOS

I know.

            COCO

The monkey.

            AMOS

Got it.

      Answers phone

Hello?  Really, well that’s great news.  And the price? That’ll certainly do.  I can have her delivered in no less than a week.  We’ll leave first thing in the morning.  Nice doin’ business with you, Mr. Wilkenshire.

Ends the call.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are sneaking on behind.

Pardon the pun but life is about to get a whole lot less hairy for old Amos Moody.

            COCO

Poor Linsdey.

            AMOS

My days of playing second fiddle to a dancing monkey are coming to an end.  Cage!

LINDSEY runs into the cage.  AMOS locks her in.  She indicates that she wants some cookies.

     

Ohhh, the dingo is feelin’ hungry.  We’ll you’d better enjoy that feeling while it lasts cause once we get to Chicago you won’t be feelin’ much of anything.  You know why not?  Cause you’ll be de-

MAGNUS knocks something over.  BANDITO is hiding.  AMOS turns to MAGNUS who is shielding his face.

Who goes there?!

            MAGNUS   

No one.  Just me ... the town wanderer.  Wander wander wander.  I like your dog.

      He hurries off and ducks down conspicuously.

            COCO

This place give me the creeps.

            AMOS 

Just as well cause we’re leavin’ for Chicago first thing.

            COCO

Good. 

LINDSEY barely starts to make noise.  She’s hungry.

            AMOS

Quieeeet!  Ugh!  You’re so loud!  Why are you so loud?  You mutt.  Now go to sleep.

She whimpers as the lights dim and they both fall asleep.  Lights come up on BANDITO, MAGNUS and DARCY who have been watching from afar.  BANDITO hands her a spare gun.

            BANDITO

Okay, I’m going in. Keep your eyes open.  

            DARCY

What is this for?

            BANDITO

It is for just in case.

            DARCY

What are you going to do?

            BANDITO

I’m gonna kidnap that monkey. What did you think we were coming to do?

She holds up a roll of toilet paper that she brought in her bag.  BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other

            MAGNUS

Toilet paper?  You thought we were coming to TP the street performers? 

            DARCY

You said it was something illegal.

            BANDITO

Shhh.  Just stand here and shoot anything that moves that isn’t the monkey or me.

      A beat, still.

            MAGNUS

Or me.

            DARCY

I can’t be a part of this.

            BANDITO

Oh come on.  That guy is a jerk face.  We’re doing this monkey a favor.

            DARCY

I can’t.  I’m sorry.

She hands the gun back and leaves. BANDITO turns to MAGNUS.

            BANDITO

Can you believe that girl?

            MAGNUS 

Psh.  No.

            BANDITO

What a wimp.

            MAGNUS

Wimp city. 

Holds up his hand for BANDITO to hi-five.  He doesn’t.  BANDITO goes to talk, but MAGNUS continues.

She’s pretty much the mayor of Wimpyville.  If she got any wimpier we’d have to call the-

      Sees BANDITO counting

What are you doing?

            BANDITO

Sitting in traffic, listening to my alarm clock going off, colonoscopy … Oh are you done now?

            MAGNUS

That’s not funny.

      MAGNUS takes out his journal

            BANDITO

Cover me.  I’m going in.

PIANO narrates a sneaky tune as BANDITO walks into AMOS’s camp from his hiding place.  LINDSEY sees him and starts to make noise a little.  AMOS stirs.

            BANDITO

Shhhh!

PIANO stops for a moment.  She quiets down, watching him.  He goes over and steals the cookies from AMOS’s lap.  AMOS mutters something in his sleep.  PIANO continues as BANDITO walks over and gives the bag of cookies to LINDSEY.  She is super excited about it, makes noise.

Shhhh.

BANDITO pries the lock off and opens the door.  LINDSEY is afraid at first. 

It’s okay.  Come here.  Come on.  Come ooon.

LINDSEY takes his hand and steps out of the cage.  Once out, she looks around and then snuggles up to BANDITO for just a moment as if to say thanks.

That’s right, Lindsey.  You’re gonna be safe now. 

Suddenly she makes a noise like ‘goodbye’ and jets off.  BANDITO whisper-screams.

Wait!  Lindsey, stop.  Where are you going?!  Stop!  Monkey, stop!  Magnuuuuus!

Scene change features AMOS and COCO getting down to a funny beat but they’re still asleep.  Choreography.

SCENE:  MORNING AFTER THE KIDNAPPING

Main street.  BANDITO and MAGNUS end up running together middle of the stage, exhausted. 

            BANDITO

Anything?

            MAGNUS

No. 

            BANDITO

Ahhh!

            MAGNUS

That monkey is harder to track down than a Mormon with a mocha latte.  What are we going to do?

            BANDITO

I’ll tell you what are we going to do.  You are going to get out there and keep looking for Lindsey and I am going to lay down right here and take a nap.

            MAGNUS

A nap?

            BANDITO

Yes, a nap.  We have been up all night chasing a dancing monkey.  I need some rest.

            MAGNUS

What about me?

            BANDITO

Magnus, you are like 5 foot nothing.  You don’t need a nap.

            MAGNUS

What? 

            BANDITO

It is a scientific fact that children don’t need to sleep as much as adults. 

            MAGNUS

Okay couple things about that.  Number one: No. False.  And two: I’m an adult.

            BANDITO

Magnus, twelve years old is hardly an adult. 

            MAGNUS

I’m twenty-six.

            BANDITO

      To aud

Kids these days … always wanting to grow up so fast.

            MAGNUS

But- 

      Pulls gun.

            BANDITO

Go!  Find my Lindsey!

MAGNUS is writing furiously in his notebook as he walks off. BANDITO lays down prepping for a nap.  He’s scrolling on his phone. 

Oh Instagram.  I love you.  I don’t tell you that enough. 

To aud as LINDSEY walks on in the background eating a pickle sickle.

You know what I was thinking about the other day?  What did people look at before they had Instagram to look at.  You know, like back in the olden days with the cavemans and stuffs.  What did the cavemans look at on their phones when they were waiting in a doctors office?  Or during commercials?  Or when they had to see a man about a horse?  It’s okay, everybody does it.  What did the cavemen do when they were sitting in the passenger seat of a car?  Stare out the window? 

LINDSEY is closer than ever, looking over BANDITO’s shoulder at his phone.

Did they have an actual conversation with the other caveperson who was driving the car?  So primitive.

    Takes a selfie photobombed by LINDSEY

Hashtag blessed, am I right?

Suddenly PEITRA enters with a butcher knife raise.   LINDSEY shrieks. 

            PEITRA     

Come back here!  Evil monkey!  Bad monkey!

      LINDSEY hides behind BANDITO

            BANDITO

Lindsey!  Where have you been?!

            PEITRA

Bad monkey!  Bad, bad monkey!

            BANDITO

Pietra, why are you yelling at my Lindsey?

            PEITRA

Monkey steal Pickle Sickle.

      Grabs LINDSEY by the wrist and pulls her to him

            BANDITO

She was just hungry.

            PEITRA

In my country, thief no pay with money, thief play with blood!

      Puts knife up in preparation to cut off her hand.

            BANDITO

Peitra wait!  Look what’s that?

Points at his shirt.  PEITRA looks down, BANDITO flicks his face distracting him enough to grab the knife from him.  BANDITO pulls his gun.

Let her go.

            PEITRA

The monkey is thief!

            BANDITO

How much is a Pickle Sickle?

            PEITRA

Two dollar.

      BANDITO digs for some money.

            BANDITO

Here. 

            PEITRA

      Eyeing the money

… plus tax.

      Throws a twenty at him

            BANDITO

That’s a twenty.  Now let her go.

He lets her go and then counts the money.  Turns to her.

            PEITRA  

Thank you for business.

Blackout.  Music transition with LINDSEY dancing into mancave.

SCENE:

Lights come up on BANDITO and LINDSEY in his mancave. MAGNUS is there but he is way in the back corner holding a GoPro on a stick.  He is still scared to death of LINDSEY.  BANDITO has a remote in his hand and LINDSEY is sitting/crouching in his chair.

            BANDITO

Alright Lindsey, hip hop training session number one.  I just want to try this okay?

      LINDSEY reacts

No pressure.  We’re just hangin’ out, chooting the breeze, whatever … just do what is natural.

LINDSEY reacts again.  BANDITO pushes a button on the remote and on comes a hip hop beat.  LINDSEY is startled at first, unsure of where it’s coming from, but ends up liking it and starting to break down. BANDITO joins in the fun.

You like it?  Yes?  Magnus are you getting this?  After I win my first Grammy, this footage is gonna be worth millions.

Suddenly there’s a loud knock on the door.  BANDITO shuts off the music.

Shhh!

      She knocks again

            DARCY

Hello?  Anybody home?!

      A beat

            BANDITO

No.

      To MAGNUS

Quick.  Hide the monkey!

MAGNUS throws a sheet/blanket over LINDSEY’s head.  BANDITO opens the door.  It’s DARCY

Can I h-  Oh, it’s just you.

            DARCY

Can I come in?

      Walks past him

            BANDITO

No.  No you cannot. It is late and I am going to bed.

            DARCY

      Excitedly curious

Where is she?

            BANDITO

Who?

            DARCY

      Trying to read his face

Is she here? 

BANDITO steps between her and where LINDSEY is hiding.  They both step in front of LINDSEY.

            BANDITO

I don’t know what you are talking about.  Magnus, do you know what this woman is talking about?

            MAGNUS

Haven’t the foggiest.

A big huge loud monkey noise from LINDSEY.  Her body doesn’t move as she is still covered with the blanket like a lamp.  BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other

            BANDITO

Bless you.

      They move closer together to close the gap

            DARCY

I just want to meet her.  Pleeease?

            BANDITO

Okay fine.

Indicates for MAGNUS to remove the blanket.  He tries a couple times but can’t pull it off cause he’s so afraid of her.  Finally gets it on the 3^rd try.

Darcy Brown, this is Lindsey the dancing monkey. 

DARCY puts out her hand and LINDSEY comes and takes it, examining her.

Lindsey, this is Darcy Brown the little sissy girl who bails on her friends when she gets a little bit scared.

      LINDSEY is moving around, examining DARCY.

            DARCY

I didn’t bail.  I changed my mind.

            BANDITO

You wimped out.  You are a super sized wimp deluxe with a side order of wussy cakes.

      PIANO accent hit

            MAGNUS

      Sees his chance.  Hands her the gopro.

Since you’re here to assist with this I think I’m going to retire.  Fine evening to you both.

            DARCY

I didn’t mean to chase you away.

            MAGNUS

Not at all.  It’s- I just-

            BANDITO

Magnus is afraid of Lindsey.

            MAGNUS

Psssh. That’s ridiculousness.  She’s a harmless monkey.

            BANDITO

Lindsey, give Magnus a hug.

LINDSEY starts to go over there and MAGNUS freaks out like a girl.  LINDSEY isn’t even all that close to him.

            MAGNUS

Back!  Back I say!  Bad monkey!  Down boy!

LINDSEY stops and MAGNUS makes it to the door then turns back all cool as if to try to reconcile the scene he just created.

We will check you guys later, then. 

LINDSEY makes another friendly move toward him and he freaks out and runs away.  LINDSEY does something animalistic and DARCY shakes her head at the situation as she watches LINDSEY. 

            DARCY

      Sitting

I can’t believe you kidnapped the monkey.

            BANDITO

The monkey has a name.

            DARCY

Sorry. 

            BANDITO

Don’t say sorry to me.

            DARCY

      Turns to LINDSEY

I’m sorry, Lindsey.

      LINDSEY makes a cute face and noise

            BANDITO

She likes you.

            DARCY

She’s an amazing animal.

            BANDITO

And smart.  She’s so smart.

Turns quickly to LINDSEY who is chewing on something. PIANO out.

Lindsey don’t eat the furniture please.  Thank you.

PIANO blink blink blink continues.

It’s true what they say you know.

            DARCY

What’s that?

            BANDITO

      Holding up fingers to indicate the things

Having a pet is way more harder than having a baby. 

LINDSEY strums the guitar.

Lindsey, no.  Please don’t touch. 

She strums again and makes an excited noise. BANDITO gets up to save the guitar.

No that’s mine.  Please don’t touch.  No touchy.  Here you want me to show you?  Here.  Listen.

      He plays a chord.  LINDSEY reacts happy.

            DARCY

I think she likes it.

      Plays another.  She reacts again.

            BANDITO

Alright Lindsey.  It’s time for bed now.  You go to sleep, I play, okay?  Lay down.

She puts her head down, he plays a chord.  She jumps up excited and he stops.

Lay down.  Shhh.

She lays down again, he plays.  She jumps up, he stops.

No-  Lay down.  Sleep.

      She gets it.  Lays down

Now just shhhh.  Close your eyes.  This is a song that my grandmother used to sing unto me when I was a little Bandito.  I remember she would sit there in her chair rocking back and forth … stroking her mustache … and she would sing.

SONG:  MONKEY LULLABY

It’s time to just dreEeam

Kick back and just dreeeeeeam

By the time you wake

Things won’t be as bad as they seem

Just dream

Applause as lights fade.  Track plays hip hop version of the previous song.  We see MAGNUS walking down the street.  COCO jumps out with a gun and a skimask and in her best man voice says

      COCO

Don’t move!

            MAGNUS

What’s the meaning of this?

AMOS sneaks in behind MAGNUS with a gunny sack and throws it over his head.  MAGNUS struggles as the track plays loud and dim to a blackout.

INTERMISSION

SCENE:  AMOS and MAGNUS JOIN FORCES

Short overture.  Lights go up as they take the bag off of MAGNUS’s head.  He squints at the light.

            MAGNUS

Good heavens.  What is happening?  Unhand me.  Unhand me you fiend!

            AMOS

Say cheese.

MAGNUS stops abruptly to strike a hilarious pose as AMOS takes a pic with a phone.

            MAGNUS

I say.  This is highly irregular.

            AMOS

      AMOS reads as he types

Bring back my monkey or your friend gets it. 

      Shows it to COCO

What do you think?

            COCO

Maybe you should be a little more specifical.

            AMOS

It’s fine.  Send.

      A send sound effect

            MAGNUS

What are you doing?  I demand an explanation.

            AMOS

What’s it look like we’re doing?  We’re holdin’ you for ransom. 

            COCO

Ya.  So shut it!

Ding.  He reads the text.  Reacts, then reads it out loud. 

      AMOS

Who is this?

            COCO

Ya shoulda been more specifical.

            AMOS

Here.

            MAGNUS

Really sir, unhand me.  I –

Goes in and takes a selfie with MAGNUS.  MAGNUS poses again suddenly, hilariously, more ridiculous than the first time.

            AMOS

      Typing

The monkey, or he dies.

      Send. 

            MAGNUS

Wait, who dies?

            COCO

You die.

            MAGNUS

Dang it!

            AMOS

      Ding.  He reads.

Who is this?

      Writes back.

Whooo do you think?

      Send.  Ding.

Mom?

      Writes and types.

This is Amos Moody.

      Send. Ding.

Oh snap Amos thinkin’ he a hamster?

      Looks around, confused. Ding

Gangster. 

      Ding

Not hamster.

      Ding

Auto-correct lol.

A pause as he tries to decide what to do next.  Goes to type more and is startles when the phone rings.  AMOS looks confused but answers. Lights come up on side stage where BANDITO talks to AMOS on the phone.

Hello?

            BANDITO

Sorry it was getting kind of confusing so I thought it would be easier to call. 

            AMOS

Oh.

            BANDITO

It’s hard to read a person’s tone when you are texting.  Are you saying “The monkey or he dies,” like dead as in not alive or are you like, “he dies,” funny haha kind of dead like in a funny way?

            AMOS

I mean he dies like dead, dead.

            BANDITO

Hmmm.  Put Magnus on the phone, would you?

            AMOS

Right now?

            BANDITO

Ya.  Put him on.

            AMOS

He wants to talk to you.

            MAGNUS

Hello?

            BANDITO

Magnus?

            MAGNUS

Thank goodness.  I need your help.  You have to bring the monkey back.  They’re going to kill me!  I-

            BANDITO

      Making crackling noises

Oh sorry Magnus.  You’re breaking up.  What?

            MAGNUS

      MAGNUS continues to try to talk

These people have threatened to kill me if you don’t-

            BANDITO

      More noises

Sorry, I can’t hear you.  You’re breaking up.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow okay?

            MAGNUS

Wait no!  Don’t hang up!

            BANDITO

Okay bye!

BANDITO’s lights go dim.  A pause.  MAGNUS looks up at AMOS.

            MAGNUS

He hung up.

AMOS pushes redial.  Phone dial sounds and one ring.  BANDITO’s lights come back.  He now has an xbox controller in his hands, playing an imaginary game.

            BANDITO

Hello?

            AMOS

I think we got cut off.

            BANDITO

Oh, it’s you again.

      Pause

            AMOS

So what’s it going to be?

            BANDITO

You’re talking about the Magnus and the monkey thing?

            AMOS

Ya.

            BANDITO

      Pause.  Pushes pause.

Tell me this.  Would I have to come over like right now?

            AMOS

Yes.

            BANDITO

Ohhh.  Hmm.  That’s gonna be uh … that might be difficult.

            AMOS

Why?

            BANDITO

Well I don’t have any direct scheduling conflicts but …  Could we maybe do it another day?

            AMOS

No.  Right now.  Bring back the monkey right now or your friend dies.  Do you understand what I am saying right now?

            BANDITO

Yaaaa … I understand it’s just that … Uhhhh.  Can I call you back maybe after I think about it for a second?

            AMOS

What?  No.

            BANDITO

I’ll call you back.

            AMOS

No.

            BANDITO

Okay.

            AMOS

Wait!  When are you gonna call me back?

            BANDITO

      Thinks

Hadn’t thought about it.

            AMOS

I just need a time frame so that I can know when I should kill him … or not.

            BANDITO

You know what this getting too complicated.  Just … ya go ahead.

            AMOS

Go ahead?

            BANDITO

Ya … kill him. Go ahead and kill him.

            AMOS

Are you sure?

            BANDITO

Final answer, do it.  Kill Magnus.

            AMOS

I will do it.

            BANDITO

I understand.

            AMOS

I’m going to kill your friend.

            BANDITO

You win some you lose some.

            AMOS

He will be dead.

            BANDITO

You already said that. 

      Pause

Hey, thanks for the call though.

            AMOS

Okay.

            BANDITO

K bye.

BANDITO’s lights dim.  AMOS hangs up the phone in shock a bit.  Walks over and sits next to MAGNUS, unties his hands.

            MAGNUS

He told you to kill me didn’t he?

            AMOS

Ya.  Ya he did.

            MAGNUS

Well that just bites a big one doesn’t it?

            AMOS

Yep.

      Pause

            MAGNUS

May I offer a suggestion?

            AMOS

What?

            MAGNUS

Since it seems that killing me has been ruled out at this point as a viable solution to your missing monkey problem, why don’t we just kill him?

            AMOS

Bandito?

            MAGNUS

Precisely.

            AMOS

I hadn’t thought of that.

            MAGNUS

Really?  Cause I have.  Kind of a lot. 

            AMOS

Do you have any ideas on how we could pull it off?

            MAGNUS

I have a few –

      Plops down his notebook, turns evil.

-thousand.

      AMOS and COCO look at each other

            COCO

He’s a crazy person.

            MAGNUS

You have no idea.  Juanito Bandito death scenario number one:

SONG: HOW TO KILL JUANITO BANDITO

SEND HIM IN A PINATA COSTUME TO A QUINSENERA

REMOVE HIS HEAD – GUILLOTINE

DRAWN AND QUARTERED

INFECT HIM WITH THE PLAGUE

SNEAK INTO HIS ROOM NIGHTLY AND RUB SPF 150 ALL OVER HIS BODY, WAIT FOR A WHILE AND HE WILL DIE OF A VITAMIN D DEFICIENCEY

SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD WITH MULTIPLE ROUNDS OF CRYPTANITE BULLETS.  IDIOT!  THAT’S SUPERMANS’ WEAKNESS.  YOU’RE RIGHT.  THAT WOULD NEVER WORK.

TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND THEN – WAIT, IS THIS THE VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY THING?  NO.  TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND HOW DO VAMPIRES DIE?  STAB HIM IN THE HEART WITH A STAKE.  THAT’S ALSO HOW HUMANS DIE.

COCO KEEPS SAYING, COULDN’T WE JUST SHOOT HIM WHEN HE’S NOT LOOKING?

      This is before the final chorus:

            MAGNUS

Just one quick question about the monkey.  What does he plan to do with her?

            AMOS

Who?

            MAGNUS

Mr. Wilkenshire.  The collector in Chicago?

            AMOS 

He’s going to put her in his museum.

            MAGNUS

      Concerned

Do you mean, hopefully, a happy museum where animals have plenty of space to walk about?

            AMOS

No.  I mean a museum, museum.  Where animals are killed, stuffed and displayed.

            MAGNUS

He’s going to kill Lindsey?

            COCO  

For educational purposes.  He’s doing it for the kids really.

            AMOS

Is that a problem?

            MAGNUS

Well I guess when you put it that way.

      DARCY walks in and overhears

            AMOS

Don’t think about killing the monkey.  First let’s focus on killing the Bandito.

            MAGNUS

You had me at kill the Bandito.

            COCO

Come on fellas, we’ve got us a cake to bake!

     

They end up deciding to do it the usual way.  MAGNUS will throw him a retirement party and poison his cake.  Scene change.

SCENE: DON’T EAT THE CAKE

People are socializing with drinks as MAGNUS and AMOS huddle together downstage with a plate that has a piece of cake on it

            AMOS

Is everything in place?

            MAGNUS

Good to go.  All we’ve got to do is get the Bandito to take one bite of this piece of cake and he will be on his way to reap his eternal reward.

            AMOS   

      Indicating the other pieces on the table

But all of the pieces look the same.  How will we know which one’s been poisoned?

MAGNUS takes out a little flag on a toothpick and puts it in the cake.

            COCO

You’re a genius!

            MAGNUS

Yes.  Yes I am.

      PEITRA swoops in

            PEITRA

Hey pretty lady.  Is it hot in here, or is it just you? 

      Laughs

I saw that on internet. 

            COCO

Ughck!

            PEITRA

But seriously, how about a date?  Saturday maybe?

            COCO

Sorry I can’t.  I’m having a headache this weekend.

Walks away.  DARCY enters and locates BANDITO.

            DARCY

Where have you been?  I’ve been looking all over town.

            BANDITO

Hey Darcy! Welcome to my retirement party!

DARCY

You’re retirement party?

            BANDITO

Magnus decided to put it together out of the blue.  Isn’t that great?

            DARCY

      Looking towards the three killers

I need to talk to you.  I heard something.

      MAGNUS swoops in to distract BANDITO

            MAGNUS

What do you say, old boy?  Pretty spectacular retirement party, am I right?  Here, why don’t you try some of this delicious cake?

      BANDITO reaches for it but DARCY stops him

            DARCY

He can’t.

            MAGNUS

Why not.

            DARCY

Because … he’s gluten intolerant.

            MAGNUS

You are?

            BANDITO

No.  That is a lie.  I’ll have you no that I am the most tolerant person I know.  Black, white, gluten … whatever.  I have nothing against the glutens.

            MAGNUS

No, that’s not-

            BANDITO

In fact some of my very best friends are glutens so for you to say that I am somehow intolerant against the glutens … those are lies. 

      MAGNUS hands him the piece

            MAGNUS

So you can eat cake?

            BANDITO

Of course I can eat cake … when I’m at a four-year-old’s birthday party … or a wedding … or a linger longer. Magnus, this is a high-class celebration of my lifetime of bad guy awesomeness. Come on.  Cake?

            MAGNUS

      Thinking fast

But this is no ordinary cake.  It’s special.

            BANDITO

Special?

            MAGNUS

Yes.  I’ll explain.

      Getting everyone’s attention

Excuse me.  Excuse me, everyone.  Thank you.  As you all know, I’ve known the guest of honor for several years now and I’ve never met anyone quite as … as him.  He’s so … tall.   And that’s probably the nicest thing anyone could ever say about him. 

            BANDITO

Oh Magnus stop.  You’re gonna making me cry.

            MAGNUS

And so it is with my entire heart that I present you with this.

            BANDITO

Cake.

            MAGNUS

Not just any cake.  No no no.  This is traditional British retirement cake. It’s special.

            BANDITO

Really? 

            MAGNUS

Really.

            BANDITO

This cake is special?  You’re not making that up?

            MAGNUS

Wh-  haha – why would I make something like that up?  I would – what would be the reason?

            BANDITO

It does look delicious.

            MAGNUS

It is.  Enjoy.

            BANDITO

To my hip hop career.

They all mumble a response as he lifts the fork to his mouth.  MAGNUS is very close watching it.  DARCY senses that something is fishy so she interrupts.

            DARCY

Wait! 

            BANDITO

What?

            DARCY

Aren’t we forgetting something?

            BANDITO

I don’t think so.

            DARCY

What’s a British retirement ceremony without the traditional British retirement hymn.

            MAGNUS

Hymn?

            DARCY

Yes.  Everybody knows that you can’t eat your British retirement cake before you hear the British retirement hymn.  It’s very bad luck!

            BANDITO

What?  Magnus, is this true?

            MAGNUS

Ummm.

            BANDITO

I can’t believe you were going to let me eat this cake without first singing the hymn.  It’s like you wanted something bad to happen to me.

            MAGNUS

Noooo.  It just slipped my mind, that’s all.

            BANDITO

So?

            MAGNUS

So … ?

            BANDITO

So are you going to sing me this song so that I can eat my cake?

            MAGNUS

Oh yeah of course I am.  Let’s see I –

      Clears throat

Just a quick warning: Some people who hear this song don’t think it sounds like a real song … but it is.

      Clears throat, chickens out

You know I think I’ve forgotten the words.

            BANDITO

Does anyone else know the words?

            MAGNUS

Amos! Coco! You know the words.

            COCO

We do?

            MAGNUS

Yes.  Yes you do.

      He pulls them up in front of everyone

            BANDITO

I’m kind of excited to hear this.

            DARCY

So am I.

            MAGNUS

We dedicate this song to the guest of honor.  Can I get a note?

      PIANO plays a note and MAGNUS hums it

Is that- what note is that?  Is that an H?

They proceed to sing the English retirement hymn which is MAGNUS making up the song each night and AMOS and COCO following along as closely as they can with not only the words and notes but also the actions.  Hilarious. At the end of the song BANDITO is left as the only one clapping long after the audience stops clapping.

            BANDITO

Thank you.  Thank you guys sooo so much.  Not for singing but for stopping.  If you never sing another note in your entire lives … the world will be a happier place.  Wow. 

            MAGNUS

      Handing out pieces

Alriiight, I do believe it’s cake time is it not?  Everybody grab a slice.

Hands the flag one to BANDITO.  Everyone gets one.

Guest of honor first.  It’s British tradition.

      Goes to eat again but is stopped

            PEITRA

Wait!  I’m sorry to be “that guy,” but does it not seem that her slice is bigger than my slice?

      They look

            MAGNUS

Let’s … let’s not compare one another’s slices, okay?

            COCO

No, he’s right.  Hers is bigger.

            AMOS

Coco!

            PEITRA 

Who cut this cake?

            MAGNUS

I did.

            PEITRA

Were you drunk? 

            MAGNUS

No. 

            PEITRA

I demand bigger slice. 

            AMOS

You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

            PEITRA

But in my country we -

            MAGNUS

No one cares about your country!  This is America!

            PEITRA

-says the British smurf.

            MAGNUS

You know what Pietra- ?

      BANDITO steps in

            BANDITO

Please, you guys!  No fighting. Don’t ruin this for me.

            PEITRA

She has bigger slice!

            BANDITO

I know how we can settle this.  What do you say we play a game?

            MAGNUS

No.  Please don’t tell me you’re thinking what I’m thinking you’re thinking.

            BANDITO

Two words: Happy Sultan.

            PEITRA

      Agreeing, excited.

Happy Sultan.

            BANDITO

Happy Sultan?

            COCO

Happy Sultan.

            MAGNUS

This is bad.  This is so, so bad.

            AMOS

Am I supposed to know what this means?

            DARCY

The Happy Sultan.  Only the greatest dessert distribution game ever invented.

            AMOS

I’ve never heard of it.

            PEITRA

Do you live under a rock?

            MAGNUS

It’s so messy.  Can’t we just do rock paper scissors or something?

            BANDITO

No.  This is my party and I say we are going to play “Happy Sultan.”  Who’s with me, say I.

            ALL but MAGNUS and AMOS

I!

            BANDITO

Awesome.  I’ll be the gamemaker.  We duel to see who gets last pick.  One two three four five!

They all strike a ridiculous pose and hold still except for AMOS who just looks around.

Amos!

Everyone reacts “Amos” or “Amos it is” and starts spreading out on the stage.

            AMOS

I don’t know how to play.

            PEITRA

You know how to play baseball?

            AMOS

Yes.

            PEITRA

Okay … this is nothing like baseball. 

            BANDITO

      AMOS turns to BANDITO for an explanation

Pro tip: Take everything you know about every other organized game you’ve ever played and block it completely from your mind for the next ten minutes.

            AMOS

Can I at least get some sort of instructions?

            MAGNUS

There are essentially three things you have to remember to win The Happy Sultan.  Number one: Never flip a bluebird when the catcher is in the rye.

            BANDITO

      Laughs knowingly

Ya, you don’t want to do that.

            COCO

Classic mistake. 

            MAGNUS

Number two: Never look left on a triple play.  Understand? 

            AMOS

Um …

            MAGNUS

Of course you do.  That one’s self-explanatory.  Number three:  And this is a big one.  If you have a full house, do not pass go.

            AMOS

Pass go?

            DARCY

Unless you have a brown belt.

            MAGNUS

Right.  Obviously.  Unless you have your brown belt.  That goes without saying.  

            AMOS

Am I supposed to know what this means?

            DARCY

You will. 

            COCO

It’s pretty simple once you get the hang of it. 

            BANDITO

Everyone to your starting perches!

Musical intro as everyone gets into place leaving AMOS alone right in the center.  Music sustains.

            AMOS

What is happening right now?

            MAGNUS

Listen, there’s no time.  One of us has got to win this game.

            AMOS

What about the cake?  What about the poison?  I don’t even know how to play.

            MAGNUS

The Happy Sultan makes the rules.  Win the game and you’re the Happy Sultan.  Capiche?

     

            AMOS

No.  Not capiche!

            MAGNUS

      As he runs to his starting spot     

We must win the game, Amos.  We have to win this game!

Anytime they sing during this scene, it’s straight out to the audience with some simple, silly movement type choreography.

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

Solo: LOOK OUT FOR WHITE ELEPHANTS

Solo: WEREWOLVES Solo: AND THE MAFIA

All: AND THEN YOU WILL BE CROWNED ON THE THRONE

Music vamps as the game begins.  Everyone is spread out far apart on the stage.

            BANDITO

Question one.  What is three times five times seven –

DARCY tries to raise her hand to answer.  BANDITO waves her off.

Eh eh eh!  - minus the price of a ticket on the Pennsylvania railroad?

            COCO

      Counting on her fingers quickly, blurts it out

Seventeen!

            BANDITO

That is correct! 

            COCO

Yes!

Everyone golf claps

            BANDITO

You may transfer into the subsequent domain or cast a spell.  Which will it be?

            COCO

Spell please.

            BANDITO

Ohhh.  She goes for the spell. 

Everyone barks like a dog and slaps their knees. BANDITO holds out some playing cards for her. She chooses one, hands it to BANDITO.

Uh oh!  Queen of diamonds.  You all know what that means!!!

            ALL

The Rainforest Dungeon!!!

Suddenly everyone starts moving around the stage as either an animal or some sort of motorized machine.  Making noises and ridiculousness.

            BANDITO

You forget how much you love this game!

            DARCY

I know.

            AMOS

      To MAGNUS

What is going on right now?!

            MAGNUS

      Still doing his animal

We’re fine.  This is actually going quite well.  We’ve both got a really good chance of winning as long as no one calls a hog trough.

            AMOS

A what?

            MAGNUS

      Looks around and whispers

A hog trough.

            AMOS

      Louder

A hog trough?!

            BANDITO

Did somebody call hog trough!?

            MAGNUS

You idiot!

            ALL

      In unison

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

They run over and pick up a random piece of cake each.  As soon as they get their cake they become chickens.  Everyone holding the cake in their right hands.  No noise, just actions. 

            AMOS

Grabbing a piece since that’s what everyone’s doing

What is happening?

            MAGNUS

Just stay quiet and don’t-

Panic whisper to him, moving his cake to the other hand

Right hand!  Your right hand!!!  What are you trying to do, get sent to the penalty box?  Get your head in the game!

MAGNUS has the poison cake, which still has the flag in it.  Music continues

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

Solo: WHERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN

Solo: IS KILL THE DRAGON AND HIS KIN

Solo: AND THEN YOU WILL BE CROWNED ON THE THRONE

Suddenly we are in the middle of the round.  It’s as if we’ve moved forward in time.  Actors have lost shoes, removed some coats, one is holding a chair or something even more ridiculous.  BANDITO is the game’s MC obviously.  Some actors might have two pieces of cake.

            BANDITO

Pietra, for a chance to move on to the seventh realm of kings, answer me this.  Printing ink on purple daisies. 

            PEITRA

What is Leonardo DiCaprio in a yellow submarine?

            BANDITO

That is correct.

            PEITRA

Yes!

            COCO

Bamboozled!

            PEITRA

No!

COCO is proud of herself as she takes his cake.

            BANDITO

Well played Coco!  Everyone ready aaaand go!

Everyone starts to say something over and over like they’re trying to repeat it as many times as possible within a certain amount of time.  BANDITO is checking his watch.

Time!

They look around and see that COCO is holding up the number seven.  Everyone else has lower numbers. 

Coco!

            COCO

Yessss!

      Grabs AMOS’s cake.

I love this game!!!

      Music continues

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

WHERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN

Solo: IS KILL THE DRAGON AND HIS KIN

Solo: AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE DOMAIN OF DARKNESS,

OBTAIN THE SIXTEEN SIDEMAPS OF WIZARDRY,

FOLLOW THE PATH TO THE REALM OF FREEDOM AND

CONVERSE WITH THE TOAD-EATING PRINCE

ALL: AND THEN YOU WILL BE CROWNED ON THE THRONE

The game has progressed to an even crazier point.  People are in strange positions.  Key change.  Vamping.

      BANDITO

Magnus, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

MAGNUS looks distraught.  Puts up a timeout sign as he yells:

            MAGNUS

Point break!

This is like a time out.  Piano stops abruptly (ugly pound).  Everyone stands straight up and starts to sing “Did you ever know that you’re my hero etc” under their breath while closing their eyes, all together.

Permission to submit a conundrum.

            BANDITO

Permission granted. 

      Starts to walk towards BANDITO

Eh!  Stick to the code.

Remembers.  He does some ridiculous ritual before approaching.  Quietly so that no one else can hear.

            MAGNUS

How many lives is one allowed while warring against the settlers of Catan?

            BANDITO

I’m afraid that is a question that I cannot answer at this time.

            MAGNUS

I understand.

            BANDITO

-but I can tell you that the amount of lives you have depends almost entirely upon the number of unicorns in your pasture.  That’s all I can say.

            MAGNUS

You’ve said plenty.  Point break!

      They come back to normal as before

Fourteen.  Final answer.

            BANDITO

That is correct!

            MAGNUS

Yeeees!

      Everyone reacts.  Music continues

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

WHERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN

Solo: IS KILL THE DRAGON AND HIS KIN

Solo: AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE DOMAIN OF DARKNESS,

OBTAIN THE SIXTEEN SIDEMAPS OF WIZARDRY,

FOLLOW THE PATH TO THE REALM OF FREEDOM

AND CONVERSE WITH THE TOAD-EATING PRINCE

Solo: AND KISS THE THIRTEEN PRINCESSES

RECITE THE OATH OF HIPOCROSY,

BALANCE A PLATE ON YOUR HEAD WHILE

HOLDING YOUR BREATH FOR 98 SECONDS

ALL: AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE CONQUERED THE THRONE

      Key change.  Vamping.

            BANDITO

This will be the final question of the game.  For the win.  Darcy Brown.  Recite for me, in alphabetical order, the middle names of every one of the speckled frogs that sat upon the speckled log.

            DARCY

Let’s see.  Oh, I know this one.

            BANDITO

Ten seconds. 

            DARCY

Abel, Chadwick, Griffindor, Grimaldi, Gustov and Guttle … Leonard-

            MAGNUS

Uno!  She didn’t say uno.

            DARCY

No!  That’s not fair. 

            MAGNUS

I waited.

            DARCY

You didn’t even give me a chance to put my hands up. 

            MAGNUS

I waited the allotted amount of time. 

            BANDITO

He did.

            DARCY

That’s a stupid rule.  When we play H.S. at home we don’t even use that rule cause it’s a stupid rule.

            MAGNUS

Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

            DARCY

That’s a dumb rule.

            MAGNUS

You’re a sore loser.

      She sticks out her tongue or something

            BANDITO

Alright Magnus, for the steal and the Sultanship.  Complete the previous answer using only body movements and facial expressions. 

            AMOS
Sitting in the corner with a dunce hat that says “the dumbest of the dumb”

I hate this game so much.

           

            BANDITO

Aaand go.

MAGNUS does a short movement.  COCO and DARCY can say whatever they want.  It’s correct no matter what they say.

            COCO

Bunny on a hot tin roof.

            BANDITO

Correct. Number two?

      MAGNUS acts out another one

            DARCY

James bond at a bar mitzvah.

            BANDITO

Correct.  Number three?

      Another move

            PEITRA

Tom Brady for the touchdown!

      MAGNUS motions like “what?, are you blind?”

            BANDITO

Oh!  So close!

            AMOS

Are you stupid?  That was Homer Simpson wins the Heisman.

            BANDITO

That is correct.

            AMOS

      Realizes he’s learned the game

I get it!

            MAGNUS

      Lifting AMOS up in celebration

Yeeeeees!  Yeheheeeeees!  Winnnnner!

            BANDITO

Congratulations Magnus Ankleburt!  You have been measured and found worthy to wear the Sultan’s crown!

Music wraps up.  Everyone claps for him.  Indicating the cakes.

As you know, it is the Sultan’s responsibility to distribute the cake to his kingdom.

            MAGNUS

Don’t mind if I do.

Happily grabbing them from people and redistributing them

One for you and one for you and one for you and one for you and me and-

      Realizes there’s no flag on the cake anymore. 

     

Wait, where’s the flag?  Where’s the cake with the flag?

            BANDITO

The flag?

            PEITRA  

      Pulling it from his hat

Do you mean this?

            MAGNUS

You took the flag out of the cake?

            PEITRA  

It matches my blouse. 

            BANDITO

      They are starting to sit at the table

Can we eat now?

            MAGNUS

Just hang on for just oooone second here while I-  Just one quick second. 

Goes in front of the table sniffing all of the cakes. 

            BANDITO

Magnus, why are you sniffing my cakes?

Has two finalists.  Gives BANDITO one, then changes his mind and gives him the other one.

            MAGNUS

      Finally satisfied with his choice

Okay.  Let’s eat.

      He’s walking around to sit down next to AMOS

            AMOS

Are you sure?

            MAGNUS

I have the nose of a bloodhound.

PIANO rumbles.  BANDITO holds up his plate like a toast

            BANDITO

A toast to The Happy Sultan.  A game that is not only super fun and easy to learn, but it teaches us so much about ourselves. 

            ALL

Here here! etc

They all take a bite simultaneously.  PIANO stops.  AMOS, COCO and MAGNUS are staring at BANDITO. BANDITO clutches his chest.

            BANDITO

Oh.  Oh my.

            DARCY

      Concerned

What is it?

            BANDITO

Nevermind, I think it was just gas.  This is some really good c-

On the word cake MAGNUS hits the table, face down into his cake.  Dead.  No one moves.  No piano.

Magnus.  Magnus, are you okay buddy? 

Lifting up his head by the hair to reveal his wide open eyes and hilarious unmoving face covered with cake.

Magnus?

     

One note and they all pop the audience and sing.  In the course of this little song, the stage transforms into the funeral.  During the song AMOS doesn’t sing.  He takes out his phone and chats silently with “someone”.

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN

THE HAPPY SULTAN

THE DEADLIEST GAME EVER INVENTED

WHERE IT’S FUN FOR FUN’S SAKE

LEST YOU PLAY WITH POISONED CAKE

AND THEN YOU WILL BE DEAD

BUT NOT LIKE FUNNY HA HA DEAD

BUT DEAD LIKE NOT ALIVE COMPLETELY DEAD!

Alternate: hip hop beat happens that’s a minor version of the happy sultan song. 

SCENE: FUNERAL AND MARSHALL GARRETT

      PEITRA in front of coffin giving a eulogy of sorts

            PEITRA

In closing I am reminded of a thing he used to say almost every day: Death is not the worst thing in the world.  Zombies are the worst thing in the world.  Amen.  Take him away.

LINDSEY is covered in a cloak of some sort as the undertaker.  She removes the cloak and starts to wheel the coffin off.  BANDITO is causal at first.

            BANDITO

Lindsey, what are you doing here?

Realizes the situation.  PIANO hits a “surprise” chord.

Lindsey!  What are you doing here?!

LINDSEY shrieks and hides behind BANDITO pointing at AMOS who has a gun pointed in BANDITO’s direction.  Everyone gasps.  PIANO plays an evil theme.  Dun, duh dun etc.

            AMOS

That’s it, no more games mate.  Hand over the monkey.

BANDITO laughs at him.

            BANDITO

Oh Amos … Famous Amos.  You are even more dumber than I thought. 

            AMOS

I’ll shoot.  I swear I’ll shoot.

            BANDITO

      Getting ready to draw.  Supremely confident.

You are seriously underestimating my awesomeness.

LINDSEY goes in between them toward AMOS happily.  BANDITO is panicked.

Lindsey, what are you doing?  Lindsey get away from him. 

LINDSEY makes a noise and points at AMOS’s shirt and tricks him just like BANDITO tricked PEITRA.  Steals the gun.  Tah dah!  She now has the gun and waves it around happily, scaring AMOS and the others.

            AMOS

You stupid little mutt!

      BANDITO is on him with his gun drawn.

     

            BANDITO

Don’t talk to my Lindsey that way.  It hurts her feelings.

            AMOS

She’s a monkey!  She don’t have feelings!

Suddenly there are helicopter noises and spotlights all around.  Wind.

            BANDITO

What in the name of Mitt Romney is going on here?

            AMOS

Haha, yes!  I warned you, mate.  I know people, who know people.

      Up to the helicopters

He’s here!  This is him right here!

     

            GARRETT

      On a megaphone

Juanito Bandito, you’re under arrest.  Drop the gun and put your hands behind your head. 

            BANDITO

Never!

            GARRETT

This is not a suggestion.  The helicopter is armed.

            BANDITO

Ya well so am I.

            GARRETT

You’ve got to the count of three.  One.

Everyone yells at him in their own way to drop the gun and surrender.

            BANDITO

Juanito Bandito surrenders to no man!

            GARRETT

Two.

            BANDITO

I will die with a gun in my hands and a sick rap on my lips.

            GARRETT

Thr-

A gunshot from DARCY who has pulled her gun out.   Everything goes silent.  BANDITO is shocked, turns to her.  She gives him a quick look and then he puts his hands to his back and says.

            BANDITO

You have gotta be kidding me.

He falls dead.  Everyone turns to look at DARCY for an explanation.

            DARCY

What?

            COCO  

You shot him.

            DARCY

      Shrugs

He was asking for it.

LINDSEY runs over to BANDITO, concerned.  AMOS comes over and attaches the collar to her neck.

            AMOS

Come here you stupid mutt!

GARRETT speaks thru megaphone offstage

            GARRETT

Everybody keep your hands where I can see ‘em.  I’m comin’ in!

            COCO

      Taking off down the aisle

It’s the po po!  Run for it!

            PEITRA

      Following

Pretty lady, wait for me!!!

GARRETT comes in with two guns drawn pointing hilariously in every direction as he speaks.  Everyone’s hands go up including LINDSEY who is the last to do it.

            GARRETT

Hands up!  No monkey business, do you hear me?

      To LINDSEY

Do you hear what I’m saying right now!!!?  Answer me son!

            AMOS

If it isn’t US Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett.

            GARRETT

      Giving AMOS knuckles

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!

            DARCY  

Big Guns Bo Garrett?

            GARRETT

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!  That’s m’ tagline. 

             DARCY

You two know each other?

            AMOS

I know people who know people. Marshall and I go way back.

            GARRETT

Sigma Tau Alpha Beta.  ‘

      They do a quick secret handshake

            BOTH

Pals before gals!           

GARRETT

Now where’s the Bandito?  Lemme at him?

            AMOS      

That’s him right there.

GARRETT goes over and nudges BANDITO with his foot.

            GARRETT

What’s wrong with ‘im?  Is he sick?

            DARCY   

He’s dead.

      GARRETT backs away quickly, nervous about the body

I shot him.

            GARRETT

You shot him?

            DARCY

Yes I did.

      Extending her hand

Darcy Brown.

            GARRETT

Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett.  The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!

            DARCY

The man was a criminal.

            GARRETT

      Walking around showing off a bit for DARCY.

Yes he was, indeed he was, Mrs. Brown.

            DARCY

Actually it’s Miss ... not Mrs.

            GARRETT

Oh.

      Sees what she means

Oooooh.  Is that right?

      Strikes a dramatic pose.  Sexy voice.

            DARCY

Yes.  Yes it is. 

            GARRETT

I’m pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down.

AMOS grabs the leash again

            AMOS

This is getting a bit weird so I’m gonna go pack up the camp.

            DARCY

Before you go, Mr. Moody, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.

      Stops.  Annoyed. He was almost gone.

            AMOS

What is it?

            DARCY

Would you be so kind as to show us your monkey handlers permit?

            AMOS

My what?

            DARCY

Your monkey handlers permit. 

      Mostly to GARRETT

You know, the one you’re required to carry with you at all times while in possession of a live monkey? 

            AMOS

I uh ...

            DARCY

You do have one?

            AMOS

I do, but I uh ... I must have misplaced it.

            DARCY

Misplaced his monkey handlers handling permit?  Oh my.  That’s troubling, wouldn’t you say, handsome- I mean, Marshall?

            GARRETT

Troubling indeed, Miss Brown.

            DARCY

I mean, a man who handles a gorilla without the proper documentation ... what kind of man is he, really?

            GARRETT 

Good thought.  Good thought.

            AMOS

      To the aud or others

What’s happening right now?

            DARCY

It’s a slippery slope.  First he handles an animal without permits, next he’s skipping meetings for missionary farewells and pretty soon, well … it’s the next logical step.

            GARRETT

Immodest swimwear? (Leggings)

            DARCY

Worse.  Murder!

            AMOS

Murder!?

            GARRETT

Murder!? What murder?

            DARCY

Indicating the coffin.  Presenting her case like a lawyer.

The murder of Magnus Ankleburt.

            AMOS

What are you saying, Miss Brown?

            GARRETT

Let’s just have a look here, shall we?

Opens the coffin and is taken back by what he sees.  Jumps back trying to shake the image.

Woah!  Holy son of a sack of ...  That is one weird lookin’ dude right there, am I right?  I mean – sorry I just gotta-

      Takes another peek

Woah!  Good nuggets that guy is … unique in his facial features.  Woah that’s … it’s like a car wreck. You don’t want to look but you just have to look-

      Looks again

Oh! That is a face that only a mother could love but it would have to probably be a mother with very poor eyesight because wow ...

Shakes his head.

How did he die?

            DARCY

Poison.

            GARRETT

Poison?!

            DARCY

He was deliberately poisoned.

            GARRETT

By whom?

            DARCY

I was hoping that a man of your experience could help us find the answer to that very question.

            GARRETT

I have been known to round up a bad guy or two in my day.

            DARCY

So I’ve heard.

            GARRETT

      To LINDSEY

It was you wasn’t it? Wait. Nevermind, you’re a monkey.

            DARCY

Marshall, perhaps the guilty party might be located by searching for someone who is slipping in other areas of his life?  Animal handling permits and the like ...

            AMOS

Waaait, I see where this is going.  This is an outrage! 

            DARCY

Is it though?

            AMOS

Yes.

            DARCY

Is it really?

            AMOS

Yes.  I did not poison Magnus Ankleburt!

            DARCY

So you admit it?

            AMOS

What?!  No.  I deny it. 

            DARCY

You deny that you did not do it?

            AMOS

Yes.

            DARCY

      To GARRETT

He denies that he did not do it.  Double negative. 

            GARRETT

Guilty!

            DARCY

      Manvoice

Take him away!

            AMOS

What?!

            DARCY

      Quickly

Marshall Garrett you’ve done it again.

            GARRETT

Yes I have.

            AMOS

Hang on just-

            DARCY

You’ve solved the mystery!

            AMOS

You conniving little sn-!

            GARRETT

      Grabbing AMOS with a police move and cuffing him

Moody, that will be quite enough!  You’re under arrest.

            AMOS

But I’m innocent.

            GARRETT

Tell it to the judge!

GARRETT starts to escort AMOS off.

            AMOS

What about pals before gals!?

            GARRETT

      Stops. Gags him? as he says:

Dude we had it backwards.  It’s gals before pals.  It’s always been gals before pals.

Shoves AMOS offstage hilariously.  Turns to DARCY, taking out his phone.

So listen I gotta escort the prisoner back to Washington.  You wanna … swap digits.

            DARCY

Marshall what we have doesn’t require the exchange of phone numbers … if you catch my drift.

            GARRETT

Oh I catch it.

            DARCY

Do you though?

            GARRETT

Oh yeah.

            DARCY

Goodbye Marshall Garrett.

            GARRETT

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang! You’re gonna call me right?  Seriously, call me.

He exits. DARCY looks at BANDITO and at LINDSEY standing over him worried.  DARCY sits down calmly. 

            DARCY

That fall was a little dramatic don’t you think?

            BANDITO

As he sits up suddenly

It’s called acting.  Look it up.

      LINDSEY is super happy

            DARCY

Acting?  You fell down and held still. I was acting. 

            BANDITO

And I’m glad you’re a better actor than you are a shooter. 

      She hands him back the gun

            DARCY

If I wanted to shoot you, I would have shot you.

            BANDITO

What were you thinking?

            DARCY

I wasn’t.  I just had an idea so I went for it.

            BANDITO

      So proud

You followed your guts.

            DARCY

I saved your life.

            BANDITO

I don’t know about that.

            DARCY

Oh come on.

            BANDITO

I could have maybe taken that … helicopter.

Shows her his shooting tactics, funny.  She laughs.

            DARCY

So what now?

            BANDITO

Now … I need to find a new agent.

            DARCY

Are you offering me a job?

            BANDITO

Maybe.

            DARCY

I’ll think about it.

            BANDITO

What’s there to think about?  It’s gonna be the easiest job in history.

            DARCY

Easy?  You’re technically dead, getting your music career off the ground is going to be anything but easy.

            BANDITO

Not the way I see it.

            DARCY

Do explain.

            BANDITO

You know what sells more albums than a rapper with a dancing monkey?

            DARCY 

What?

            BANDITO

A rapper with a dancing monkey who just came back from the dead.  Hashtag winning team (blessed). 

            DARCY

I see your point.

            BANDITO

So what do you say?  You wanna join me for an adventure?

      She thinks.  He indicates to follow your guts.

            DARCY

I’m in.

            BANDITO

Yessss!  Let the awesomeness commence!!!

Goes right into the final song. 

SONG: DO THE MONKEY

      Song interlude:

            BANDITO

Take it away Pietra!

      Solo on the turntables with some sick dance moves

            COCO

Pietra?  Pietra, is that you?

            PEITRA

Hello, pretty lady.  Nice to see you again.

            COCO

Pietra, I didn’t know you had that in you.

            PEITRA

Me neither.  It turns out I am a tiger on the turntables.

            COCO

And how!  Say, you wanna go get a bite to eat after the concert tonight?

            PEITRA

I will have to check my schedule.

            COCO

Check your schedule?!

            PEITRA

Please do not take this the wrong way.  I am not saying you are gold digger but actually … I am.  You are a gold digger.

            COCO

But Pietra …

            PEITRA

If you liked it then you should have put ring on it.

            COCO

Pietraaaa!  I love you!

COCO chases PEITRA off. GARRETT comes in followed by AMOS who has a pooper scooper.

            GARRETT

Listen up felon! You got one job here and one job only.  Keep the premises clear of all monkey scat.  Is that understood?

            AMOS

Yes sir.

            GARRETT

I can’t hear you felon!

            AMOS

I got it!

            GARRETT

Good.  Now scat!

Sees DARCY dancing alone.  Smells his pits or breath or something and goes and starts dancing ridiculously next to her.  Takes her a second but he finally bumps into her and she sees him.

Oh hey … Heeeey!  You.  Long time no see!  You remember me? 

            DARCY

Big Guns Bo Garrett, right?

            GARRETT

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!  So I never heard back from you.

            DARCY

I lost your number.

            GARRETT

I thought maybe you had which is why I violated several international privacy laws in order to locate yours. Did you get my texts?

            DARCY

No.

            GARRETT

Weird.  That’s so weird cause I sent you like approximately 37 of them.  You didn’t get ‘em?

            DARCY

My phone is dead.  I lost my charger.

            GARRETT

Oh.  So you haven’t had a phone for like a week then?

            DARCY

Ya a week.  Sorry.

            GARRETT

So listen maybe after the con-

            DARCY

      She grabs her phone from her pocket

Hello?

      To GARRETT

Sorry I gotta take this.

      Continues the phone convo

Yes, the Tonight Show next Monday will work just fine.

            AMOS

AMOS has been watching.  Comes up, arm around his shoulders.

Pals before gals.

            GARRETT

Monkey scat!  Now!

      The number continues.

THE END

The miracle about to happen

This is the week.  It's the week where the miracle will happen.  Actually the miracle has been happening bit by bit each hour that we've worked on it, but the majority of the miracle will happen this week.  I know this is true because it has to be true.  The only other alternative is failure and failure is not an option.  Here is the list of miracles that will happen this week:

1- The script will be finished at least close enough to give to the cast and start rehearsals.
2- I will write and finish the tracks for at least 3 of the 7 songs that are in the show.  The songs planned are (and these are the names as they are currently in the script): I was meant to rap opener, Amos and Lindsey, Go for it, Monkey Lullaby, How to Kill Juanito Bandito, Don't Eat the Cake, Do the Monkey Closer.
3- I will find a dancer / actress to play Lindsey.  Right now we have no viable leads.  The idea has been tossed about of changing Linsdey to be a male monkey.
4-I will design and pass off the ideas for the set to our builder.
5-Costume designs will be finished and started.

Other business related miracles that will happen this week:
6- Sponsor letters will be completed and sent
7-Brochure designs will be finished and sent to print

I ran into a guy named Tyler Whitesides on Saturday.  He and his wife Connie were at Formosa at the same time we got there to eat lunch after Tanner's game.  They're big Bandito fans.  He also happens to be the author of the Janitors books that Carter and Tanner have fallen in love with.  We chatted about the creative process and deadlines and I can't really explain why, but it gave me a lot of confidence and optimism for the future. 

Some days I am completely positive that this will be the final Bandito.  Fewer days I have this foggy vision of the future that may or may not involve Bandito but it involves me using my creative abilities to make something amazing that will have a positive effect on the lives of millions. 

This is the week when the miracle happens.

New logo

So this is what Bodwa did today.  He's the best there is.  Maybe ever.  Maybe anywhere.  I gave him a few ideas that I knew he would dig and look what he made!  #skillz

Here is the show as it currently is.  Exactly 10 days from our first rehearsal.  I have the beginning of a few of the songs started.  Lyrics for a few.  It will take a miracle but I have a feeling we will be getting one.

SCRIPT 20150508 -(may 08 2015)

SCENE: PRESS CONFERENCE

Musical introduction and with a beat there’s a sudden spotlight on MAGNUS center.  He’s standing stooped in front of a press conference setup with a microphone and a snowcone/gatorade and a branded backdrop. All of the reporters are in matching navy and baby blue outfits with large rimmed black glasses.

On behalf of Juanito Bandito, I’d like to thank you all for coming to witness today’s big announcement which I’m sure will some day be written about in the history books.  My name is Magnus Ankleburt and I am Mr. Bandito’s publicist.  Mr. Bandito will read a statement and then take a few of your questions.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the one, the only, Juanito Bandito.

BANDITO enters in dark sunglasses with music playing in the background.  Camera flashes are going off.  He sits.

I am going to keep this simple. I have some bad news and I have some good news.  The bad news is that after much thinking and considerationing I have decided to retire from being a bad guy … effective today. 

The reporters start to shout questions and make noise.  MAGNUS comes forward to shush them.

            MAGNUS

Quiet please.  Ladies and gentlemen, please hold your questions.  Thank you.

            BANDITO

The good news is that since I am stepping away from the day to day responsibilities of being a stone cold killah, I will now have time to focus on my true passion.  My music. Rap music to be more specific.  In conj-  conj-

He looks over his shoulder and MAGNUS comes to read the word that he can’t pronounce.

            MAGNUS

Conjunction.

            BANDITO

Conjunction?

            MAGNUS

Yes, conjunction.

            BANDITO

That’s not a word.

            MAGNUS

Actually it is.

            BANDITO

No, it’s not. 

      Covers the mic

This is what I get for letting you write my speeches?  You make up words for to making me sound stupid? 

            MAGNUS

I didn’t make up-

            BANDITO

You’re fired.  Pack your bags.

            MAGNUS 

      Quietly under his breath

It’s a word.

            BANDITO

What?

            MAGNUS

Nothing.

MAGNUS takes out his notebook and jots something down. BANDITO continues.

            BANDITO

In conj-

            MAGNUS

Conjunction.

            BANDITO

In conjunction with this announcement, I am also excited to tell you that one week from today will be my first live performance featuring songs from my super-awesome album.  I will now take your questions.

            REPORTER

Mr. Bandito! 

            BANDITO

Yes?

            REPORTER

You’re the fastest gun in the world and the most successful semi-fictional Spanish outlaw in history. 

            BANDITO

Tell me something I don’t know.

            REPORTER

Why the sudden drastic change of interest?

            BANDITO

Let me try to es-plain.  As you all probably have read about, a couple of weeks ago I robbed a stagecoach that was transporting the Princess of Bhutan.

            REPORTER

A stagecoach robbery?

            REPORTER

The royal princess?

            REPORTER

How exciting!

            BANDITO

Yes, except not.

            REPORTER

Can you elaborate?

            BANDITO

I would love to, but I’m not sure what that word means.  Instead I will continue to give you more details about what happened.  You see, I rode up to the guards, pulled out my gun and told the men that I was going to rob the coach.

            REPORTER

Then what happened?

            BANDITO

One of them asked me who I thought I was and so I told them, “I am Juanito Bandito.”

REPORTER

And?

            BANDITO

They started to crying and ran away like a pack of little sissy girls.

            REPORTER

What about the Princess?

            BANDITO

I stole her money, her jewelries and her horses and do you know what she did?

            REPORTER

Scream?

            BANDITO

No.  She tried to give me her phone number.

            REPORTER

You’re kidding.

            BANDITO

I wish I was.

            REPORTER

Did you take it?

            BANDITO

She was super hot so yes.  Yes I did. 

      Checks his phone

Speaking of the devil. 

      Reads her text then takes a duckface selfie

Smiley face, panda bear, kissy face, raise the roof hands.

      Sends it and explains

She doesn’t speak English so we speak with emoticons.

      Puts phone away

What I am trying to say is that robbing the coach was easy.  It was too easy. It has all become too easy and that, my friends, is why I am done using my guns for to getting the things that I want.

      Calls on another reporter

Yes?

            REPORTER

Can you tell us more about your upcoming concert?

            BANDITO

Well, it’s next week and it’s gonna be awesome. 

            REPORTER

How awesome?

            BANDITO

So awesome. 

            REPORTER

Can you elaborate?

            BANDITO

I’m not sure, but I can tell you that you’re gonna see things on that stage that you have never seen before.

            REPORTER

Like what?

            REPORTER

Can you give us any hints?

            BANDITO

No hints, but I can promise you that it will be literally the most super-awesome thing you have ever seen in your entire life.  Like this will be your mind and I will be like-

      Blows

Blown.  … I am literally gonna blow your mind.

      Some vocal reaction from the reporters

            REPORTER

Mr. Bandito?

            BANDITO

Yes.

            REPORTER

Are you aware of the fact that you just misused the word “literally?”

            BANDITO

Are you aware of the fact that you are dumb?  Next question.  Yes.

            REPORTER

Are you-

Suddenly on runs PEITRA who is wearing nothing but a sign that has a website on it.  Some razzle dazzle music from the PIANO.

            PEITRA

Hey, hey, hey!

            MAGNUS

Woah, Peitra what are you doing?

            PEITRA

      Turns to MAGNUS and BANDITO

Sorry, friends.  Will just be a moment.

      Turns to the cameras and speaks

Hey everybody, my name is Peitra Crowchet from Peitra’s taco truck inviting you to join me for Taco Tuesday.

            BANDITO

Security!

            PEITRA

Come on down today …  etc

            BANDITO

Security!  Magnus, that’s you.  Security!  Please get this man out of my press conference.

      MAGNUS drags him off as he says his last line

            PEITRA

Mention the codeword cucumber and receive free pickle with your purchase!

            BANDITO

Sorry about that.  Are there any other questions?  Yes.

            REPORTER

Why do you want to become a rapper of all things?  Why not something normal and at least partially useful … like a dentist?

            BANDITO

A rapper is not something you become.  A rapper is something you just are.  I didn’t choose the music.  The music chose me. 

            REPORTER

Would you care to elaborate? 

            BANDITO

Pretty sure not, but I will give you further details.  It’s like this.

LEMME LAY IT DOWN LIKE IT IS

LEMME LAY IT OUT LOUD LIKE A DAD TO HIS KIDS

YOU SEE,

IT’S A STORY ‘BOUT A GUY WALKIN’ BY

WOKE UP, SAW THE FUTURE WRITTEN IN THE SKY

IT’S LIKE THIS

EVER SINCE I WAS A SMALL ONE

ALWAYS KNEW THAT THE BEAT WAS MY CALL SON

ALWAYS KNEW THAT ONE DAY

I’D BE IN THE LIGHT

BU-BUMP-BUMPIN’ WITH M’ PEOPLE

DAY AND NIGHT

COULDN’T SLEEP, CAUSE I WAS DREAMIN’ IT NIGHTLY

THE VERY THOUGHT GOT ME FEELIN’ SO RIGHTLY

A VISION, COLLIOSION, A LIGHT IN THE DARK

MY LIFE WAS A DRY BRANCH WAITIN’ FOR THE SPARK

AND NOW YES, MY TIME IS COME

TIME FOR JACK WIGGETTY WHACK MACK LYRICAL FUN

AND DON’T STRESS, CAUSE IMMA SHOW YOU WHERE IT’S AT

SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP

SONG: opening rap song – I was meant to rap

YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO WHEN YOU GOTTA DO IT

BE WHAT YOU GOTTA BE WHEN YOU GOTTA BE IT

SEE WHAT YOU GOTTA SEE WHEN YOU GOTTA SEE IT

SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY

BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP

Some men come and some men go

Some men fly and some are so so

Some men stick to things they don’t know

But I was meant to rap

Rap

Rap like a toga

Rap like a knock on your door I’m comin’ ovah

      End of song

            MAGNUS

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming.  That’s all we have time for today.  We look forward to seeing you at the concert next week.

The reporters wander off and DARCY approaches BANDITO

            DARCY

Mr. Bandito, can I have a moment?

            BANDITO

I’m sorry but I am a very busy man Miss …

            DARCY

      Handing him her card

Brown.  Darcy Brown.

            BANDITO

Darcy Brown.  The Darcy Brown?

            DARCY

The Times would like to do a full-page feature on your career transition.  I’m sure it will help garner interest for the concert.  Is there another time we can get together?  Over dinner, perhaps?

            BANDITO

Dinner?

            DARCY

If it’s convenient.

            BANDITO

Where?

            DARCY

Wherever you want.

            BANDITO

Mmm.  That is my favorite restaurant.

            DARCY

So it’s a date then?

            BANDITO

Yes.  I’ll have my people get ahold of your people.

            DARCY

Fair enough. 

      Turns to MAGNUS

            BANDITO

People!  Talk to this woman.  I’m going to my studio to lay down what my good friend Taylor Swift likes to call some sick sick beats. 

MAGNUS approaches her as light blacks out and scene change music plays.

SCENE - MANCAVE

Lights up on BANDITO’s mancave.  The awesomest mancave ever.  There are signed posters of Kobe, Taylor Swift and Dr. Dre.  There’s a hammock hanging in the back corner with a big screen tv and a fridge and a mini-basketball hoop.  A big manly chair with an end table and a lamp.

            BANDITO

Magnus, my friend.  Today is a very good day.

            MAGNUS

Indeed it is.

            BANDITO

I cannot tell you how good it feels to finally be walking down the path of my destiny. 

            MAGNUS

      Sitting at the table

The press conference was a good start to be sure.  What do you say we debrief?

            BANDITO

      Pauses, looking at MAGNUS

I’m hoping that that word does not mean what I am thinking that it means.

            MAGNUS

It doesn’t.  How do you think things went this morning?

            BANDITO

Fine.  I was awesome … big surprise. 

      Looking stuff up on his phone

            MAGNUS

The internet seems to agree.  According to our social media statistics, your big announcement created some major ripples.  No question there will be quite a crowd at your debut.

      He’s looking at his gun, nostalgic a bit.

            BANDITO

Good.

            MAGNUS

So you were serious about the guns then?

            BANDITO

What do you mean?

            MAGNUS

You’re hanging them up?

            BANDITO

Magnus, I am so sick of hearing people talk about my guns as if that is all there is to know about me.  Yes, I have very fast guns, fine, but there are other things about me that are awesome, right?

      MAGNUS doesn’t answer

Say yes.

            MAGNUS

Yes. 

            BANDITO

Mark my words: after I blow some minds with my sick raps, the world will know me not only as a man who is fast with his guns, but a man who is even faster with his rhymes.

      MAGNUS laughs/smiles/raises an eyebrow

What?  You don’t think I have fast rhymes?

            MAGNUS 

I didn’t say that.

            BANDITO

Give me a word.

           

            MAGNUS

What?

            BANDITO

Give me any word and I will rhyme it.  Any word.

            MAGNUS

I didn’t-

            BANDITO

      Draws his gun

An-y worrrd.

            MAGNUS

I thought you said you weren’t-

            BANDITO

      Shoots into the ground

Una palabra, por favor!!!

      A beat

            MAGNUS

Spoon.

            BANDITO

June.  … Give me another one.

            MAGNUS

Fork.

            BANDITO

Easy. 

      Points to MAGNUS

Dork.  Another.

            MAGNUS

Floor.

            BANDITO

Door.

            MAGNUS

Happy.

            BANDITO

Slappy. 

            MAGNUS

Sad.

            BANDITO

Dad. This is so easy.  I am so talented at this.

      MAGNUS gets clever

            MAGNUS

Chimney.

            BANDITO

      BANDITO can’t find one.

Umm …

            MAGNUS

Luggage. 

            BANDITO

I uh … smuggage …

            MAGNUS

Penguin.  Sandwich …  Elbow.

Improv time.  MAGNUS calls him out on his fake rhymes and BANDITO makes up their origins.

            BANDITO

You know what?  That’s enough of rhyming for today, but you get the point.  I’m a rapper. You can take the G out of the hood but you can’t take the hood out of the G.  Bayam!

            MAGNUS

      Does a little dance move

Ah yea, ah yea, ah yeah!

            BANDITO

What was that?

            MAGNUS

Just a little bit of swag home skillet.

            BANDITO

Swag?

            MAGNUS

What?  I got swag.

            BANDITO

Magnus, your level of swag is somewhere between oboe player and Hilary Clinton.

MAGNUS takes a deep breath and writes something in his notebook.

            BANDITO

Can we talk about my concert now?

            MAGNUS

Yes, please.  What do you have in mind for your big reveal?

            BANDITO

What do you mean?

            MAGNUS

That thing you mentioned in the press conference.  I believe it was something like, “the most super-awesome thing in the history of mankind,” or something of the like.  What is it?

            BANDITO

How am I supposed to know?

            MAGNUS

You don’t know what you were talking about?

            BANDITO

No.  That’s your job.  You’re the publicist. 

            MAGNUS

Ummm…

            BANDITO

I say stuff and the publicist makes it happen.

            MAGNUS

Traditionally that’s not exactly how it works.  You see-

            BANDITO

Magnus stop!  I forgive you okay? 

            MAGNUS

You forgive me?

            BANDITO

Yes.  I’m sure you will come up with something.

            MAGNUS

That’s not fair.  You know how I shut down under stress.

            BANDITO

Then I will help you.  Let’s do a mindshower.

            MAGNUS

A what?

            BANDITO

A mindshower.

            MAGNUS

Brainstorm?

            BANDITO

Yes.  That. What can I do that will blow the people’s minds? 

            MAGNUS

Umm.

            BANDITO

It needs to be something unique.

            MAGNUS

Yes.

            BANDITO

Something to make me stand out from the crowd.

            MAGNUS

Exactly. 

      In rhythm

            BANDITO

Mindshower, go!

            MAGNUS

Brainstorm.

            BANDITO

Whatever.

            MAGNUS

You coulllld wear a dress?

            BANDITO

A dress?

            MAGNUS

… maaade of bacon.

            BANDITO

Lady Gaga already did that.

            MAGNUS

Ooo!  You could act like a tough guy and marry someone who is hot.

            BANDITO

That’s Jay-Z’s entire business plan.

            MAGNUS

You could always go the Hannah Montana route?

            BANDITO

Hannah Montana?

            MAGNUS

Be as offensive as possible and make ugly faces while you stick out your tongue and ride on construction equipment.

            BANDITO

Don’t you mean Miley Cyrus?

            MAGNUS

Same person.

            BANDITO

Not in my book.  Hannah Montana is to Miley Cyrus as Anakin Skywalker is to Darth Vader.  Beware the dark side of the force.

           

He sits down in his chair to relax.

            MAGNUS

      Can’t believe he’s not more anxious

You do realize that the concert is in less than a week? 

            BANDITO

Magnus take a chillaxative.  We’ll figure it out.

            MAGNUS

You act like you think some big idea is going appear out of nowhere.

            BANDITO

Maybe it will.

            MAGNUS

Well I got news for you, bucko.  Life isn’t like that.  Solutions don’t just show up randomly on your doorstep with a flyer that says, “Hey, here’s your solution.”

Suddenly a knock on the door.  MAGNUS and BANDITO look at each other.  MAGNUS can’t believe it.  BANDITO is more cool about it.  He answers the door and there stands LINDSEY with flyers in her hand. 

            BANDITO

Can I help you?

She makes a monkey noise as she offers BANDITO a flyer.  He takes it and reads.

“Live street show performance featuring Lindsey the dancing monkey.”

LINDSEY does a ‘tuh duh!’ pose.  He looks at LINDSEY and asks

Today you say?

      She grunts again enthusiastically as if answering.

I’ll have to check my schedule.

She makes a bummed out noise.  He shuts the door.  MAGNUS is in shock.  BANDITO hasn’t realized it yet.  BANDITO walks slowly back, puts the flier on the table and sits.

So what were we just talking about again?

            MAGNUS

That was a monkey.

            BANDITO

Thank you capitan obvious.  

            MAGNUS

That was a dancing monkey.

            BANDITO

Yes.  Yes it was.

            MAGNUS

A dancing monkey just showed up on your doorstep.

            BANDITO

You act like this is a thing that does not happen on a regular basis.

      He gasps, realizing

This is not a thing that happens on a regular basis.

            MAGNUS

I know.

            BANDITO

Magnus, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

            MAGNUS

We need to go see that monkey.

            BANDITO

Yes.  And also, we need to go see that monkey.

They run out the door as the blackout happens with music to intro the scene.

SCENE: TOWN – AMOS COCO AND LINDSEY ENTER

Lights up on town street.  AMOS is corralling the people in front of a cage that’s all covered up.

SONG:  AMOS and LINDSEY

After the number PEITRA approaches COCO with a dead animal

            PEITRA

A possum for the pretty lady.

            COCO

Ah!  It’s a rat.  Please take it away.  Take it away.

            PEITRA

In my country, giving pretty lady dead animal is sign of respect.

            COCO

Ahhh.  That’s very sweet. 

      He extends it to her.  She’s grossed out still.

Do you have like a bag I can put it in or something?

He extends it again and she takes it and says as sincerely as possible:

Thank you.  Thank you so much for this … dead rat.

            PEITRA

Possum.

            COCO

Beg your pardon?

            PEITRA

Not rat.  Possum.  Delicious when cooked with ramen noodles.

            COCO

I’ll have to try that.

            PEITRA

      Kneels and opens a ring box

Pretty Lady, marry me.

            COCO

Come again?

            PEITRA

Marry me.

            COCO

I don’t even know your name.

            PEITRA

Pietra.

            COCO

Pietra?

            PEITRA

In my country I am known as Pietra, the Bear of Blitzgrenheigl.

            COCO

I can see why.

            PEITRA

Marry me.

            COCO

I don’t even know you. 

PEITRA

What do you want to know?

            COCO

What do you do for a living?

            PEITRA

Many things. 

            COCO

Are you a businessman?

            PEITRA

I am not a businessman but I am a business … man.

            COCO

Are you rich?

            PEITRA

Not currently.

            COCO

Then I’m afraid I have to decline.  I promised myself that I would marry a rich man.

            PEITRA

But, Pretty Lady –

            COCO

Is that a ring pop?

            PEITRA

      Covers it quickly.  It is.

No.

            COCO

      Leaving

Come talk to me once you’ve got enough dough to put some bling on that ring.

PEITRA is left alone eating his ringpop.  Blackout.

SCENE: mancave

Scene change music back to BANDITO’s mancave.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are there.  MAGNUS is dressed in a funny suit coat.  BANDITO is maybe dressed up a little as well.

            MAGNUS

Are you sure this isn’t a trite much?

            BANDITO

No.  We have to show this man that we are serious players in this monkey business.

            MAGNUS

It doesn’t fit.

            BANDITO

Is it my fault that your mother married a Harry Potter house elf? 

            MAGNUS

My father was not an elf.

            BANDITO

Are you sure?

            MAGNUS

      Admitting defeat

No.

      A knock. 

            BANDITO

Do not speak unless you are spoken to.

BANDITO answers.  It’s AMOS and LINDSEY.

Amos Moody!  Thank you so much for agreeing to come on such short notice.  Or I guess as they say in your country, “Thank you for agreeing to come on such short notice.”  Do they do the kissing the cheeks thing in Australia?

            AMOS

No, not really.

            BANDITO

Good.  I’m super glad about that.

            AMOS

Nice setup you have here.

BANDITO sees LINDSEY who is following AMOS into the room.

            BANDITO

Oh my good night look at – look at this gorilla.  She’s beautiful.  You are beautiful.  Can she understand me?

            AMOS

She’s a monkey.

            BANDITO

So … ?

            AMOS

She don’t speak English.

            BANDITO

Oh right.  Australian.

      Louder and with actions and a bad accent

You are beautiful!  Let’s put another shrimp on the bar-

MAGNUS clears his throat trying to help the situation

This is my publicist, Magnus Ankleburt.

            MAGNUS

A pleasure to meet you both.  Your performance was exquisite and might I say that-

            BANDITO

Shuuuut …  your mouth!  This guy.  He just talks and talks and talks and doesn’t know when to stop.  You know what I have to do sometimes when he starts talking?  I distract myself by making a list of all of the things I would rather do than listen to him talking.  I’m like “remove a wart, root canal, trigonometry,” and by the time I get to “watch movie starring Nicholas Cage” he’s usually finished. Please have a seat.

MAGNUS writes in notebook.  AMOS speaks at first to LINDSEY.  During this scene she starts next to AMOS but moves back at some point to torment MAGNUS who is scared to death of her.

            AMOS

Lindsey, sit.  Stay.

            BANDITO

Mr. Amos if it’s okay with you I’d like to cut right to the cheese. 

            AMOS

You would?

            BANDITO

I would.  I want to buy your monkey.

      AMOS doesn’t react

You don’t look surprised.

            AMOS

That’s because I’m not.

            BANDITO

The way I see it, you can sell me the monkey for more than you make in a year of performing on the streets and this will give you time to pursue your other interests and talents.  Like … alligator wrestling or boomerang throwing or you could audition to be the next Crocodile Dundee.  Those are just a few ideas.

            AMOS

How much money are we talking about?

            BANDITO

I know that it might be hard to say goodbye to a dear friend but you have to remember-

            AMOS

I’m not worried about that.

            BANDITO

You’re not?

            AMOS

Mate, she’s a monkey.  It’s not like she has feelings or anything.

They laugh although BANDITO is not so sure he agrees.  This is not what he expected.

            BANDITO

I’m glad you feel that way. 

            AMOS

How much?

            BANDITO

      Writing a number on a piece of paper

Here is what I am prepared to offer you.

Slides the paper across to AMOS after writing a number.  AMOS reads it and laughs.

            AMOS

I thought you said you were serious.

            BANDITO

I am serious.

            AMOS

      Hands back the paper

Then show me.

            BANDITO

Fine.

      BANDITO writes another figure and gives it to him

            AMOS

That’s not enough.

      BANDITO thinks he’s getting played

            BANDITO

What do you mean not enough?!

            AMOS

I have another offer.

            BANDITO

Really?

            AMOS

A gentleman in Chicago.  In fact I’m on my way to drop off the goods right now.  Just stoppin’ in a couple towns to make a bit of pocket change before I cash her in.

      BANDITO thinks he’s lying but makes one more offer

            BANDITO

Fine.  But this is my final offer.

Slides paper across.  AMOS reads it, finishes his drink then stands and offers his hand.

            AMOS

It was nice meeting you.

            BANDITO

Wait!  Name your price.

            AMOS

Alright.

AMOS takes the paper from him and writes a number.  Slides it across to him.

            BANDITO

Are you kidding me?  Tell me this is a joke or else I swear, I’m gonna walk away and buy my dancing monkey somewhere else.

            AMOS

That’s the price, Mate.

            BANDITO

Never in my life have I paid this much for a monkey.

            AMOS

She’s a dancing monkey. 

            BANDITO

I don’t care if she dances.  I don’t care if she washes my dishes.

            AMOS

She will.

            BANDITO

I don’t care if she spits gold nuggets and poops Cadbury cream eggs! 

            AMOS

That’s the price.

            BANDITO

Look, Amos Moody … I don’t think you understand.  My name is Juanito Bandito.

            AMOS

I know who you are.

            BANDITO

      Walking over and putting on his holster

Then you will understand what I am saying when I say unto you that this is a take it or lose it proposition.

            AMOS

Are you threatening me?

            BANDITO

Does this answer your question?

Does a quick fire with someone shooting the gun offstage.

      AMOS

No, actually it doesn’t.

            BANDITO

How about this?

      Does it again.

            AMOS

Still not understanding.

            BANDITO

Maybe this will help.

      One more time

            AMOS

I get that you’re trying to get some point across with all of this wasteful gunfire, but I’m still kinda like whaaaaa?

            BANDITO

      Quickly

I’m showing you how fast I am with my gun!

            AMOS

Oh …

            BANDITO

And that makes you intimidated because you know that if I want to I can use my fast guns to choot choo.

            AMOS

You don’t scare me, mate.

            BANDITO

      Grabbing his arm

Are you sure about that?

            AMOS

Be careful Bandito.  I know people … who know people.

            BANDITO

      Big pause, dramatic

What?

            AMOS

Lindsey come.

By now, LINDSEY has MAGNUS cornered up on a chair or something.  It’s been a slow process of LINDSEY getting closer and MAGNUS trying to stay away from her all scene.

            BANDITO

I thought you were a smart man, famous Amos.

            AMOS

Well it looks like you were wrong. 

      Thinks about clarifying but decides not to

Good day.

AMOS and LINDSEY leave.  MAGNUS calms down a bit after having been tormented by LINDSEY.

            BANDITO

What do you think he meant when he said that he knows people who know people?

            MAGNUS

Well that could have gone better.

            BANDITO 

Really?  I thought it went really well.

            MAGNUS

Really.

            BANDITO

No.

SCENE:  PEITRA and COCO

COCO is doing yoga center stage.  PEITRA comes in with another dead animal.  She has her eyes closed.  He kneels and offers her the animal.  She opens her eyes and shrieks.

            PEITRA

Marry me, Pretty Lady.

            COCO

You can’t sneak up on a girl like that.

            PEITRA

I apologize.  Marry me.

            COCO

Listen pal, I already told you before.  I can’t marry you.  You’re poor.

            PEITRA

I may not be rich … but I have good ideas.

            COCO

Oh really?

            PEITRA

Very good ideas.  A beautiful head full of beautiful ideas.

            COCO

Tell me one.

            PEITRA

Last night for example, I am lying in bed and I have thought.  I think: what if I started internet website where people from all over the world will gather and interact with virtual “friends.”  There will be pictures and videos and random political postings from people that make you wonder why you agreed to be their friend in first place.  It will be extremely addicting and distracting causing a worldwide decrease in human productivity.  I will call it facepage … that is just one example of good ideas.

            COCO

What was your name again?

            PEITRA

Peitra, pretty lady.

            COCO

Peitra, can I be blunt?

            PEITRA

Yes please.

            COCO

It sounds to me like you need to get your head out of the clouds.  That idea is a stupid idea, but thank you for the rabbit.

            PEITRA

Raccoon.

      As she walks away.  PEITRA is bummed.

            COCO

An addicting social website that encourages time-wasting and decreases human productivity?  What kind of idiot would you have to be to sign up for that?

      Blackout

SCENE: DARCY and BANDITO

BANDITO and DARCY are sitting at a table eating at a makeshift restaurant.  BANDITO just finished a story.

      DARCY

No way.

            BANDITO

Yes way.

            DARCY

Please tell me you made that up.

            BANDITO

I wish I did.

            DARCY

That’s the most unbelievable and also kind of super gross story I’ve ever heard.

      A pause, BANDITO chuckles

She was your sister?

            BANDITO

I did not even know I had a sister!

      Going through the pages of notes she just took

            DARCY

Wow … this is … mistaken identities, magical potions, pirates, … pink bunnies … Your life is kind of amazing.

            BANDITO

Amazing is my middle name.

            DARCY

      She laughs then thinks he’s serious.

Wait.  Is it really?

            BANDITO

      He tricked her kind of

No.  But it should be.

Laughs at the joke. Thumbing through her notes.

            DARCY

I think I’ve got plenty here to get me started. 

      Looks at him.  Pauses.

Maybe just one more question.

            BANDITO

Fire away.

            DARCY

You’re the most feared outlaw in history.

            BANDITO

I rock.  No duh.  Sorry, what was the question?

            DARCY

You’re the best in your business and now all of the sudden you want to give it all up to become … a rapper of all things? 

            BANDITO

It is time for a new adventure.

            DARCY

There has to be more to the story than that.

            BANDITO

Actually not really.  I wake up one morning and I am like, “my life is kind of boring,” and so I say, “time for something new.”

            DARCY

And what if it doesn’t work out?

            BANDITO

Anyone who doesn’t think it’s gonna work out is seriously underestimating my awesomeness.  And you can quote me on that.

            DARCY

Can I tell you something?  And I don’t even know why I’m saying this.

            BANDITO

What?

            DARCY

That feeling … that inner … whatever it is that makes you want to reach for something new and exciting … I know exactly what that feels like.

            BANDITO

Really?

            DARCY

Really. 

            BANDITO

But you’ve been all over the world.  You’ve covered wars and elections, and sporting events. Good night you were on the sideline when the Yeshawks threw away the superbowl.

            DARCY

You mean the Seahaws?

            BANDITO

Si.  That’s what I said.  The YesHawks.

            DARCY

Reporting on something remarkable is a lot different than doing something remarkable.

            BANDITO

I never thought about it like that.

      Music begins

            DARCY

The problem is that by nature I’m not an adventurer.  I’m an observer. And I’ve always been fascinated by people who can just throw caution to the wind and accomplish these amazing feats even though they usually didn’t have all of the facts to begin with.

            BANDITO

You wait for all of the facts and most of the time your chance has already passed.

            DARCY

I understand it in theory.

SONG: JUST GO FOR IT

LIKE THINK OF DAVID

DAVID?

THE ONE WITH THE GIANT

FROM THE BIBLE?

ONE DAY HE’S SITTIN’ IN A FIELD JUS’ WATCHIN’ SHEEP AND THEN

THE NEXT THING

HE’S FACED WITH A GIANT

ALL HE’S GOT’S A BAG OF ROCKS AND A SLINGSHOT

THE GIANT CALLS OUT FOR ALL TO HEAR

LET ONLY THE STRONGEST OF MEN COME NEAR

AND WHAT DOES DAVID DO?

HIS LIFE IS ON THE BRINK

THE ODDS ARE STACKED AGAINST HIM

YET HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK

HE JUST GOES FOR IT

HE GOES FOR IT

THROWS HIS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND JUST FIGHTS

DOESN’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT’S HE’S PROBLY GONNA DIE

HE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE HE JUST LETS IT FLY

HE JUST GOES FOR IT, MAN HE GOES FOR IT

HE PUT HIS HEAD DOWN AND HE ACTS AND HOOOOW

HE’S IRRAT-ION-AL,

ILL-LOG-IC-AL

COMPLETELY CERTIFIABLY INSANE AND YET WHEN THE DUST CLEARS

THERE HE STANDS

A HERO

            DARCY

It’s as if he knew he was going to win in the first place.  How did he know?

            BANDITO

He didn’t.  You answered your own question. Sometimes you have to forget about the odds and the facts and just make a choice.  You have to just go for it.

            DARCY

That’s a very romantic notion but it doesn’t always work out in practice.

            BANDITO

            BANDITO

What do you mean?

            DARCY

Sometimes the facts are your friends.

            BANDITO

Would you care the elab-  Elabr-

            DARCY

Elaborate?

            BANDITO

Yes, that.

            DARCY

Absolutely.

THINK OF ROMEO

THE ONE WITH THE GIRLFRIEND

HE FELL IN LOVE WITH JULIET

AND VOWED TO BE HER PRINCE

BUT THEN THE NEXT DAY

HE WENT TO THE CHAPEL

HE THOUGHT HIS LOVE WAS DEAD

BUT SHE WAS SLEEPING

-HE SAW HIS LOVE ASLEEP AND GOT

-TO THINKIN’ SHE WAS DEAD

HE CRIED AND MOANED IN LOVESTRUCK SORROW

HE STARTED TO THINKIN THERE WAS NO TOMORROW

AND WHAT DOES ROMIE DO

WHEN HIS WITTS ARE ON THE BRINK

HE’S GOT A VILE OF POISON

AND HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK

HE JUST GOES FOR IT

MAN HE GOES FOR IT

THROWS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND DONE DEAL

HE DOESN’T CARE THE CALCULATE

THE FACTS THAT MIGHT BE MISSIN’

THE COUPLE ENDS UP DYIN’

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE ENDED KISSIN’

HE GOES FOR IT, YA HE GOES FOR IT

HE ACTS AND HE ENDS UP DEAD

ETC

Come on Romeo, have a little patience, am I right?  Get a doctor to examine her medically first.

… or at very least maybe check her pulse. 

So you see?  How do you know when to check the facts versus just taking a blind leap?

You have to follow your guts.

My guts?

Es muy sencillo. You listen carefully to what your guts is telling you and then you do it. 

You mean your instincts.

Same diff.  For example, my guts usually is telling me things like, steal that or shoot that guy or write some sick raps.

Hmm.

As long as I listen my guts, everything usually turns out for the best. 

SO LETS IMAGINE

OKAY

A HERALDED WRITER

LIKE YOU?

SHE’S ITCHIN FOR ADVENTURE BUT SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE THE GUTS

SHE’S DETERMINED

BU

I WANNA JUST GO FOR IT, GO FOR IT

I WANNA DO SOMETHING IRRATIONAL AT LEAST

I WANT TO LIVE SOME RARE ADVENTURE

WANNA SEE WHAT IT’S ABOUT

I’M WALKING TO THE EDGE AND THEN I’M JUMPING … LOOK OUT!

I GO FOR IT, YA I JUST GO FOR IT

I’M EVERYTHING I WANNA BE AND HOW!

      End of song

Okay Darcy Brown.  I am going to do you a favor.

Is that right? 

And let me just say this in advance … you’re welcome. 

      She laughs

I am taking you on an adventure.

Oh really?

Yes. I need some help with a little … project I am working on.  It is for a very good cause.

Sounds intriguing.

It is.

Will it be dangerous?

Danger is my middle name. 

      She pulls a face

Juanito Amazing Danger Bandito.  True story.

Will it be something illegal?

If I tell you that it is, will you say no?

Probably.

Then I will not tell you.

      She laughs

What is it?

No more questions.  Say yes. 

But what if-

      Making fun

No more but what if’s!  But what if I get sick?  But what if I get hurt?  But what if I get obstructed by aliens?  You can “but what if” until the cows come home. Listen to your guts. 

      Gets serious

Look at me Darcy Brown.  What is your guts saying to you right now?

      She thinks hard.  The joke is subtle.

Really? … Tacos???

      They both laugh at her funniness

Okay fine. I’m in.

Yes!  That is the spirit.  Meet me back here in one hour.

      BANDITO heads out

But what if-

No more but what ifing!  One hour and you will have your adventure.

She leaves and PEITRA and COCO enter oblivious to DARCY who leaves.

            COCO

Tell me again how it will work?

      PEITRA

For low monthly fee you will be able to stream unlimited movies and tv shows to any device anywhere in the world. I will call it Net-movies or Internet-flix.  What do you think?

            COCO

Who in their right mind would pay for a convenient online service like that when all you have to do is get you wallet, get in the car, drive into town, walk into Blockbuster, spend 15-30 minutes walking around the store physically searching for the movie you want which is hopefully available and not already rented out?  After you make your selection, you simply wait in line to pay for rental and hopefully you don’t forget to bring it back within 48 hours or you will have to pay late fees.  Sorry Pietra but the internet movies idea doesn’t have a chance.  Trust me.  Blockbuster Video is here to stay, my friend. 

      Blackout.  Scene change music.

SCENE: AMOS’S CAMP

Lights up at nighttime on AMOS and COCO talking.  LINDSEY is nowhere to be seen.

            AMOS

And then he says to me, ‘this is a take it or lose it proposition.’  Who does he think he is?  I had half a mind to punch his teeth in.

            COCO

Well it’s probably a good thing you didn’t.  Man like that you never know what he’s capable a doin’.

            AMOS

He don’t scare me. 

            COCO

Well he does me. 

            AMOS

Lindsey?!!

Out comes LINDSEY with bag of cookies unopened.  AMOS talks to her and at first we think he is being nice.

There’s my little girl.  Yes, there you are.  Bring it on over now, ya like a good girl.  Thank you.

      Suddenly very hostile in an attempt to scare her

Now get lost!

      LINDSEY jumps.  AMOS laughs rudely.

Hahahaha!  Stupid mutt.  Did you see her jump?  Hahahaha!

COCO is obviously feeling bad for LINDSEY but doesn’t want AMOS to see it.  She laughs weakly.

            COCO

Hahaha.

Quietly to LINDSEY.  COCO treats LINDSEY like another female in the trio.

I’m so sorry.

AMOS starts eating the cookies as he talks.

      AMOS

Hey Lindsey, what do you call a monkey in a minefield?  A Ba-Boom!!!!

      Scares her again

            COCO

You’re hurting her feelings.

            AMOS

How many times have I told you?  She don’t have feelings.  She’s a monkey for crikey sake.

      Turns back to LINDSEY

It’s always about you, isn’t it?  Nevermind who trained you.  Taught ya the steps.  Put the act together!

      He sees that LINDSEY is eyeing the cookies

You want some cookies?  Do ya?  Here you go.

      Pulls it back and eats it

Get lost! Ya mutt.  Hahahaha!

      The phone rings.  COCO answers it.

            COCO

Amos Moody Entertainment Incorporated.  Coco speaking.  Oh hi Mr. Wilkenshire.  Oh yeah, he’s right here.  Good to talk to you too Mr. Wilkenshire.

      Hands it to AMOS.  Whispering.

It’s for you.

He’s about to speak when she interrupts with another whisper.

It’s Mister Wilkenshire.

            AMOS

I gathered that.

      Goes to speak again, interrupted again

            COCO

He wants to talk to you about the oo oo ahh ahh.

            AMOS

I know.

            COCO

The monkey.

            AMOS

Got it.

      Answers phone

Hello?  Really, well that’s great news.  And the price? That will do.  That’ll certainly do.  I can have her delivered in no less than a week.  We’ll leave first thing in the mornin’.  Nice doin’ business with you, Mr. Wilkenshire.

Ends the call.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are sneaking on behind.

It’s a done deal. 

            COCO

      Sad.  She knows what it means.

Oh no.

            AMOS

Oh yes.  Life is about to get a whole lot brighter for old Amos Moody.

            COCO

It’s so sad.

            AMOS

Maybe for her, but not for me.  I’ve had enough of playin’ second fiddle to a dancing monkey.  Cage!

LINDSEY runs into the cage.  AMOS locks her in.  She indicates that she wants some cookies.

     

Ohhh, the dingo is feelin’ hungry.  We’ll you’d better enjoy that feeling while it lasts cause once we get to Chicago you won’t be feelin’ much of anything.  You know why not?  Cause you’ll be d-

MAGNUS knocks something over.  BANDITO is hiding.  AMOS turns to MAGNUS who is shielding his face.

Who goes there?!

            MAGNUS   

No one.  Just passing through.  That’s a beautiful … dog.  What breed is it?

Monkey.

Mmm.  Nice.  Okay well, bye.

      He hurries off and ducks down conspicuously.

            COCO

This place give me the creeps.

            AMOS 

Just as well cause we’re leavin’ first thing.

            COCO

Good. 

      LINDSEY barely starts to make noise

            AMOS

Quieeeet!  Ugh!  You’re so loud!  Why are you so loud?  You mutt.  Now go to sleep.

She whimpers as the lights dim and they both fall asleep.  Lights come up on BANDITO, MAGNUS and DARCY who have been watching from afar.  BANDITO hands her a spare gun.

            BANDITO

Okay, I’m going in. Keep your eyes open.  

            DARCY

What is this for?

            BANDITO

It is for just in case.

            DARCY

What are you going to do?

            BANDITO

I’m gonna kidnap that monkey. What did you think we were coming to do?

She holds up a roll of toilet paper that she brought in her bag.  BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other

            MAGNUS

Toilet paper?  You thought we were coming to TP the street performers? 

            DARCY

You said it was something illegal.

            BANDITO

Just stand here and shoot anything that moves that isn’t the monkey or me.

      Starts again

            MAGNUS

Or me.

            DARCY

I can’t do this.

            BANDITO

Oh come on.  You see the way he is treating her.  We’re doing this monkey a favor.

            DARCY

I can’t.  I’m sorry.

She leaves with the gun in hand, forgetting to give it back. BANDITO turns to MAGNUS.

            BANDITO

Can you believe that girl?

            MAGNUS 

Psh.  No.

            BANDITO

What a wimp.

            MAGNUS

Wimp city. 

Holds up his hand for BANDITO to hi-five.  He doesn’t.  BANDITO goes to talk, but MAGNUS continues.

She’s pretty much the mayor of Wimpyville.  If she got any wimpier we’d have to call the-

      Sees BANDITO counting

What are you doing?

            BANDITO

Sitting in traffic, listening to my alarm clock going off, getting a colonoscopy … Oh are you done now?

            MAGNUS

That’s not funny.

      MAGNUS takes out his journal

            BANDITO

Cover me.  I’m going in.

PIANO narrates a sneaky tune as BANDITO walks into AMOS’s camp from his hiding place.  LINDSEY sees him and starts to make noise a little.  AMOS stirs.

            BANDITO

Shhhh!

PIANO stops for a moment.  She quiets down, watching him.  He goes over and steals the cookies from AMOS’s lap.  AMOS mutters something in his sleep.  PIANO continues as BANDITO walks over and gives the bag of cookies to LINDSEY.  She is super excited about it.

Shhhh.

BANDITO pries the lock off and opens the door.  LINDSEY is afraid at first. 

It’s okay.  Come here.  Come on.  Come ooon.

LINDSEY takes his hand and steps out of the cage.  Once out, she looks around and then snuggles up to BANDITO for just a moment as if to say thanks and then she takes off. 

Wait!  Lindsey, stop.  Where are you going?!  Stop!  Monkey, stop!  Magnuuuuus!

BANDITO is running off and AMOS points a gun at him.

            AMOS

Hold it right there!

BANDITO and MAGNUS turn slowly, kind of confused.  Tension is slowly broken when BANDITO speaks.

            BANDITO

I’m sorry, are we doing this?

            AMOS

I thought we said we were.

            BANDITO

Oh really? Cause I thought we weren’t.

      Pause

I mean we can do it if you want -

            AMOS

Ya, I’m like … whatever, you know?

            BANDITO

      Turns to audience

Awkward.  Sorry guys, see early on in the run of this show we had a scene right here that was kind of … controversial.

            MAGNUS

I wouldn’t call it controversial.

            BANDITO

Not controversial but-

            MAGNUS

It got mixed reviews is what I’d say.

            BANDITO

Ya, it got mixed reviews. 

            AMOS

The producers brought in some focus groups and based on their feedback, we were told to cut the scene.  They said it felt like we were making up the lines as we went along.

            BANDITO

Which is crazy.

            MAGNUS

Totally crazy.

            BANDITO

I mean what kind of idiota, excuse my French, would write a scene in the middle of a show where the actors get to make up their lines as they go?

            MAGNUS

It would be weird.

            BANDITO

So weird.

            AMOS

So are we going to do the scene?

            MAGNUS

I don’t know if we should.

            BANDITO

What do you guys think? Do you want to see the deleted scene?

      Crowd cheers

            MAGNUS

The people have spoken! 

They hussle into place

            BANDITO

You asked for it.  Aaaand action.

These lines are the jist of what is to be said. 

            MAGNUS

Hold it right there!

            BANDITO

Hey … Amos.  Look, Magnus it’s our good buddy Amos. 

            MAGNUS

Oh hey, buddy.  What’s up?

            AMOS

You just stole my monkey, that’s what’s up.

            BANDITO

No, actually we didn’t.

            AMOS

Oh ya? Then what are you doing out here in the woods in the middle of the night?

            BANDITO

That’s a very good question.  Magnus … what are we doing out here in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night?

            MAGNUS

Well, you see it’s a funny story …

Let the improv begin.  MAGNUS and BANDITO tell short parts of the story each as AMOS eggs them on with questions.  For example: We wanted to pick some blackberries and … everyone knows that the best blackberries are picked by the light of a full moon.  But the thing you have to worry about with a full moon is … warewolves … and certain species of ducks.  It ends with someone in the middle of a line saying, “You know what guys, maybe there was a reason that we cut this scene.”  Hey Amos, look over there!”  He looks and BANDITO and MAGNUS run away.  Scene change music.

SCENE:  STREET

There is scene change music and we go back to main street.  BANDITO and MAGNUS end up running together middle of the stage, exhausted. 

            BANDITO

Anything?

            MAGNUS

No. 

            BANDITO

Ahhh!

            MAGNUS

That monkey is harder to find than a Mormon with a mocha latte.  What are we going to do?

            BANDITO

I’ll tell you what are we going to do.  You are going to get out there and keep looking for Lindsey and I am going to lay down right here and take a nap.

            MAGNUS

A nap?

            BANDITO

Yes, a nap.  We have been up all night chasing a dancing monkey.  I need some sleep.

            MAGNUS

What about me?  I also would enjoy a nap.

            BANDITO

Magnus, you are like 5 foot nothing.  You don’t need a nap.

            MAGNUS

What? 

            BANDITO

It is a scientific fact that children don’t need to sleep as much as adults.  You can’t argue with science.

            MAGNUS

Okay couple things about that.  Number one: No. False.  And two: I’m an adult.

            BANDITO

Magnus, twelve years old is hardly an adult. 

            MAGNUS

I’m twenty-six.

            BANDITO

      To aud

Kids these days … always wanting to grow up so fast.

            MAGNUS

But- 

      Pulls gun.

            BANDITO

Go!  Find my Lindsey!

MAGNUS is writing furiously in his notebook as he walks off.  A little scene change beat plays.  Couple measures.  BANDITO lays down prepping for a nap.  He’s scrolling on his phone. 

Oh Instagram.  I love you.  I don’t tell you that enough. 

      To aud

You know what I was thinking about the other day?  I was thinking, ”What did people look at when they didn’t have nothing to look at before they had Instagram to look at?”  You know, like back in the dinosaur days with the cavemans and stuffs.  What did the cavemans do when they were waiting in a doctors office?  Or during commercials?  Or when they had to see a man about a horse?  It’s okay, everybody does it.  Before they had Instagram on their phones, what did the cavemen look at when they were sitting in the passenger seat of a car?  The road?  The landscape?  Did they have an actual conversation with the caveman who was driving the car? So primitive. Hashtag blessed, am I right?

Another couple measures of the beat as BANDITO falls asleep.  Suddenly LINDSEY enters with a shriek.  PEITRA is chasing her with a butcher knife.

            PEITRA     

Come back here!  Evil monkey!  Bad monkey!

      LINDSEY hides behind BANDITO

            BANDITO

Lindsey!  Peitra, you found her!

            PEITRA

Bad monkey!  Bad, bad monkey!

            BANDITO

Pietra, why are you yelling at my Lindsey?

            PEITRA

Monkey steal taco.  Monkey no pay.  Monkey must die!

      Grabs LINDSEY by the wrist

            BANDITO

She was just hungry.

            PEITRA

In my country, thief no pay, thief lose hand!

      Puts knife up in preparation to cut off her hand.

            BANDITO

Peitra!  Look what’s that?

Points at his shirt.  PEITRA looks down, BANDITO flicks his face distracting him enough to grab the knife from him.

Pietra, let her go.

            PEITRA

The monkey is thief!

            BANDITO

How much does she owe you?

            PEITRA

Three ninety-five.

      BANDITO digs for some money.

            BANDITO

Here.  I’ll pay you.

            PEITRA

      Eyeing the money

… plus tax.

      Throws a twenty at him

            BANDITO

That’s a twenty.  Now let her go.

He lets her go and then counts the money.  Turns to her.

            BANDITO

Thank you for business.

Blackout.  Music transition into mancave.

SCENE:

Lights come up on BANDITO and LINDSEY in his mancave. MAGNUS is there but he is way in the back corner holding a GoPro on a stick.  He is still scared to death of LINDSEY.  BANDITO has a remote in his hand and LINDSEY is sitting/crouching in his chair.

            BANDITO

Alright Lindsey, hip hop training session number one.  I just want to try this okay?

      LINDSEY reacts

No pressure.  We’re just hangin’ out, chooting the breeze, whatever … just do what is natural.

LINDSEY reacts again.  BANDITO pushes a button on the remote and on comes a hip hop beat.  LINDSEY is startled at first, unsure of where it’s coming from, but ends up liking it and starting to break down.  BANDITO joins her and does a little improv rap.    

You like it?  Yes?  Magnus are you getting this?  After I win my first Grammy, this footage is gonna be worth millions.

SONG: IMPROV RAP

Suddenly there’s a loud knock on the door.  BANDITO shuts off the music. 

Quick.  Hide the monkey!

MAGNUS throws a sheet/blanket over LINDSEY’s head.  BANDITO opens the door.  It’s DARCY

Oh, it’s just you.

            DARCY

Can I come in?

      Walks past him

            BANDITO

No.  No you cannot. It is late and I am going to bed.

            DARCY

Is she here?

            BANDITO

I don’t know who you are talking about.

            DARCY

Where is she? 

BANDITO steps between her and where LINDSEY is hiding.  They both step in front of LINDSEY.

            BANDITO

I don’t know what you are talking about.  Magnus, do you know what this woman is talking about?

            MAGNUS

Haven’t the foggiest.

A big huge loud monkey noise from LINDSEY.  Her body doesn’t move as she is still covered with the blanket like a lamp.  BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other

            BANDITO

Bless you.

            MAGNUS

Thank you.

      They move closer together to close the gap

            DARCY

Oh come on.  Let me meet her.  Pleeease?

            BANDITO

Okay fine.

Indicates for MAGNUS to remove the blanket.  He tries a couple times but can’t pull it off cause he’s so afraid of her.  Finally gets it on the 3^rd try.

Darcy Brown, this is Lindsey the dancing monkey. 

DARCY puts out her hand and LINDSEY comes and takes it, examining her.

Lindsey, this is Darcy Brown the wimpy girl who bails on her friends when she gets a little bit scared.

      LINDSEY is moving around, examining DARCY.

            DARCY

I didn’t bail.  I changed my mind.

            BANDITO

You wimped out.  You are a super sized wimp deluxe with a side order of wussy cakes.

      PIANO accent hit

            MAGNUS

      Sees his chance.  Hands her the gopro.

Since you’re here to help with this I think I’m going to retire.  Fine evening to you both.

            DARCY

I didn’t mean to chase you away.

            MAGNUS

Not at all.  It’s- I just-

            BANDITO

Magnus is afraid of Lindsey.

            MAGNUS

Psssh. That’s ridiculousness.  She’s a harmless monkey.

            BANDITO

Lindsey, go give Magnus a high-five.

            MAGNUS

Why would I be afraid of-

LINDSEY starts to go over there and MAGNUS freaks out like a girl.  LINDSEY isn’t even all that close to him.

Back!  Back I say!  Bad monkey!  Down boy!

LINDSEY stops and MAGNUS makes it to the door then turns back all cool as if to try to reconcile the scene he just created.

We will check you guys later, then. 

LINDSEY makes another friendly move toward him and he freaks out and runs away.  DARCY shakes her head at the situation.

            DARCY

I did it.  You kidnapped the monkey.

            BANDITO

The monkey has a name.

            DARCY

I’m sorry.  

            BANDITO

Don’t apologize to me.

            DARCY

      Turns to LINDSEY

I’m sorry, Lindsey.

      LINDSEY makes a cute face and noise

            BANDITO

Without Lindsey I would be just like all of the rest of those rappers with anger issues and an extensive criminal history.  But with Lindsey, the path to my destiny is not only clear but it’s like it’s easy to see it, like it’s free from visual obstructions … What’s the word for that?

            DARCY

Clear?

            BANDITO

Yes, clear, thank you.

      PIANO

            DARCY

She’s an amazing animal.

            BANDITO

And smart.  She’s so smart.

Turns quickly to LINDSEY who is chewing on something. PIANO out.

Lindsey don’t eat the furniture please.  Thank you.

      PIANO blink blink blink continues

It’s true what they say you know.

            DARCY

What’s that?

            BANDITO

      Holding up fingers to indicate the things

Having a pet is way more harder than having a baby. 

            DARCY

I think there may be a few mothers out there who might have something to say about that.

            BANDITO

Think about it, with a baby you have to feed it and you have to clean it.  With a pet you have to feed it, clean it, and let it in and out of the house.  With babies, you don’t have to do that because humans can open their own doors.  Not pets.  Pets are harder than babies.  Do the math. 

LINDSEY strums the guitar.

Lindsey, no.  Please don’t touch. 

She strums again and makes an excited noise. BANDITO gets up to save the guitar.

No that’s mine.  Please don’t touch.  No touchy.  Here you want me to show you?  Here.  Listen.

      He plays a chord.  LINDSEY reacts happy.

            DARCY

I think she likes it.

      Plays another.  She reacts again.

            BANDITO

Okay look.  It’s time for bed, okay?  You go to sleep, I play.  Lay down.

She puts her head down, he plays a chord.  She jumps up excited and he stops.

Lay down.  Shhh.

She lays down again, he plays.  She jumps up, he stops.

No-  Lay down.  Sleep.

      She gets it.  Lays down

Now just shhhh.  Close your eyes.  Lindsey, this is a song my grandmother used to sing to me when I was a little Bandito.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  She would sit there in her chair rocking back and forth … stroking her mustache … and she would sing.

SONG:  MONKEY LULLABY

It’s time to just dreeeeeam

Kick back and just dreeeeeeam

By the time you wake

Things won’t be as bad as they seem

Just dream. 

Musical interlude changes the scene to AMOS camp.  AMOS is there looking quite evil.  Someone enters in a cloak with a hood.  He takes it off.  It’s MAGNUS.

            AMOS

Were you followed?

            MAGNUS

No, my lord.

            AMOS

Does he have the monkey?

            MAGNUS

Yes, my lord.

            AMOS

Why are you calling me your lord?

            MAGNUS

It just feels right, my lord.

            AMOS

Please stop.  It’s weird.

            MAGNUS

Sincerest apologies, my l- … dude.

            AMOS

      Sitting MAGNUS down

Tell me Magnus, how close are you to the Bandito?

            MAGNUS

Why do you ask?

            AMOS

I have a business proposition I’d like to discuss with you.

Track plays loud and scene blacks out with them sitting around the campfire

INTERMISSION

SCENE: SELFIE-60

????

The cast gathers on the stage as the lights dim. They’re in a slightly somber mood but some are wearing and or carrying crazy props and hats etc. It’s as if they don’t know who should speak first.  COCO steps forward.

As you know, we here at Pickleville are all about helping out when we see an unmet need.

Which is why right now we are going to ask you to join with us

Hi guys.  Before we continue with the show we wanted to give you a chance to make history with us tonight right here, right now. 

When we got together back in May we said, in addition to putting together an awesome show, let’s do something even more important that will really make a dent in the world……..?

            COCO

Hi guys.  Before we continue with tonight’s performance we’d like to pause briefly to make you aware of an issue that has just come to our attention. 

            PEITRA      

It’s rare, in life, that you hear about a serious problem in the world and then immediately have the opportunity to do something about it.

            AMOS

We should explain.  See, we were all just backstage during intermission doing what we always do backstage during intermission ...

      They hold up phones simultaneously

Instagram.

-and we noticed a disturbing trend.

            DARCY

There are an alarmingly low number of selfies taken in the middle of live musicals with the actors from the show either in the photo or photobombing somewhere in the background.

            BANDITO

It’s true.  And so in an effort to do our part to end this shocking lack of selfies taken in the middle of live musicals with the actors from the show either in the photo or photobombing somewhere in the background, we’re gonna do what we like to call the Pickleville selfie-60. 

            MAGNUS

That’s right.  Sixty seconds to take as many pictures as possible.  It’s our way of saying to the internet, “Hey internet, have a few more pictures.”  Are you ready for this?

            COCO

I was born ready.

            MAGNUS

Alright.  Everybody get your cameras out cause it’s time to party.  60 seconds!

            VOICEOVER

Three.  Two.  One.  Selfie-Sixty.

Actors storm the crowd whooping and wailing and being crazy. They have props/hats etc for people to put on.  Maybe some mustache gear to hand out.  Play “Jump Jive and Wail” and all the actors come running out to take pics with the audience.  Don’t mute their mics.  Needs to feel like chaos and a party.  Have the box office staff get in on it as well as anyone else who wants to put on a costume and run out to take pics. Maybe a voiceover that counts down the seconds.  “60 seconds” and then the thing starts, then in the middle “30 seconds” “10 seconds” and then “time’s up” and the cast bows center stage as the music fades.  Somebody has to be in charge of LINDSEY.  Maybe LINDSEY stays dancing on the stage the whole time?  At end of the track there is a voiceover:

We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

SCENE:  AMOS’S CAMP

We return to MAGNUS and AMOS’s clandestine meeting in AMOS’s camp.  Dark and evil feel.  COCO is there.  MAGNUS is eating cookies.

            MAGNUS

You make some intriguing points, Mr. Moody.

            AMOS

The Bandito trusts you. 

            MAGNUS

Yes he does. 

            AMOS

You’re the last one he’ll suspect.

            MAGNUS

Indeed I am.

            AMOS

And I’ll make sure you are well compensated for your assistance.

            MAGNUS

Me likey the sound of that, and yet I pause to wonder, “Am I to be Brutus and Bandito fair Caesar?  Can I betray his trust after all we’ve been through together?”

            COCO

Are you kidding me?  He treats you like garbage, like you’re nothin’, like you don’t even exist.  Isn’t that right Amos?

            AMOS

      Speaking to MAGNUS

What?  Sorry, did someone just say my name?

            MAGNUS

You’ve got a deal. 

            AMOS

Ya?

            MAGNUS

Ya.  Let’s get you back your monkey.

            AMOS

Great. So how do we do it?

            COCO  

Oo oo, I know.  You go in there and distract him while the other two of us-

            MAGNUS

Distract him? 

      Laughs

     

No no no, that won’t do.  I think it would be wise for us to agree on a more … permanent solution.

            COCO   

What do you mean “permanent?”

            MAGNUS

A solution which involves Mr. Bandito going to sleep for a very, very long time.

COCO gasps, hand over mouth.  She’s dumb and AMOS is nearly just as clueless.

            COCO

Are we talkin’ … Ambien?

            MAGNUS

No.  I’m talking ( ___ ).

Makes a motion to indicate a method of killing and AMOS guesses what he’s saying.  Couple of fun improv lines and then MAGNUS gets frustrated. 

Kill him.  I mean we are going to kill him, okay?!

            BOTH

Ohhhh.

            COCO

Do we really have to kill him? 

            AMOS  

Ya, can’t we just tie him up somewhere?

            AMOS

No.  We have to kill him.

            COCO

Why don’t we dig a really deep hole and put him in the hole and-

            MAGNUS

We will kill him until he is dead.

            COCO

But what if we-

            MAGNUS

      Quickly

Bandito must die a painful death of anguish and horror!

            AMOS

Okay.  So I guess we’re gonna kill him.

            MAGNUS

Good plan.  Magnus likey that plan.

            COCO 

How?

            AMOS

Yes how?

            MAGNUS

Are you asking me how we should kill Juanito Bandito?

            AMOS

Yes.  That’s exactly what I’m asking.

            MAGNUS

Ha.  What a stroke of luck. 

      Takes out notebook

I have a notebook full of ideas on this very subject.  How to Kill Juanito Bandito: death scenario number one…

SONG: HOW TO KILL JUANITO BANDITO

SEND HIM IN A PINATA COSTUME TO A QUINSENERA

REMOVE HIS HEAD – GUILLOTINE

DRAWN AND QUARTERED

INFECT HIM WITH THE PLAGUE

SNEAK INTO HIS ROOM NIGHTLY AND RUB SPF 150 ALL OVER HIS BODY, WAIT FOR A WHILE AND HE WILL DIE OF A VITAMIN D DEFICIENCEY

SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD WITH MULTIPLE ROUNDS OF CRYPTANITE BULLETS.  IDIOT!  THAT’S SUPERMANS’ WEAKNESS.  YOU’RE RIGHT.  THAT WOULD NEVER WORK.

TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND THEN – WAIT, IS THIS THE VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY THING?  NO.  TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND HOW DO VAMPIRES DIE?  STAB HIM IN THE HEART WITH A STAKE.  THAT’S ALSO HOW HUMANS DIE.

COCO KEEPS SAYING, COULDN’T WE JUST SHOOT HIM WHEN HE’S NOT LOOKING?

They end up deciding to do it the old fashioned way.  MAGNUS will throw him a retirement party and poison his cake.

Just one quick question about the monkey.  What does he plan to do with her?

Who?

Mr. Wilkenshire.  The collector in Chicago?

He’s going to put her in his museum.

Museum?

Is there an echo?

      Realizing for the first time

Do you mean, hopefully, a happy museum where animals have plenty of space to roam freely and exist in a controlled but somewhat natural existence?

No.  I mean a museum museum.  Where the only animals are killed, stuffed and displayed.

He’s going to kill Lindsey?

For the museum.  It’s for education.  He’s doing it for the kids basically.  Think of all the field trips.  Magnus is there something wrong?

This changes everything.  He’s going to kill the monkey.  I don’t know it’s … I just don’t know.

      COCO and AMOS look at each other

            AMOS

Let me make sure I understand what is happening.  You have a notebook full of thousands of gruesome and disturbingly specific ways to kill a man and your moral compass kicks in when we talk about knocking off a primate for educational purposes?

Well when you put it that way.

DON’T EAT THE CAKE SCENE

SCENE: MAGNUS’ FUNERAL/MARSHALL GARRETT

At end of song PEITRA steps in front of the gathered mass.  Has an envelope with the bill.

            PEITRA

Thank you all for your attendance.  This funeral is now completed.  Next item of business is bill for funeral services rendered.  Who should I … anyone?  Casket fitting, dead guy makeup putting on-ing.  Close friends or family?  Anybody?

Tries to hand it to a couple of people. 

            AMOS

Don’t look at me.

            BANDITO

I’m just here for the potatoes.

      Putting away the bill

            PEITRA

Okay, we will wait on the bill then.  Second item of business.  Would the pretty lady please step forward? 

            COCO

Me?

            PEITRA

Yes.  You, pretty lady.  My friends, all of this talk of death and mortality has made me to realize what is truly valuable in my life.

      Turns to COCO

Pretty lady, I am not wealthy man.

I know.

But what I lack in money I will make up for in straight up hustle and my immaculate level of physical prowess. 

      He growls

Pretty lady, for final time: please, will you marry me?  Pretty please, pretty lady?

Ah hang it.  I don’t care if you don’t have any money.  I’m gonna marry you and there’s nobody in the world who could stop me … except for Channing Tatum (Harry Styles).  If Channing Tatum made me an offer, I would have to accept, are you okay with that?

Fair enough.

Oh Pietra, I’m so happy.  

This is what I am hoping you will say, because oh hey, lookie here.

      Holds up his phone

What is it?

      Showing the phone

Apparently I am good friends with rich Nigerian prince.

You’re friends with a Nigerian prince?

Must be, else how did he get my email address?

Keep talkin’.

I send him legal name and other sensitive information and he will transfer 2 million dollars within the week.  I am rich man!

      We think she’s realized that it’s a scam

Wait a minute, lemme see that.

      She reads it

You sent him your social security number?

Yes.

And your bank account information?

Yes.

This feels totally legit.

I am so happy.

Who’da thought you had a friend that was a rich Nigerian prince?

I know.

And that he had an extra two million just lyin’ around?

I know.

Sometime during the last few lines, LINDSEY has entered and is now sitting casually next to BANDITO.  BANDITO is casual at first

            BANDITO

Lindsey, what are you doing here?

Realizes the situation.  PIANO hits a “surprise” chord.

Lindsey!  What are you doing here?!

LINDSEY shrieks and hides behind BANDITO pointing at AMOS who has drawn a gun and is pointing at BANDITO.  Everyone gasps.  PIANO plays an evil theme.  Dun, duh dun etc.

            AMOS

That’s it, no more games mate.  Hand over my gorilla.

BANDITO laughs at him.

            BANDITO

Oh Amos … Famous Amos.  Of all the things you could do, this is what you are going to do?  You’re going to pull a gun on Juanito Bandito?  You are even more dumber than I thought. 

            AMOS

I’ll shoot.  I swear I’ll shoot.

            BANDITO

      Getting ready to draw.  Supremely confident.

I’m afraid that you have seriously underestimated my awesomeness.

LINDSEY goes in between them toward AMOS happily.  BANDITO is concerned.

Lindsey, where are you going?  Lindsey get over here.  Lindsey no!

LINDSEY makes a noise and points at AMOS’s shirt and tricks him just like BANDITO tricked PEITRA.  Steals the gun.  She now has the gun and waves it around happily, scaring AMOS and the others.

            AMOS

You stupid little mutt!

      BANDITO is on him with his gun drawn.

     

            BANDITO

Don’t talk to my Lindsey that way.  You are hurting her feelings.

            AMOS

Oh crikey!  She’s a stupid monkey.  She don’t have feelings!

Suddenly there are helicopter noises and spotlights all around.  Wind.

            BANDITO

What in the name of Mitt Romney is going on here?

            AMOS

I warned you, mate.  I know people, who know people.

      Up to the helicopters

He’s here!  This is him right here!

     

            GARRETT

      On a megaphone

Juanito Bandito, you’re under arrest.  Drop the gun and put your hands behind your head. 

            BANDITO

Never!

            GARRETT

This is not a suggestion.  We have guns.

            BANDITO

And also so do I.

            GARRETT

Ya but we have really big guns.

Big old sound effect like a missile and everyone’s heads follow it and react when it blows up somewhere upstage.  There is a lighting effect that happens with the explosion simulating rumbling the earth.  Actors help this illusion out.

            BANDITO

Turns back to the helicopters which are over the audience.

Haha!  You missed me.

            GARRETT

      Sound of the megaphone turning on

Actually that was just a warning shot to show you how big our guns are.

            BANDITO

Oh. Those are some big guns.

            GARRETT

Thanks.

Everyone is still for an awkward few seconds.  Unsure of who is going to talk.

So are you going to surrender or are we going to have to go John Wayne on your big Spanish badonkadonk?

            BANDITO

      Looking around for an out, unsure.

I uh …

            GARRETT

You’ve got to the count of three.

            BANDITO

Juanito Bandito will surrender to no man!

Everyone yells at him to drop the gun in their own way as he yells at the helicopters.

            GARRETT

One.

            BANDITO

I will die with a gun in my hands and a sick rap on my lips. 

            GARRETT

Two.

            BANDITO

Alright stop, collaborate and listen.  Ice-

            GARRETT

Thr-

A gunshot from DARCY who has pulled her gun out.   Everything goes silent.  BANDITO is shocked, turns to her.  She gives him a quick look and then he puts his hands to his back and says.

            BANDITO

You have gotta be kidding me.

He falls dead.  Everyone turns to look at DARCY for an explanation.

            COCO  

You shot him.

            DARCY

      Shrugs

He was asking for it.

LINDSEY runs over to BANDITO, concerned.  AMOS comes over and attaches the collar to her neck.

            AMOS

Come here you stupid mutt!

GARRETT comes in with two guns drawn pointing hilariously in every direction as he speaks.  Everyone’s hands go up including LINDSEY who is the last to do it.

            GARRETT

Hands up!  Everyone.  Show me your hands.  Hands up!  No monkey business, do you hear me?

      To LINDSEY

Do you hear what I’m saying right now!!!?  Answer me son!

            DARCY

We didn’t catch your name.

            GARRETT

US Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett at your servicio.  The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!

            COCO

Big Guns Bo Garrett?

            GARRETT

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!  That’s m’ tagline. 

      Continuing with the ninja gun moves

Which one of you is the Juanito Bandito?

            DARCY

That’s him right there.

GARRETT goes over and nudges BANDITO with his foot.

            GARRETT

What’s wrong with ‘im?  Is he sick?

            DARCY

He’s dead.

      GARRETT backs away quickly, nervous about the body

            COCO

She shot him.

      Does a double take at the sight of DARCY.

           

            GARRETT

Hellooow Gorgeous.

            DARCY

      Extending her hand

Darcy Brown.

            GARRETT

Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett.  The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!

            DARCY

The man was a criminal.

            GARRETT

      Walking around showing off a bit for DARCY.

Yes he was, yes he was.  Fact I was sent here by the presidente of the ew-nighted states to track down and dispose of the Bandito, but thanks to you, it looks like my work here is done.  Nice shootin’ Mrs. Brown.

            DARCY

Actually it’s Miss ... not Mrs.

            GARRETT

Oh.

      Sees what she means

Oooooh.  Is that right?

      Strikes a pose

            DARCY

Yes.  Yes it is. 

            GARRETT

I’m pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down.

AMOS grabs the leash again

            AMOS

I’d love to stay and chat, but Lindsey and I have a train to catch.

            GARRETT

Holy shleigh bells that man has a monkey on a leash.

            DARCY

Mr. Moody, one more thing before you go.

      Stops.  Annoyed. He was almost gone.

            AMOS

What?

            DARCY

Would you mind showing Marshall Garrett your monkey handlers permit?

            AMOS

My what?

            DARCY

Your monkey handlers permit. 

      Mostly to GARRETT

You know, the one that a person is required to carry with them at all times while in possession of a live monkey? 

            AMOS

I uh ...

            DARCY

You don’t have one?

            AMOS

I do, but I uh ... I must have misplaced it.

            DARCY

Misplaced his monkey handlers handling permit?  Oh my.  That’s troubling, wouldn’t you say, Marshall Garrett?

            GARRETT

I would Miss Brown.

            DARCY

I mean, a man who handles a gorilla without the proper documentation ... what kind of man is he, really?

            GARRETT 

Good thought.  Good thought.

            AMOS

      To the aud or others

What’s happening right now?

            DARCY

It’s a slippery slope.  First he handles an animal without permits, next he’s skipping his own meetings for a missionary farewell and pretty soon, well … it’s the next logical step.

            GARRETT

A two-piece swimsuit?

            DARCY

Worse.  Murder!

            AMOS

Murder!?

            GARRETT

Murder!? What murder?

            DARCY

Indicating the coffin.  Presenting her case like a lawyer.

The murder of one Magnus Ankleburt.

            AMOS

That’s ridiculous.

            GARRETT

Let’s just have a look here, shall we?

Opens the coffin and is taken back by what he sees.  Jumps back trying to shake the image.

Woah!  Holy son of a sack of ...  That is one weird lookin’ dude right there, am I right?  I mean – sorry I just gotta-

      Takes another peek

Woah!  Good nuggets that guy is … unique in his facial features.  Woah that’s … it’s like a car wreck, you don’t want to look but you have absolutely no choice whatsoever-

      Looks again

Oh!  Oh I’m sick.  I’m literally sick to my stomach.   Do not let me open that coffin again, do you hear me?  Do not-  Okay just one more time – last time.

Looks quickly then almost gags and catches his breath resting on the coffin.  Finally catches his breath.

That’s one weird lookin’ dude right there.  How did he die?

            DARCY

Poison.

            GARRETT

Poison?

            DARCY

He was deliberately poisoned.

            GARRETT

By whom?

            DARCY

I was hoping that a man of your experience might be able to save the day by helping us answer that very question.

            GARRETT

I have been known to round up a bad guy or two in my day.

            DARCY

I have no doubt about that.

      Turns to PEITRA and COCO

            GARRETT

So who was it?  It was you two wasn’t it.

            COCO

We no speak English.

      They sneak off during these lines

            GARRETT

      To LINDSEY

Or maybe it was you!?  Wait. Nevermind, you’re a monkey.

            DARCY

Marshall, perhaps the guilty party might be located by searching for someone who is slipping in other areas of his life?  Animal handling permits and the like ...

            AMOS

Waaait, I see where this is going.  This is an outrage! 

            DARCY

Is it though?

            AMOS

Yes.

            DARCY

Is it really?

            AMOS

Yes.  I did not poison Magnus Ankleburt!

            DARCY

So you admit it?

            AMOS

What?!  No.  I deny it. 

            DARCY

You didn’t do it?

            AMOS

No.

            DARCY

      To GARRETT

He denies that he did not do it.  Double negative. 

            DARCY and GARRETT

Guilty!

            AMOS

What?!

            DARCY

Marshall Garrett you’ve done it again.

            GARRETT

Yes I have.

            AMOS

Hang on just-

            DARCY

You’ve solved the mystery!

            AMOS

You conniving little sn-!

            GARRETT

      Grabbing AMOS with a police move and cuffing him

Mr Anus, that will be quite enough.  You’re under arrest.

      A pause

            AMOS

Amos.  A-Mos.

Covers his mouth with a gag quickly as he escorts him off.

            GARRETT

Tell it to the judge! 

He karate chops AMOS in the neck and he falls.  GARRETT heists him onto his back.  To DARCY:

Darlin’ I hate to do this to ya, but I gotta escort this criminal back to Washington.  Look me up if you’re ever in town.

            DARCY

Goodbye Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett!

            GARRETT

The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang! 

      AMOS struggles and GARRETT boots him off

Adios citizens!

They exit. DARCY looks at BANDITO and at LINDSEY standing over him worried.  DARCY sits down calmly. 

            DARCY

That fall was a little dramatic don’t you think?

            BANDITO

As he sits up

It’s called acting.  Look it up.

            DARCY

Acting?  You fell down and held still.  That’s not acting. I was acting. 

            BANDITO

I’m just glad you’re a better actor than you are a shooter. 

      She hands him back his gun

            DARCY

If I wanted to shoot you, I would have shot you.

            BANDITO

What were you thinking?

            DARCY

I wasn’t.  I just had an idea so I went for it.

            BANDITO

      So proud

You finally followed your guts.

            DARCY

I saved your life.

            BANDITO

I don’t know about that.  I could have prob’ly maybe taken those guys.

            DARCY

Oh okay.  The next time you’re about to go toe to toe with an armed helicopter, I’ll make sure to stay out of your way.

      LINDSEY nudges up to BANDITO

Looks like Lindsey finally has an owner that will keep her best interests at heart. 

            BANDITO

And I finally have a friend who isn’t going to try to kill me with a slice of poison cake.

            DARCY

Speaking of that, you need a new publicist.

            BANDITO

Yes I do.  Would you like to apply for the job?

            DARCY

Maybe.

            BANDITO

I need someone with experience who is not afraid to just, you know, follow her guts.

            DARCY

It could be quite a challenge.  I mean, now that you’re technically dead, it might be a little more difficult to get your career off the ground.

            BANDITO

Not the way I see it.

            DARCY

Do explain.

            BANDITO

You know what sells more albums than a rapper with a dancing monkey?

            DARCY 

What?

            BANDITO

A rapper with a dancing monkey who just came back from the dead.  Hashtag winning team.  So what do you say?  You wanna join me for an adventure?

      She thinks.  He indicates to follow your guts.

            DARCY

I’m in.

            BANDITO

Yessss!  Let the awesomeness begin!!!

Goes right into the final song.  Everyone dressed in monkey-like attire singing and dancing in the aisles.

SONG: DO THE MONKEY

THE END

Back at it. Still changing. Not panicking.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Please don't judge the quality of my writing in these posts.  I could possibly make them beautiful and interesting with more time and re-writing but I don't have the time to do it.  I'm  writing to keep a sort of online journal and document the progress of the show.

I'm in SLC at the library again today.  There are 85% less homeless people in here this week because the weather is warm.  I got together with Derek again last night and started to explain to him the show and how it was going.  I came to that always frightening realization that I had written the first draft of the first half of the show, but the story still isn't right.  We talked it through last night and it just doesn't seem cohesive for several reasons.

What does Bandito want?  What/who is trying to stop him from getting it?  How does he overcome those obstacles?  Does he end up getting his wish?  A better wish?  How does he get it?  

This writing a complete story is very difficult stuff but it's the most important part of the process.  I often refer to a random site with quotes from Stephen Schwartz that are pretty insightful.  He basically says, spend the time to get the story and the structure right before you start to write songs or scenes.  It's definitely not an exact science.  You have to basically go by the spirit.

Think about it.  There are literally an infinity number of things that could happen in the show and I am trying to write the most interesting version of the most interesting and entertaining story I can come up with.  There is no incorrect way to do it.  There is only better or worse.  I don't even think there's a "best" or a "worst" way.

Anyhoo, below is the first half of the show that I wrote last week.  It has some good stuff but the story is not right so I don't know how much of it will actually be included in the end product.

--
Outline:

BANDITO monologue interrupted by MAGNUS into

SONG: I am destined to become a rapper.  Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

MAGNUS explains that BANDITO needs a gimmick

SONG: AMOS YouTube video into LINDSEY intro song

BANDITO invites AMOS to his house to buy LINDSEY.  AMOS refuses.

BANDITO goes to kidnap LINDSEY and LINDSEY escapes

DARCY enters and says BANDITO is doomed

MAGNUS says let’s run.  BANDITO refuses to leave without monkey.

DARCY and BANDITO have dinner

SONG: DARCY no more rules, freedom song - take me with you

BANDITO offers DARCY a way out.  She refuses.

PIETRA has LINDSEY.  BANDITO gets possession and saves LINDSEY life.

BANDITO takes LINDSEY to his apt.  MAGNUS finds out.  They fall asleep.

MAGNUS and AMOS plan to poison BANDITO

MAGNUS and AMOS try to poison BANDITO and MAGNUS poisons himself and dies.

LINDSEY enters unexpectedly and saves BANDITO from AMOS in the same manner that he saved her from PIETRA.

DARCY shoots BANDITO in the back

GARRETT enters

DARCY frames GARRETT for MAGNUS murder

PIETRA and GIRL end up together

DARCY and BANDITO were in cahoots

MAN comes to offer BANDITO a deal without LINDSEY

BANDITO refuses it

DARCY goes off to rob MAN.  Congratulations.  You’ve just become the single biggest investor in Mr. Bandito’s latest album release.  Please step into my office and we can discuss the terms.  80-20.

SONG: Do the monkey

Hey guys.  What is up?  Worrrrd to your mothers.  It’s been a long time, am I right?  What’s it been like … how long has it been?

Long time.  Loooong time no see.  What is your mom’s name again?  How is Suzy doing?  Good?  And your kids.  Do you have kids, I forget.  Oh ya, how are those little rascals?  Nice.  I miss those guys.  For those of you who don’t know … what was your name again? … Julie and I, we go way back.  Waaaay back.  Like remember that one time when that one thing happened and then we were like and we … and stuff?  Ya that was awesome.  Good times.  Gooohood times.

Hi guys.  How is everybody doing tonight?  Good?  Awesome.  I’m doing okay.  I’ll feel better once we get this over with.  If I’m being honest I’m kind of feeling a lot of pressure right now.  You would too.  Think about it.  300 people sitting in the dark looking at me like, entertain us.  (surfer) Dude, say something funny.  (kid) Mom why hasn’t he said something funny yet?  (dad) Oh no, is this how the entire show is going to be?  (teenage girl) OMGosh I knew I should have stayed at the cabin playing uno or watching Pirates of the Carribean since it’s the only movie in the cabin that someone accidentally forgot to take home a couple of years ago.    Also I think I really want some popcorn.  At least I can still tweet my friends.  This show is the literal worst.  Hashtag Juanito Bandito Hashtag pickadilly playhouse Hashtag thanksbutnothanks. Seriously, honey when is he going to say something funny?  Pressure, see?  I’m feeling a lot of it right now. 

--

            BANDITO

Oh hey.  Sorry but now is not a really great time.  Ya I’m kinda working on something right now.  Do you think you could come back a little bit later possibly?  Maybe tomorrow?  Okay fine you can stay but you have to stay quiet okay?  No talking and for sure no laughing.  What did I just say?  Seriously.

Oh heeey … yyyyou.  How are you?  Awesome.  Long time no see am I right?  What’s it been like … how long has it been … since you saw me?  Long time.  Oh it’s been too long.  A little bit too long for me to remember anything about you.  What’s your mothers name again?  So how is Janet doing?  Oh she’s so great.  Good lady.  Goooood lady.  And your kids?  You have kids?  How are they doing, those little rascals?  Little … what is some of their names again?  Johnny and Billy.  I miss those guys.  Sorry you guys but me and … what’s your name?  Me and Julie go waaay back. Waaaay back, am I right, Julie?  Like Julie remember that one time when that one thing happened and then we were like and we … and stuff?  Remember?  Ya that was awesome.  Good times.  Gooohood times.

            MAGNUS

Knocky knocky, anybody home?

            BANDITO

Magnus!  What are you doing here?

            MAGNUS

      Holding up the camera

I thought we were going to …

            BANDITO

Oh ya, that’s right.

            MAGNUS

Were you just speaking with someone?

            BANDITO

No.

            MAGNUS

Are you sure because me thinks I heard you speaking with someone?

            BANDITO

Nope.

            MAGNUS 

Were you talking to yourself perhaps?

            BANDITO

No.  People who talk to themselves are … weird.

            MAGNUS

      Setting up

Not so actually. Science is just beginning to reveal to us the benefits of self-talk.  It seems that positive affirmations can stimulate the subconscious mind and invoke the powers of the universe to help us fulfill our own individual life missions.

            BANDITO

      A pause, he shakes it off and then

Sorry were you just talking?  Cause I remember you starting to talk and then I started to list all of the things I would rather do than listen you talk. I was like root canal, laundry, trigonometry and then I realized that you had finally stopped.

      MAGNUS writes in his journal

            BANDITO

What are you writing?

            MAGNUS

Nothing.

            BANDITO

Magnus.

            MAGNUS

Nothing.  Forget about it.

            BANDITO

      Grabbing guitar

Are we going to do this or what?

            MAGNUS

I’m ready when you are.

MAGNUS has set up the camera.  Maybe it’s a gopro with a big stick.

Aaaand action.

            BANDITO

This one’s called The Cobbler Who Was Meant to Make Cobbler.

Song begins for about ½ of a measure and PEITRA knocks and enters.  He’s got a big leather butcher’s apron and a bowtie.  He’s got two horns that poke through his wig that no one seems to notice.  He is very friendly and smiley.

            PEITRA

Hello!  Is anybody home?

            MAGNUS

Aaand cut. 

            PEITRA

Tacos!  Anybody want to buy tacos?  Chicken tacos today.

            MAGNUS

Pietra, can you not see that we are in the middle of something?

      Looks around

            PEITRA

Room?

            MAGNUS

What?

            PEITRA

You are in middle of room, yes?

            BANDITO

I can’t work under these conditions.

            MAGNUS

Pietra, we are in the middle of filming.

            PEITRA

Filming?  What filming?

            MAGNUS

We’re filming a video.  It’s for YouTube.

            PEITRA

You put video on YouTube?

            MAGNUS

Yes, that is the plan, yes.

            PEITRA

Say no more, say no more.  I return later.

            MAGNUS

Good, yes.  Thank you for understanding.

            PEITRA 

Good luck with video.

            MAGNUS

Thank you.  Nice guy.

            BANDITO

Yes but the accent is a little much.

            MAGNUS

What do you mean?

            BANDITO

He’s been in this country for like 6 months.  Lose the accent bro.  Seriously.  Time to learn to speak American, am I right?

            MAGNUS

Ummm…

            BANDITO

Ok let’s get this done, huh? 

            MAGNUS

Okay.  Aaaand action.

            BANDITO

This song is called “The Cobbler who was meant to make cobbler.”

During the song PEITRA joins for some awesomeness with a handmade sign that says “Pietra’s Tacos – order online.”  Or some well-known slogan or logo or something funny.  PEITRA gets down and bogeys!

            MAGNUS

Aaaand that is a wrap.

            BANDITO

Awesome.  Now quick go upload that to the YouTubes.

            MAGNUS

It’s just YouTube.

            BANDITO

Huh?

            MAGNUS

You Tube. It’s not plural.

            BANDITO

Your mom’s not plural.

            MAGNUS

That makes no sense.

            BANDITO

Your mom makes no sense.

            MAGNUS

I’m not going to win this one am I?

            BANDITO

Why don’t you go ask your mom.

MAGNUS writes a note in his notebook as BANDITO raises his fist triumphantly. MAGNUS continues to work on the computer.

I can see it now.  The Cobbler who was meant to make Cobbler by Juanito Bandito, 100 billion views.  The most watched music video since Taylor Swift decided to taking ballet lessons.

            MAGNUS

I’m still not sure I understand why we’re doing this.  You’re already the most famous semi-fictional Spanish outlaw in history.

            BANDITO

That I am donkey, that I am, but Magnus there comes a point in a man’s life where he must listen to the voice inside of his heart.  The one that says, today is the day, now is the time for you to do what you were sent here to do.

            MAGNUS

But you’re really good at the outlawing stuff.

            BANDITO

Just because you are good at something doesn’t mean that it is your calling in life.

            MAGNUS

I don’t understand.

            BANDITO

      Pulling gun quickly

Magnus, ask me what I did last week.

            MAGNUS

      Nervously

What did you do last week?

Puts gun away quickly as if this is something that happens often between them.  Shows MAGNUS the box.

      BANDITO

I stole the crown jewels of Buku from a stagecoach that was transporting the Princesa.

            MAGNUS

Ooo a stagecoach robbery and a princess!  How exciting!

            BANDITO

Yes … except not. 

            MAGNUS

What happened?  If you don’t mind me asking, how did it “go down?”

            BANDITO

I rode up to the guards, pulled out my gun and told them that I was going to rob the coach. 

            MAGNUS

Yes, classic!

            BANDITO

One of them asked me who I thought I was and so I told them … I am Juanito Bandito. 

            MAGNUS

And?

            BANDITO

They started to crying and then ran away. 

            MAGNUS

Really?

            BANDITO

Half of a dozen of full grown men threw their guns at my feet and ran in the opposite direction like a bunch of little sissy girls. 

            MAGNUS

That’s awesome.

            BANDITO

No it was not awesome.  It was easy.  It was too easy.

            MAGNUS

What about the princess?

            BANDITO

I stole her country’s most priceless treasure and do you know what she did?

            MAGNUS

Scream?

            BANDITO

No.  Worse.  She tried to giving me her phone number.

            MAGNUS

Nooo!

            BANDITO

Yeees!

            MAGNUS

Did you take it?

            BANDITO

Of course I did.  She was super hot. 

      Checks his phone

Speaking of a devil. 

      Reads her text then takes a duckface selfie

Smiley face, panda bear, kissy face, raise the roof hands.

      Sends it and turns back to MAGNUS who is confused

She doesn’t speak English so we communicate with selfies and emoticons.

      Puts phone away

Magnus, I have gone as far as a man can go with this bad guy routine.  It is time to pursue my true passion.

            MAGNUS

You mean rap music?

            BANDITO

This is not just rap music.  It is sharing with the world my good ideas and personal awesomeness through rhythmic speaking on top of really sick beats.

            MAGNUS

Well at least you know what you want.

            BANDITO

I do and the YouTubes are gonna get me there.

            MAGNUS

You Tube.

            BANDITO

What?

            MAGNUS

Nothing.  Oh look, somebody left a comment on one of your videos.

            BANDITO

Yes!  Who?

            MAGNUS

His … or her name is creepythecreeper8000.

            BANDITO

Creepythecreeper8000?  Sounds like he knows what he’s talking about.  We had better read and think carefully about the constructive criticism he is likely to offer us.

            MAGNUS

Hey Bandito, Imma keep it real yo.  You gots the talents but you don’t gots the “it” factor. Do the world a favor home slice and go back to robbin’ da banks.  Hashtag not hatin just sayin’.  Dot dot dot.  Also click this link to find cheap flights and singles in your area.

            MAGNUS

Okay this guy is obviously out of touch, but you know what it makes me wonder?

            BANDITO

What?

            MAGNUS

How cheap are the flights?  Only one way to find out.

      MAGNUS goes to click it but is interrupted

            BANDITO

Magnus!

            MAGNUS

Social security number and home address?  You got it.

            BANDITO

I never thought I would say these words in this order but I think maybe that creepythecreeper is right.  Where is my “it” factor?

            MAGNUS

Every artist needs a shtick.

            BANDITO

A stick?

            MAGNUS

Shtick, a gimmick, an angle.

            BANDITO

How is a stick going to help me become a rapper?

            MAGNUS

Not stick.  Shtick.  The thing that sets you apart.

            BANDITO

I’m a wanted outlaw.  Is that not a good place to start?

            MAGNUS

Listen to yourself.  You’re a former criminal turned musician.

            BANDITO

Oh you’re right.  That is word for word the exact story of every rap artist like pretty much ever.

            MAGNUS

True dat. West siiiide.

            BANDITO

What if we do a quick mindshower?

            MAGNUS

A what?

            BANDITO

A mindshower.

            MAGNUS

Brainstorm?

            BANDITO

Yes.  That.  Quickly say whatever comes to your mind.  What can I do to making myself stand out?

            MAGNUS

You coulllld wear a dress …

            BANDITO

What?

            MAGNUS

… made entirely of bacon.

            BANDITO

Lady Gaga already did that.

            MAGNUS

Right.  Oh!  You could just act like a tough guy and marry someone awesome.

            BANDITO

Like Jay Z?

            MAGNUS

Oh that’s right.  You could always go the Hannah Montana route?

            BANDITO

Hannah Montana?

            MAGNUS

Just be really offensive and wear revealing clothing and make ugly faces and stick out your tongue a lot.

            BANDITO

Don’t you mean Miley Cyrus?

            MAGNUS

Same person.

            BANDITO

No!  Not to me she’s not.

            MAGNUS

You could hire a backup dancer?

            BANDITO

Hmmm.

            MAGNUS

Someone to help you project your ill flow unto your peeps.

            BANDITO

Maybe, but it would have to be someone distinct.

            MAGNUS

      Suddenly intrigued

What do you mean distinct?

            BANDITO

Like a dancer with some very unique characteristics.  Someone who is veryyyy …

            MAGNUS

Unconventional?

            BANDITO

Uncon-what?

            MAGNUS

Someone who has a hidden desire to express his inner beauty through outward and artistic movements.

            BANDITO 

Magnus, are you suggesting that I make you my backing up dancer?

            MAGNUS

Maybe. 

            BANDITO

Magnus you’re way too young.

            MAGNUS

What do you mean?

            BANDITO

You’re like 17 years old.  I can’t have someone as my backing up dancer who can’t even open his own checking account.

            MAGNUS

I’m not 17.

            BANDITO

Sorry, 16.

            MAGNUS

I’m 26.

            BANDITO

Haha.  Good try. 

            MAGNUS

It’s true.

            BANDITO

Look at how tall you are.  26?  I don’t think so.

            MAGNUS

You think I’m 16 because I’m short?

            BANDITO

It is a scientific fact that all people not taller than about right here are either a. children or b. missing parts of their lower limbs and since it seems that your limbs are fully functional, science says that you’re no older than 14 years of age.

            MAGNUS 

      Under his breath

That’s not a true statement.

            BANDITO

It’s a fact.  A scientific fact.

            MAGNUS

I’m not sure you understand the meaning of scientific fact.

            BANDITO

      Drawing his gun

And I’m not sure you understand how much of my time you are wasting by not focusing on how to solve my problems right now!  What kind of neighbor are you?  Focus! 

      MAGNUS starts writing furiously in his notebook

What are you writing?

            MAGNUS

Nothing.

            BANDITO

How come whenever your face turns red you write in your little notebook?

            MAGNUS

No reason.

            BANDITO

Can I see it?

            MAGNUS

No.  It’s mine.

      Does the dog barking routine

            BANDITO

Gimme it.

            MAGNUS

No-

Suddenly there’s a loud knock at the door.  BANDITO opens it.  In comes LINDSEY with a boombox over her shoulder.  MAGNUS is scared to death of her. 

            BANDITO

What in the name of the man with the yellow hat is happening right now?

She walks right in to the center of the room, sets the boombox down and pushes play.  We hear music and AMOS’s voice being played through the boombox.

            AMOS VOICEOVER

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, please pardon this brief interruption.  My name is Amos Moody and the beautiful animal you see before you is my mate Lindsey.  We’ve come to your city from the far and distant land of Australia … where the wallabies roam and the word mate just means friend.  We’d like to invite you to join us tonight for a one-night only, live entertainment spectacle unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.  You see, not only does Lindsey lack imposable thumbs, but she also lacks the ability to resist the urge to get down and boogie.  Check it out!

There’s one measure of hip hop beat and LINDSEY does a choreographed step or two.  She picks up the boombox and exits as we hear the last line.

Awesome right?!  If you’re anxious to see the most amazing show on earth that doesn’t have to do with green witches or Mormon missionaries, just drop what you’re doing and follow that monkey!

LINDSEY exits with the boombox.  MAGNUS and BANDITO stare at each other.

            BANDITO

The universe has brought me my “it” factor.

            MAGNUS

What?

            BANDITO

That gorilla is my shtick!

            MAGNUS

Your stick?

            BANDITO

Shtick!

            MAGNUS

Oh ya, right.  Well what are we waiting for!

They run out the door after LINDSEY.  Music plays and the scene changes to the makeshift circus set up in the middle of town.  Drumroll.

            VOICEOVER

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Amos Moody Entertainment Incorporated presents, Amos and Lindsey!

Lindsey, sit.  Good girl.  Lindsey, shake.  Good girl.  Lindsey, jump.  Good girl. 

SCENE:

The song end and the scene changes back to BANDITO’s mancave.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are there.  MAGNUS is dressed in a funny business suit. 

            MAGNUS

Are you sure this isn’t a trite much?

            BANDITO

No.  We have to show this man that we are meaning business.

            MAGNUS

It doesn’t even fit.  It’s too big.

            BANDITO

Is it my fault that your mother decided to marry a Harry Potter house elf? 

            MAGNUS

My father was not an elf.

            BANDITO

Are you sure?

            MAGNUS

No.

            BANDITO

Do you have the paperwork?

            MAGNUS

Here.

            BANDITO

Good.  Now just stand back there and do not say anything unless I tell you.

      A knock.  BANDITO answers.  It’s AMOS and LINDSEY.

Amos Moody!  Thank you for agreeing to come on such short notice.  Or I guess as they say in your country, “Thank you for agreeing to come on such short notice.”  Do they do the kissing the cheeks thing in Australia?

            AMOS

No, not really.

            BANDITO

Good.  I’m super glad about that.  Amos, Amos Amos … did you bring any of your famous vending machine cookies?

            AMOS

Uh what?

            BANDITO

Please come in and have a seat … and try to forget about the cookie thing, it was funnier in my head.

BANDITO sees LINDSEY who is following AMOS into the room.

Oh my good night look at – look at this gorilla.  She’s beautiful.  You are beautiful.  Can she understand me?

            AMOS

No mate, she’s a monkey so …

            BANDITO

So … ?

            AMOS

So she don’t speak English.

            BANDITO

Oh right.  She’s Australian.

      Louder and with actions

You are beautiful!

MAGNUS clears his throat trying to help the situation

This is my … associate, Magnus Ankleburt.

      MAGNUS starts to move forward

            MAGNUS

A pleasure to –

            BANDITO

Magnus please shut it, mmmkay?  Thank you.  Forget about him, let’s talk about us shall we?  Please sit.

MAGNUS writes in notebook.  AMOS speaks to LINDSEY.  During this scene she starts next to AMOS but moves back at some point to torment MAGNUS who is scared to death of her.

            AMOS

Sit.  Stay.

            BANDITO

So tell me Mr. Moody, how’s … how is your monkey business?

            AMOS

Pardon?

            BANDITO

The business with the monkeys, how is it doing?

            AMOS

Well.  We’re doing alright I’d say.

            BANDITO

Really?

     

            AMOS

Ya.

            BANDITO

Reeeeealy?  Cause you wanna know what I see?

            AMOS

What?

            BANDITO

I see the eggs and the flour but no cupcakes.

            AMOS

Huh?

            BANDITO

I see peanut butter and jelly but no sandwich.

            AMOS

Um-

            BANDITO

I see sugar and pink stuff and … some strange kind of magic but no cotton candy.  Do you understand what I’m saying?

            AMOS

No actually.

            BANDITO

Your act has the ingredients for success but you are walking away with pennies with the real money still on the table.

            AMOS

Did you say money?

            BANDITO

I always say money.

            AMOS

That doesn’t make a lot of sense, but suddenly I want to hear what you have to say.

            BANDITO

Let me take over your act.

            AMOS

Take over?

            BANDITO

We make a few small adjustments and then we split the profits right down the middle.  80-20.

            AMOS

80-20?

Based on our own individual awesomeness. 

      Indicating BANDITO and then AMOS

80.  20.

            AMOS

I’m no mathematician but that doesn’t seem quite right.

            BANDITO

Okay fine, we go based on the size of the mustache.  80-20.

            AMOS

Nah-

            BANDITO

The stretchiness of our pants?

            AMOS

I don’t think-

            BANDITO

You’re right.  Let’s just keep it simple and go by height.  80-20.

            AMOS

Do you really think you’re four times taller than me?

            BANDITO

And I thought you were not a mathematician.  Listen, the numbers aren’t what’s important.  What’s important is that Lindsey reach her full potential.

            AMOS

But I can’t just hand her over to a stranger.  See Lindsey, this act, it’s everything I’ve ever worked for.

            BANDITO

Yes.  And maybe you should have worked a little harder.

            AMOS

I think I’m gonna go.

            BANDITO

Small changes, big rewards.

            AMOS

What do you mean changes?

            BANDITO

Well first off we need to take some of the focus off of the monkey.  Let’s not focus on Lindsey.  Let’s shine a light on the real talent.

            AMOS

Yeah.  That’s exactly what I’ve always thought.  I’m glad you said that.

            BANDITO

I’m not going to play second fiddle to a monkey.

            AMOS

What do you mean, you?

            BANDITO

Oh, that’s the other little thing we will need to change.

            AMOS

What?

            BANDITO            

I don’t know how to say this. 

            AMOS

Just say it.

            BANDITO

It’s you.

            AMOS 

Me?

            BANDITO

Oh.  I’m so glad you agree. 

            AMOS 

But I-

            BANDITO

Lindsey needs to perform with someone who has real star power.  Someone with glutes that just won’t stop.  A man with a real mustache who can take her straight to the top.  Amos, do you know who I am talking about?

            AMOS 

You?

            BANDITO

Okay.  I do it.

            AMOS 

Wait, what?!

            BANDITO

Magnus, bring me the contract.  20 for you, 80 for me.

            MAGNUS

Plus the rights to all branding and licensing sign here please.

            AMOS

No.

            BANDITO

Excuse me?

            AMOS

That’s a bad deal mate.  I’m not signing your contract.

            BANDITO

Actually I think you are.

            AMOS

No, I’m not.

            BANDITO

Amos, I don’t think you understand.  My name is Juanito Bandito.

            AMOS

I know who you are.

            BANDITO

Normally I do not giving people “options.”  This is a take it or lose it proposition.

            AMOS

What are you saying?

            BANDITO

Take it or lose it.

            AMOS

Are you threatening me?

            BANDITO

Does this answer your question?

Does a quick fire with someone shooting the gun offstage.

      AMOS

No, actually it doesn’t.

            BANDITO

How about this?

      Does it again.

            AMOS

Still not understanding.

            BANDITO

Maybe this will help.

      One more time

            AMOS

Something about the monkey and the shooting of the gun…?

            BANDITO

I’m showing you how fast I am with the gun.

            AMOS

Oh …

            BANDITO

And that makes you intimidated because you know that if I want to I can come and use my fast guns to choot choo.

            AMOS

I see. 

            BANDITO

So?

            AMOS

I think I’m gonna take my chances. 

            BANDITO

That is a dumb move my friend.

            AMOS

Lindsey come.  Good day.

AMOS and LINDSEY leave.  MAGNUS calms down a bit after having been tormented by LINDSEY.

            MAGNUS

Well that could have gone better.

            BANDITO  

Really?  I thought it went really well.

            MAGNUS

Really.

            BANDITO

No.

SCENE:

Scene change music.  Lights up at nighttime on AMOS and COCO talking.  LINDSEY is nowhere to be seen.

            AMOS

And then he says to me, ‘this is a take it or lose it proposition,’ and he shoots his gun fast as lightning.  I had half a mind to punch his teeth in.

            COCO

Well it’s probabably a good thing you didn’t.  Man like that you never know what he’s capable a doin’.

            AMOS

He don’t scare me. 

            COCO

Well he does me. 

            AMOS

Lindsey?!!

Out comes LINDSEY with bag of cookies unopened.  AMOS talks to her and at first we think he is being nice.

There’s my little girl.  Yes, there you are.  Bring it on over now, ya like a good girl.  Thank you.

      Suddenly very hostile in an attempt to scare her

Now get lost!

      LINDSEY jumps.  AMOS laughs rudely.

Hahahaha!  Stupid mutt.  Did you see her jump?  Hahahaha!

COCO is obviously feeling bad for LINDSEY but doesn’t want AMOS to see it.  She laughs weakly.

            COCO

Hahaha.

Quietly to LINDSEY.  COCO treats LINDSEY like a person.

I’m so sorry.

AMOS starts eating the cookies as he talks.  He pretends to be nice to LINDSEY while saying all of these mean things.

      AMOS

You think you’re so special don’t you?  Oh look at me, I’m a monkey and I can dance. Wooohoo!

            COCO

Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on her.

            AMOS

It’s all about Lindsey, isn’t it?  Nevermind the person who trained her.  Taught her the steps.  Put the act together.  Nooo.  It’s all about her.

            COCO

Well she is a dancing monkey.

            AMOS

Oh look Mommy, a dancing monkey.  Yes dear but what about the man?  Man?  What man?  There’s a man?!

      He sees that LINDSEY is eyeing the cookies

You want some cookies?  Do ya?  Here you go.

      Pulls it back and eats it

Just kidding!  Ya little mutt!  Hahahaha!

      The phone rings.  COCO answers it.

            COCO

Amos Moody Entertainment Incorporated.  Coco speaking.  Oh hi Mr. Wilkenshire.  Oh yeah, he’s right here.  Good to talk to you too Mr. Wilkenshire.

      Hands it to AMOS.  Whispering.

It’s for you.

He’s about to speak when she interrupts with another whisper.

It’s Mister Wilkenshire.

            AMOS

Right.

      Goes to speak again, interrupted again

            COCO

He wants to talk to you about the “you know who.”

            AMOS

Got it.  Thanks.

      Answers phone

Hello?  Really, well that’s great news.  And the price?  That will do.  That’ll certainly do.  Best estimation I can have the package there in no less than a week.  We’ll leave first thing in the mornin’.  Nice doin’ business with you.

Ends the call.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are sneaking on behind.

I did it. 

            COCO

      Sad.  She knows what it means.

Oh no.

            AMOS

Oh yes.  Life is about to get a whole lot brighter for old Amos Moody.

            COCO

It’s so sad.

            AMOS

Maybe for her, but not for me.  I’ve had enough of this.  Cage!

LINDSEY runs into the cage.  AMOS locks her in.  She indicates that she wants some cookies.

     

Ohhh, the dingo is feeling hungry.  We’ll you’d better enjoy that feeling while it lasts cause in about a week you won’t be feelin’ much of anything.  You know why not?  Cause you’ll be d-

MAGNUS knocks something over.  BANDITO is hiding.  AMOS turns to MAGNUS who is shielding his face.

Who goes there?!

            AMOS 

No one.  Just passing through.  That’s a beautiful … cage you have there.  Okay well, bye.

      He hurries off

            COCO

This place give me the creeps.

            AMOS 

Just as well cause we’re leavin’ first thing.

            COCO

Good. 

      LINDSEY barely starts to make noise

            AMOS

Quieeeet!  Ugh!  You’re so loud.  You mutt.

The lights dim and they both fall asleep.  BANDITO comes from his hiding place.  LINDSEY sees him and starts to make noise a little.  AMOS stirs.

            BANDITO

Shhhh!

She quiets down, trusting him.  He goes over and steals the cookies from AMOS’s lap.  Gives them to LINDSEY.  She is super excited about it.

Shhhh.

He pries the lock off and opens the door.  LINDSEY is afraid at first. 

It’s okay.  Come on.  Coooome on.

LINDSEY takes his hand and leaves the cage.  Once out she snuggles up to BANDITO for just a moment as if to say thanks and then she takes off.

Wait!  Where are you going?!

This startles AMOS and COCO who wake up slowly just in time to see BANDITO running out of their camp.

SCENE:

Scene change to main street.  Lights up the next morning and BANDITO and MAGNUS enter running.

            BANDITO

Anything?

            MAGNUS

No. 

            BANDITO

Ahhh!

            MAGNUS

That gorilla is as elusive as a five-legged hippie on a houseboat.

            BANDITO

What?

            MAGNUS

That’s just a saying.

            BANDITO

No.  No it’s not. 

            MAGNUS

Yes it is.

            BANDITO

Julie have you ever heard of that saying?  Me neither.  Did you just make that up?

            MAGNUS

      He did.

No.

      AMOS enters followed by COCO

            COCO

There he is.

            AMOS

Hold it right there mate!

            BANDITO

Can I help you?

            AMOS

Where is she?!

            BANDITO

Who?

            COCO

Who do ya think?

            AMOS

Where’s my gorilla?

            BANDITO

You mean the one with the hair and the face?  Bout this tall?  Dancer type?

            COCO

Ya, that’s her.

            AMOS

Where is she?

            BANDITO

Haven’t seen her.

            AMOS

You little-

      Lunges toward BANDITO but BANDITO’s gun stops him

            BANDITO

What?  Me little what?

            AMOS

Give her back or-

            BANDITO

Or what?  What will you do, dancing monkey boy?

            MAGNUS 

I’ll call the authorities.

            BANDITO

The authorities?  And what will you tell them?  Juanito Bandito stole something from me.  You know what they will tell you?  Get in line.  The authorities don’t dare come within 50 miles of –

DARCY enters.  She’s all business.  No-nonsense.  No emotion.  Doing her job and doing it well. Very smart.

            DARCY

Juanito Bandito?

            BANDITO

Yes.

            DARCY

      Showing her badge

My name is Darcy Brown.  I’m a special situations negotiator sent by the United States government. 

            AMOS 

Yes!  This is great.  This man stole my monkey.

DARCY looks at BANDITO for an explanation.  She’s confused.

He’s a monkey-napper!  Came right into my camp last night and took my gorilla he did.

      Again she looks to BANDITO for explanation

            BANDITO

Miss?

            DARCY

Brown.

            BANDITO

Miss Brown, this is my good friend, Dingbat.

            DARCY

Dingbat?

            AMOS

Dingbat?

            BANDITO

Yes, Dingbat.  He got dropped on his head when he was a nino so …

            DARCY

Oh he’s …

            BANDITO

Yes.  It’s very sad.

            AMOS

Wait, what are you say- 

      Makes the crazy sign

            BANDITO

He’s crazy. 

            AMOS

No I am not crazy.  This man stole my monkey.  Get me back my monkey!

      A pause

            BANDITO

See what I mean?

She considers it and then decides to believe BANDITO’s version of the story.  Turns to BANDITO.

            DARCY

I see.

            AMOS

What?!  What do you see?

            BANDITO

Quiet, Dingbat!  The lady is trying to speak.

            DARCY

Thank you.  Mr. Bandito, I’m here to negotiate your arrest and the recovery of the crown jewels of Buku. 

            BANDITO

My arrest did you say?

            DARCY

Do you or do you not have the Buku crown jewels in your possession?

            BANDITO

Funny.  I can’t really remember.

      She laughs.  She doesn’t take any crap.

            DARCY

Mr. Bandito, can I be frank?

            BANDITO

This far away from home you can be whoever you want … Frank.

      This does make her break a little.

            DARCY

You’re cute.

            BANDITO

I’m not sure if cute is the right word.  Awesome maybe.  Handsome … attractive … genetically gifted-

            DARCY

The president is irked. 

            BANDITO

I’m really sorry to hear that.

            DARCY

The jewels will be recovered.  And we’re going to make you pay for your crimes.

            BANDITO

Ha.  You and what army?

            DARCY

The US Army.

            BANDITO

Now you’re being the cute one.

            DARCY 

This is no joke.  The president has dispatched an armed cavalry headed by a US Marshall.  They’ll be here in a matter of days, maybe hours.

            BANDITO

Oooh I’m so scared.

            DARCY

You should be.

            BANDITO

I’ll face them down myself.  How many are there?

            DARCY

Over three hundred. 

            BANDITO

I will not face them down myself.  I will run.  Magnus, pack my bags.

            DARCY

It won’t do you any good. They’ve surrounded this town and are approaching from every direction. The Marshall has been instructed to bring you back dead or alive.  Preferably dead.

            MAGNUS 

That is not good.  Not good at all.

            DARCY

To steal a line from my favorite African American boy band, you’ve come to the end of the road.  Close quote.  Your best bet is to hand over the jewels and negotiate a plea.

      Thinks about it for a beat

            BANDITO

Boyz to Men?

            DARCY

Of course.

            BANDITO

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do Miss … ?

            DARCY

Brown.  Darcy Brown.

            BANDITO

Miss Darcy Brown.  I’m going to pull out my gun like this and tell you to make like a bread truck and move your buns out of here.  Entiende?

            DARCY

Fine. But please consider my offer.  If you return the jewels peacefully, you’ll still be apprehended, but this will be far less likely to end with you experiencing a short drop and a sudden stop. 

            AMOS 

Sorry to bother again but Miss Brown?

            DARCY

Yes Mr. Dingbat?

      BANDITO and MAGNUS laugh

            AMOS

Is there any chance you might also help get me my gorilla back?  Her name is Lindsey and she dances for me – with me!  I dance with a monkey.

            COCO

It’s true, your honor.  He cannot tell a lie. 

      She looks at BANDITO who indicates loco again

            DARCY

Okay then.

She exits.  AMOS looks at BANDITO spitefully, but BANDITO still has his gun drawn.  AMOS and COCO leave, mad.

            MAGNUS 

Well that throws another wrench in the works doesn’t it? It’s a shame really.  I thought Lindsay was going to be your big break.

            BANDITO

She is.

            MAGNUS

What? You heard the woman.  One hundred armed men.  They’ll be here any moment. 

            BANDITO

The gorilla is my destiny.

            MAGNUS

But you have to leave.  You have to run far far away and never come back and then my life will be so much better.

            BANDITO

What?

            MAGNUS

      Faking sincerity

I’m … nervous for you.

            BANDITO

Magnus that’s really sweet, but when a man discovers his destiny there is not a thing in the world that can stop him.  Not 300 men.  Not ten hundred men.  I was born to be a rapper and that can not happen without Lindsey.  Now get out there and keep looking for her!  I’m going home to take a nap.

            MAGNUS

A nap?

            BANDITO

Yes, a nap.  We have been up all night chasing a dancing monkey.  I need to take a nap.

            MAGNUS

What about me?

            BANDITO

Magnus, you are like 5 foot nothing.  You don’t need a nap.

            MAGNUS

What? 

            BANDITO

It is a scientific fact that children don’t need to sleep as much as adultos.

            MAGNUS

Okay two things about that.  One: that’s false and two: I’m an adult.

            BANDITO

Magnus, twelve years old is hardly an adult. 

            MAGNUS

I’m twenty-six.

            BANDITO

That’s cute, you kids always wanting to grow up so fast.  Now go!  Find my shtick!

      MAGNUS writes furiously as lights dim to black

SCENE:

Lights up on PEITRA’s taco truck in the evening.  PEITRA is fixing a plate by the truck.  There’s a table set out on the street with two chairs.  DARCY is sitting in one, waiting for someone.  Her glasses are off and her hair is down.  She is “off the clock.”  The stuffy lawyer is gone.  She is quirky and fun and likeable.  She checks her watch.  PEITRA comes forward with the plate.

            PEITRA

Beef tacos for the lady.

            DARCY

Thank you.

      He stands there staring, awkward.

            PEITRA

Aren’t you not eating?

            DARCY

Oh, yes.

      She takes a bit to appease him.  Smiles.

            PEITRA

Good?

            DARCY

Delicious.

Good. 

I told you she’d like it.

She just said that so as not to be rude.

Shut it.

No, you shut it.

Anything else for you, then?

Oh, me.  Yes well actually I’m expecting someone.  Could you bring some more?

Beef?

Yes that’ll be fine.

We’re all out of beef.

Oh well what-

But I have a cow.

     

Grabs his butcher knife which is attached to his apron.  Smiles.

I will return.

Oh.  Okay.

He’s still there, knife up looking at her.  After a beat he talks to himself.

She’s pretty.

Shhh.  Don’t talk to me, she’ll think we’re insane.

But we are insane.

Shhh!

Fine.

He exits.  BANDITO enters.  She stands to greet him.

            DARCY

Mr. Bandito.

            BANDITO

Miss Brown.

            DARCY

Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.

            BANDITO

Ya well we all have to do things that we don’t want to do.

            DARCY

I understand your frustration, and believe me when I say that I’m sorry.

            BANDITO

Sorry?  Sorry for what?

            DARCY

For the fact that you’re probably going die … fairly soon.

            BANDITO

We are all of us going to die soon.  Soon tomorrow, soon 10 years, soon 50 years ...

            DARCY

You’re right … which is exactly why I asked you to meet me here.

      She gets something from her bag

This isn’t easy for me so I’m just going to ask.

            BANDITO

Okay?

            DARCY

      Blurting

Will you sign these?

She spreads out several “wanted” posters and holds up a pen.  BANDITO holds one up.

            BANDITO

You want me to sign your posters?

            DARCY

I know.  Kinda weird right?

            BANDITO

Not kinda. 

            DARCY

It’s just, see …  I’m a really big fan …

      Waits for reaction, gets none

… of you.  I mean of what you’ve done.  Your work.  You’re a fffascinating individual.

            BANDITO

Umm … so you are not sent here by the Presidente?

            DARCY

Oh no I am, but I work for the government and it’s past 5pm so …  done.  I’m off the clock.  Yay!

            BANDITO

And you want me to …

            DARCY

Sign my posters.  You can write “To Darcy” if you want.  Or maybe on a couple you could just say, “To Darce,” or “Darce-meister” or “Dear Darcinator” you know, whatever.  We tight like that, right?

Holds up a fist for bumping, BANDITO doesn’t move.  He’s weary of her.

You don’t trust me do you?

            BANDITO

No.  This does not making sense.

            DARCY

Oh loosen up a little!  Yes, by day we are arch-enemies fighting on opposite sides of the law, but can’t we just be friends?  Just for tonight?  

            BANDITO

Why?

            DARCY

Because why not? I want to hear about your life. Seriously.  I’ve been a fan for a really long time.  You’re awesome.

            BANDITO

You hit that nail on the head. 

            DARCY

So listen, let’s just talk friend to friend and I promise that everything that is said here tonight will be completely off the record.

            BANDITO

This is weird.

            DARCY

I know, but you’re intrigued, am I right?

            BANDITO

Fine.

            DARCY

Yessss!  This is so super awesome.

            BANDITO

Hey, that’s what I always say.

            DARCY

I know.

      Hands him the pen.

So tell me everything.

            BANDITO

Everything?

            DARCY

Start at the beginning.  I want to hear your entire life story.

            BANDITO

That might take a while.

            DARCY

I’ve got time.

            BANDITO

Okay.  -

      Lights freeze

Okay so ya it was a little bit strange at first, but Miss Darcy Brown ended up  after a while things started to get a little bit crazy.

Truth or dare?

Dare.

Okay.

He whispers something into DARCY’s ear.  She laughs. 

Too easy.

You’re not going to do it.

Watch me.

She goes into the audience, finds someone with popcorn, takes a handful and throws it into the air trying to catch some in her mouth. Says to the person.

Sorry.  He made me do it.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

Okay, if you had one wish … what would it be?

That’s a good one.  I guess, just one time in my life I wish I could walk into a room full of people, look around and not know for a fact that I am the smartest, cleverest, most attractive and best smelling person in the room.

      She laughs then stops

Oh you’re not joking.

About what?

Oh my.

Okay your turn.

Truth.

What is one thing about yourself that you’ve never told anyone before?

Pass.

Oh, come on.

It’s embarrassing.

This conversation is “off the record,” remember?

Okay fine.  I guess it’s something that started at the end of my first big case.  It was against Keith the Killer Miller, do you remember?

Wasn’t that the guy that ____.

Ya.

Song begins.  She explains that she puts away the criminals but secretly says “escape and take me with you”.  “Let me enjoy the freedom of breaking a rule or two.”  Maybe it starts with a prologue about how her parents taught her to obey the rules and then she got into a profession that enforces the rules and secretly she wants to know what it feels like to live a little bit outside of the rules.  Not too far, but she wants to know what freedom feels like.

Darcy Brown … you’re not as good as you think you are.

And you are not as bad as you think you are.

Well, there’s some stuffs you don’t know.

Really?

Yes, but that’s not the point.  The point is that I would like to make you a business proposition … off the record of course.  There is an army coming to kill me is there not?

Yes there is.

So what if you-

      Whispers in her ear.  She’s shocked.

What?!  Why?!

And then I would-

      Whisper

Ohhh.

And after that we-

      Whisper

What do you think?

It would get you out of having to die … which is kind of a bummer if you think about it … dying.

Yes.  Aaand it would give you the chance to having some adventures in your life.

It would.

So?

Tempting.

Say yes.

I can’t. 

Why not?

I’m sorry I just can’t.  I have an obligation to my job.

      She gets up to leave

Where are you going?

I didn’t realize how late it was.  Thank you for some very interesting conversation and for signing my posters.  I’m sure they will be very beneficial to me after you are killed if I ever get into financial trouble and need to sell them online.  Sorry, I’m not sure why I just said that. 

You say what you think.  I like that about you.

Good night Mr. Bandito.

Good night Miss Brown.

There’s a beat after she leaves.  BANDITO yells offstage in the other direction to PEITRA.

Pietra!  Where are my tacos?!  It’s been like two hours hombre!

Come back here cow!  Cow!  Stop running, cow!  Pietra needs to turn you into delicious tacos!

LINDSEY runs on followed by PEITRA who is chasing her with a knife.  She stops when PEITRA grabs her wrist.

Lindsey!  Lindsey what are you doing here.

Pietra must kill the cow.

Pietra no.  This is not a cow.

That’s what cow would like you to believe. Time to die cow. 

Pietra stop.

Taco time!

Pietra wait.  Look!

He points at PEITRA’s shirt, distracting him long enough for BANDITO to grab the knife from him.

Awwww.  No tacos?

No Pietra, it’s okay.  I don’t need tacos.

But the cow …

This is not a cow.

Not cow?

No … it’s … it’s a unicorn.

Unicorn?

Yes, a unicorn.  Aaaand according to tribal legend, anyone who gets within 10 feet of a unicorn will face the wrath of … Zorg.

Zorg!?

Yes.  Zorg, the mighty plastic enemy of all things happy … and Disney.

Ahhhhh!  Bad unicorn.  Bad!

It’s okay.  I’ll take her away.  You won’t see her ever again.

Bad unicorn.

Right.  Speak of this to no one.

      BANDITO and LINDSEY exit.  

I almost quit again yesterday

Wanted to quit really bad yesterday.  Worked hard on campus at USU from noon-8pm and came up with a big goose egg as far as ideas were concerned.  Started thinking about re-doing one of the other Bandito shows or even another musical.  It's quite a mental strain to face alone.  Today i talked with Derek early on and it helped me get excited.  I drove down to SLC to work in the public library to get around some different vibes.  There are definitely some different vibes down here:)  Here's what I've got as far as a super-quick outline:

BANDITO monologue interrupted by MAGNUS into
SONG: I am destined to become a rapper.  Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

MAGNUS explains that BANDITO needs a gimmick
SONG: AMOS YouTube video into LINDSEY intro song

BANDITO invites AMOS to his house to buy LINDSEY.  AMOS refuses.

BANDITO goes to kidnap LINDSEY and LINDSEY escapes

DARCY enters and says BANDITO is doomed

MAGNUS says let’s run.  BANDITO refuses to leave without monkey.

DARCY and BANDITO have dinner
SONG: DARCY no more rules, freedom song - take me with you
BANDITO offers DARCY a way out.  She refuses.

PIETRA has LINDSEY.  BANDITO gets possession and saves LINDSEY life.

BANDITO takes LINDSEY to his apt.  MAGNUS finds out.  They fall asleep.

MAGNUS and AMOS plan to poison BANDITO

MAGNUS and AMOS try to poison BANDITO and MAGNUS poisons himself and dies.

LINDSEY enters unexpectedly and saves BANDITO from AMOS in the same manner that he saved her from PIETRA.

DARCY shoots BANDITO in the back

GARRETT enters

DARCY frames GARRETT for MAGNUS murder

PIETRA and GIRL end up together

DARCY and BANDITO were in cahoots

MAN comes to offer BANDITO a deal without LINDSEY

BANDITO refuses it

DARCY goes off to rob MAN.  Congratulations.  You’ve just become the single biggest investor in Mr. Bandito’s latest album release.  Please step into my office and we can discuss the terms.  80-20.

SONG: Do the monkey

An exercise for my subconscious mind