Getting pretty excited

I don't have enough time to write nearly the tip of the iceberg on what's happened over the past week.  I've been non-stop 9am-1,2or3am working on the show.  Derek has been huge as usual.  Not only does he have the talent to write and come up with stuff but he doesn't have the mental blocks that I do.  He sees creativity as a task to be accomplished and he can sit down and accomplish it without letting his head get in the way.  He's come up with so many great things.  We are about to have our first rehearsals tomorrow and as I read through the script it's hard to know which ideas were mine and which were other people's.  Yes, it takes the talent to put them into the show and make them work in context but the original ideas came from varied places and people.  The show has evolved soooo much as you know if you've followed the blog or read the last 2 months of posts.

Below is the script as it is now.  I am sooo excited to get it on the stage.  I'm confident that it's going to be amazing.  It's going to take a superhuman amount of work over the next 3 weeks, but it will be done.

None of the songs are completed at this point.  I have a really good start on 2 or 3 of them but none of the tracks are started.  I'm going to have to re-teach myself Logic notation again which is super frustrating but I will get it done.

So ya, that's all I have time to write right now.  Here's the script:

--
JUANITO BANDITO IN THE ONE WITH THE MONKEY

SCENE: THE PRESS CONFERENCE

Musical introduction and with a beat there’s a sudden spotlight on MAGNUS center.  He’s standing stooped in front of a press conference setup with a microphone and a snowcone/gatorade and a branded backdrop. All of the reporters are in matching navy and baby blue outfits with large rimmed black glasses.

            MAGNUS
Testing one two.  Testing. 

      Clears throat

On behalf of Juanito Bandito, I’d like to thank you all for coming to witness today’s big announcement which I’m sure will some day be written about in the history books.  My name is Magnus Ankleburt and I am Mr. Bandito’s agent.  Mr. Bandito will read a statement and then take a few of your questions.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the one and only, Juanito Bandito.

BANDITO enters in dark sunglasses with music playing in the background. Camera flashes are going off.  He sits.

I am going to keep this simple. I have some sad news and I have some happy news.  The sad news is that after much thinking and considerationing I have decided to retire from being a bad guy … starting today. 

The reporters start to shout questions and make noise all simultaneously. 

      REPORTER(S)
Mr. Bandito, what do you mean by “retire?”

Are you saying no more bank robberies?

What brought about the sudden change?

MAGNUS comes forward to shush them.

            MAGNUS
Quiet please.  Ladies and gentlemen, please hold your questions.  Thank you.

            BANDITO
The happy news is that since I am stepping away from the day to day responsibilities of being a stone cold killer, I will now have time to focus on my true passion.  My music. Rap music to be more specific.  In conj-  conj-

He looks over his shoulder and MAGNUS comes to read the word that he can’t pronounce.

            MAGNUS
Conjunction.

            BANDITO
Conjunction?

            MAGNUS
Yes, conjunction.

            BANDITO
That’s not a word.

            MAGNUS
Actually it is.

            BANDITO
No, it’s not. 

      Covers the mic

This is what I get for letting you write my speeches?  You make up words for to making me sound stupid? 

            MAGNUS
It’s not made-

            BANDITO
You’re fired.  Pack your bags.

            MAGNUS 
      Quietly under his breath
It’s a word.

            BANDITO
What?

            MAGNUS
Nothing.

MAGNUS takes out his notebook and jots something down. BANDITO continues.

            BANDITO
In conj-

      Looks to MAGNUS again

            MAGNUS
Conjunction.

            BANDITO
In conjunction with this announcement, I am also excited to tell you that one week from today will be my very first concert appearance featuring songs from my dee-butt album. 

            MAGNUS
Debut.

            BANDITO
Bless you.  I will now take your questions.

      They all speak, trying to get his attention

            REPORTER
Mr. Bandito! 

            BANDITO
Yes?

            REPORTER
You’re the fastest gun in the world and the most successful semi-fictional Spanish outlaw in history. Why the sudden change of interest?

            BANDITO
Let me try to es-plain.  As you maybe have heard about, a couple of weeks ago I robbed a stagecoach that was transporting the Princess of Bhutan.

            REPORTER
A stagecoach robbery?

            REPORTER
A princess?

            REPORTER
That sounds exciting!

            BANDITO
Yes, except not.

            REPORTER
Can you elaborate?

            BANDITO
I would love to, but I’m not sure what that word means.  Instead I will continue to give you some more details. I came up to the guards and told them that I was going to rob the coach.  One of them asked me who I thought I was and so I told them, “I am Juanito Bandito.”

REPORTER
And?

            BANDITO
They started crying … like a bunch of little sissy girls.

            REPORTER
What about the Princess?

            BANDITO
I stole her money, her jewelries and her horses and do you know what she did?

            REPORTER
Scream?

            BANDITO
No.  She gave me her phone number.

            REPORTER
You’re kidding.

            BANDITO
I wish I was.

            REPORTER
Did you take it?

            BANDITO
She was super hot so yes.

      Phone text sound effect.  Checks his phone

Speaking of a devil. 

      Reads her text then takes a duckface selfie

Smiley face, panda bear, Bandito face, raise the roof hands.

      Send sound effect

She doesn’t speak English so we communicate with emoticons.

      Puts phone away

What I am trying to say here is that robbing the coach was too easy. It has all become too easy and that, my friends, is why I am done using my guns for to getting the things that I want.

      Calls on another reporter

Yes?

            REPORTER
Can you tell us more about your upcoming concert?

            BANDITO
Well, it’s next week and it’s gonna be awesome. 

            REPORTER
Can you elaborate?

            BANDITO
Again, I’m not sure, but I can tell you that it will be literally the most super-awesome thing you have ever seen in your entire life.  Like this will be your mind and I will be like-

      Blows

Blown.  … I am literally going to blow your mind.

Some vocal reaction from the reporters. BANDITO calls on another.

Yes.

            REPORTER
Are you aware of the fact that you just misused the word “literally?”

            BANDITO
Are you aware of the fact that you are dumb?  Next question. 

            REPORTER
Are you-

Suddenly on runs PEITRA who is wearing nothing but a sign that has a website on it.  Some razzle dazzle music from the PIANO.

            PEITRA
Hey, hey, hey!

            MAGNUS
Woah, Peitra what are you doing?

            PEITRA
      Turns to MAGNUS and BANDITO
So sorry.  Will just be a moment.

      Turns to the cameras and speaks

Hello internet!  I am Pietra of Pietra’s Pickle Sickles, your one stop internet shop for the world’s most delicious pickle treats now offering free worldwide pickle shipping.

            BANDITO
Security!

            PEITRA
Visit online at ww dot pietra’s pickles dot com.

            BANDITO
Security!  Magnus, that’s you.  Security!  Please get this man out of my press conference.

      MAGNUS drags him off as he says his last line

            PEITRA
Use the discount code cucumber to receive a free two liter pickle juice!

            BANDITO
Sorry for that.  I have time for one more question.  Yes.

            REPORTER
Why do you want to become a rapper of all things?  Why not something normal and at least partially useful … like a dentist?

      Musical intro begins

            BANDITO
First of all, dentists are kind of freaky.  Secondly, a rapper is not something you become.  A rapper is something you just are.

            REPORTER
Would you care to elaborate? 

            BANDITO
Pretty sure not, but I will give you further details.  It’s like this.

SONG: DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO

LEMME LAY IT DOWN LIKE IT IS
LEMME LAY IT OUT LOUD LIKE A DAD TO HIS KIDS
YOU SEE,
IT’S A STORY ‘BOUT A GUY ON THE FLY
WAKIN UP, SAW THE FUTURE WRITTEN IN THE SKY

IT’S LIKE THIS
EVER SINCE I WAS A SMALL ONE
ALWAYS KNEW THAT THE BEAT WAS MY CALL SON
ALWAYS KNEW THAT ONE DAY
I’D BE ON THE STAGE
BU-BUMP-BUMPIN’
SPITTIN’ RHYMES FOR DAYS AND DAYS

COULDN’T SLEEP, CAUSE I WAS DREAMIN’ IT NIGHTLY
THE VERY THOUGHT GOT ME FEELIN’ SO RIGHTLY
A VISION, COLLISION, A LIGHT IN THE DARK
MY LIFE WAS A DRY BRANCH WAITIN’ FOR THE SPARK

AND NOW YES, MY TIME IS COME
TIME FOR JACK WIGGETTY WHACK MACK LYRICAL FUN
AND DON’T STRESS, CAUSE IMMA SHOW YOU WHERE IT’S AT
SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP


CHORUS:
YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO WHEN YOU GOTTA DO IT
BE WHAT YOU GOTTA BE WHEN YOU GOTTA BE IT
SEE WHAT YOU GOTTA SEE WHEN YOU GOTTA SEE IT
SOME MEN WERE MEANT TO FLY
BUT I WAS MEANT TO RAP

I GOTTA RAP
RAP LIKE A TOGA
RAP LIKE A KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR
I’M COMIN’ OVAH

RAP LIKE A PRESENT
RAP UP THE CHEESE
WRAP THE ONLY HEALTHY THING
AT MICKY-D’S

IT’S GROWN UP GAME
I DON’T KNOW HOW I DO IT

CHORUS

MUSICAL INTERLUDE WITH PIANO AND GUITAR SOLO

CHORUS

SMALL ENDING RAP

FINAL HIT

      End of song

            MAGNUS
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming. We look forward to seeing you at the concert next week.

The reporters wander off and DARCY approaches BANDITO

            DARCY
Mr. Bandito, can I have a moment?

            MAGNUS
I’m sorry but he doesn’t have time for-

            BANDITO
      Moving MAGNUS aside
Darcy Brown.  I thought I was a pretty big deal but now I know for sure.

            DARCY
The Times would like to do a full-page feature on your career transition. Is there another time we can get together? Over dinner, perhaps?

            BANDITO
Dinner?

            DARCY
If it’s convenient.

            BANDITO
Where?

            DARCY
Wherever you want.

            BANDITO
Mmm.  That is my favorite restaurant.

            DARCY
So it’s a date then?

            BANDITO
Yes.  I’ll have my people get ahold of your people.

            DARCY
Fair enough. 

      Turns to MAGNUS

            BANDITO
People!  Talk to this woman.  I’m going to my studio to work on my sick beats. 

Big loud hit in the music as lights black out except for small spot on BANDITO’s head.  He headbangs to the music as the next scene is set.



SCENE – FIND MY SHTICK

Lights up on BANDITO’s mancave as music ends and suddenly he is playing something on his phone.  The awesomest mancave ever.  There are signed posters of Kobe, Taylor Swift and Dr. Dre.  There are two nice, manly leather chairs, a table in the middle and a cool lamp and a rug. There’s a freestanding door on stage R.  There’s a knock on the door.  BANDITO opens it to MAGNUS.

            BANDITO
Magnus, my brother from another mother.  Como va la lucha?

            MAGNUS
      Entering to sit, concerned
We need to talk.

            BANDITO
Okay. 

      MAGNUS sits and opens his laptop, worried

Is something wrong?

            MAGNUS
As your agent and also as your friend, I have to ask you this one more time: Are you sure you want to go through with this?

            BANDITO
What do you mean?

            MAGNUS
Are you sure you want to hang up your guns? I mean wouldn’t it be a lot simpler to just keep doing what you were doing before?  You’re so good at it.

            BANDITO
Magnus, I am so sick of hearing people talk about my guns as if that is all there is to know about me.  Yes, I have very fast guns, fine, but there are other things about me that are awesome, right?

      MAGNUS stares at him directly but doesn’t answer

Say yes.

            MAGNUS
Yes. 

            BANDITO
Once I blow some minds with my super-sick raps, the world will know me not only as a man who is fast with his guns, but a man who is even faster with his rhymes.

      MAGNUS takes a deep breath

What?  You don’t think I have fast rhymes?

            MAGNUS 
I didn’t say that.

            BANDITO
Give me a word.
           
            MAGNUS
What?

            BANDITO
Give me any word and I will rhyme it.  Any word.

            MAGNUS
I didn’t-

            BANDITO
      Draws his gun
An-y worrrd.

            MAGNUS
I didn’t mean to-

            BANDITO
      Shoots into the ground
Una palabra, por favor!!!

      A beat

            MAGNUS
Spoon.

            BANDITO
June.  … Give me another one.

            MAGNUS
Fork.

            BANDITO
Easy. 

      Points to MAGNUS

Dork.  Another.

            MAGNUS
Floor.

            BANDITO
Door.

            MAGNUS
Happy.

            BANDITO
Slappy. 

            MAGNUS
Sad.

            BANDITO
Dad. This is so easy.  I am so talented at this.

      MAGNUS gets clever

            MAGNUS
Chimney.

            BANDITO
      BANDITO can’t find one.
Umm …

            MAGNUS
Luggage. 

            BANDITO
I uh … smuggage …

            MAGNUS
Penguin.  Sandwich …  Elbow.

Improv time.  MAGNUS calls him out on his fake rhymes and BANDITO makes up their origins.

            BANDITO
You know what?  That’s enough of rhyming for today.  You get the point.  I’m a rapper. End of story.

            MAGNUS
It appears that you are quite resolved in the matter.

            BANDITO
Yes I really am.

            MAGNUS
      Focusing back on the laptop
Then the next thing I think we should do is a quick debriefing.

            BANDITO
      Pauses, looking at MAGNUS
I’m hoping that that word does not mean what I am thinking that it means.

            MAGNUS
It doesn’t.  How did you feel about the press conference this morning?

            BANDITO
Fine.  I was awesome.  The peoples love me.  Big surprise. 

            MAGNUS
That’s exactly what I thought … until I got online.

            BANDITO
What do you mean?

            MAGNUS
You’re all over the place.  The virtual world can’t stop talking about you.

            BANDITO
That’s great.

            MAGNUS
I thought so too, until I started to read what they were saying.  Take this tweet/people.com article for example.

      Hands BANDITO the computer.  BANDITO reads.

            BANDITO
“Bandito’s big career change is more cli-  cli- “  What is this word?

            MAGNUS
Cliché.

            BANDITO
“Bandito’s career change is more cliché than a zombie game in the app store.  Funeral potatoes, Disneyland on UEA, (a white girl in a starbucks)” What does that supposed to mean?

            MAGNUS
It means they think they’ve heard your story before. 

            BANDITO
What do they mean they’ve heard it before?!  I am original.  I am unique. 

            MAGNUS
You’re a rapper that used to be a criminal.

            BANDITO
OM gosh you’re right.  That is pretty much the exact career path of every rapper in the history of like ever.

            MAGNUS
      Scrolling on the laptop or his phone
They’re all saying the same thing.  And you’re getting absolutely murdered on Twitter right now.

      Laughs, looks up and explains to BANDITO

That one was actually pretty funny.

            BANDITO
Magnus what are we going to do?  This morning I am on top of the world and now I am nothing more than a cli-  a cli-

            MAGNUS
Cliché.

            BANDITO
Yes, that.

            MAGNUS
You could always change your mind.  Go back and tell them it was just a joke.

            BANDITO
And give up on my destiny?  Never! You can take the gangster out of the hood but you can’t take the hood out of the gangster.

            MAGNUS
      Offering knuckles
True dat yo.

            BANDITO
What is that?

            MAGNUS
Just returning some swag for swag if you will.

            BANDITO
Swag?

            MAGNUS
What?  I have swag.

            BANDITO
Magnus, your level of swag is somewhere between oboe player and Hilary Clinton.

MAGNUS takes a deep breath and writes something in his notebook.

What I need is a plan.  A plan to help me stand out in the overcrowded sea of former terrible people who decided to become rappers.

            MAGNUS
You need a shtick.

            BANDITO
A stick?

            MAGNUS
Not stick.  Shtick.  A gimmick.  Something to set yourself apart.

            BANDITO
Something unique.

            MAGNUS
Yes.

            BANDITO
Something original.

            MAGNUS
Exactly.

            BANDITO
Hang on.

      BANDITO suddenly starts meditating

            MAGNUS
What are you doing?

            BANDITO
I am asking the universe to send me my shtick.

            MAGNUS
The universe?

            BANDITO
Yes, the universe.  I read about it in a book once.

      MAGNUS looks at him like “really?”

Okay fine I saw it on the YouTubes.

      Goes back to meditating

            MAGNUS
You think all you have to do is ask the universe and some unseen force is going to make your solution appear out of nowhere?

BANDITO
It’s worth a try.

            MAGNUS
Ya well I got news for you, bucko.  Life isn’t like that.  Answers don’t just randomly show up and walk through your front door and start handing out fliers.

Suddenly a knock on the door.  LINDSEY comes in with a flier.  Walks quickly across and hands it to BANDITO, tips her hat and then leaves just as quickly. 

            MAGNUS
Well that’s something you don’t see every day.

            BANDITO
      Reading the flier
Magnus, we have to go now.

            MAGNUS
Was that a … monkey?

      Hands him the flier.  He reads it.

I think we have to go now.

            BANDITO
The universe just sent me my shtick!

They make a break for the door and Blackout.  Scene change music goes into the song.


SCENE: MEET LINDSEY

Lights up on town street.

SONG:  AMOS and LINDSEY

Idea:
The world is full of sadness
There's depression, sobs, and tears
I heard the cries and wondered why
Doesn't somebody conquer these fears?
So I left, a man on a mission
To find the secret, to make the world grin
And I found her, a miracle, (a big, hairy miracle)
And like that, we let happiness in

She may not smell too pretty
Or have opposable thumbs
She's got fleas, and big feet,
But when she hears the beat
The rhythm and moves they just come!

(Picking up speed)
I can see you're curious, George
But hold your breath and we'll forge
Ahead to the gorge
-ous star of our show
The one you'll all want to know
So hang on here we go
Let's all say hello to
*FANFARE and REVEAL*
Lindsey!!!!

I'm the man with the monkey, the champ with the chimp!
I'm the guy with the gorilla for when life's feelin' limp!
So, if you need a pick-me-up or maybe a smile, come watch Lindsey dance a while!

I'm her top banana
She's my Queen Kong
When we passed through China
She'd hear that gong and-
*kung fu fighting moves*

(A la tango)
Have you ever seen a chango
That can do the tango
Found her in the jungle
And we've been cheek to cheek ever since!

She can tap dance
And do ballet
Just give her half a chance
And she can limbo your cares away!

I'm the lug with the lemur
The Al with the ape
I'm the bub with the baboon to get you all feelin great!
So open your wallets
Let bills rain from the sky
For Lindsey the Ape and I!!!

(Fast patter)
So if life feels like a no-go
Keep your eyes on my bonobo
As she does a little solo
That she picked up down in Soho
She's LINDSEY, the Eighth Wonder of the World!!!!

After the number PEITRA approaches COCO with a dead animal

            PEITRA
A possum for the pretty lady.

            COCO
Ahhh!  It’s a rat.  Why are you handing me a rat?  Take it away. 

            PEITRA
In my country, giving pretty lady dead animal is sign of respect and romance.

            COCO
Ahhh.  That’s funny cause in this country, it’s not. 

      He extends it to her.  She’s grossed out still.

No.  I don’t-

He forces it upon her.  She grabs it.

Thank you.  Thank you so much for this … rat.

            PEITRA
Possum.

            COCO
Beg your pardon?

            PEITRA
Not rat.  Possum.  Delicious with ramen noodles.

            COCO
I’ll have to try that.

            PEITRA
      Kneels and opens a ring box with a ring pop
Marry me.

            COCO
Come again?

            PEITRA
Marry me, Pretty Lady.

            COCO
I don’t even know your name.

            PEITRA
Pietra.

            COCO
Pietra?

            PEITRA
Marry me.

            COCO
I don’t even know you. 

PEITRA
What would you like to know?

            COCO
What do you do for a living?

            PEITRA
I own business. 

            COCO
      Excited kind of
So you’re a businessman?

            PEITRA
I am not a businessman but I am a business … man.

            COCO
Are you rich?

            PEITRA
No.

            COCO
Are you famous?

            PEITRA
No.

            COCO
You’re not rich, you’re not famous and you ain’t even learned how to speak no proper English?  What do you have to offer?

            PEITRA
Well, I usually save this for second date, but I am world record holder.

            COCO
For what?

            PEITRA
I will show you, but first you must know the doctor says it is benign.

Goes to take off his shoe.  She dry heaves and runs off.  He looks up and she is gone.  Turns to audience.

And that is why I wait for second date.

Blackout.  Scene change music with PEITRA getting jiggy.


SCENE: I’D LIKE TO BUY A MONKEY

Scene change music back to BANDITO’s mancave.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are there.  MAGNUS is dressed in a funny suit coat.  BANDITO is maybe dressed up a little as well.

            MAGNUS
Are you sure this isn’t a trite much?

            BANDITO
We have to show this man that we are serious about this monkey business.

            MAGNUS
This is too big.

            BANDITO
Is it my fault that your mother married a Harry Potter house elf? 

            MAGNUS
My father was not an elf.

            BANDITO
Are you sure?

            MAGNUS
      Admitting defeat
No.

      A knock. 

            BANDITO
Do not speak unless you are spoken to.

BANDITO answers.  It’s AMOS and LINDSEY.

Amos Moody!  Thank you so much for agreeing to come on such short notice.  Or I guess as they say in your country, “Thank you for agreeing to come on such short notice … mate.” Do they do the kissing the cheeks thing in Australia?

            AMOS
No, not really.

            BANDITO
Good.  I’m super glad for that.

            AMOS
Nice setup you have here.

BANDITO sees LINDSEY who is following AMOS into the room.

            BANDITO
Oh my good night look at – look at this monkey.  She’s beautiful.  You are beautiful.  Can she understand me?

            AMOS
She’s a monkey.

            BANDITO
So … ?

            AMOS
She don’t speak English.

            BANDITO
Oh right.  Australian.

      Louder and with actions and a bad accent

You are beautiful!  Let’s put another shrimp on the bar-

MAGNUS clears his throat trying to help the situation

This is my agent, Magnus Ankleburt.

            MAGNUS
A pleasure to meet you both.  Your performance was exceptional and might I say that-

            BANDITO
Shuuuut …  your mouth!  Psh … This guy.  He’d talk your ear off if you let him.  

      Pulls AMOS aside

You know what I have to do sometimes when he starts talking?  I distract myself by making a list of all of the things I would rather do than listen to him talking. 

            MAGNUS
I don’t think I talk anymore than any normal-

            BANDITO
“Remove a wart, root canal, trigonometry,” and usually by the time I get to “watch movie starring Nicholas Cage” he shuts up.

      MAGNUS takes out his notebook and writes.

Please have a seat.

AMOS sits.  During this scene LINDSEY starts next to AMOS but moves back at some point to torment MAGNUS who is scared to death of her.

            AMOS
Lindsey, sit.  Stay.

            BANDITO
Mr. Amos, if it’s okay with you I’m going to cut right to the cheese.  I want to buy your monkey.

      AMOS doesn’t react

You don’t look surprised.

            AMOS
That’s because I’m not.

            BANDITO
The way I see it, you can sell me the monkey for more than you make in a year with your little show and this will give you time to pursue your other interests and talents.  Like I don’t know … alligator wrestling or boomerang carving or you could audition to be the next Crocodile Dundee.  I’m just spitballing here.

            AMOS
How much money are we talking about?

            BANDITO
I know that it might be hard to say goodbye to a dear friend but you have to remember-

            AMOS
I’m not worried about that.

            BANDITO
You’re not?

            AMOS
Mate, she’s a monkey.  It’s not like she has feelings or nothin’.

They laugh although BANDITO is not so sure he agrees.  This is not what he expected.

            BANDITO
I’m glad you feel that way. 

            AMOS
How much?

            BANDITO
      Writing a number on a piece of paper
Here is what I am prepared to offer you.

Slides the paper across to AMOS after writing a number.  AMOS reads it and laughs.

            AMOS
Is this a joke?

            BANDITO
No, this is no joke.

            AMOS
      Hands back the paper
Looks like a joke to me.

            BANDITO
Fine.

      BANDITO writes another figure and gives it to him

            AMOS
That’s not enough.

      BANDITO thinks he’s getting played

            BANDITO
What do you mean “not enough?!”

            AMOS
Look, you’re not my only potential buyer.

            BANDITO
Really?

            AMOS
I’ve got an offer from a gentleman in Chicago.  In fact I’m on my way to drop off the goods right now.

      BANDITO thinks he’s lying but makes one more offer

            BANDITO
Okay then.  Name your price.

            AMOS
Alright.

AMOS takes the paper from him and writes a number.  Slides it across to him.

            BANDITO
Are you kidding me?  Tell me this is a joke or else I swear, I will take my monkey business elsewhere.

            AMOS
That’s the price, mate.

            BANDITO
Never in my life have I paid this much for a monkey.

            AMOS
She’s a dancing monkey

            BANDITO
I don’t care if she dances.  I don’t care if she washes my dishes.

            AMOS
She will.

            BANDITO
I don’t care if she spits gold nuggets and poops Cadbury cream eggs! My name is Juanito Bandito.

            AMOS
I know who you are.

            BANDITO
Then you will understand what I am saying when I say unto you that this is a take it or lose it proposition.

            AMOS
Are you threatening me?

            BANDITO
Does this answer your question?

Does a quick fire with someone shooting the gun offstage.

      AMOS
No, actually it doesn’t.

            BANDITO
How about this?

      Does it again.

            AMOS
Still not understanding.

            BANDITO
Maybe this will help.

      One more time

            AMOS
I get that you’re trying to get some point across with all of this wasteful gunfire, but I’m still kinda like whaaaaa?

            BANDITO
      Quickly
I’m showing you how fast I am with my gun!

            AMOS
You don’t scare me, mate.

            BANDITO
      Grabbing his arm
Are you sure about that?

            AMOS
Be careful Bandito.  I know people … who know people.

            BANDITO
      Big pause, dramatic
What does that even mean?

            AMOS
Lindsey come.

By now, LINDSEY has MAGNUS cornered up on a chair or something.  It’s been a slow process of LINDSEY getting closer and MAGNUS trying to stay away from her all scene.

            BANDITO
I thought you were a smart man, famous Amos.

            AMOS
Well it looks like you were wrong. 

      Thinks about clarifying but decides not to

Good day.

AMOS and LINDSEY leave.  MAGNUS calms down a bit after having been tormented by LINDSEY.

            MAGNUS
So much for that idea.

            BANDITO
Magnus, do you really think I’m gonna give up so easy?  That monkey is a gift to me from the gods of hip hop.

            MAGNUS
But you heard what he said.  He knows people who know people.

            BANDITO
Yes.  And so do I.  So do you.  So does everyone.  In fact as far as I know, Adam and Eve were the only two people ever who did not know people who knew people.

            MAGNUS
I guess when you put it that way.

            BANDITO
It means nothing.

            MAGNUS
You’re right.

            BANDITO
He’s basically saying nothing.

            MAGNUS
He might have well had just been like …

Awkward pause. Scene change music hits and BANDITO and MAGNUS get jiggy with it.


SCENE:  SIRI

            PEITRA
Hey, Pretty Lady.

            COCO
Oh it’s you again.

            PEITRA
Good news!  I am now a millionaire.

            COCO
You are?

            PEITRA
No.  Not technically, but I do have a million dollar idea.
           
            COCO
I’m sure you do.

            PEITRA
Hear me out.  I have developed brand new software for cellular devices.

            COCO
What does it do?

            PEITRA
It is a soothing voice the will answer questions, give you directions and provide lifelike conversations for people who have no friends. 

            COCO
Really?

            PEITRA
Here give it a try.  Ask whatever you want.

            COCO
What’s the capital of Illinois?

            SIRI
I found three Chinese restaurants near you.

            PEITRA 
It is still in Beta phase. 


Blackout.  Scene change music as COCO gets jiggy with it.




      Takes the phone
Siri, tell the pretty lady the capital of Illinois.

Pietra, I don’t appreciate your tone.

You’re ruining this for me.



SCENE: DARCY and BANDITO

BANDITO and DARCY are sitting at a table eating at a makeshift restaurant.  BANDITO just finished a story.

      DARCY
No way.

            BANDITO
Yes way.

            DARCY
Please tell me you made that up.

            BANDITO
I wish I did.

            DARCY
That’s the most unbelievable and also kind of super gross story I’ve ever heard.

      A pause, BANDITO chuckles

She was your sister?

            BANDITO
I did not even know I had a sister!

      Going through the pages of notes she just took

            DARCY
Wow.  Mistaken identities, magical potions, pirates, … pink bunnies … Your life is kind of amazing.

            BANDITO
Amazing is my middle name.

            DARCY
      She laughs then thinks he’s serious.
Wait.  Is it really?

            BANDITO
      He tricked her kind of
No.  But it should be.

Laughs at the joke. Thumbing through her notes.

            DARCY
I think I’ve got plenty here to get me started. 

      Looks at him.  Pauses.

Maybe just one more question.

            BANDITO
Fire away.

            DARCY
You’re the most feared outlaw in history.

            BANDITO
I rock.  No duh.  Sorry, what was the question?

            DARCY
You’re the best in your business and now all of the sudden you want to give it up to become … a rapper of all things? 

            BANDITO
It is time for a new adventure.

            DARCY
There has to be more to the story than that.

            BANDITO
Actually not really.  I woke up one morning and I was like, “I’m kind of bored,” and that’s when I knew that it was time for something new.

            DARCY
What if it doesn’t work out?

            BANDITO
Anyone who doesn’t think it’s gonna work out is seriously underestimating my awesomeness.  You can quote me on that.

            DARCY
Can I tell you something?  This is going to sound weird but … I envy you.

Actually … that doesn’t sound weird at all.  I hear that all the time. 

No seriously, your life is just one adventure after another.  And me, I –

What do you mean?  You’ve been right in the middle of wars and elections and sporting events … Good night you were on the sideline when the Yeshawks threw away the Super Bowl.

            DARCY
You mean the Seahaws?

            BANDITO
Si.  That’s what I said.  The YesHawks

            DARCY
I guess what I’m trying to say is that reporting on something remarkable is a lot different than doing something remarkable.

      A beat.  Music starts.

The problem is that I like to have all of the information you know … before I make a decision.  That’s not a bad thing, is it?

            BANDITO
If you wait until you have all of the information you’re probably gonna end up missing your adventures.

            DARCY
You know what?  You’re right.

SONG: JUST GO FOR IT

LIKE THINK OF DAVID
DAVID?
THE ONE WITH THE GIANT
FROM THE BIBLE?
ONE DAY HE’S SITTIN’ IN A FIELD JUS’ WATCHIN’ SHEEP AND THEN
THE NEXT THING
HE’S FACED WITH A GIANT
ALL HE’S GOT’S A BAG OF ROCKS AND A SLINGSHOT

GOLIATH CALLS OUT FOR ALL TO HEAR
LET ONLY THE STRONGEST MEN COME NEAR
AND WHAT DOES DAVID DO?
HIS LIFE IS ON THE BRINK
THE ODDS ARE STACKED AGAINST HIM
YET HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK

HE JUST GOES FOR IT
HE GOES FOR IT
THROWS HIS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND JUST FIGHTS
DOESN’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT’S HE’S PROBLY GONNA DIE
HE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE HE JUST LETS IT FLY
HE JUST GOES FOR IT, MAN HE GOES FOR IT
HE PUT HIS HEAD DOWN AND HE ACTS AND HOOOOW
HE’S IRRAT-ION-AL,
ILL-LOG-IC-AL
COMPLETELY CERTIFIABLY INSANE AND YET WHEN THE DUST CLEARS
THERE HE STANDS
A HERO

            DARCY
It’s as if he knew he was going to win.  How did he know?

            BANDITO
He didn’t.  You answered your own question. Sometimes you have to forget about the odds and the facts and just make a choice.  You have to just go for it.

            DARCY
That’s a very romantic notion but it doesn’t always work out in practice.

                  BANDITO
What do you mean?

            DARCY
Sometimes the facts are your friends.

            BANDITO
Would you care the elab-  Elabr-

            DARCY
Elaborate?

            BANDITO
Yes, that.

            DARCY
Absolutely.

THINK OF ROMEO
THE ONE WITH THE GIRLFRIEND
HE FELL IN LOVE WITH JULIET
AND VOWED TO BE HER PRINCE

BUT THEN THE NEXT DAY
HE WENT TO THE CHAPEL
HE THOUGHT THE GIRLS WAS DEAD
BUT SHE WAS SLEEPING
-HE SAW HIS LOVE ASLEEP AND GOT
-TO THINKIN’ SHE WAS DEAD

HE CRIED AND MOANED IN LOVESTRUCK SORROW
HE STARTED TO THINKIN THERE WAS NO TOMORROW
AND WHAT DOES ROMIE DO
WHEN HIS WITTS ARE ON THE BRINK
HE’S GOT A VILE OF POISON
AND HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK

HE JUST GOES FOR IT
MAN HE GOES FOR IT
THROWS CAUTION TO THE WIND AND DONE DEAL
HE DOESN’T CARE THE CALCULATE
THE FACTS THAT MIGHT BE MISSIN’
THE COUPLE ENDS UP DYIN’
WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE ENDED KISSIN’
HE GOES FOR IT, YA HE GOES FOR IT
HE ACTS AND HE ENDS UP DEAD
HE’S IRRATIONAL, ILLOGICAL, SOME PEOPLE SAY ROMANTIC BUT I JUST SAY STUPID, AND WHEN THE DUST CLEARS, THERE HE STANDS, A HERO, A DEAD HERO

Come on Romeo, have a little patience, am I right?  Get a doctor to examine her medically first.

… or at very least check her pulse. 

Exactly.  How do you know when to check the facts versus just taking a blind leap?

You have to follow your guts.

My guts?

Es muy sencillo. You listen carefully to what your guts is telling you and then you do it. 

You mean your instincts.

Same diff.  For example, my guts usually is telling me things like, steal that or shoot that guy or write some sick raps.

Hmm.

As long as I listen my guts, everything almost always usually sometimes turns out for the best. 

SO LETS IMAGINE
OKAY
A HERALDED WRITER
LIKE YOU?
SHE’S ITCHIN FOR ADVENTURE BUT SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE THE GUTS

SHE’S DETERMINED
BU

I WANNA JUST GO FOR IT, GO FOR IT
I WANNA DO SOMETHING IRRATIONAL AT LEAST
I WANT TO LIVE SOME RARE ADVENTURE
WANNA SEE WHAT IT’S ABOUT
I’M WALKING TO THE EDGE AND THEN I’M JUMPING … LOOK OUT!

I GO FOR IT, YA I JUST GO FOR IT
I’M EVERYTHING I WANNA BE AND HOW!

      End of song

            BANDITO
Okay Darcy Brown.  I am going to doing you a favor.

            DARCY
Is that right? 

            BANDITO
I’m taking you on an adventure.  And let me just say in advance … you’re welcome. 

      She laughs

I need some help with a little … project I am working on.  It is for a very good cause.

            DARCY
Sounds intriguing.

            BANDITO
Oh it is.

            DARCY
Will it be dangerous?

            BANDITO
Danger is my middle name. 

      She pulls a face

Juanito Amazing Danger Bandito.  True story.

            DARCY
Is it something illegal?

            BANDITO
If it is, will you say no?

            DARCY
Probably.

            BANDITO
Then I will not tell you.

      She laughs

            DARCY 
What is it?

            BANDITO
Ding ding ding.  Oh I’m sorry you have reached the information limit for making this decision.  Now say yes. 

            DARCY
But what if-

            BANDITO
      Making fun
No but what if’s!  But what if we get in trouble?  But what if I get hurt?  But what if I get obstructed by aliens?

      Gets serious

Look at me Darcy Brown.  Listen to your guts.  What is your guts saying to you right now?

            DARCY
      She thinks hard.  The joke is subtle.
Really? … Tacos???

      They both laugh at her funniness

Okay fine. I’m in.

            BANDITO
Yes!  That is the spirit.  Meet me back here in one hour.

      BANDITO heads out

            DARCY
But what if-

            BANDITO
No more but what ifing!  One hour and you will have your adventure.

She reaches into her purse and pulls out her headphones.  Puts them on and then music hits and DARCY dances as scene changes.




SCENE: INTERNET FLIX

PEITRA and COCO are walking across the stage.  She’s got another animal that he just gave to her.

            COCO
Tell me again how it will work?

      PEITRA
For low monthly fee you will be able to stream unlimited movies and tv shows to any device anywhere in the world. I will call it Net-movies or maybe Internet-flix.  What do you think?

            COCO
Who in their right mind would pay for a convenient online service like that when all you have to do is get you wallet, get in the car, drive into town, walk into the video store, spend several minutes physically searching for the movie you want which is hopefully not already rented out, wait in line, pay for it, and don’t forget to bring it back within 48 hours or you will have to pay a late fee?  Sorry Pietra but the internet movies idea is a flop.  Trust me.  Blockbuster Video is here to stay, my friend. 

Blackout.  Scene change music as someone gets jiggy with it.



SCENE: AMOS, LINDSEY and COCO IN CAMP

Lights up at nighttime on AMOS and COCO talking. Nighttime sound effects.  Crickets etc. LINDSEY is nowhere to be seen but her cage is center stage.

            AMOS
And then he says to me, ‘this is a take it or lose it proposition.’  Who does he think he is?  I had half a mind to punch his teeth in.

            COCO
Well it’s probably a good thing you didn’t.  Man like that you never know what he’s capable a doin’.

            AMOS
He don’t scare me. 

            COCO
Well he does me. 

            AMOS
Lindsey?!!

Out comes LINDSEY with bag of cookies unopened.  AMOS talks to her and at first we think he is being nice.

There’s my little girl.  Yes, there you are.  Bring it on over now, ya like a good girl.  Thank you.

      Suddenly very hostile in an attempt to scare her

Now get lost!

      LINDSEY jumps.  AMOS laughs rudely.

Hahahaha!  Stupid mutt.  Did you see her jump?  Hahahaha!

COCO is obviously feeling bad for LINDSEY but doesn’t want AMOS to see it.  She laughs weakly.

            COCO
Hahaha.

Quietly to LINDSEY.  COCO treats LINDSEY like another female in the trio.

I’m so sorry.

AMOS starts eating the cookies as he talks.

      AMOS
Hey Lindsey, what do you call a monkey in a minefield?  A Ba-Boom!!!!

      This scares her again

            COCO
I think you hurt her feelings.

            AMOS
How many times have I told you?  She don’t have feelings.  She’s a monkey!

      Turns back to LINDSEY

It’s always about you, isn’t it?  Nevermind who trained you.  Taught ya the steps.  Put the act together!

      The phone rings.  COCO answers it.

            COCO
Amos Moody Entertainment Incorporated.  Coco speaking.  Oh hi Mr. Wilkenshire.  Oh yeah, he’s right here.  Good to talk to you too Mr. Wilkenshire.

      Hands it to AMOS.  Whispering.

It’s for you.

He’s about to speak when she interrupts with another whisper.

It’s Mister Wilkenshire.

            AMOS
I gathered that.

      Goes to speak again, interrupted again

            COCO
He wants to talk to you about the oo oo ahh ahh.

            AMOS
I know.

            COCO
The monkey.

            AMOS
Got it.

      Answers phone

Hello?  Really, well that’s great news.  And the price? That’ll certainly do.  I can have her delivered in no less than a week.  We’ll leave first thing in the morning.  Nice doin’ business with you, Mr. Wilkenshire.

Ends the call.  BANDITO and MAGNUS are sneaking on behind.

Pardon the pun but life is about to get a whole lot less hairy for old Amos Moody.

            COCO
Poor Linsdey.

            AMOS
My days of playing second fiddle to a dancing monkey are coming to an end.  Cage!

LINDSEY runs into the cage.  AMOS locks her in.  She indicates that she wants some cookies.
     
Ohhh, the dingo is feelin’ hungry.  We’ll you’d better enjoy that feeling while it lasts cause once we get to Chicago you won’t be feelin’ much of anything.  You know why not?  Cause you’ll be de-

MAGNUS knocks something over.  BANDITO is hiding.  AMOS turns to MAGNUS who is shielding his face.

Who goes there?!

            MAGNUS   
No one.  Just me ... the town wanderer.  Wander wander wander.  I like your dog.

      He hurries off and ducks down conspicuously.

            COCO
This place give me the creeps.

            AMOS 
Just as well cause we’re leavin’ for Chicago first thing.

            COCO
Good. 

LINDSEY barely starts to make noise.  She’s hungry.

            AMOS
Quieeeet!  Ugh!  You’re so loud!  Why are you so loud?  You mutt.  Now go to sleep.

She whimpers as the lights dim and they both fall asleep.  Lights come up on BANDITO, MAGNUS and DARCY who have been watching from afar.  BANDITO hands her a spare gun.

            BANDITO
Okay, I’m going in. Keep your eyes open.  

            DARCY
What is this for?

            BANDITO
It is for just in case.

            DARCY
What are you going to do?

            BANDITO
I’m gonna kidnap that monkey. What did you think we were coming to do?

She holds up a roll of toilet paper that she brought in her bag.  BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other

            MAGNUS
Toilet paper?  You thought we were coming to TP the street performers? 

            DARCY
You said it was something illegal.

            BANDITO
Shhh.  Just stand here and shoot anything that moves that isn’t the monkey or me.

      A beat, still.

            MAGNUS
Or me.

            DARCY
I can’t be a part of this.

            BANDITO
Oh come on.  That guy is a jerk face.  We’re doing this monkey a favor.

            DARCY
I can’t.  I’m sorry.

She hands the gun back and leaves. BANDITO turns to MAGNUS.

            BANDITO
Can you believe that girl?

            MAGNUS 
Psh.  No.

            BANDITO
What a wimp.

            MAGNUS
Wimp city. 

Holds up his hand for BANDITO to hi-five.  He doesn’t.  BANDITO goes to talk, but MAGNUS continues.

She’s pretty much the mayor of Wimpyville.  If she got any wimpier we’d have to call the-

      Sees BANDITO counting

What are you doing?

            BANDITO
Sitting in traffic, listening to my alarm clock going off, colonoscopy … Oh are you done now?

            MAGNUS
That’s not funny.

      MAGNUS takes out his journal

            BANDITO
Cover me.  I’m going in.

PIANO narrates a sneaky tune as BANDITO walks into AMOS’s camp from his hiding place.  LINDSEY sees him and starts to make noise a little.  AMOS stirs.

            BANDITO
Shhhh!

PIANO stops for a moment.  She quiets down, watching him.  He goes over and steals the cookies from AMOS’s lap.  AMOS mutters something in his sleep.  PIANO continues as BANDITO walks over and gives the bag of cookies to LINDSEY.  She is super excited about it, makes noise.

Shhhh.

BANDITO pries the lock off and opens the door.  LINDSEY is afraid at first. 

It’s okay.  Come here.  Come on.  Come ooon.

LINDSEY takes his hand and steps out of the cage.  Once out, she looks around and then snuggles up to BANDITO for just a moment as if to say thanks.

That’s right, Lindsey.  You’re gonna be safe now. 

Suddenly she makes a noise like ‘goodbye’ and jets off.  BANDITO whisper-screams.

Wait!  Lindsey, stop.  Where are you going?!  Stop!  Monkey, stop!  Magnuuuuus!

Scene change features AMOS and COCO getting down to a funny beat but they’re still asleep.  Choreography.



SCENE:  MORNING AFTER THE KIDNAPPING

Main street.  BANDITO and MAGNUS end up running together middle of the stage, exhausted. 

            BANDITO
Anything?

            MAGNUS
No. 

            BANDITO
Ahhh!

            MAGNUS
That monkey is harder to track down than a Mormon with a mocha latte.  What are we going to do?

            BANDITO
I’ll tell you what are we going to do.  You are going to get out there and keep looking for Lindsey and I am going to lay down right here and take a nap.

            MAGNUS
A nap?

            BANDITO
Yes, a nap.  We have been up all night chasing a dancing monkey.  I need some rest.

            MAGNUS
What about me?

            BANDITO
Magnus, you are like 5 foot nothing.  You don’t need a nap.

            MAGNUS
What? 

            BANDITO
It is a scientific fact that children don’t need to sleep as much as adults. 

            MAGNUS
Okay couple things about that.  Number one: No. False.  And two: I’m an adult.

            BANDITO
Magnus, twelve years old is hardly an adult. 

            MAGNUS
I’m twenty-six.

            BANDITO
      To aud
Kids these days … always wanting to grow up so fast.

            MAGNUS
But- 

      Pulls gun.

            BANDITO
Go!  Find my Lindsey!

MAGNUS is writing furiously in his notebook as he walks off. BANDITO lays down prepping for a nap.  He’s scrolling on his phone. 

Oh Instagram.  I love you.  I don’t tell you that enough. 

To aud as LINDSEY walks on in the background eating a pickle sickle.

You know what I was thinking about the other day?  What did people look at before they had Instagram to look at.  You know, like back in the olden days with the cavemans and stuffs.  What did the cavemans look at on their phones when they were waiting in a doctors office?  Or during commercials?  Or when they had to see a man about a horse?  It’s okay, everybody does it.  What did the cavemen do when they were sitting in the passenger seat of a car?  Stare out the window? 

LINDSEY is closer than ever, looking over BANDITO’s shoulder at his phone.

Did they have an actual conversation with the other caveperson who was driving the car?  So primitive.

    Takes a selfie photobombed by LINDSEY

Hashtag blessed, am I right?

Suddenly PEITRA enters with a butcher knife raise.   LINDSEY shrieks. 

            PEITRA     
Come back here!  Evil monkey!  Bad monkey!

      LINDSEY hides behind BANDITO

            BANDITO
Lindsey!  Where have you been?!

            PEITRA
Bad monkey!  Bad, bad monkey!

            BANDITO
Pietra, why are you yelling at my Lindsey?

            PEITRA
Monkey steal Pickle Sickle.

      Grabs LINDSEY by the wrist and pulls her to him

            BANDITO
She was just hungry.

            PEITRA
In my country, thief no pay with money, thief play with blood!

      Puts knife up in preparation to cut off her hand.

            BANDITO
Peitra wait!  Look what’s that?

Points at his shirt.  PEITRA looks down, BANDITO flicks his face distracting him enough to grab the knife from him.  BANDITO pulls his gun.

Let her go.

            PEITRA
The monkey is thief!

            BANDITO
How much is a Pickle Sickle?

            PEITRA
Two dollar.

      BANDITO digs for some money.

            BANDITO
Here. 

            PEITRA
      Eyeing the money
… plus tax.

      Throws a twenty at him

            BANDITO
That’s a twenty.  Now let her go.

He lets her go and then counts the money.  Turns to her.

            PEITRA  
Thank you for business.

Blackout.  Music transition with LINDSEY dancing into mancave.


SCENE:

Lights come up on BANDITO and LINDSEY in his mancave. MAGNUS is there but he is way in the back corner holding a GoPro on a stick.  He is still scared to death of LINDSEY.  BANDITO has a remote in his hand and LINDSEY is sitting/crouching in his chair.

            BANDITO
Alright Lindsey, hip hop training session number one.  I just want to try this okay?

      LINDSEY reacts

No pressure.  We’re just hangin’ out, chooting the breeze, whatever … just do what is natural.

LINDSEY reacts again.  BANDITO pushes a button on the remote and on comes a hip hop beat.  LINDSEY is startled at first, unsure of where it’s coming from, but ends up liking it and starting to break down. BANDITO joins in the fun.

You like it?  Yes?  Magnus are you getting this?  After I win my first Grammy, this footage is gonna be worth millions.

Suddenly there’s a loud knock on the door.  BANDITO shuts off the music.

Shhh!

      She knocks again

            DARCY
Hello?  Anybody home?!

      A beat

            BANDITO
No.

      To MAGNUS

Quick.  Hide the monkey!

MAGNUS throws a sheet/blanket over LINDSEY’s head.  BANDITO opens the door.  It’s DARCY

Can I h-  Oh, it’s just you.

            DARCY
Can I come in?

      Walks past him

            BANDITO
No.  No you cannot. It is late and I am going to bed.

            DARCY
      Excitedly curious
Where is she?

            BANDITO
Who?

            DARCY
      Trying to read his face
Is she here? 

BANDITO steps between her and where LINDSEY is hiding.  They both step in front of LINDSEY.

            BANDITO
I don’t know what you are talking about.  Magnus, do you know what this woman is talking about?

            MAGNUS
Haven’t the foggiest.

A big huge loud monkey noise from LINDSEY.  Her body doesn’t move as she is still covered with the blanket like a lamp.  BANDITO and MAGNUS look at each other

            BANDITO
Bless you.

      They move closer together to close the gap

            DARCY
I just want to meet her.  Pleeease?

            BANDITO
Okay fine.

Indicates for MAGNUS to remove the blanket.  He tries a couple times but can’t pull it off cause he’s so afraid of her.  Finally gets it on the 3rd try.

Darcy Brown, this is Lindsey the dancing monkey. 

DARCY puts out her hand and LINDSEY comes and takes it, examining her.

Lindsey, this is Darcy Brown the little sissy girl who bails on her friends when she gets a little bit scared.

      LINDSEY is moving around, examining DARCY.

            DARCY
I didn’t bail.  I changed my mind.

            BANDITO
You wimped out.  You are a super sized wimp deluxe with a side order of wussy cakes.

      PIANO accent hit

            MAGNUS
      Sees his chance.  Hands her the gopro.
Since you’re here to assist with this I think I’m going to retire.  Fine evening to you both.

            DARCY
I didn’t mean to chase you away.

            MAGNUS
Not at all.  It’s- I just-

            BANDITO
Magnus is afraid of Lindsey.

            MAGNUS
Psssh. That’s ridiculousness.  She’s a harmless monkey.

            BANDITO
Lindsey, give Magnus a hug.

LINDSEY starts to go over there and MAGNUS freaks out like a girl.  LINDSEY isn’t even all that close to him.

            MAGNUS
Back!  Back I say!  Bad monkey!  Down boy!

LINDSEY stops and MAGNUS makes it to the door then turns back all cool as if to try to reconcile the scene he just created.

We will check you guys later, then. 

LINDSEY makes another friendly move toward him and he freaks out and runs away.  LINDSEY does something animalistic and DARCY shakes her head at the situation as she watches LINDSEY. 

            DARCY
      Sitting
I can’t believe you kidnapped the monkey.

            BANDITO
The monkey has a name.

            DARCY
Sorry. 

            BANDITO
Don’t say sorry to me.

            DARCY
      Turns to LINDSEY
I’m sorry, Lindsey.

      LINDSEY makes a cute face and noise

            BANDITO
She likes you.

            DARCY
She’s an amazing animal.

            BANDITO
And smart.  She’s so smart.

Turns quickly to LINDSEY who is chewing on something. PIANO out.

Lindsey don’t eat the furniture please.  Thank you.

PIANO blink blink blink continues.

It’s true what they say you know.

            DARCY
What’s that?

            BANDITO
      Holding up fingers to indicate the things
Having a pet is way more harder than having a baby. 

LINDSEY strums the guitar.

Lindsey, no.  Please don’t touch. 

She strums again and makes an excited noise. BANDITO gets up to save the guitar.

No that’s mine.  Please don’t touch.  No touchy.  Here you want me to show you?  Here.  Listen.

      He plays a chord.  LINDSEY reacts happy.

            DARCY
I think she likes it.

      Plays another.  She reacts again.

            BANDITO
Alright Lindsey.  It’s time for bed now.  You go to sleep, I play, okay?  Lay down.

She puts her head down, he plays a chord.  She jumps up excited and he stops.

Lay down.  Shhh.

She lays down again, he plays.  She jumps up, he stops.

No-  Lay down.  Sleep.

      She gets it.  Lays down

Now just shhhh.  Close your eyes.  This is a song that my grandmother used to sing unto me when I was a little Bandito.  I remember she would sit there in her chair rocking back and forth … stroking her mustache … and she would sing.

SONG:  MONKEY LULLABY

It’s time to just dreEeam
Kick back and just dreeeeeeam
By the time you wake
Things won’t be as bad as they seem
Just dream

Applause as lights fade.  Track plays hip hop version of the previous song.  We see MAGNUS walking down the street.  COCO jumps out with a gun and a skimask and in her best man voice says

      COCO
Don’t move!

            MAGNUS
What’s the meaning of this?

AMOS sneaks in behind MAGNUS with a gunny sack and throws it over his head.  MAGNUS struggles as the track plays loud and dim to a blackout.

INTERMISSION




SCENE:  AMOS and MAGNUS JOIN FORCES

Short overture.  Lights go up as they take the bag off of MAGNUS’s head.  He squints at the light.

            MAGNUS
Good heavens.  What is happening?  Unhand me.  Unhand me you fiend!

            AMOS
Say cheese.

MAGNUS stops abruptly to strike a hilarious pose as AMOS takes a pic with a phone.

            MAGNUS
I say.  This is highly irregular.

            AMOS
      AMOS reads as he types
Bring back my monkey or your friend gets it. 

      Shows it to COCO

What do you think?

            COCO
Maybe you should be a little more specifical.

            AMOS
It’s fine.  Send.

      A send sound effect

            MAGNUS
What are you doing?  I demand an explanation.

            AMOS
What’s it look like we’re doing?  We’re holdin’ you for ransom. 

            COCO
Ya.  So shut it!

Ding.  He reads the text.  Reacts, then reads it out loud. 

      AMOS
Who is this?

            COCO
Ya shoulda been more specifical.

            AMOS
Here.

            MAGNUS
Really sir, unhand me.  I –

Goes in and takes a selfie with MAGNUS.  MAGNUS poses again suddenly, hilariously, more ridiculous than the first time.

            AMOS
      Typing
The monkey, or he dies.

      Send. 

            MAGNUS
Wait, who dies?

            COCO
You die.

            MAGNUS
Dang it!

            AMOS
      Ding.  He reads.
Who is this?

      Writes back.

Whooo do you think?

      Send.  Ding.

Mom?

      Writes and types.

This is Amos Moody.

      Send. Ding.

Oh snap Amos thinkin’ he a hamster?

      Looks around, confused. Ding

Gangster. 

      Ding

Not hamster.

      Ding

Auto-correct lol.

A pause as he tries to decide what to do next.  Goes to type more and is startles when the phone rings.  AMOS looks confused but answers. Lights come up on side stage where BANDITO talks to AMOS on the phone.

Hello?

            BANDITO
Sorry it was getting kind of confusing so I thought it would be easier to call. 

            AMOS
Oh.

            BANDITO
It’s hard to read a person’s tone when you are texting.  Are you saying “The monkey or he dies,” like dead as in not alive or are you like, “he dies,” funny haha kind of dead like in a funny way?

            AMOS
I mean he dies like dead, dead.

            BANDITO
Hmmm.  Put Magnus on the phone, would you?

            AMOS
Right now?

            BANDITO
Ya.  Put him on.

            AMOS
He wants to talk to you.

            MAGNUS
Hello?

            BANDITO
Magnus?

            MAGNUS
Thank goodness.  I need your help.  You have to bring the monkey back.  They’re going to kill me!  I-

            BANDITO
      Making crackling noises
Oh sorry Magnus.  You’re breaking up.  What?

            MAGNUS
      MAGNUS continues to try to talk
These people have threatened to kill me if you don’t-

            BANDITO
      More noises
Sorry, I can’t hear you.  You’re breaking up.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow okay?

            MAGNUS
Wait no!  Don’t hang up!

            BANDITO
Okay bye!

BANDITO’s lights go dim.  A pause.  MAGNUS looks up at AMOS.

            MAGNUS
He hung up.

AMOS pushes redial.  Phone dial sounds and one ring.  BANDITO’s lights come back.  He now has an xbox controller in his hands, playing an imaginary game.

            BANDITO
Hello?

            AMOS
I think we got cut off.

            BANDITO
Oh, it’s you again.

      Pause

            AMOS
So what’s it going to be?

            BANDITO
You’re talking about the Magnus and the monkey thing?

            AMOS
Ya.

            BANDITO
      Pause.  Pushes pause.
Tell me this.  Would I have to come over like right now?

            AMOS
Yes.

            BANDITO
Ohhh.  Hmm.  That’s gonna be uh … that might be difficult.

            AMOS
Why?

            BANDITO
Well I don’t have any direct scheduling conflicts but …  Could we maybe do it another day?

            AMOS
No.  Right now.  Bring back the monkey right now or your friend dies.  Do you understand what I am saying right now?

            BANDITO
Yaaaa … I understand it’s just that … Uhhhh.  Can I call you back maybe after I think about it for a second?

            AMOS
What?  No.

            BANDITO
I’ll call you back.

            AMOS
No.

            BANDITO
Okay.

            AMOS
Wait!  When are you gonna call me back?

            BANDITO
      Thinks
Hadn’t thought about it.

            AMOS
I just need a time frame so that I can know when I should kill him … or not.

            BANDITO
You know what this getting too complicated.  Just … ya go ahead.

            AMOS
Go ahead?

            BANDITO
Ya … kill him. Go ahead and kill him.

            AMOS
Are you sure?

            BANDITO
Final answer, do it.  Kill Magnus.

            AMOS
I will do it.

            BANDITO
I understand.

            AMOS
I’m going to kill your friend.

            BANDITO
You win some you lose some.

            AMOS
He will be dead.

            BANDITO
You already said that. 

      Pause

Hey, thanks for the call though.

            AMOS
Okay.

            BANDITO
K bye.

BANDITO’s lights dim.  AMOS hangs up the phone in shock a bit.  Walks over and sits next to MAGNUS, unties his hands.

            MAGNUS
He told you to kill me didn’t he?

            AMOS
Ya.  Ya he did.

            MAGNUS
Well that just bites a big one doesn’t it?

            AMOS
Yep.

      Pause

            MAGNUS
May I offer a suggestion?

            AMOS
What?

            MAGNUS
Since it seems that killing me has been ruled out at this point as a viable solution to your missing monkey problem, why don’t we just kill him?

            AMOS
Bandito?

            MAGNUS
Precisely.

            AMOS
I hadn’t thought of that.

            MAGNUS
Really?  Cause I have.  Kind of a lot. 

            AMOS
Do you have any ideas on how we could pull it off?

            MAGNUS
I have a few –

      Plops down his notebook, turns evil.

-thousand.

      AMOS and COCO look at each other

            COCO
He’s a crazy person.

            MAGNUS
You have no idea.  Juanito Bandito death scenario number one:

SONG: HOW TO KILL JUANITO BANDITO

SEND HIM IN A PINATA COSTUME TO A QUINSENERA
REMOVE HIS HEAD – GUILLOTINE
DRAWN AND QUARTERED
INFECT HIM WITH THE PLAGUE
SNEAK INTO HIS ROOM NIGHTLY AND RUB SPF 150 ALL OVER HIS BODY, WAIT FOR A WHILE AND HE WILL DIE OF A VITAMIN D DEFICIENCEY
SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD WITH MULTIPLE ROUNDS OF CRYPTANITE BULLETS.  IDIOT!  THAT’S SUPERMANS’ WEAKNESS.  YOU’RE RIGHT.  THAT WOULD NEVER WORK.
TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND THEN – WAIT, IS THIS THE VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY THING?  NO.  TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE AND HOW DO VAMPIRES DIE?  STAB HIM IN THE HEART WITH A STAKE.  THAT’S ALSO HOW HUMANS DIE.
COCO KEEPS SAYING, COULDN’T WE JUST SHOOT HIM WHEN HE’S NOT LOOKING?

      This is before the final chorus:

            MAGNUS
Just one quick question about the monkey.  What does he plan to do with her?

            AMOS
Who?

            MAGNUS
Mr. Wilkenshire.  The collector in Chicago?

            AMOS 
He’s going to put her in his museum.

            MAGNUS
      Concerned
Do you mean, hopefully, a happy museum where animals have plenty of space to walk about?

            AMOS
No.  I mean a museum, museum.  Where animals are killed, stuffed and displayed.

            MAGNUS
He’s going to kill Lindsey?

            COCO  
For educational purposes.  He’s doing it for the kids really.

            AMOS
Is that a problem?

            MAGNUS
Well I guess when you put it that way.

      DARCY walks in and overhears

            AMOS
Don’t think about killing the monkey.  First let’s focus on killing the Bandito.

            MAGNUS
You had me at kill the Bandito.

            COCO
Come on fellas, we’ve got us a cake to bake!
     
They end up deciding to do it the usual way.  MAGNUS will throw him a retirement party and poison his cake.  Scene change.



SCENE: DON’T EAT THE CAKE

People are socializing with drinks as MAGNUS and AMOS huddle together downstage with a plate that has a piece of cake on it

            AMOS
Is everything in place?

            MAGNUS
Good to go.  All we’ve got to do is get the Bandito to take one bite of this piece of cake and he will be on his way to reap his eternal reward.

            AMOS   
      Indicating the other pieces on the table
But all of the pieces look the same.  How will we know which one’s been poisoned?

MAGNUS takes out a little flag on a toothpick and puts it in the cake.

            COCO
You’re a genius!

            MAGNUS
Yes.  Yes I am.

      PEITRA swoops in

            PEITRA
Hey pretty lady.  Is it hot in here, or is it just you? 

      Laughs

I saw that on internet. 

            COCO
Ughck!

            PEITRA
But seriously, how about a date?  Saturday maybe?

            COCO
Sorry I can’t.  I’m having a headache this weekend.

Walks away.  DARCY enters and locates BANDITO.

            DARCY
Where have you been?  I’ve been looking all over town.

            BANDITO
Hey Darcy! Welcome to my retirement party!

DARCY
You’re retirement party?

            BANDITO
Magnus decided to put it together out of the blue.  Isn’t that great?

            DARCY
      Looking towards the three killers
I need to talk to you.  I heard something.

      MAGNUS swoops in to distract BANDITO

            MAGNUS
What do you say, old boy?  Pretty spectacular retirement party, am I right?  Here, why don’t you try some of this delicious cake?

      BANDITO reaches for it but DARCY stops him

            DARCY
He can’t.

            MAGNUS
Why not.

            DARCY
Because … he’s gluten intolerant.

            MAGNUS
You are?

            BANDITO
No.  That is a lie.  I’ll have you no that I am the most tolerant person I know.  Black, white, gluten … whatever.  I have nothing against the glutens.

            MAGNUS
No, that’s not-

            BANDITO
In fact some of my very best friends are glutens so for you to say that I am somehow intolerant against the glutens … those are lies. 

      MAGNUS hands him the piece

            MAGNUS
So you can eat cake?

            BANDITO
Of course I can eat cake … when I’m at a four-year-old’s birthday party … or a wedding … or a linger longer. Magnus, this is a high-class celebration of my lifetime of bad guy awesomeness. Come on.  Cake?

            MAGNUS
      Thinking fast
But this is no ordinary cake.  It’s special.

            BANDITO
Special?

            MAGNUS
Yes.  I’ll explain.

      Getting everyone’s attention

Excuse me.  Excuse me, everyone.  Thank you.  As you all know, I’ve known the guest of honor for several years now and I’ve never met anyone quite as … as him.  He’s so … tall.   And that’s probably the nicest thing anyone could ever say about him. 

            BANDITO
Oh Magnus stop.  You’re gonna making me cry.

            MAGNUS
And so it is with my entire heart that I present you with this.

            BANDITO
Cake.

            MAGNUS
Not just any cake.  No no no.  This is traditional British retirement cake. It’s special.

            BANDITO
Really? 

            MAGNUS
Really.

            BANDITO
This cake is special?  You’re not making that up?

            MAGNUS
Wh-  haha – why would I make something like that up?  I would – what would be the reason?

            BANDITO
It does look delicious.

            MAGNUS
It is.  Enjoy.

            BANDITO
To my hip hop career.

They all mumble a response as he lifts the fork to his mouth.  MAGNUS is very close watching it.  DARCY senses that something is fishy so she interrupts.

            DARCY
Wait! 

            BANDITO
What?

            DARCY
Aren’t we forgetting something?

            BANDITO
I don’t think so.

            DARCY
What’s a British retirement ceremony without the traditional British retirement hymn.

            MAGNUS
Hymn?

            DARCY
Yes.  Everybody knows that you can’t eat your British retirement cake before you hear the British retirement hymn.  It’s very bad luck!

            BANDITO
What?  Magnus, is this true?

            MAGNUS
Ummm.

            BANDITO
I can’t believe you were going to let me eat this cake without first singing the hymn.  It’s like you wanted something bad to happen to me.

            MAGNUS
Noooo.  It just slipped my mind, that’s all.

            BANDITO
So?

            MAGNUS
So … ?

            BANDITO
So are you going to sing me this song so that I can eat my cake?

            MAGNUS
Oh yeah of course I am.  Let’s see I –

      Clears throat

Just a quick warning: Some people who hear this song don’t think it sounds like a real song … but it is.

      Clears throat, chickens out

You know I think I’ve forgotten the words.

            BANDITO
Does anyone else know the words?

            MAGNUS
Amos! Coco! You know the words.

            COCO
We do?

            MAGNUS
Yes.  Yes you do.

      He pulls them up in front of everyone

            BANDITO
I’m kind of excited to hear this.

            DARCY
So am I.

            MAGNUS
We dedicate this song to the guest of honor.  Can I get a note?

      PIANO plays a note and MAGNUS hums it

Is that- what note is that?  Is that an H?

They proceed to sing the English retirement hymn which is MAGNUS making up the song each night and AMOS and COCO following along as closely as they can with not only the words and notes but also the actions.  Hilarious. At the end of the song BANDITO is left as the only one clapping long after the audience stops clapping.

            BANDITO
Thank you.  Thank you guys sooo so much.  Not for singing but for stopping.  If you never sing another note in your entire lives … the world will be a happier place.  Wow. 

            MAGNUS
      Handing out pieces
Alriiight, I do believe it’s cake time is it not?  Everybody grab a slice.

Hands the flag one to BANDITO.  Everyone gets one.

Guest of honor first.  It’s British tradition.

      Goes to eat again but is stopped

            PEITRA
Wait!  I’m sorry to be “that guy,” but does it not seem that her slice is bigger than my slice?

      They look

            MAGNUS
Let’s … let’s not compare one another’s slices, okay?

            COCO
No, he’s right.  Hers is bigger.

            AMOS
Coco!

            PEITRA 
Who cut this cake?

            MAGNUS
I did.

            PEITRA
Were you drunk? 

            MAGNUS
No. 

            PEITRA
I demand bigger slice. 

            AMOS
You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

            PEITRA
But in my country we -

            MAGNUS
No one cares about your country!  This is America!

            PEITRA
-says the British smurf.

            MAGNUS
You know what Pietra- ?

      BANDITO steps in

            BANDITO
Please, you guys!  No fighting. Don’t ruin this for me.

            PEITRA
She has bigger slice!

            BANDITO
I know how we can settle this.  What do you say we play a game?

            MAGNUS
No.  Please don’t tell me you’re thinking what I’m thinking you’re thinking.

            BANDITO
Two words: Happy Sultan.

            PEITRA
      Agreeing, excited.
Happy Sultan.

            BANDITO
Happy Sultan?

            COCO
Happy Sultan.

            MAGNUS
This is bad.  This is so, so bad.

            AMOS
Am I supposed to know what this means?

            DARCY
The Happy Sultan.  Only the greatest dessert distribution game ever invented.

            AMOS
I’ve never heard of it.

            PEITRA
Do you live under a rock?

            MAGNUS
It’s so messy.  Can’t we just do rock paper scissors or something?

            BANDITO
No.  This is my party and I say we are going to play “Happy Sultan.”  Who’s with me, say I.

            ALL but MAGNUS and AMOS
I!

            BANDITO
Awesome.  I’ll be the gamemaker.  We duel to see who gets last pick.  One two three four five!

They all strike a ridiculous pose and hold still except for AMOS who just looks around.

Amos!

Everyone reacts “Amos” or “Amos it is” and starts spreading out on the stage.

            AMOS
I don’t know how to play.

            PEITRA
You know how to play baseball?

            AMOS
Yes.

            PEITRA
Okay … this is nothing like baseball. 

            BANDITO
      AMOS turns to BANDITO for an explanation
Pro tip: Take everything you know about every other organized game you’ve ever played and block it completely from your mind for the next ten minutes.

            AMOS
Can I at least get some sort of instructions?

            MAGNUS
There are essentially three things you have to remember to win The Happy Sultan.  Number one: Never flip a bluebird when the catcher is in the rye.

            BANDITO
      Laughs knowingly
Ya, you don’t want to do that.

            COCO
Classic mistake. 

            MAGNUS
Number two: Never look left on a triple play.  Understand? 

            AMOS
Um …

            MAGNUS
Of course you do.  That one’s self-explanatory.  Number three:  And this is a big one.  If you have a full house, do not pass go.

            AMOS
Pass go?

            DARCY
Unless you have a brown belt.

            MAGNUS
Right.  Obviously.  Unless you have your brown belt.  That goes without saying.  

            AMOS
Am I supposed to know what this means?

            DARCY
You will. 

            COCO
It’s pretty simple once you get the hang of it. 

            BANDITO
Everyone to your starting perches!

Musical intro as everyone gets into place leaving AMOS alone right in the center.  Music sustains.

            AMOS
What is happening right now?

            MAGNUS
Listen, there’s no time.  One of us has got to win this game.

            AMOS
What about the cake?  What about the poison?  I don’t even know how to play.

            MAGNUS
The Happy Sultan makes the rules.  Win the game and you’re the Happy Sultan.  Capiche?
     
            AMOS
No.  Not capiche!

            MAGNUS
      As he runs to his starting spot     
We must win the game, Amos.  We have to win this game!

Anytime they sing during this scene, it’s straight out to the audience with some simple, silly movement type choreography.

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN
THE HAPPY SULTAN
THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

Solo: LOOK OUT FOR WHITE ELEPHANTS
Solo: WEREWOLVES Solo: AND THE MAFIA
All: AND THEN YOU WILL BE CROWNED ON THE THRONE

Music vamps as the game begins.  Everyone is spread out far apart on the stage.

            BANDITO
Question one.  What is three times five times seven –

DARCY tries to raise her hand to answer.  BANDITO waves her off.

Eh eh eh!  - minus the price of a ticket on the Pennsylvania railroad?

            COCO
      Counting on her fingers quickly, blurts it out
Seventeen!

            BANDITO
That is correct! 

            COCO
Yes!

Everyone golf claps

            BANDITO
You may transfer into the subsequent domain or cast a spell.  Which will it be?

            COCO
Spell please.

            BANDITO
Ohhh.  She goes for the spell. 

Everyone barks like a dog and slaps their knees. BANDITO holds out some playing cards for her. She chooses one, hands it to BANDITO.

Uh oh!  Queen of diamonds.  You all know what that means!!!

            ALL
The Rainforest Dungeon!!!

Suddenly everyone starts moving around the stage as either an animal or some sort of motorized machine.  Making noises and ridiculousness.

            BANDITO
You forget how much you love this game!

            DARCY
I know.

            AMOS
      To MAGNUS
What is going on right now?!

            MAGNUS
      Still doing his animal
We’re fine.  This is actually going quite well.  We’ve both got a really good chance of winning as long as no one calls a hog trough.

            AMOS
A what?

            MAGNUS
      Looks around and whispers
A hog trough.

            AMOS
      Louder
A hog trough?!

            BANDITO
Did somebody call hog trough!?

            MAGNUS
You idiot!

            ALL
      In unison
Cock-a-doodle-doo!

They run over and pick up a random piece of cake each.  As soon as they get their cake they become chickens.  Everyone holding the cake in their right hands.  No noise, just actions. 

            AMOS
Grabbing a piece since that’s what everyone’s doing
What is happening?

            MAGNUS
Just stay quiet and don’t-

Panic whisper to him, moving his cake to the other hand

Right hand!  Your right hand!!!  What are you trying to do, get sent to the penalty box?  Get your head in the game!

MAGNUS has the poison cake, which still has the flag in it.  Music continues

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN
THE HAPPY SULTAN
THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

Solo: WHERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN
Solo: IS KILL THE DRAGON AND HIS KIN
Solo: AND THEN YOU WILL BE CROWNED ON THE THRONE

Suddenly we are in the middle of the round.  It’s as if we’ve moved forward in time.  Actors have lost shoes, removed some coats, one is holding a chair or something even more ridiculous.  BANDITO is the game’s MC obviously.  Some actors might have two pieces of cake.

            BANDITO
Pietra, for a chance to move on to the seventh realm of kings, answer me this.  Printing ink on purple daisies. 

            PEITRA
What is Leonardo DiCaprio in a yellow submarine?

            BANDITO
That is correct.

            PEITRA
Yes!

            COCO
Bamboozled!

            PEITRA
No!

COCO is proud of herself as she takes his cake.

            BANDITO
Well played Coco!  Everyone ready aaaand go!

Everyone starts to say something over and over like they’re trying to repeat it as many times as possible within a certain amount of time.  BANDITO is checking his watch.

Time!

They look around and see that COCO is holding up the number seven.  Everyone else has lower numbers. 

Coco!

            COCO
Yessss!

      Grabs AMOS’s cake.

I love this game!!!

      Music continues

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN
THE HAPPY SULTAN
THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

WHERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN
Solo: IS KILL THE DRAGON AND HIS KIN
Solo: AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE DOMAIN OF DARKNESS,
OBTAIN THE SIXTEEN SIDEMAPS OF WIZARDRY,
FOLLOW THE PATH TO THE REALM OF FREEDOM AND
CONVERSE WITH THE TOAD-EATING PRINCE
ALL: AND THEN YOU WILL BE CROWNED ON THE THRONE

The game has progressed to an even crazier point.  People are in strange positions.  Key change.  Vamping.

      BANDITO
Magnus, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

MAGNUS looks distraught.  Puts up a timeout sign as he yells:

            MAGNUS
Point break!

This is like a time out.  Piano stops abruptly (ugly pound).  Everyone stands straight up and starts to sing “Did you ever know that you’re my hero etc” under their breath while closing their eyes, all together.

Permission to submit a conundrum.

            BANDITO
Permission granted. 

      Starts to walk towards BANDITO

Eh!  Stick to the code.

Remembers.  He does some ridiculous ritual before approaching.  Quietly so that no one else can hear.

            MAGNUS
How many lives is one allowed while warring against the settlers of Catan?

            BANDITO
I’m afraid that is a question that I cannot answer at this time.

            MAGNUS
I understand.

            BANDITO
-but I can tell you that the amount of lives you have depends almost entirely upon the number of unicorns in your pasture.  That’s all I can say.

            MAGNUS
You’ve said plenty.  Point break!

      They come back to normal as before

Fourteen.  Final answer.

            BANDITO
That is correct!

            MAGNUS
Yeeees!

      Everyone reacts.  Music continues

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN
THE HAPPY SULTAN
THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED

WHERE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN
Solo: IS KILL THE DRAGON AND HIS KIN
Solo: AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE DOMAIN OF DARKNESS,
OBTAIN THE SIXTEEN SIDEMAPS OF WIZARDRY,
FOLLOW THE PATH TO THE REALM OF FREEDOM
AND CONVERSE WITH THE TOAD-EATING PRINCE
Solo: AND KISS THE THIRTEEN PRINCESSES
RECITE THE OATH OF HIPOCROSY,
BALANCE A PLATE ON YOUR HEAD WHILE
HOLDING YOUR BREATH FOR 98 SECONDS
ALL: AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE CONQUERED THE THRONE

      Key change.  Vamping.

            BANDITO
This will be the final question of the game.  For the win.  Darcy Brown.  Recite for me, in alphabetical order, the middle names of every one of the speckled frogs that sat upon the speckled log.

            DARCY
Let’s see.  Oh, I know this one.

            BANDITO
Ten seconds. 

            DARCY
Abel, Chadwick, Griffindor, Grimaldi, Gustov and Guttle … Leonard-

            MAGNUS
Uno!  She didn’t say uno.

            DARCY
No!  That’s not fair. 

            MAGNUS
I waited.

            DARCY
You didn’t even give me a chance to put my hands up. 

            MAGNUS
I waited the allotted amount of time. 

            BANDITO
He did.

            DARCY
That’s a stupid rule.  When we play H.S. at home we don’t even use that rule cause it’s a stupid rule.

            MAGNUS
Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

            DARCY
That’s a dumb rule.

            MAGNUS
You’re a sore loser.

      She sticks out her tongue or something

            BANDITO
Alright Magnus, for the steal and the Sultanship.  Complete the previous answer using only body movements and facial expressions. 

            AMOS
Sitting in the corner with a dunce hat that says “the dumbest of the dumb”
I hate this game so much.
           
            BANDITO
Aaand go.

MAGNUS does a short movement.  COCO and DARCY can say whatever they want.  It’s correct no matter what they say.

            COCO
Bunny on a hot tin roof.

            BANDITO
Correct. Number two?

      MAGNUS acts out another one

            DARCY
James bond at a bar mitzvah.

            BANDITO
Correct.  Number three?

      Another move

            PEITRA
Tom Brady for the touchdown!

      MAGNUS motions like “what?, are you blind?”

            BANDITO
Oh!  So close!

            AMOS
Are you stupid?  That was Homer Simpson wins the Heisman.

            BANDITO
That is correct.

            AMOS
      Realizes he’s learned the game
I get it!

            MAGNUS
      Lifting AMOS up in celebration
Yeeeeees!  Yeheheeeeees!  Winnnnner!

            BANDITO
Congratulations Magnus Ankleburt!  You have been measured and found worthy to wear the Sultan’s crown!

Music wraps up.  Everyone claps for him.  Indicating the cakes.

As you know, it is the Sultan’s responsibility to distribute the cake to his kingdom.

            MAGNUS
Don’t mind if I do.

Happily grabbing them from people and redistributing them

One for you and one for you and one for you and one for you and me and-

      Realizes there’s no flag on the cake anymore. 
     
Wait, where’s the flag?  Where’s the cake with the flag?

            BANDITO
The flag?

            PEITRA  
      Pulling it from his hat
Do you mean this?

            MAGNUS
You took the flag out of the cake?

            PEITRA  
It matches my blouse. 

            BANDITO
      They are starting to sit at the table
Can we eat now?

            MAGNUS
Just hang on for just oooone second here while I-  Just one quick second. 

Goes in front of the table sniffing all of the cakes. 

            BANDITO
Magnus, why are you sniffing my cakes?

Has two finalists.  Gives BANDITO one, then changes his mind and gives him the other one.

            MAGNUS
      Finally satisfied with his choice
Okay.  Let’s eat.

      He’s walking around to sit down next to AMOS

            AMOS
Are you sure?

            MAGNUS
I have the nose of a bloodhound.

PIANO rumbles.  BANDITO holds up his plate like a toast

            BANDITO
A toast to The Happy Sultan.  A game that is not only super fun and easy to learn, but it teaches us so much about ourselves. 

            ALL
Here here! etc

They all take a bite simultaneously.  PIANO stops.  AMOS, COCO and MAGNUS are staring at BANDITO. BANDITO clutches his chest.

            BANDITO
Oh.  Oh my.

            DARCY
      Concerned
What is it?

            BANDITO
Nevermind, I think it was just gas.  This is some really good c-

On the word cake MAGNUS hits the table, face down into his cake.  Dead.  No one moves.  No piano.

Magnus.  Magnus, are you okay buddy? 

Lifting up his head by the hair to reveal his wide open eyes and hilarious unmoving face covered with cake.

Magnus?
     
One note and they all pop the audience and sing.  In the course of this little song, the stage transforms into the funeral.  During the song AMOS doesn’t sing.  He takes out his phone and chats silently with “someone”.

All: HAIL TO THE SULTAN
THE HAPPY SULTAN
THE DEADLIEST GAME EVER INVENTED

WHERE IT’S FUN FOR FUN’S SAKE
LEST YOU PLAY WITH POISONED CAKE
AND THEN YOU WILL BE DEAD
BUT NOT LIKE FUNNY HA HA DEAD
BUT DEAD LIKE NOT ALIVE COMPLETELY DEAD!

Alternate: hip hop beat happens that’s a minor version of the happy sultan song. 



SCENE: FUNERAL AND MARSHALL GARRETT

      PEITRA in front of coffin giving a eulogy of sorts

            PEITRA
In closing I am reminded of a thing he used to say almost every day: Death is not the worst thing in the world.  Zombies are the worst thing in the world.  Amen.  Take him away.

LINDSEY is covered in a cloak of some sort as the undertaker.  She removes the cloak and starts to wheel the coffin off.  BANDITO is causal at first.

            BANDITO
Lindsey, what are you doing here?

Realizes the situation.  PIANO hits a “surprise” chord.

Lindsey!  What are you doing here?!

LINDSEY shrieks and hides behind BANDITO pointing at AMOS who has a gun pointed in BANDITO’s direction.  Everyone gasps.  PIANO plays an evil theme.  Dun, duh dun etc.

            AMOS
That’s it, no more games mate.  Hand over the monkey.

BANDITO laughs at him.

            BANDITO
Oh Amos … Famous Amos.  You are even more dumber than I thought. 

            AMOS
I’ll shoot.  I swear I’ll shoot.

            BANDITO
      Getting ready to draw.  Supremely confident.
You are seriously underestimating my awesomeness.

LINDSEY goes in between them toward AMOS happily.  BANDITO is panicked.

Lindsey, what are you doing?  Lindsey get away from him. 

LINDSEY makes a noise and points at AMOS’s shirt and tricks him just like BANDITO tricked PEITRA.  Steals the gun.  Tah dah!  She now has the gun and waves it around happily, scaring AMOS and the others.

            AMOS
You stupid little mutt!

      BANDITO is on him with his gun drawn.
     
            BANDITO
Don’t talk to my Lindsey that way.  It hurts her feelings.

            AMOS
She’s a monkey!  She don’t have feelings!

Suddenly there are helicopter noises and spotlights all around.  Wind.

            BANDITO
What in the name of Mitt Romney is going on here?

            AMOS
Haha, yes!  I warned you, mate.  I know people, who know people.

      Up to the helicopters

He’s here!  This is him right here!
     
            GARRETT
      On a megaphone
Juanito Bandito, you’re under arrest.  Drop the gun and put your hands behind your head. 

            BANDITO
Never!

            GARRETT
This is not a suggestion.  The helicopter is armed.

            BANDITO
Ya well so am I.

            GARRETT
You’ve got to the count of three.  One.

Everyone yells at him in their own way to drop the gun and surrender.

            BANDITO
Juanito Bandito surrenders to no man!

            GARRETT
Two.

            BANDITO
I will die with a gun in my hands and a sick rap on my lips.

            GARRETT
Thr-

A gunshot from DARCY who has pulled her gun out.   Everything goes silent.  BANDITO is shocked, turns to her.  She gives him a quick look and then he puts his hands to his back and says.

            BANDITO
You have gotta be kidding me.

He falls dead.  Everyone turns to look at DARCY for an explanation.

            DARCY
What?

            COCO  
You shot him.

            DARCY
      Shrugs
He was asking for it.

LINDSEY runs over to BANDITO, concerned.  AMOS comes over and attaches the collar to her neck.

            AMOS
Come here you stupid mutt!

GARRETT speaks thru megaphone offstage

            GARRETT
Everybody keep your hands where I can see ‘em.  I’m comin’ in!

            COCO
      Taking off down the aisle
It’s the po po!  Run for it!

            PEITRA
      Following
Pretty lady, wait for me!!!

GARRETT comes in with two guns drawn pointing hilariously in every direction as he speaks.  Everyone’s hands go up including LINDSEY who is the last to do it.

            GARRETT
Hands up!  No monkey business, do you hear me?

      To LINDSEY

Do you hear what I’m saying right now!!!?  Answer me son!

            AMOS
If it isn’t US Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett.

            GARRETT
      Giving AMOS knuckles
The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!

            DARCY  
Big Guns Bo Garrett?

            GARRETT
The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!  That’s m’ tagline. 

             DARCY
You two know each other?

            AMOS
I know people who know people. Marshall and I go way back.

            GARRETT
Sigma Tau Alpha Beta.  ‘

      They do a quick secret handshake

            BOTH
Pals before gals!           

GARRETT
Now where’s the Bandito?  Lemme at him?

            AMOS      
That’s him right there.

GARRETT goes over and nudges BANDITO with his foot.

            GARRETT
What’s wrong with ‘im?  Is he sick?

            DARCY   
He’s dead.

      GARRETT backs away quickly, nervous about the body

I shot him.

            GARRETT
You shot him?

            DARCY
Yes I did.

      Extending her hand

Darcy Brown.

            GARRETT
Marshall Big Guns Bo Garrett.  The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!

            DARCY
The man was a criminal.

            GARRETT
      Walking around showing off a bit for DARCY.
Yes he was, indeed he was, Mrs. Brown.

            DARCY
Actually it’s Miss ... not Mrs.

            GARRETT
Oh.

      Sees what she means

Oooooh.  Is that right?

      Strikes a dramatic pose.  Sexy voice.

            DARCY
Yes.  Yes it is. 

            GARRETT
I’m pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down.

AMOS grabs the leash again

            AMOS
This is getting a bit weird so I’m gonna go pack up the camp.

            DARCY
Before you go, Mr. Moody, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.

      Stops.  Annoyed. He was almost gone.

            AMOS
What is it?

            DARCY
Would you be so kind as to show us your monkey handlers permit?

            AMOS
My what?

            DARCY
Your monkey handlers permit. 

      Mostly to GARRETT

You know, the one you’re required to carry with you at all times while in possession of a live monkey? 

            AMOS
I uh ...

            DARCY
You do have one?

            AMOS
I do, but I uh ... I must have misplaced it.

            DARCY
Misplaced his monkey handlers handling permit?  Oh my.  That’s troubling, wouldn’t you say, handsome- I mean, Marshall?

            GARRETT
Troubling indeed, Miss Brown.

            DARCY
I mean, a man who handles a gorilla without the proper documentation ... what kind of man is he, really?

            GARRETT 
Good thought.  Good thought.

            AMOS
      To the aud or others
What’s happening right now?

            DARCY
It’s a slippery slope.  First he handles an animal without permits, next he’s skipping meetings for missionary farewells and pretty soon, well … it’s the next logical step.

            GARRETT
Immodest swimwear? (Leggings)

            DARCY
Worse.  Murder!

            AMOS
Murder!?

            GARRETT
Murder!? What murder?

            DARCY
Indicating the coffin.  Presenting her case like a lawyer.
The murder of Magnus Ankleburt.

            AMOS
What are you saying, Miss Brown?

            GARRETT
Let’s just have a look here, shall we?

Opens the coffin and is taken back by what he sees.  Jumps back trying to shake the image.

Woah!  Holy son of a sack of ...  That is one weird lookin’ dude right there, am I right?  I mean – sorry I just gotta-

      Takes another peek

Woah!  Good nuggets that guy is … unique in his facial features.  Woah that’s … it’s like a car wreck. You don’t want to look but you just have to look-

      Looks again

Oh! That is a face that only a mother could love but it would have to probably be a mother with very poor eyesight because wow ...

Shakes his head.

How did he die?

            DARCY
Poison.

            GARRETT
Poison?!

            DARCY
He was deliberately poisoned.

            GARRETT
By whom?

            DARCY
I was hoping that a man of your experience could help us find the answer to that very question.

            GARRETT
I have been known to round up a bad guy or two in my day.

            DARCY
So I’ve heard.

            GARRETT
      To LINDSEY
It was you wasn’t it? Wait. Nevermind, you’re a monkey.

            DARCY
Marshall, perhaps the guilty party might be located by searching for someone who is slipping in other areas of his life?  Animal handling permits and the like ...

            AMOS
Waaait, I see where this is going.  This is an outrage! 

            DARCY
Is it though?

            AMOS
Yes.

            DARCY
Is it really?

            AMOS
Yes.  I did not poison Magnus Ankleburt!

            DARCY
So you admit it?

            AMOS
What?!  No.  I deny it. 

            DARCY
You deny that you did not do it?

            AMOS
Yes.

            DARCY
      To GARRETT
He denies that he did not do it.  Double negative. 

            GARRETT
Guilty!

            DARCY
      Manvoice
Take him away!

            AMOS
What?!

            DARCY
      Quickly
Marshall Garrett you’ve done it again.

            GARRETT
Yes I have.

            AMOS
Hang on just-

            DARCY
You’ve solved the mystery!

            AMOS
You conniving little sn-!

            GARRETT
      Grabbing AMOS with a police move and cuffing him
Moody, that will be quite enough!  You’re under arrest.

            AMOS
But I’m innocent.

            GARRETT
Tell it to the judge!

GARRETT starts to escort AMOS off.

            AMOS
What about pals before gals!?

            GARRETT
      Stops. Gags him? as he says:
Dude we had it backwards.  It’s gals before pals.  It’s always been gals before pals.

Shoves AMOS offstage hilariously.  Turns to DARCY, taking out his phone.

So listen I gotta escort the prisoner back to Washington.  You wanna … swap digits.

            DARCY
Marshall what we have doesn’t require the exchange of phone numbers … if you catch my drift.

            GARRETT
Oh I catch it.

            DARCY
Do you though?

            GARRETT
Oh yeah.

            DARCY
Goodbye Marshall Garrett.

            GARRETT
The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang! You’re gonna call me right?  Seriously, call me.

He exits. DARCY looks at BANDITO and at LINDSEY standing over him worried.  DARCY sits down calmly. 

            DARCY
That fall was a little dramatic don’t you think?

            BANDITO
As he sits up suddenly
It’s called acting.  Look it up.

      LINDSEY is super happy

            DARCY
Acting?  You fell down and held still. I was acting. 

            BANDITO
And I’m glad you’re a better actor than you are a shooter

      She hands him back the gun

            DARCY
If I wanted to shoot you, I would have shot you.

            BANDITO
What were you thinking?

            DARCY
I wasn’t.  I just had an idea so I went for it.

            BANDITO
      So proud
You followed your guts.

            DARCY
I saved your life.

            BANDITO
I don’t know about that.

            DARCY
Oh come on.

            BANDITO
I could have maybe taken that … helicopter.

Shows her his shooting tactics, funny.  She laughs.

            DARCY
So what now?

            BANDITO
Now … I need to find a new agent.

            DARCY
Are you offering me a job?

            BANDITO
Maybe.

            DARCY
I’ll think about it.

            BANDITO
What’s there to think about?  It’s gonna be the easiest job in history.

            DARCY
Easy?  You’re technically dead, getting your music career off the ground is going to be anything but easy.

            BANDITO
Not the way I see it.

            DARCY
Do explain.

            BANDITO
You know what sells more albums than a rapper with a dancing monkey?

            DARCY 
What?

            BANDITO
A rapper with a dancing monkey who just came back from the dead.  Hashtag winning team (blessed). 

            DARCY
I see your point.

            BANDITO
So what do you say?  You wanna join me for an adventure?

      She thinks.  He indicates to follow your guts.

            DARCY
I’m in.

            BANDITO
Yessss!  Let the awesomeness commence!!!

Goes right into the final song. 

SONG: DO THE MONKEY

      Song interlude:

            BANDITO
Take it away Pietra!

      Solo on the turntables with some sick dance moves

            COCO
Pietra?  Pietra, is that you?

            PEITRA
Hello, pretty lady.  Nice to see you again.

            COCO
Pietra, I didn’t know you had that in you.

            PEITRA
Me neither.  It turns out I am a tiger on the turntables.

            COCO
And how!  Say, you wanna go get a bite to eat after the concert tonight?

            PEITRA
I will have to check my schedule.

            COCO
Check your schedule?!

            PEITRA
Please do not take this the wrong way.  I am not saying you are gold digger but actually … I am.  You are a gold digger.

            COCO
But Pietra …

            PEITRA
If you liked it then you should have put ring on it.

            COCO
Pietraaaa!  I love you!

COCO chases PEITRA off. GARRETT comes in followed by AMOS who has a pooper scooper.

            GARRETT
Listen up felon! You got one job here and one job only.  Keep the premises clear of all monkey scat.  Is that understood?

            AMOS
Yes sir.

            GARRETT
I can’t hear you felon!

            AMOS
I got it!

            GARRETT
Good.  Now scat!

Sees DARCY dancing alone.  Smells his pits or breath or something and goes and starts dancing ridiculously next to her.  Takes her a second but he finally bumps into her and she sees him.

Oh hey … Heeeey!  You.  Long time no see!  You remember me? 

            DARCY
Big Guns Bo Garrett, right?

            GARRETT
The bigger the gun the louder the shot.  Bang!  So I never heard back from you.

            DARCY
I lost your number.

            GARRETT
I thought maybe you had which is why I violated several international privacy laws in order to locate yours. Did you get my texts?

            DARCY
No.

            GARRETT
Weird.  That’s so weird cause I sent you like approximately 37 of them.  You didn’t get ‘em?

            DARCY
My phone is dead.  I lost my charger.

            GARRETT
Oh.  So you haven’t had a phone for like a week then?

            DARCY
Ya a week.  Sorry.

            GARRETT
So listen maybe after the con-

            DARCY
      She grabs her phone from her pocket
Hello?

      To GARRETT

Sorry I gotta take this.

      Continues the phone convo


Yes, the Tonight Show next Monday will work just fine.

            AMOS
AMOS has been watching.  Comes up, arm around his shoulders.
Pals before gals.

            GARRETT
Monkey scat!  Now!

      The number continues.

THE END